What made me want to recover? Going to a therapist?

Did you talk to any therapists while recovering? What do you think was the biggest thing that made you realised that you want to be healthy?

Yes, over the course of 2 years when i went to different treatment centres i have talked to 4 different therapists, and they all said the same thing "they cant help me", or "come back when im ready to talk." I didnt like any of the therapists i met, however that might have been because i didnt want help, i didnt talk or say anything. I would sit and wait for the time to be up. The only things i ever really said was "i am not sick" or "i dont need help"... and maybe some other things, but very little was said and i didnt open up or accept the help, so of course a therapist couldnt help me. I do personally recommend therapy to others as i believe it works well, but it only works if you open up and talk and recieve help. I never wanted advice or help or to talk - but i am pretty sure it would have done me good. But instead i stuck to blogging to express my thoughts and emotions and that also worked well :)



One of my biggest motivators to become healthy was my sister. I wanted to live a life like her... to be in school, to have friends, to have a boyfriend, to workout... to eat what i was hungry and stop when i was full, to be happy and live life. Of course that doesnt mean that my sister has had an easy life, infact me being sick has effected her in so many ways and it wasnt easy for her. But i always say her life as easy and a life i wanted as well. 
I remember rather clearly (one of the few clear memories i have from my time at Mando - the rest is a blur ) sitting in the sofa in the day room after my 4th (?) time as an inpatient at Mando and i was so mentally and physically exhausted. My whole body ached, my mind was slow and tired and i sat there and just thought "How strange is it that all of us sitting here are here because we dont want to eat. Something that pretty much everyone else loves to do." (Of course, maybe not in that exact phrase!), but also i realised... for the past year i had just been in hospital because i didnt want to eat. I realised that i could sit in hospital, skinny and refusing to eat, or i could be out living life and having a heavier weight. I just thought to myself, I hate myself now and hate how i look now so what does it really matter. 

"Freedom" and "dont let the sadness of your past or the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present" are 2 of my 5 tattoos that mean so much to me and about my past!

My motivation to recover was to have a life.... to be a teenager, not spend even more time in hospital and wasting my life. I wanted freedom, i wanted to live life even if life scared me incredbly. I wanted to be "just like everyone else", because all my life i had always been the "sick one" and i didnt want that anymore. 

Of course motivation to actually recover wavered up and down and living life wasnt always a motivation... but it was just to take each day as it came and try to focus on the positives of recovery and how my life was getting better and all the things i could do as i got healthier. Somedays all i did was survive, otherdays i lived. I did also relapse during 2012 - when my recovery motivation just wasnt strong enough - but eventually i found my strength and motivation again and kept fighting! 

For me, life and reaching my goals and dreams has always been my motivation to keep going. But also my dog... during the darkest of times, both during my eating disorder and last year with my depression, the only thing that kept me alive was my dog. I felt like i had given up on everything and nothing seemed worth it, but when i thought about leaving my dog and never seeing my dog again i felt like i couldnt do that, but also my blog has always been a motivation for me. Knowing i am helping people, and i remember during my relapse in 2012 (which i never wrote about back then) i just thought i cant let my readers down. I have to show im strong, i have to inspire others, and my blog helped me back on track again as well as having readers who called me out on my bullshit, hahaha. 



A long post, but i would love to know YOUR motivation for recovery? Is it life, family, friends, YOURSELF (the most important one!), school.... Share your motivation recovery to inspire others :)

Eating infront of others or eating when others aren't eating

I remember you saying that one of the earliest things that led to your eating disorder was the dislike of eating with others - ie having other people see you eat. How did you overcome this and are you at all still a bit self conscious about it today? Do you feel uncomfortable eating when others do not or about the food or the amount you are eating compared to them? If this was an issue for you during recovery how did you over come it?

Eating infront of others or admitting i was hungry, or eating when others wasnt eating was definitely a hard obstacle to overcome in my recovery. Because as you wrote, at the starting stages of my eating disorder i felt uncomfortable and self conscious eating around others in school - i felt like they were all staring at me - so it was easier to just not eat at all than to deal with the anxiety i felt eating with/around others. During recovery those feelings of guilt and self conscious while eating with others stayed with me, but then i also had to deal with the guilt of eating and feeling ashamed and like i was weak for eating.

