Depression - guest post

My depression began a few years ago with a gradual decline of my mood and emotions. I was under a lot of stress at the time and was going through quite an emotional and unstable period of my life, which I am sure contributed to the

cause of it. At the time I was surviving, putting on a brave face over my troubles and trying to carry on as normal. For the most I succeeded, I was busy and energetic and to those who knew me no different, but inside I was slowly losing it.

I began to get very tearful and would cry for hours on end, my sleep was disrupted and I began to isolate myself.i had panic attacks. My appetite disappeared but still I strived to carry on as normal in my day to day life, it was only in the evenings when I was alone that I gave way to my feelings.

This went on for a while until suddenly things went downhill rapidly. Virtually overnight I went from being capable of struggling through the days in the face of others to not being able to cope at all. I lost all spirit of independence and was incapable

of the smallest task. My motivation was zero, my mood was at rock bottom, I wasn't really living, I was existing. I had no emotion apart from to cry - which I did frequently - and could not be left on my own. My partner had to take long term leave from work to look after me. Looking back it was a wonder I wasn't hospitalised at that stage. It really was a dark and awful time.

Two years followed of attendance at various mental health day centres and clinics. I was admitted to psychiatric hospital three times. The doctors struggled to get my medication right and I was prescribed many anti depressants before they found the right combination for me. When they finally did that was my salvation. I truly believe that I would not be here today if it wasn't for medication.

Living and coping with depression is tough. In my early days I had no choices to make, it was all done for me. I went to a certain day centre on a certain day, I took my medication when they gave it to me. At that early stage I was incapable of thinking and functioning for myself. Apart from help and support from medical agencies and my family, what got me through it was routine. I had a timetable of tasks I had to do each day - get out of bed, have breakfast etc and this routine gradually gave me stability as I had a reason to get up each day, if only to tick each check list off the timetable. It is very important whilst suffering from depression that you try to have activities in place, however small. You need to have that motivation forced upon you to do something other than ruminate with your thoughts and distraction is definately key.

I started CBT with my psychiatric nurse and that was very useful, although at the time I didn't understand it. I had to write my thoughts and feelings down then write next to it what I thought the outcome would be. Then my nurse would go through it with me and we would discuss what the real outcome would be, which was never the result I had written - the result of my dark thoughts and worries was totally unrealistic.

Over time my depression stabilised and I began to be able to function again. Through therapy and medication I have got to where I am now, but I can never forget those early dark days. To anyone suffering from low moods, anxiety etc I would say seek help as soon as possible - the earlier it is treated the better. Don`t put on a brave face and try to carry on regardless like  I did because you are doing yourself no favours. There is no shame in admitting you need help.

Remember that even in your darkest days you will get through it, it will pass. Things that can help you are having activity to your day, have something in place to do every day so you have a reason to get up in the mornings - it is so easy to just want to stay in bed or not leave the house otherwise. Go for a walk, go window shopping, meet someone for coffee - anything to get you up and out of the house. If you feel a low mood or episode of anxiety coming on, distract yourself. Bake, listen to music, have a shower, colour, go for a walk - anything that can take your mind off the present situation. I remember phoning my crisis centre in absolute despair and being told to vacumn the house - at first I thought they were crazy, but you know it worked. Any physical activity will distract your thoughts away from your present mood.

Writing out your thoughts and feelings also helps. Don`t worry that it may not make any sense, no one apart from yourself is going to read it. And be kind to yourself. Don`t have unrealistic expectations of yourself, a broken mind (because that's what depression is) takes time to heal. Its ok to rest or nap during the day, or do something that you know you will enjoy. To survive depression I think you definately have to be a little selfish and put yourself first. You have to do the things you know that make you feel better, and if you`re the type of person that always put the needs of others first, as I was, that is a tough lesson to learn. But you have to learn to recognise your own needs and how important they are. Its ok to say no to things.

With help and support it is possible to get through depression, always believe that. Its not easy, its the toughest thing I have ever done. But work with the sources of help and support you have available it becomes easier over time. And never give up no matter how dark your thoughts or how desperate your situation appears to be. There is always help available be it from friends or family or medical help. And in times of crisis there are mental health organisations and helplines.

Never feel that you have to struggle on alone or that your thoughts and low mood isn't important. You are important and how you feel is important, you just have to find the courage to reach out for help.

Guest post by Jess

So, it has been about 1 year and 9 months since I first started to develop anorexia and about a year since I first started recovering. 

And now I can finally say that I have fully recovered from my eating disorder. 

It's really quite scary saying this out loud because it has been a part of my life and a part of my identity for so long that it feels like I'm losing a part of myself. 

But I haven't, anorexia was just an unwelcome visitor that I have now evicted from my life.

And let me tell you all, recovery is tough, it's really tough! 

I had my days where I wanted to relapse and I had days where I wouldn't eat a thing, I had days where I just didn't care about anything at all, days where I couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. 

But I also had great days, days where I overcame a huge fear, days where I would eat ice cream for tea just because I could, days where I felt almost normal again, days where I felt on top of the world because I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now that I'm recovered I don't obsess about the number on the scale, I don't have any anxiety around food, I can eat whatever I like whenever I like, I can go out to eat in restaurants, I can have takeaways, I don't count calories anymore, I'm so much more fun now, I have my personality back, my hair is getting thicker, I'm not constantly cold, my skin is no longer grey, but most of all, I'm free now.

I'm free from the clawing grasp of anorexia, the horrible thoughts in my head that ruined my life and wouldn't let me eat, that made me lie to everyone around me, that told me I wasn't ill enough to recover, that told me I had to lose more weight, that tried to make me kill myself slowly and painfully. 

But not anymore, I'm free, I'm stronger and I'm living my life the way I want, on my own terms. 

I don't have any thoughts in my head trying to control me anymore, they're gone. And what remains is me; Jess, the true Jess, the Jess that has been hidden by anorexia for too long, but she's back now and stronger than ever before and she's here to stay.

