2 videos about my transition to plant based eating and answering your questions

Finally i have gotten around to filming and uploading the videos!! Hhaah, its just taken me a week or so to do. Though i had already filmed the videos twice but they werent exactly the best so had to remake them, and today i started the process of filmin at 12.30 and everything was uploaded and ready now by 5pm and i havent even edited the videos because i decided to just sit and talk instead of trying to do any type of fancy editing!

I havent watched the videos myself as i hate to see myself on camera but hopefully i actually answer the questions and talk about the right things and that i dont say "uhhh" too often ;) But i had to use my normal camera so i couldnt see myself while filming, so no idea how i look... but oh well!!

If you have any more questions or wonder anything just comment and i'll be happy to answer or make a written post answering any questions or things you wonder about :)


Update.. ive watched a few minutes of the videos and i am SO SORRY about that annoying noise i make inbetween sentenaces sometime. My throat was so dry and i didnt drink anything while talking... so i am so sorry. If i make more videos i will be more aware to try to not do that noise (though i dont make it when i am talking naturally with people!!!) I blame it on the cold i have which is why i cough during the videos as well. But i hope you can try to not think about that noise, hahaha.

You dont see yourself the way others do.

Look at this video!! (you wont regret it!)



When we look in the mirror we notice all these small details, these small imperfections which really nobody else notices... they see you for YOU. They dont see these small things, which arent even flaws, its just what we think.

We need to stop critisizing ourselves all the time. We are making our selves self conscious, body image issues etc, worrying about what others think about us when infact, we critisize ourselves alot more than others do. We need to learn to be happy and confident in our appearance and looks. Because in the end, this is YOUR body, you will live with your body for the rest of your life... you can go up and down in weight all your life, get plastic surgery, push yourself to your limits trying to change yourself, but until you realise that there is nothing wrong with you and you dont need to change, you wont ever be happy with the way you look!
   Remind yourself that you are Beautiful everyday!!!

Picture video: my story

Bored and at home. So i decided to make a short picture video of the past few years.
   From skinny to strong.

Warning! Trigger video. There are picture from when  i was underweight, so if you get triggered by that, dont watch!!
   

Ive made a few other videos, but the one below (link) is one of my favourites ive made. But i seem to have deleted it from my computer, but ive posted it before, so if you're bored and not triggered by looking at the videos, then i guess click the link ;)

http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2012/01/my-video.html

Normal eating & what i eat - VLOG

^^I know i look really tired - i was.

&& I really hate listening to my voice on videos... *BLAH!*

And sorry for all the mistakes, and all the weird noises ;)

I am NOT a good vlogger.... Thats just not my thing!

My video.

I made this video almost exactly a year ago (a little less... .a 11 months! - if you want to be exact :) ) and i shared it when i first made it.
  But yesterday i sat watching the few videos ive made (ive made c.a 5 home made videos!!!) and this one makes me smile... or the like last 1-2 minutes anyway :) haha
  So i thought, i would share it again, as i know i have new readers :)

So leave a comment or something about what you think!! :) 
  And remember, if i can recover, so can you!!

If the video doesnt play (and i have a feeling it wont.) then go to this link http://living-with-anorexia.blogspot.se/2012/01/my-video.html
  Where i posted it before :)

Song choice:

Sitting in school.. trying to feel happy. Trying to be positive....

This is my song choice:

Song of the week!

Marina & The Diamonds - Radioactive!

Im actually addicted to her songs.

I remember listening to her previous album, and i could all the lyrics to all the songs.

And only now have i realised that she has another album!!
I was very happy!

Vlog!

 

Another Vlog

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LzJw5F9aVk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ok.. i sound really weird.. i dont know why?? usch. I didnt know if i wanted to put this one up.. but i did.
  But for some stupid reason blogger & youtube are fucking up... so you have to click the link to see it.. which sucks.
  Ugghh im actually getting really pissed off with blogger at the moment, because uploading pictures is taking forever and i cant even upload pictures from my mobile and writing from my mobile is really hard... so its like´... hmm, maybe i shoudl move to another blog site? can you do that?

Get up - Superchick

^^^Its the song & lyrics... (not the film!!!)


"Get Up"

I'm not afraid to fall
it means i climbed up high
to fall is not to fail
you fail when you don't try
not afraid to fall 
i might just learn to fly and 
i will spread these wings of mine

[Chorus:]
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
and here i told you so 
don't want to rock the boat 
but i just had to know
just a greener side
or can i touch the sky
but either way i will have tried

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 30th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

i'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
they laughed when i fell down
but i have dared to climb 
I'm not afraid to fall
i know i'll fall again 
but i can win this in the end

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 40th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
If i get up i might fall back down again
so let's get up come on
If i get up i might fall back down again
I might fall back down again

My video

**OK... the film might be triggering. It has pictures of self harm, and when i was sick.... So you dont have to watch just because i've posted it.**

Finally... My video is up!! hehe... some hard work put on it.. LOL. No, its not that great, but its such a 'time waster' to make something like this!! :)

Love these songs!