The first step to overcome those feelings was to realise that everyone eats and needs to eat. When you eat in public you might find someone staring at you but that can be for numerous reasons i.e it was just a random moment where you both looked at each other, the person is daydreaming/thinking and their eyes are in your direction, they might be looking at you for numerous reasons etc But one of the things i hated was that i thought i was being judged for eating. That everyone around me would look at me and think "wow, what is she eating. Why is she eating, she shouldnt be eating" etc I felt judged by others and also myself when i ate when others were around, so instead i just wouldnt eat.  
   But by reminding myself that everyone eats, its natural and everyone needs to eat as well as hunger is normal helped slightly with my fear of eating in public/around others.


The next step was to be able to admit that i was hungry or to buy food when i was hungry. It took time until i could actually vocalize my hunger and not just sit in silence and think about how hungry i was. And then the next step of buying food when i was hungry. At first i began with buying the food i wanted to eat and then eating alone either in a bathroom, corner somewhere or wait until i was home and eventually i had to overcome the fear and be able to eat in public i.e if i had a granola bar or fruit, i had to challenge myself to eat in public/infront of others. But also to be ok with eating when others werent eating or say that i was hungry even when others werent hungry.

It was a long process of being ok with eating and not feeling self conscious or guilty for eating. But also being ok with eating the portion sizes i wanted when i ate with others and not just eat tiny amounts so that people wouldnt judge me.

I am a person who prefers eating on my own and generally speaking am more comfortable eating huge portions when i eat on my own, but i dont have a problem eating infront of others or eating when others arent eating. But the most important thing to reach the stage where i am now i.e dont care if people judge the amount i eat or what i eat (i.e if i make weird food combinations), or i dont care if i eat when others dont or admitting i am hungry. Reaching this stage has been all about challenging myself, facing the fear that held me back.

At first i bought a snack and would eat it in the bathroom. The next time i would manage to eat a snack standing in the corner of a room. The next time i managed to eat half a snack sitting with others and the time after that i would manage to eat the whole snack with others.

The first time i was hungry i would try to hint that we stop at a store or buy food. The next time i would walk to the store alone, the time after that i could vocalise that i was hungry to my mum, the time after that i could openly admit i was hungry. etc etc

Keep challenging yourself, that is the best advice and in time you can reach a stage of not feeling judged for eating or feeling like you are weak for eating or admitting you are hungry, but also a place where you can eat the food and portion sizes you want without caring what others think.


Below are some helpful posts:

Eating in public
Social eating
Eating more than others
Feeling like you need to eat less than others
How to cope and eat infront of others (3rd answer)
Answer - food comments
Eating even though others arent hungry

Did treatment help me recover or would/could i have recovered without treatment? Recovering as an adult without treatment

How did you cope from eating very little to being made to start recovery? As an adult in recovery I made my own choice to recover - but you were very young and that decision was made for you. Did it make your recovery experience harder or easier knowing that it wasn't your choice?

Do you think in patient treatment is the best for a successful recovery? Do you think your stay in hospital benefited you more than it would have done if you and your family had to manage your recovery at home?


First off i think treatment is important that seeking help from a treatment centre should be a first option, however i am aware that not everyone can do that for numerous reasons. But also that not all treatment centres are good... the first treatment i got was just therapy which didnt help at all and second was inpatient in a kids psychiatric unit which didnt help at all and just made me worse and then finally treatment from an actual eating disorder clinic in a different country (So yes, i had to move country to recieve proper treatment) and even then it took a year of inpatient, then outpatient, then inpatient, then outpatient and finally inpatient again before i began to recover. So i can say that even if treatment is recommended and helps, it doesnt automatically make a person recover. Many go in and out of treatment centres and from inpatient to outpatient for many years before actually recovering. .What treatment does is give you the support you might not receive if you didnt get help from a treatment centre, but also you often get to meet a doctor or dietitian which helps as well as they keep track of your weight and make sure that you eat and those things can be hard to do when you are on your own/just with your family. It can be very hard for a family to force you to eat as they dont have the energy to do that or see how much you "suffer" when they force you to eat, but also they might not have the time.