Also, I have a Tumblr so if anyone would like to follow me my URL is: 

I-cant-have-the-usernames-I-want

YOU have to make the decision

Something which i have often written about and told people when they ask me for recovery advice.... how do you recover?There are lots of different things you have to do and think about, but in the end to fully recover YOU need to want it. Because its YOUR life, its YOUR body. Its YOU who will take the consequences when things go worse or you do something wrong. So you need to want to fight for YOURSELF.  Fight for your own life and health. However sometimes it can be good to hear it from other people, not just one person... so here comes Julias post where she hopes to inspre you all and remind you all that YOU need to make the decision to want to recover. Because its not enough to want to recover for your family, or for a holiday somewhere... that wont keep you going through the toughest times. So find your motivation and find your will to want to fight and recover for YOU.

Check out Julia's blog: Lord still loves me

This post has been in my mind for a long time, but I have put off writing it because I have been afraid that it may come off as too harsh. However, I decided that it is now time to be brutal with you guys. 

Just know that this post is coming from a very deep place in my heart and I mean everything with love.

Now, I realize that probably the majority of people who read my blog are recovering from eating disorders, have recovered, or want to recover. I am grateful to every single one of you who take time out of your day to catch up on what I am up to. I am honored to every single person that emails me asking for advice. To know that some of you out there in the world look up to me is one of the most humbling things, and I am blessed to have strangers out there that think of me so highly. 

I have to be honest though- I am frustrated. I am frustrated that eating disorders have taken over so many beautiful souls. Seriously, some of the emails I receive are so wonderfully articulated, yet I can feel the utter despair in them. I get distraught sometimes reading emails or seeing people’s Instagram posts because they sound hopeless. They look everywhere for the answers and are left stuck.

That was me. I have been there.

I would spend all day scouring the internet reading articles about gaining weight and bloating and calories and everything else related to my eating disorder. I looked to every external source that would help me recover. I became an expert on eating disorders, but you know what? None of that helped.

You know what did help though? Deciding that I had to be the one to make the change.

I could admire others that have recovered or envy those that could eat without a care, but nothing would make a difference unless I decided to make serious changes to my life. The life I was living was not going to give me recovery.

We cannot have it both ways. 

We cannot recover from an eating disorder and maintain our lowest weight.

We cannot excessively exercise and be mentally free.

We cannot skip lunch and expect our eating disorders to vanish.

We cannot starve ourselves and expect our bodies to function normally.

I guess… I am just really tired, and really sad, because as much as I want to help those of you who reach out to me for help, I cannot be the one to make you recover.

I still LOVE receiving emails, so please do not take this in that way. Please, always feel free to email me whenever. I will always do my best to support and encourage anyone out there, but I do not want to feel like I am responsible for motivating anyone to recover. does that make sense? I cannot motivate anyone to recover. And neither can anyone else. 

I cannot give you the answers you are looking for. I SO wish I could, but I cannot. YOU are the only person that can make this better for you.

source.

Sure, people can force you to go to treatment facilities and inpatient programs, but the only way you will make significant progress is if you allow yourself to do. It is probably the most difficult thing you will do in this lifetime, but it is also completely worth it. I promise. I cannot make the decision for you and neither can your family. 

As morbid as this may sound, if you do not allow yourself to want to recover, you never will, and you will forever be stuck in the grips of a debilitating mental illness. I do not say any of this to be mean, but rather to make you aware of the cruel damage you are unearthing onto your body. You and only you are capable of fixing this for yourself.

source.

Again, I am hesitant to even press “publish” on this post because I do not want to come off offensive whatsoever. That is not my intention for this post. I want people out there who are currently struggling to understand that the desire to recover has to be internal. No external source will ever be worth it. Maybe initially, your desire to recover comes from other people. I know mine did! Initially, I was tired of hurting my family, but ultimately, at some point I had to learn how to love myself. Heck- I am still learning how to love myself. However, I know that I would have never progressed this far into my recovery had I not taken the steps to dive under the surface and look inward to my feelings. It is uncomfortable, it will sting, and there will probably be a lot of tears, but it is the only way I can see a way out of it.

People may disagree with me, and that is 100% okay. I just really needed to air out my feelings on the matter. I want to see every one of my readers be recovered. I firmly believe that everyone out there is capable of recovering. I am not a special case. If you truly do work hard, there is a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

Once again, I love you all, and I am grateful for every blog read, comment, share, and email I receive! I am thankful for the amazing support I receive, and I sincerely hope this post was nothing offensive, but rather, perhaps it was a “wake-up” call.

Sending you all love. 

Readers story - beginning and choosing recovery

My name is Karly and I am a 20 year old Australian girl currently recovering from Anorexia. People have always told me that no one can make someone suffering from Anorexia recover, except for the sufferer themselves and I completely agree with this. I believe that for someone with anorexia to recover, they need to be ready and decide that recovery is what they truly want, more than anything else in the world. I can say that I think this is true as it is exactely what happened to me.

A year and a half ago I decided that I didn't want to be sick anymore but I wasn't completely dedicated to my recovery. I increased my intake a lot so stoppped losing weight but still was not eating anywhere near enough. While I gained a little weight, this soon stopped as my metabolism sped back up so I was still significantly underweight. I was too frightened to gain anymore weight so didn't increase my intake any further. I wasn't happy as my life still revolved around my anorexic thoughts and behaviors but changing felt too hard.

Anorexia has managed to steal away the last 3 years of my life but I refuse to let it take anything else from me. I can honestly say that for the first time, I really do want to gain weight and I really do want to recover. I think quite a few things have contributed to this breakthrough in my thinking, the main thing being my blogging. Writing my own blog has given me a chance to express what I have had to bottle up inside for many years and in a way, I feel as though it is allowing me to 'let go' of my anorexia.

Reading other peoples blogs about recovery has also helped me enormously as they have proven to me that recovery is possible and definitely worth the fight. I feel as though this little support network I am a part of is so amazing and I really apppreciate the fact that I always have someone willing and able to offer fantastic support and advice when I need it. That is the main reason I wanted to write a guest post on Izzy's blog, so I could hopefully reach out to more people who are going through or who have gone through similar experiences to me. I want to be able to help other people through their recovery journeys just as I am being helped through my own.

