and then when i went into hospital, i was around 44kg, more or less. i cant remember what i thought of myself then, it was so long ago, fat most probably, but while iw as in hospital i just felt fat the whole time, never thin, never skinny or pretty but yet i lsot weight while i was there, but yet i felt fatter than ever, but i also had more energy yet i weighted less. then when i went into the peadiatrics hospital for NG feeding, i know i felt like a whale. and i kept ganining weight while i was there, i think i was 46KG when i left. (heading to sweden) and god, i felt fat.
then when i got to sweden, i obviously didnt eat that much, so my stomahc was flat and once again i felt thin, yet i was most prob heaviest than i had been or soemthign like that. and then during my time ebfore i entered the swedish hospital i suppose i felt ok, not ffat but not thin, yet i was losing weight rapidly!! So by the time i was aditted to the swedish hospital, i was 42KG, the lowest i've been in like..... i dont since i was eight or something, but yet i felt fat, even though my stomach was flat.
And now, well i jsut feel like a whale all horrible yet im only like 44kg, maybe 45kg, so basically i've just gone back ot the weight which i was beforei was admitted to hospital at all. But its hte fact that my stomach is all bloated from everything i've eaten that makes me feel fat, so i cant like be trusted. My view obvs. is distorted, yet i cant understand it. how can i see myself wrong and different from eveyrone else? surely i see hte same thing.
But anyway, what is up with weight? I thought i looked thinniest when i was around my hevaiest, but now.. i dont even want to go back to that weight, i want to be 40kg, thats the weight which i think i should be, but i know i can never eb that weight, theres no point tyring, i dont want more time in hospital.
But yes..... its weird and very confusing.
x
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