For me, despite being in treatment for roughly 1,5 years (i.e i started therapy at the start of 2010 in Ireland) and it was summer 2011 when i began to want to recover, but then relapsed at the end of 2011 and then didnt begin to recover/fight my fears and ed habits until summer 2012 and that was done on my own. Treatment helped keep me alive and it made me eat and rest, and i can say that without being an inpatient i would not have overcome my exercise addiction... i would not have been able to face my fear of resting and sitting if i wasnt an inpatient, but also it made me eat. My mum couldnt force me to eat, i just resisted so i needed to have staff at treatment force me to eat and rest. But actual recovery and wanting to recover that was MY choice and i did that on my own.

Recovery comes from the inside and just because you go to treatment doesnt mean that you will recover, unfortunatly. HOWEVER going to treatment makes you eat and helps you regain weight if that is what you need as well as maybe therapy being offered, and as you begin to eat and nourish your body it is easier to think straight and feel more energetic and lively and then begin to want recovery. So going to treatment, eating and resting and maybe therapy can help you make the decision to want to recover. .But just because you eat and gain weight doesnt mean that you are free and recovered i.e just because you reach your goal weight and are no longer inpatient doesnt mean you are free from your eating disorder, so treatment shouldnt just stop there instead maybe therapy should be offered instead of inpatient care.

For me, treatment kept me alive until i found the strength, courage and will to want to recover. If i hadnt gone to treatment or made to eat i would most likely have died from suicide or from a heart attack (as i had problems with potassium and electrolytes as i purged and exercised so much despite barely eating).

Recovery without treatment is fully possible as long as you are motivated and keep eating because it does get easier. If you have the motivation within you and keep facing your fears then you dont need treatment necessarily, even if it can be good. But getting help with a meal plan or going to a doctor ever once in a while or therapy can be great help, but motivation to recover comes from the inside and not something that happens just because you are in treatment.

I was forced into treatment, i had no option about that as i was underage and it did help me. If i am honest, i dont think i would have recovered without treatment i didnt have the motivation or strength or courage to want to recover and i needed to be forced to eat and rest until i could find that strength and courage.

How did you feel about having to recover? Were you even aware there was a problem?

I hated treatment, everyday it was awful. But i found it awful because i was being forced to do things that scared me, i mean treatment isnt bad.... i had to eat and rest... thats basically how i spend some of my days now, its just that now i amnt forced to eat and rest, but a choice and i dont have staff watching my every move. But treatment was awful because i didnt want to be there as well as being constantly filled with anxiety, fear and guilt.

I was aware there was a problem, i mean i knew that not eating and purging wasnt exactly normal but at the same time i kept telling myself that i was healthy and happy and there was no problem. As well as my habits being so "normal" that i didnt even register or think about that they werent normal or healthy. And then there was also the fact that i didnt feel underweight and everyone else was so much skinnier or eating less than me or exercising more, so why was i the one in treatment or being told to gain weight when people skinnier than me were out running marathons. 

In a way i knew i was sick but at the same time not really as i could rationalize everything i did and there was always someone worse than me and i told myself "i did eat" and i did sit sometimes, so there was nothing wrong with me... but then i reached the point of "i have had enough of this. I have had enough of being scared of eating, enough of not being able to sit down despite my legs shaking from tiredness and dizziness due to lack of sleep. Tired of the anxiety and fear and not being able to live my life as i was stuck in hospital" and that was an important part of my recovery and wanting to recover. My thoughts were along the line of, Why sit in a hospital being skinny and scared to eat and hating myself  when i could try to gain weight and be out and live life... i mean i hate myself anyway so what does it matter.

I reached the point of "enough is enough" and i cant keep doing this. I was so physically and mentally exhausted. And thought, why not. which was what helped me choose recovery the first time i.e sometime summer 2011, and then again in summer 2012 after my relapse. 

Don't stop fighting for recovery

If someone told me 5 years ago that my life would be like it is now, there was no way i would have believed them. I dont think i would have wanted to believe them. I so badly wanted my l ife to be over so if i was told that i would still be alive in 5 years time i thought i would still be stuck in the hell of an eating disorder.