I know that it's not going to be easy, especially once I start getting closer to my goal weight as I will most likely start feeling uncomfortable with my body but I am determined to keep fighting and never give up. I deserve to be free of Anorexia and enjoy my life. Up until now I have not felt strong enough to recover but now I do. My blog has given me the extra motivation that I needed to make my recovery happen. I now feel as though I owe it to the wonderful people I have met through my blog, as well as my family and myself to make a full recovery.

Karly enjoying chocolate with her sister.

You can read more about Karlys journey towards healthy and help support her by checking out her blog - leaving a comment or some words of support:
http://fighting-anorexia.blogspot.com.au 

Readers story - exercise addiction

Today I realised I achieved something that was no longer possible for me. It's been almost three weeks since I've done any hard exercise apart from walks, yoga and 30 mins weightlifting. It's hard every day, the urges and the guilt are crippling but I realised that I can no longer live the way I have been since last summer. 

I have had anorexia for about 3 years and in June 2014 I was 15kg above my lowest and very nearly weight restored (about 3kg to go). I look back at pictures and I looked great-i have always loved sport and have got into weightlifting so I was toned and healthy and FAR from fat, and even though my weight was healthy I believe gaining them last kilos would of have prevented my relapse. 
I don't even know what caused it but I do remember it starting with me wanting a lower body fat percentage and a visible six pack. I began watchhing what I eat and freaked out at the amount of carbs in the foods I ate a lot such as orange juice, porridge, bread etc, and was shocked at my calorie intake after I tracked everything on myfitnesspal. 

Then it all happened very quickly. I went away to russia to stay with my dad over the summer and that gave me the perfect chance to lose weight. I cut my carbs drastically. My calorie intake wasn't shocking. When I told my doctor what it was she was amazed at how I could lose weight as quickly as I did on X calories, and I felt like a failure because if I tried to eat less, I passed out. That's because there was the exercise. I started off with just adding 15 mins cardio to my workouts which soon turned to an hour HIIT every day which soon wasn't enough and I found myself in the gym for X hours a day. When I went back to England I was suffering and wanted to stop but I just got worse, and began running at least Xkm as well as going to the gym, or going to an exercise class which I forced my mum to spend money on. I exercised every second I got the chance to and didn't let myself sit down for more than 15 minutes. I slept 4 hours maximum so I could stay up and exercise. I was miserable and aggressive to the point where I punched my mum which is something I could never forgive myself for. 

She referred me back to my hospital because I lost a significant amount of weight in just 3 weeks and it was very obvious. When I went back there they said that I have to eat 3000 calories and not do any exercise apart from gentle walks and maybe some yoga but I refused and said that I only do weightlifting anyway which they believed so I increased my intake but I also increased my workout intensity, thinking 'if I have to gain weight it might as well be muscle'. After I didn't gain weight for months the doctors said that it was enough and took away my gym membership, saying that if I don't start gaining weight I would have no choice but to go inpatient. I broke down. I was on the floor screaming at the top of my lungs, then I ran out of the hospital and started to run to the train station so that I could kill my self, but I got stopped by doctors who took me to A&E until I calmed down. 

From there I kept doing the same workouts but at home while my mum was at work, until I got a pain in my chest that was so bad I thought I was going to die. I blacked out and woke up in the car on the way to the hospital where I had to stay overnight in order to be monitored and that was the moment when I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. I had no friends, I was miserable, my whole life was focused on food and working out and I was at risk of heart failure. I was always perfect at school and my grades were slipping which was devastating for me. 

I began by cutting out my evening runs and reduced the gym to 1.5 hours, and I gained some weight very slowly. That freaked me out and for a few weeks I stopped gaining but then I got back on track, though the weight was going on at an agonisingly slow rate, and most weeks I would maintain or lose. That was until my doctor said I had 3 weeks to gain a good amount until she would refer me to an inpatient unit 100km away from where I lived. So I forced my self to drastically change my life completely. I realised that exercise was an addiction. I always told my self I loved it and that it was a lifestyle, but it wasn't. Fitness should be part of your life, not the only thing in it. I hated and dreaded every workout and when I knew that I don't 'have' to do them anymore that made me happier straight away because I didn't spend the entire day prepping my self for what was ahead. I started spending time with my family, taking care of my self (before I completely neglected my hygiene and how I looked), and began doing simple things such as going to the cinema and getting a haircut. I am not saying it's easy-every day is a battle and I get exercise urges all the time but I choose to ignore them because I can't reach recovery unless I step completely out of my comfort zone and challenge the addiction as much as I can. 
I wanted to share this because not every eating disorder is the same-not every anorexic eats an apple a day and drinks black coffee, but it can mask itself as 'getting healthy' and then spiral out of control. I get very upset when I see girls eat 1000 calories and do 2 hours cardio a day and claim they're happy because I've been there before, and living like that is anything but happy.

Readers story

For NED awareness week (last week) Josie wrote this post on her blog and asked if i could share it, so here is some advice from Josie

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 15 and although I'm deemed healthy (almost) and I feel I don't often have many problems with it anymore, it still affects me every now and then. Mainly my issues are to do with self-confidence (thought's I know most people feel) and it just gets channelled into my body.

Honestly, I'm a perfectionist and together with normal teenage insecurities it spiralled out of control and now I'm back to a much healthier place, but it just shows how easy it is to get into this and how it can go unnoticed. 

 Since being at uni, I've suffered a lot with self-confidence and just general sadness, what with missing home and not feeling truly comfortable here. That with my uni lifestyle being relatively a bit more busy and active than when at home and not really thinking about what I'm eating, my weight isn't staying where it should. Which then affects my mood because it plants doubt in my mind to if I'll ever get better and just how much I'm disappointing my family and causing so much pain and frustration for them over something so pathetic. (See what I mean about the spiral)

It's a difficult thing to get through, and even more difficult thing to understand, but something that always keeps me going is hope and knowing that when I'm recovered I will be one of the people that I admire and look up to.