If anyone ever wants to get in contact with me, you can mail me at [email protected]
   Of course, i love to get comments here, but if you ever need words of support, or just someone to mail...  im here. I understand where everyone is, if they're struggling, ive been there.

So dont be afraid to send me a mail.

Hope everyone is doing good?

x

Video

Comment on what you think? :)

inspiring video

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/eatingdisorders/Pages/videohowwerecovered.aspx

^^^Couldnt put the actual video onto my blog, but follow the link and watch the film.^^

I can relate to everything the girls are saing, and if you have or had an ED aswell, i think you'll be able to aswell.
  But listening to what they're saying, has really inspired me.

Ive had a few moments of doubt, wondering if i should continue fighting, is it really worth it? And also i feel, ive become slightly slack..... like im getting comfortable. starting bad routines.
    But i want to get better an get healthy, but at the moment, im not putting in the 110% necessary.

***I do just have to mention.... and point out. When you look at thoose girls.... they're not fat at all. and they're recovered. i hve  try to get that picture into my head.... th doctors arent going to make me fat or make me gain unnecessary weight.... im just gonna be normal.

Lunch in town

As today ive lived in Sweden for a year, me and mum decided we'd celebrate...

Of course, i would have liked to have dinner at home and sleep at home. But that wasnt allowed.

So instead, after convincing the staff, and my like 'sub' case manager that i could manage eating out, they decided to let me go out and eat lunch with mum!!

We were undecided where to go.... what food we wanted. i was ready for whatever, i even said if mum wanted we could go for pizza, or tumblerulle (bread, mashed potatoes and like sausage... its a swedish thing.)

We finally decided to go to town and see what we wanted...

Thai!!
When i first saw the menu i felt  a bit paniked.... everything was - woked chicken/coconut milk/ woked steak / fried noodles/ woked vegetables etc etc


But i finally settled on tiger prawns and vegetables in sweet and sour sauce with rice!
    Yummi!!!


I actually felt bad because i had only eaten half of the food (used the Mando meter) but mum took home what was left!
   And eveyrhting went fine eating with the Mandometer :)

I actually ate with chopsticks... which  ive  never been able to do before. but it went really well :)

We then browsed a few shops... and after going into a  perfume shop i camd out smelling like Summer :)

And then i was back for my afternoon snack... but i was just happy!! I had had a good day.... even though i was only out for a few hours... it was still something :)
    But it sucked that everyone doubted that i would eat, that they werent willing to let me go... :(

Natural sweets

Just like sweets. But healthier and nicer!! :)

Got to go home today! :)

For my snack I had packed it with me. But I didn't want my damn risifrutti (and more).
I'm so tired of my options. Eating the same thing everyday. It doesn't change. I get bored -  making me less keen to eat.

And as we were going to the shop I decided to see what I could find. I didn't tell my mum how I was feeling. How I really didn't want to eat the snack I had with me. I didn't want to argue or fuss.

But when we got to the shop. I saw natural sweets (nuts/dried fruit/banana chips/chocolate covered nuts/ etc etc)
It's nice. It's healthy. And it's not fucking yoghurt or bread!!

And in the end, it's the same calorie content as my snack so I bought a bag of natural sweets - (yoghurt covered banana chips/White chocolate strawberries/yoghurt clusters/chocolate covered hazelnuts etc etc) it wasn't much I took. But it came to 138g. - I'm supposed to have 100g!!

I was looking forward to my snack now :)
Couldn't wait to eat actually!!

The 'sweets' were nice!! And I didn't even think about the extra 38g!! :)
Definitely something I want yo eat again - but I did feel a bit sick from too much of the white chocolate and yoghurt covering. :/

Everything went really well at home. I'm not worried :)
I was mainly on my own, playing guitar, reading, taking photos. But that's how I liked it.
It was nice to just be home and to be able to sit and do what I want. Just relax. No press. :)

I've spoken to mum and we've decided that I just have to get through this, sooner or later they'll let me go. I know things work at home and we know they work at Mando. So we just have t wait for them to see that.
So I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. I'm not doing anything wrong. So they can't complain.

So sometime, I'll get out of here and then things should just go up and go forwards :)

And in a couple of hours. It's the start of a new week. Hopefully a good one :)

^^^heheh... me :) ^^

Fridays treat :)

Friday.

Happy?sad? who knows?

Today it had been decided that my sister was allowed to come. And we were allowed to go somewhere and fika. We didn't have to stay in the hospital area. :)



So she came after lunch. And we took a bus to this shopping centrum.
We started off by browsing in some shops, but it didn't take long before we both got tired and sleepy. We were both hungry and I felt it wasting for coffee.
So even though it wasn't 3 yet (the time I eat my snack) we went to this cosy little cafe.