5 years ago, which isnt that long ago, i poured boiling hot water on my arm and hand just to try to numb the pain and feel anything else but the anxiety and mental pain. 5 years ago, i took too many painkillers, anything to numb the mental pain i was in. 5 years ago i would run or powerwalk outside until i fainted or felt like collapsing. 5 years ago i would get up in the middle of the night to exercise as that was the only time i wouldnt get caught. 5 years ago i couldn't even do basic human things such as feed myself, rest or sleep. I kept myself awake thinking i would burn more calories, i never sat if i wasnt forced to sit and i wouldnt eat unless someone forced me to eat. For me, it was unimaginable that i would ever be in university or living away from home.

But here i am, 5 years on from all of that. And it was not easy, not at all. Recovery wasn't easy and it definitely wasn't perfect. I still skipped meals and made it looked like i had eaten, i still went out for runs when i shouldnt have, i lied to my family and the staff at Mando as well as myself. Recovery is by no means easy, but it is worth it, and it is also possible. It can feel impossible at times... sometimes you sit and cry infront of food or there is so much anxiety inside of you that you cant put anything inside of your  body as you think you will explode. There are times you might cry over your appearance or want to run away from it all, exchange lives... but that doesnt work. Instead you need to work on making your life better, and that is about taking one small recovery step forward.

Somedays that meant that i put milk into my coffee instead of black coffee, somedays it meant that i took the right amount of yoghurt instead of less. Somedays it meant that i went out for a cinnamon or ice cream with my mum and could eat it all. Later on the recovery steps were bigger, such as not exercising even when i had planned to, being able to eat ice cream even though i hadnt exercised, being able to eat meals where oil, butter and cream had been used while been prepared. Later on i was able to listen to  my hunger and fullness signals and try to trust my body and my cravings.

Though of course, that was one long journey and took a very long time for it all to happen. But it was possible!

I know in recovery you can often think, i cant recover. I am a "unicorn", i am different and not like the others... i cant recover. But the truth is... you cant recover if you dont try to recover. You can not sit and say you cant recover if you aren't even trying to. And recovery is by no means easy, but that doesnt mean you can't do it.... everyone who has ever recovered from an eating disorder has gone through the anxiety and the guilt, gone through the process of the body changing, but they have kept fighting and kept trying to reach their goal. Recovery isnt just about weight gain - some dont even need to gain weight - it is about mental recovery and changing your thoughts. That is often what is hardest, to change your thoughts. And of course, the longer you have thought a certain way, the harder it is to change... but not impossible!!! You need to remind yourself that you CAN recover, that that life which you imagine and you want... You can reach that. But then it also means making the changes necessary to reach that life.


Recovery is fully possible, and you have to believe it and work for it. It is not enough to wish for a change but you have to work for it. Recovery from an eating disorder or mental illness isn't easy, you may slip up or backtrack, but in the end it is fully worth it.

Think in 5 years your life could be completely different? Now i can barely believe that the girl i was in 2011 was actually me... but in a way, i guess it wasn't me. It was something else controlling me and it was basically just the shell of my body. It wasnt until i began to fight for my life and my health that the true me got to take her place in my body again :)

Your eating disorder changes you

Alot of people worry about after recovery. Wondering how to get back to their old self? How they will look? How they will feel? Worrying because they will weigh more than their pre ED weight.

But the fact is, you won't be the same as your old pre ED self. Think of everything you have been through. There is no way that you could go back to being the old you. You have changed, gone through events and experienced new things. But also your weight, it won't be the same because time has passed. You can't expect to weigh the same weight you did when you were X years old. But also after an eating disorder your body needs to weigh a little more to feel safer and function properly.
   

Life is also about creating yourself. You might find new hobbies and interests, your personality might change a little just like you might not enjoy certain things anymore.  You change. You will be different. So stop aiming to be the person you were before your ED.  Because you won't be. You can't go back to the past, you can only move forward. So focus on creating the new you. The person you want to be!!!

 I tried to find photos of me before my eating disorder, but i dont really have any. These are sort of pre ED pictures.

So young, not really knowing what awaited me. But it was at this time that i began thinking more about my future, worrying about my CF and i stopped taking my CF medications which was sort of the first step towards a very deep, downward spiral.

But what i wanted to show was that, this was the old me. The younger me. I really didnt weight so much at the time so when i was told at Mando that my goal weight would be higher than it was at this stage it felt like someone had punched me. I didnt understand that 1)I had grown a cm or two and 2) I was several years older so of course i would need to weigh more.