I am always here to give advice or support to anyone who needs it, because I know how hard it is and how dreadful it makes you feel,

Even though I can't think of one magic rule that will change all your lives I can give some advice on what I think works - even just a little bit:

• Talking about it - this is one thing I've become a real culprit of not following and I know (particularly for those who have suffered for a while) that it's very difficult. I always choose to suffer silently because I feel so pathetic for thinking my thoughts that I can't bare myself to tell anyone or I don't want to burden my - already frustrated - confidants with the same stupid stories. But this is necessary! You are never alone, not with anything, and just telling one person really helps alleviate the pressure pushing you down.

And a tip for all the confidants/family/friends of people with an eating disorder - patience and a hugely open mind! I understand that it must be so difficult and bloody frustrating to see someone you love suffer over things you can't control (I feel it with myself because none of my feelings seem logical and it drives me mad!) but I also know what it feels like to want to keep thoughts to yourself just to save the listener from awkwardness or frustration. It really is worth a little bit of frustration for someone's mood to be slightly lifted (potentially avoiding the spiral downwards in more serious cases) - just knowing someone understands is one of the most comforting things and it really helps! I read a girls called Izzy's blog (link here) for even a couple of months but it did sort of help me sometimes knowing it's not just me with these feelings. 

• Write a list of everything you will be able to do when you've recovered or reasons why you want to recover. Each time you do something on the list it makes you feel that much closer to being able to recover, and I think knowing why you want to recover is key for being able to and it keeps you going when its tempting to go back.
• Write down all the things you love about yourself and stick it up somewhere visible to you.
• Relax and don't bully yourself - don't be angry or sad (but don't beat yourself up about it if you do) just accept what your feeling as if you're out of your body and refer to your lists and your confidants when things get hard. 

Another long ramble, but there's just some stuff I wanted to say and to do my bit to raise awareness because it is quite important to me now, and it gets to me knowing or hearing other people in the same positions. But it is something we can overcome, and it doesn't have to take over your life - you can recover and be happy. It's possible. 

Recovery advice from a reader (NED awareness week)

The post and advice below comes from Olivia , who writes about what has helped her in recovery!!

One of the most helpful things in my recovery was support and knowing that someone   cared.   Having someone who has gone through similar struggles or somebody who is currently struggling with very similar things, it helps knowing youre not alone and that there are people understand. 

Hearing advice and feeling support, I didnt realize that it was actually working until much later. I reached out because there was that tiny glimpse of hope, that maybe things dont have to be like this, that, who knows, maybe recovery is possible for me two. So I reached out, I got advice and found places and people I could be honest with about my ED, someting I couldn't bring myself to do for more than a year. 

One blog post, video or email could change a lot, but it didnt suddenly change my thoughts to healthier ones, made the silent anxiety go away.

Instead it planted that ray of hope and made   my day that tiny bit more positive. Slowly but surely I was going forward. Veeery slowly... I fell back many times, but in me there was still that anger I felt towards all that the ED made me do and how it made me feel. 

I got back up, and thats what matters. I did not give up. If I had given up I probably would've been going up and down in weight, my metabolism would still be messed up and I would have had an irregular period if one at all. I would be possibly failing in school, struggling a lot, feeling hopeless. If I hadn't kept going and fighting my ED I wouldn't have had a blog, I wouldnt have signed up for the Color Run, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy pancakes for breakfast with my friends, I would feel stuck and filled with anxiety. I dont want that. I didnt like not having energy, I dont like knowing that I was slowly killing myself and destroying my health, thats why I chose recovery. 

There is so, so much I wouldve missed out on, opportunities, new people, memories. My ED was not worth having, not in the slightest.  I hope anyone realizes that it is possible for YOU as well. You are not an exception and it IS possible for you too. Chosing recovery is one of the first and hardest steps. But its one that will get you so far, you may not even imagine how far. 

Readers story & advice

For NEDA week (or any time really) if you ever want to share YOUR story or advice or tips regarding recovery or life in general, then just email me!! We can all help to inspire and motivate each other!

Here comes Cristina's story and advice:

I have had anorexia nervosa for 10 years.  I was undiagnosed for 8 of those years. I didn't really think anything was wrong.  What I wanted was not to take up as much space.  Not to impose.  To have people want to take care of me.  Or not notice me.  

My father was emotionally and physically abusive. I realized I could not control his erratic behavior, but I could control myself.  I vowed not to take my anger out on others, instead, it would be better turned inward.  I had so many thoughts during my childhood "If I could just be better"  "If I could just be good".  So I restricted.  Anorexia provided a disconnect.  A dizziness and an escape from my life.  I started restricting at 14.  The classic diet of carrot sticks.  Sometimes goldfish crackers. Nothing with enough nutrients.

So when my mother threatened to hospitalize me, I was scared.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't go through a day without feeling like I would pass out, having heart palpitations, nails that were always chipping, feeling like I was just floating through the day.  I knew I was hurting myself.  I tried to get better on my own.  I gained 20 pounds, and maxed out.  One low BMI to another low BMI.  But I thought I was "better".

Recovery has been a long process for me.  I've asked for help along the way, and received it.  But you have to actually dedicate yourself to getting better.  The longer you are sick, the more it becomes a part of you.  My advice would be to focus on what you do want.  Life goals.  I want to have children and a career, I want to not think about food all the time, or feel guilty.  I don't want ten years of being sick to become eleven years of being sick.  

If you are a "functional anorexic", it's hard to find reasons to recover.  I was doing well at an Ivy League school, I had friends, I was close with my mum and siblings, I have had jobs and promotions. But having all of those things, and adding in an eating disorder, it serves as a distractor, it makes you feel that you have accomplished less.  The eating disorder voice is a dichotomy.  Always telling us that in order to be more, we must be less, weigh less.  I think we should challenge ourselves to be more.  To allow ourselves to take up space.  I finally am realizing that in letting go of anorexia, I am accepting myself, as I am.  