My first instinct was to look at the little biscuits but I then brought my eyes to the cakes.
I admit, they looked quite big. But not scary big, just nice.
I had promised myself I'd take something proper and something with cream, maybe, as I would be doing this extra walking.

So it was in-between this blueberry bomb thing (pastry base, cream and blueberries) or this strawberry pie (chocolate base, custard and strawberries) the strawberry pie looked better :)

I now realised that I didn't count calories while I was there. And I decided what I'd take by what I wanted and what looked nicest :) not by the calories!!
I did get a bit flustered at first. But I told my sister what I wanted and sat down so I couldn't start getting all indecisive.

The cake was really nice and it was easy to eat!! I admit I was full afterwards and about half way through it was a bit of a struggle to fit it all into me. It was mainly cus I felt stuffed.
But I didn't get any angst or panic or didn't feel the need to run or exercise. I didn't even think about what I ate!!

We sat for a while talking and that and then we went back to the shops, waiting for our bus back.

On the way back we got stuck in traffic resulting in that it took an hour instead of 20 minutes. But we had time on us!!

Today has been really good. despite the shitty weather.
For dinner I asked to take an extra energy drink - just in case.
It wasn't written down but I told them I did a bit of walking. (I did too much today. But they don't need to know that.)

I'm so full at the moment - no idea how I'll eat my last snack today.
I'll just have to press it in to me. I guess

And then it was Friday night. Tomorrows the weekend. And in all honesty. I don't even know if I'm allowed home. I should think so?
But no ones said anything to me - so I'm doubting things.

But why wouldn't I get to go home? They said everything went well last weekend?

I have to wait and see...Hope I don't wait to long.

:)



Hope you all have a good weekend :)

Sushi and shopping.

Had a really good day today!! But I'm a tired bunny now:) glad to be able to lie here in the couch :) (too bad it's at Mando and not at home.)

I've been given a taste of freedom today, how my life could be. and I ent it.

It's there. I can see my goal, my aim. What I'm fighting for.
And I'm gonna get there. Summer 2011. I want it to be mine.

After my morning snack I went with some of the other patients and 2 staff to this shopping centrum.
We browsed in some shops - I bought a few summer items. Using gift cards I had :)

It felt so weird to walk. I hadent done that much activity in nearly 2 months.
By the time we were heading to the sushi bar my legs were tired. All I wanted to do was sit!!
It was yummy eating sushi - and it felt normal. I sat chatting with the other patients.
The sushi wasn't the nicest. It tasted stale... But whatever :)

And then me and 2 other girls were ready with lunch so we got to look in some more shops.
It was such a freedom. To walk around. And it felt normal. I liked it. I want it.

Even looking in the mirror and trying on clothes. That usually bothered me. Seeing my body.
But it didn't.

In fact. I looked at my body and liked it. - weird.

No. I'm not thin anymore. I'm not just bones (not that I ever was.) but no. I'm not fat either. I never will be.
Bigger - yes. I will be. But what's the point of stopping it. What's the point of going against the treatment? (I'm not. But I mean before.)
I like my body. It's bigger. But not fat. Clothes fit me. I'm still not even the size I was when I was healthy.
So that was a change in thoughts. Nice change.

Infact - I looked in the mirror and said -

Anorexia no longer has a hold of me. I'm pretty. I'm still thin. No. I'm not just bones. I'm me. And I like how I look. Cus in the end. If I was just bones I wouldn't have been allowed to go today. This improvement.

I like this me.

By the time we were on the train back. I was exhausted. Glad to sit!!! :)

For my snack I took an extra energy drink. My own choice. I asked for it. Infact - the staff were surprised.
But in the end. I'm gonna gain weight anyway - and the quicker get out of HDV the better. ( but I'm not in HDV cus I'm so underweight. Once we get things sorted at home. Then I'll become a day patient) and I don't want to have lost weight cus of today and then not be allowed home for the weekend.
I'm so used to energy drinks that they dont bother me and it seems a regular occurrence that I'm taking extra?

So far - my day has been really good!
To get out and do normal things. See normal people. And it's given me more motivation!!

Now I just need to try to get through this evening and tonight and then it's Friday tomorrow :)

X

White bread

Today.... was my first time to have white bread in like forever :) well.. not really.

I hadnt thought about it before, but ive jsut eaten like the wholewheat bread or brown bread, but today there was none, just white. 

It didnt bug me that it was white, like it would have before.

But in all honsty.... it wasnt any nice... i dont know what it tasted like.....old socks? hahah

But whatever... just thought id write it out :)

^^^Bread i ate.^^

^^The above is my favourite bread though.... and its white :):):) ^ Yummi