During my recovery i never longed back to the girl i was before, i didnt like her. She was shy, very low self esteem, worried too much about everything and got anxiety, i didnt dare step outside of my comfort zone. I didnt want to be her anymore and i had almost forgotten how i was when i was deep in my eating disorder. However i did long back to being a 5 year old, wanting to run in the fields, have my mum and dad take care of me, not have any worries or go to school or stress, think about my body or have anxiety. I longed back to being a child - but i had to realise that 1) I will never be a 5 year old again and 2)Life is what i make it. Life doesnt have to be bad, i just have to make it good!

My weight distribution/weight gain during recovery & how my body changed from exercise

It seemed like many of you were interested in this post so i looked through old pictures and thought i would show you how my body changed during recovery. This is just my body and how i changed and there were many ups and downs. I dont know my weight as i wasnt allowed to see the number when i was weighed.

I am starting the "transformation" from 2011 just before  i was admitted as an inpatient for my last time and then my journey from spring 2011 until spring 2012 when i began to relapse, lose weight and began to restrict, binge and purge which i struggled with for a while. And then regaining weight to reach my goal weight in autumn 2012. And then spring 2013 when i began to strength train and some changes from then until now, start of 2016... just to show that 1) how i looked when i had reached my goal weight was different to how i look now, and i know it is because of exercise, even if i dont exercise to change my body... it does change my body.

  But also to show my bloat and to show that in pictures i might not look "Huge" as i thought i did.... i thought i looked like a whale when that wasnt the case, and its most likely the same for you. You think you look huge, but you aactually dont.

I took alot of body photos while i was sick and struggling,  icant really tell you why because i would look at the photos and cry but i still took them.... and then sometime end of 2013 i stopped taking them as i didnt see the point of it anymore. Of course, selfies is one thing and there are times i take "so called body photos" but its not often as i dont see the point of it.

THE FIRST FEW PHOTOS MIGHT BE TRIGGERING. I APOLOGISE FOR THAT, BUT THAT WAS HOW MY BODY LOOKED AND THIS IS SHOWING THE TRANSFORMATION, AND ALSO NOTICE HOW MY FACE CHANGES AND THE HAPPINESS IN MY FACE CHANGES. DONT JUST FOCUS ON THE BODY, BUT ON HOW I LOOK HAPPIER AS WELL. 

PLEASE SKIP POST IF EASILY TRIGGERED BY "THIN" PHOTOS. OR close your eyes and hit the down button for maybe 5-10 seconds and you can see the later photos :)

From 2011-2015

(First picture been at Mando eating disorder clinic for 8-9 months. Currently a day patient and gained  X kilo. Picture on the right: roughly 25kg difference, post 10km race)

April 2011: Before being admitted as an inpatient again (had been a day patient for a few weeks)

3/4 weeks at Mando as an inpatient. And this was my morning shape (sucking in i think?)

After 6 weeks as an inpatient i was allowed a few hours at home... and of course i took body shots.

Constantly bloated

^^I am sure we all recognize ourselves in that type of photo? The bloated belly and at times you cant even see your feet? That was a constant thing in recovery and having to eat so often. But it PASSES, I promise you. When your metabolism and digestive system works properly it will pass and you will be able to see your feet again ;) Though in the evenings, most people are bloated.

And the pictures are pre lunch.

Almost 2 months after being inpatient (Dont know how much weight gained, i was allowed home again... and i took more body shots)

Sucking in vs. how i looked with my bloat.

I felt like i was alot bigger than how i actually looked. I felt like i was 9 months pregnant.... clearly not. But i was still bloated, just not as much as i thought.

And here you see... almost 2 months of regular eating and no exercise and i was still constantly bloated.

¨

Almost 3 months as an inpatient and my body had changed quite a bit compared to how i looked before. And it was hard to accept but i was trying. And as you can see, alot of my weight went to my stomach, legs, hip and bum... but still quite tiny arms. And that was pretty much how it continued (no idea how much i weighed at this time)

3 months as an inpatient and X kilo gained and I remember when i took the photos below. It was the first time i wasnt bloated and i felt CONFIDENT. I felt happy in my body and i remember thinking, "I can accept this... i can look this way" (Though i was still underweight at this time... no idea how much i weighed)

How i looked, no sucking in and no bloating (or a little bloating.. who knows? I didnt care so much about it at this time)

End of October 2011 and i had been allowed to start school and was going to Mando once a week or once every 2 weeks.