My advice is to challenge yourself to see how much potential you can have if you choose to let go.  The eating disorder is not responsible for our successes, that is separate.  So here is to untangling the two.  We are so much more than an eating disorder.  So this NEDA week (and ideally going forward), let's reclaim ourselves. 

NEDA week

This week it is National Eating disorder awareness week. I have been aware of this fact, however i just haven't known what to write....
   My recovery, my past, my thoughts, my recovery thoughts.... all written down in posts and have been repeated over and over again, not only by me but by journalists as well. My story being shared around the world. I am glad i can help others, i am glad that i can share what i have been through to help inspire others, to show that recovery is possible. That you dont have to live a life with those awful thoughts in your head, with the constant anxiety, the fear and the controlling voice in your head. Though to overcome those things and live a free life then choosing recovery everyday is the choice you have to make. You have to WANT to recover, you have to keep going even when you are knocked down or you dont want to keep going, its exactly then you need to know your goal of health and recovery and keep fighting.

If i could, i wish i could just snap my fingers and then no one would ever suffer from an eating disorder ever again. Because i would call it a form of hell. Because on the outside you can look so normal, but on the inside there is anxiety, guilt, controlling thoughts, obsessiveness, sadness, fear, depression. Yet those are not seen by others. Eating disorders are not a fashion statement, they are not a way to seek attention and they are not a phase of a lifestyle. They are mental illnesses which require help to recover. It requires YOU to seek help, to accept the help you are given or to find help somewhere else if the first, second, third etc option/alternative wasnt helping.

Recovery is tough, but it is DEFINITELY worth it if you truly recover. And its not impossible to recover, others have done it. Dont think that you are a hopeless case, because you arent. Its just that you have to find the strength, motivation and determination to choose recovery each day!!!

For NED awareness week i would like for YOU (My readers) to Share YOUR advice/tips/what helps YOU for recovery. Whether you want to share your story, something you have learnt, or just a one word sentence like... ' When i have anxiety it helps to sit in my room with music' or if you want to share some motivational inspiration and advice etc
   It would be very helpful for others!!!! (So you can email me at: [email protected] ) And i will of course publish whatever you write anonymously if thats what you want :)

You can also read about some previously posted READERS stories
Also this post: Tips to recover from people who have recovered
And you can read more about NEDA week and how to help HERE

Progress from a reader

I got an email from Emmy who blogs at http://ganache-elf.blogspot.ie/ . She has recently been admitted to hospital and beginning her recoveyr journey with the help of the hospital there and i thought it was nice to read her progress so far and some of her thoughts and i thought it could be an inspiration to others.
  But also i remember how it felt when you finally get some time at home after being an inpatient. The nerves, the anxiety but also excitement!!! It might also be nice to read about someone elses progress who is in the situation right now!!

Well where do I begin Izzy...as you might recall I had the eating disorder assessment test on the 6th january...hard to believe it's almost a month ago now. I was extremely nervous and every fibre of my being was screaming at me not to go, but I knew in my heart that this was what I needed, and that whatever the outcome, it was for the best. I answered all their questions as openly and honestly as I could. No longer did I want to keep any secrets. I suppose I felt like that I have been carrying those secrets around with me for years...and the time had come to take courage and cast away all masks and disguises. I felt an immense sense of relief, in revealing to them the full truth about me and my eating disorder. And then when it was done the doctor I had met there gently told me she thought I would benefit most from going inpatient. I had steeled myself for this, but the weekend before I was to go into hospital, I was so, so upset and cried for days on end.

But...here I am now, about to travel home for my first full weekend, at the end of my third week in hospital. And I can honestly say, that I can stand up now and say that I am happy and proud of myself and the progress I have made and all that I have achieved. Of course, I know I have a long way to go still in this recovery journey mentally, but physically I am doing alot better, and my mood has lifted enormously. Looking back There are so many obstacles and challenge that I have overcome, most of which I, before all of this happened, would have regarded as extremely difficult, if not impossible, to even face up to, let alone attempt to conquer. But I did, though, Izzy. I used to call myself weak, useless and worthless, but I clearly see now that I am not any of those things. Rather I have come to see myself for the young woman I really am - a kind, considerate, animal-loving, thoughtful girl with pretty blonde hair who loves to bake and cook, spend time with her loved ones and dear friends, walk her dog, travel, and write of things which mean alot to her. 

And I am proving to myself that in fact I am strong, and that I have the courage and determination to face my biggest ever fears. I never , ever thought I would be able to overcome my obsession with exercise Izzy - but I have. I have tried loads of different things here in hospital and have enjoyed every single bite of them. Even the actual fear of weight gain has become a little easier. It's still there, but when I looked at my body in the mirror yesterday, and saw how it was changing and just how much it had already been changed...I didnt feel upset, disgusted or angry. I just felt acceptance, and a peaceful sense of security, in the knowledge that I am doing the right thing, and that this is exactly what my body and I both need.

Readers story

I got a readers story sent to me the previous day which i thought i would share! (Remember that if you want to share any advice, your own story or something you have learned along the way or to write a guest post for me, its just to email me :) - and write in the subject what it is you are emailing about :))

I will start by saying that it was around the beginning of the year, just after Christmas and New Years that I decided that it was time to 'be the best that I can be' and get into a good, slim shape, I decided that I wanted to be the type of girl that other girls were jealous of because of the way I looked, although I had always been happy and healthy weight with little to no thoughts about food, I had nothing to be self conscious about! But I began my long journey by cutting out snacking, thinking it was only right to eat at meal times. Then I decided to allow my self one sweet treat a day, then one sweet treat 3 times a week, then one a week but only if I didn't eat breakfast. This is when I started to calculate every calorie I ate a day, and to do this I became obsessed with numbers and weighing food. I even found myself showing off to my classmates about how strict I was. Having always been sporty and quite good at cross country I began running everyday, feeling on edge if there was a day that I didn't run. I found that my Nintendo Wii fit was cheering me on to be more fit and track my weight, scorning me if I missed a day and rewarding me if I burned calories. This is when I starting seeing change, I was thrilled, my hard work was paying off, I was slimming down and looking older, coming into my features as everyone said.

Things continued downhill when in around april me, my mum and my sister visited my Aunt in Spain. I had always known my sister was greedy and gluttonous and this led to her being overweight, but witnessing first hand her lack of self control around food, devouring everything she saw without regard for health or moderation, I found it revolting. She disgusted me. I think it is what made me want to completely avoid food, after seeing the affects it can have. And I think that when compared to my sister my Mum noticed how little I was actually eating, taking only a handful of bran for breakfast, refusing to drink between meals, she then noticed my hip bones in my bikini. When we returned home she weighed me, and I was 7.11 stone, she told me that this was as light as she wanted me to get. But the fear of losing the control I had coined terrified me, so I grasped on, I began to miss breakfast, then I began to miss lunch until I ate only 300 kcals a day. My weight just fell off.

I was so unhealthy but I tried to lie to myself and say that I was happy, but I wasn't, I kept telling myself, I will eat this but not today, not tomorrow, but some time, meaning that deep down I knew I had a problem and I needed to get out. Thus began GCSEs. I spent all of my time revising, saying I was too busy to eat, my English teacher noticed my sallow, pale skin and asked if I was eating ok, I lied and said yes, though I was embarrassed, I quite enjoyed her concern for me. The lack of nutrition was now showing in my face, in my hands, my body, but most noticeably in my eyes, which had lost their twinkle and become dead like a shark's. My Mum found that the dinner money she was giving me for school lunches wasn't being spent and that I was replacing it in her purse, she was furious, because she was worried, here we started arguing, I felt as though my best friend was turning against me and starting to resent me, though deep deep down I was in there screaming for her help, I knew I needed it, so I began searching for 'recovery inspo' online and fell into your blog Izzy, I remember it, something switched slightly inside me, I was inspired, truly, it made me want to have the motivation to turn my life around, so I became I regular reader. When GCSEs finished my mum took me on a road trip, she had already found that making deals with me about food worked, and encouraged me to eat, though I was still partly reluctant, on this trip we saw my Uncle, who is my idol, my favourite person in the whole world, and even he noticed my lack of weight, his concern for me was motivation to commit to recovery, I hated the idea that he may not like me if I was too skinny since he is so big and muscly.

It was hard when school finished and my Mum was able to monitor what I did or did not eat, this caused many arguments, I could see my relationship, my friendship, with my Mum crumbling. I knew I had to recover, for my mum's sake but I had decided it would be on my terms, i would do it my way, which was wrong, it wasn't real recovery, I continued lying to my mum and myself, I was still hiding food in my pockets at the dinner table, I was still running when I said I was going for a walk. I, by this point had become a liar, I had stooped to levels I never thought I would. The idea of eating too much, or at the wrong time filled me with dread. After asking me to go to the ice cream parlour, and me refusing multiple times, my Dad decided to talk to me where he said ' we all love you, everybody loves you and no-one understands why you're doing this. You need to eat' but instead of taking his words and fully committing to recovery I got angry, I think because I was embarrassed, my mum saw my anger and told me my dad said what he did because 'I was breaking his heart'. that statement cut deep.

I felt guilty too the core, my relationship with my sister has never been the same, and i had never seen my mother cry before now and my Dad had told my mum that he couldn't bare to look at me. Growing up i had always been sullen and very pokerfaced, and my sister was the only one who could make me laugh, and when she did I roared, but one night I told her that she wasn't funny anymore, and my mum asked me why I didn't laugh and I responded 'because nothings funny and I dont have the energy to try' my Mum's face fell, thats when I realised that I was broken, I had broken me, I wasn't the same, I had stripped myself down to the bare minimum, I had no character and I was just a basic human.

After much struggling I was finally realising that in order to be healthy, I needed to gain weight, the number on the scale needed to rise, though i was reluctant I knew that this realisation was a step forward. While sites like tumblr. helped me become the lifeless wraith who thought that any fat whatsoever was bad, sites like yours Izzy helped me become proactive in becoming a healthy teenager. It was your site Izzy that made me proactive, and found that being strong and physically able was so much better than being thin and bony. I expressed this to my mum and she asked her personal trainer Ben, to give some time to give me some advice and perhaps a gym workout program, this was the first time I met him and he was just so cool, just a cool guy, he said it like it was without the sugarcoating, he simply said, 'you look thin, I can see in your chest bones and your legs, your skin and hair are awful' and I agreed. This was the day after prom for which I had bought a stunning blue 'Ghost' dress, it looked lovely when I bought it, but upon trying it on again, it looked horrendous, my hip bones and ribs were visible through it, I couldn't face my peers like this. My Mum told me that the only way she would let me do my gym program from Ben was if I agreed to carb load like an athlete, and drink my protein shakes that Ben had given me, three times a day. And after my first session lifting weights with Ben, I knew I had found a passion, i had fallen in love with weight training, and I was determined to dedicate myself to it, I researched and progressed and got stronger, and now I started to see a difference, and Ben said so too. I was thrilled, my hair had stopped falling out, my cheeks had become rosy and I could walk upstairs without feeling dizzy. When the scales started to go up, my fear started to go down, life was positive. Due to the lcm of fat around my face, I lost hearing in my right ear, eustachian tube dysfunction, but surprisingly it came back when I started to fill out again!

And now from less than 6 stone I now weigh just under 8, I know it doesn't seem much but i am determined to keep it growing, to keep seeing gains! I am stronger than I have ever been before both physically and mentally, I look in the mirror everyday able to remind myself that I am awesome and believe it because I hit rock bottom and crawled my way back up, and every second was worth it, it hasn't been a smooth ride, it was bumpy and everyone's journey is different but every single one leads to a happier fuller life. The fact is, I owe Ben my life, and I will strive to make him proud of what he has helped sculpt and create, and I think that more people need to understand that those who fall into anorexia's trap didn't choose to, yes they made certain decisions, but it is not an attention thing and it is not their fault! I've got my twinkle back!

Thank you Izzy

Readers progress and recovery

Getting this email from a lovely reader put a huge smile on my face and she worded it so perfectly and if anyone is struggling right now and is struggling to choose life, then read this and hopefully it will inspire you to keep going and not give up!!



Hello Izzy!!
So I was thinking, about the past tear and I decoded to write some things out and decided to share with you :) a lot of these Ive talked about in emails but I wanted to recollect some parts of my ED and look at it as a whole. 

Here it is:

Looking back on this year...well, looking at the pictures I can describe exactly at what state of my ED I was. It seems like whatever picture I see of myself from the last year and a half is seen along with my ED. I want that to change. My ED is no longer a part of me, I don't get triggered by bodies or comments or someone's eating habits anymore, I don't long for being sick, I have accepted my body the way it is. I do feel insecure sometimes, but at least I can smile genuinely in the mirror :), notice my so called 'imperfections' and not scold myself for being simply human. I have cellulite in some places, I have scars, I have hidden stretch marks, I have fat, I have muscle, I have long brown hair that also match my eyes. Being healthy became more important than being thin or skinny or underweight. I realized I have an ED. It took a while (it was long enough) because in my case (EDNOS) you could say I had a combination of EDs. There were no basic guidelines, not much I could refer to. There were other EDs I did not fit, so of course I thought what I was going through was normal, 'everybody does it'. But then I realized that starving myself, binging, later, overexercising, constantly going back and forth-all in order to cope with...everything WAS a problem, there was clearly something wrong if it was all done to cope. 

It was a rocky road. I didn't just come to the realization that I had to recover and magically stopped restricting. It took many weeks and months to reduce the days I engaged in unhealthy eating habits. It was hard to keep eating certain foods, to continue being healthy. When recovering from a restrictive ED, like anorexia or orthorexia, one typically has fear foods. Well, my biggest feat was not certain foods, but staying on the same path, eating continuously, without constantly compensating in between. My fear was in eating 'normally' for too long, not being able to escape to my own safe little world, that welcomed me with open arms every single time I ran in tears towards it. 

Today I have goals, Im so much more positive, I feel so much better. Though life can be hard, loved ones get sick (in my case a close person to my family Ive known since a child, who officially became a relative due to marriage to my cousin, was diagnosed with cancer), tests creep up on you, stress grows. But even with all those problems it cannot compare with how my life was just a few months ago. Theres so much more I could say about the ED. But at this point it doesn't matter so much. The point is, I think its safe to say I am happy! Im happy because I made it that way. Sure, it can be hard, there could be anything from abuse to divorce to plain stress in your life. But starving/binging/overexercising/cutting/isolating yourself-anything!! It will never help, not in the long run, I know. Fight for your life, no matter how hard or unreachable it may seem is what I want everyone to realize!! To keep doing the next right thing. Because anyone has a chance, everyone has the right to live, if you believe in yourself, if you fight for YOUR life and YOUR happiness it is possible!! Some things I have realized to be true :)

I never thought I would be able to accept my body unless it was an underweight one (though even when I was slightly under weight I hated myself). Stress and anxiety was dealt with by starving, scratching rashes until bleeding point. I remember waking up to little red spots on my pillow because even in the night I scratched my scalp until it started bleeding a bit. There were painful rashes on both my arms, scalp, front and back of neck and a little bit on the back of my knee. At first it started as a simple rash, but then it escalated into a bad coping mechanism. 

While Im writing this Im sitting in bed. Im not hungry, Im comfortably full from the food I ate about an hour or two ago. No guilt, no anxiety. Milk chocolate almonds are soo delicious!! And so is root bear (American soft drink*) and quinoa and brown rice and danishes and vanilla yogurt with berries with an orange on the side-some things I ate today!! 

 So much has changed, generally for the best!! Im happier, healthier and much more open. Im still me but with a healthier mind I'm much more open and positive now :) 

Happy New Year!!! :) ^_^ :D

Readers progress

I love sharing readers progress as i know that it can motivate others to see other peoplse progress.
  I focus on giving advice and showing a healthy life now and if you want to read about my recovery and the steps i took and how i felt then you can go back to 2010,2011 and 2012 posts :) But when you get to hear someone elses progress in recovery, someone who is doing it right now... then it can motivate you. But also i want to acknowledge YOUR progress and success. I want YOU to feel proud of yourself, to get recognition of the progress you are making and make you want to keep fighting. To keep going for health and know that small things like increasing calories, using butter on your bread or taking a rest day, they are big things and they are progress!

So here comes a readers progress:

Dear Izzy, 

I have just read your blog and have decided to update you on some positive aspects of my recovery at the moment. 

So, with a few wobbles, I made it through Christmas, and actually managed to have fun and enjoy the food in the process! I managed to eat my Christmas meal, have the same meals as everyone else for lunch and dinner for four days (which is amazing for me!), and even indulge myself in some of the delicious puddings, without compromising! Yes, it was hard, and I felt horrible at times, anxiety ridden, and scared, but I did it, and you know what, nothing has happened! 

I have proven to myself that I can do it, and that nothing bad will happen to me when I attempt to confront my issues, and that running from them does not do anything. I faced a whole load of my fears and I'm fine. My family were so proud of me, and I even confessed to my mum that it was my best Christmas in three years. Through my recovery, I am even more aware that my relationship with food is getting better than it was even before I was ill, and I am now more comfortable with myself as a person, so positives do come out of negatives, no matter how awful the negatives are! I have learnt that food is for fuel, and can be enjoyed, but should not be used as an emotional tool. I have learned that it's not all about being skinny, it's about being healthy and happy, and that food and being a healthy weight enables that. I now would much rather be a healthy BMI and enjoying my life then being skinny and fixated on food all the time not enjoying my life. I have also learnt that it's alright not to want to go out and to enjoy your own company, but also that at the end of the day if I can say to myself that I am a good person, that is alright with me! 

You're right, you have to act in order to change, not just wish it. 

Since my weight has actually been stable for a couple of weeks now (after it having gone up by three pounds due to an increase a few weeks previously), I have also decided to increase my calorie intake by a further 200 calories a day in order to potentially increase my weight even more (as I still have around 10 lbs to gain before I am a healthy BMI). 

Happy New Year! 

Readers story - If you dont make a change, nothing will change

I wasnt sent this email which i think is very important to share about suffering from an eating disorder for long term. It does mess up your future, cause unwanted problems. Even suffering for a short term causes risks of brittle bones, anemia, osteoporosis, amenherreha, messed up metabolism and other unwanted things.
    So maybe with this message and readers story you might just think about what you do today and right now and how that will affect your future.

Hi Izzy, 
  I've had anorexia since I was 14 years old. I love reading your blog, I find it so inspiring. You are such a positive role model, especially to young people. Even though I've had this disorder for 34 years I've managed to lead a normal life. The torment every day is hard though. I've been married for 25 years to a great man. He knew I had problems but has stood by me all these years. My lowest bmi was X and I've never gotten over 17. I feel so blessed as I really should have died when I was 17. I've spent 3 years in hospitals during the teenage years. As I got married I desperately wanted kids. It drove me - hard as it was. I didn't think I would ever have any. Being told I may have made myself infertile was hard to hear. I guess i made a truce with this disorder over the years. Never being really bad but never being well. Now I have 8 berautiful children aged between 6 to 22 years. A couple of years ago I fell off a chair and broke 3 bones in my pelvis. It was very confronting, as over the years I developed osteoporosis and didn't know. I'm now back seeing my shrink. He did get a surprise to see me after 25 years. Fortunately he remembered me. I feel I'm finally making progress and on the way to be free and be really happy. I just want young people to know this disorder doesn't go away by itself - you really have to work hard. If they don't deal with it they will pay the price in their bodies later in life. I'm pushing on with my husband and kids behind me. I've been told I need to put on at least 8 - 10 kilos. Heres to a new year and a new me. I wish happiness to you. Such a lovely young lady and so much to give. Warmest wishes

Readers story

"Another year is almost over. I am glad!! This year was a terrible one in which I made so many mistakes and said goodbye to so many things I had. My "disorder" aka bipolar, severe depression, obsessive compulsive disorder got completely out of hand. I spent most of the year hating myself, hating life and continually overdosed in the hopes that I would die. The last time was bad. I drank X pills and soon fell into a deep sleep. I don't remember much, except trying to go to the bathroom once but I couldn't keep myself upright and holding onto the walls didn't help. On my attempt back to my room I collapsed halfway on the bed and halfway on the floor and stayed that way for a few hours. The next two days I couldn't move from my bed. My dad tried to get me to eat or drink something but I refused and for those two days didn't eat or drink anything. As the sedation wore off, I tried going to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth but I couldn't stand for longer than 10 seconds or I blacked out so I had to sit on the floor. After those two days my dad had arranged for me to go to Denmar, the psychiatric hospital, in the hopes that they could get me on medication that would make me function like a normal person. Really, if my father had a choice, he wouldn't have sent me there, it was either that or I would die from starvation. I was one big emotional mess. Uncontrollable crying, all I wanted was to die and I really didn't care anymore. I've never felt so alone, so unloved and so lost in my entire life. People I thought cared were really too self-righteous to give a crap and judgment and ignorance was all I got. But they didn't understand that I had a chronic physical illness. Just because it's psychiatric and in my brain, doesn't make it any less serious than cancer or any other chronic illness. It's a structural abnormality, a genetic flaw and it's a lifelong illness. I couldn't understand why I was so messed up, why I would cry for no reason, why one minute I was happy and the next I wanted to kill myself. I felt hopeless and was in denial that I needed medication. If so many people could live without it, I wanted to believe I could too, that I could control it. But after my last attempt, I realized I really couldn't, that unfortunately I am sick and I'm going to have to stay on medication for the rest of my life.

Those two weeks at Denmar were a turning point for me and was so different from all the other times I've been there. I let God back into my life and chose to trust Him. I suddenly started seeing things from a different perspective. I learned so much about myself, things that I had forgotten once existed and that they were still there, I wasn't completely dead on the inside. I laughed so much and so hard with my roommates, something I haven't done and felt in years. I realized there are things I enjoy and creativity was one of them. It was through doing art that I could focus my thoughts and learn more lessons. For a few days I felt as if this weight I've been carrying around my whole life just lifted. I could think clearly and felt so normal that I realized this illness is NOT a part of my personality. I found myself starting to look forward to the future and thinking more positively. I saw my doctor every day and was put on a lot of medication. Sertraline for OCD and anxiety, Molipaxin for sleep and an antidepressant, Wellbutrin for depression, Lamictin for bipolar disorder and a mood stabilizer, and zyprexa- another mood stabilizer with an antidepressant effect. I really do feel as though switching to another doctor who put me on this medication saved me. I really do feel more stable and my moods aren't so erratic. I really don't want to kill myself, I want to live, there are things I want out of this life- a family of my own, to finish my medical studies, to do charity work and help animals, to be creative and do things I enjoy. Just coming to that realization gives me so much to hold onto. Letting God back into my life and choosing to trust him and not be angry at him anymore is also one of the best things that happened.

So how is it going now? Antidepressants and all the other meds I'm on take at least 6 weeks to really kick in, it's only been three weeks now but I already do feel much much better. I'm going to continue taking my medication. When my doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder and I read up some more about it and learned things at the hospital, I understood so much about myself and how to manage this. The thing is, it's never going to truly go away, BUT it can be very manageable. You CAN lead a normal life, you CAN be happy. I know these things are true; that I am worth fighting for, that there is ALWAYS a way out of every tough situation, that choosing to no longer feed my thoughts with hateful lies about myself, negativity and surrounding myself with positivity can truly make a difference. What I want to say to anyone out there struggling with psychiatric conditions is this; when you come to accept your condition and choose to get help, you can change your life. Realize that it's not your fault that you act and feel the way you do and know that it's necessary to take medication if you aren't coping. There is always hope. <3 p="">