I think i had gained between 13-15kg at this time.

¨

I was beginning to try to accept my body.

End of 2011... school stress had begun to affect me and i had begun to eat less. I remember i got comments back then asking me if i had lost weight and i said i hadnt, but i am pretty sure i had. But i wasnt weighing myself back then.

 ¨


March 2012, i had begun to go for walks and jogs ( My case manager said i was allowed).

As i was falling into bad habits i couldnt quite accept my body or accept the "fat" i had and the stomach rolls i was beginning to get.... There really isnt much fat there but at the time all i wanted to do was lose the fat.

And so with my unhealthy eating habits i began losing weight again

I look so sad and empty in that photo.... and i was at the time. I was VERY appearance focused at that time. I was too focused on my body and not happy with the way i looked.

But then in May/June, roughly 6-7 months of my relapse i was given an ultimatum. If i didnt regain the weight i would be back as a daypatient at Mando... and i really didnt want that. So i began to follow my meal plan again to regain the 6-8kg i needed to gain to reach my goal weight. I also began at the gym sometime.... as you can see, me thinking i looked "strong"...

Below, the day after being declared healthy 8-10weeks after my ultimatum. I had a BMI of 19 at the time. My healthy body that i had to learn to accept.

During those 8-10 weeks i had also managed to stop binging and purging.

^Me at my healthy weight. (Photos i took for a modelling agency)

End of 2012 and i decided to focus on strength training in 2013 (my new years resolution). I did alot of cardio at the time (still hadnt found the balance with my exercise. But also stress and too little food meant that i was bloated alot at this time, despite being active. But i learnt from my mistakes and that is the important thing).

Now im just going to post a few photos from 2013-2016 and how exercise changed my body... as 3 years could mean alot of photos, but ill just post a few.

Started 2013 looking like (left) and ended 2013 looking like (right)

The difference. More food, less cardio and more strength training on the right.

Left side: Start of 2014

Right side: End of 2014

Focus strength trainng & food & lots of intervals.

Start of 2015.

Lots of running throughout the year.

But fininshed the year doing very little cardio and focus strength training.

Ênd of 2015

Start of 2016.

SO.... THE WAY MY STOMACH AND ARMS LOOK COME FROM EXERCISE.

I would not look the way i look if i didnt exercise. But you know what... i exercise because i LOVE being strong, being fast, being capable of doing all things. 

One thing which i hate is that when you, my readers look at me and look at my body and think, "i want to look like that as well. Is that how i will look when i recover." NO, you will look like you. The way i look NOW is because of exercise. I dont even deny that, but i can be truly honest with that fact that i dont exercise to change my body or to "Have abs" because in all honesty its just good lighting. I have stomach rolls and am bloated often if i eat things that my stomach has hard to digest, and in general i am bloated in evenings. That is normal!

But to show you that the picture above is just good lighting, here you see some of the photos i would prefer to not post.

Post food, sitting down belly.

(I.e no sucking in or fleing)

No sucking in or flexing

Flexing

And here you see one of my lovely bloated bellys which i get from time to time...

Though in this case the extreme bloating (could have the above bloat for days on end) and it was due to certain foods ive been eating and my body not being ablet o digest them. So that is why im now doing diet changes and so far its working!! XD

But back to the topic..... the bloating will pass. It lasted 3-4 months for me during recovery and then my metabolims began to work properly and it was no extreme bloating until i began to over exercise, stress (stress always causes me to bloat lots). And then now, when my stomach has been having some problems.

But the bloating pass.

And the weight will redistribute, but you cant change the fact that your body naturally holds onto fat in some areas. For me its the legs, hip and but and very little on my arms. So for me, one of the main reasons i began strength training was that i wanted bigger arms and to be stronger, because otherwise my arms would still be very tiny. I didnt feel very proportionate.

The weight does redistribute and by the time you are close to your goal weight that is pretty much how you will look, unless exercise changes that.

Also need to add, that from the end of 2012 and me reaching my goal weight i now weigh about 4-6kg more than that but look very different.

I hope this was somewhat helpful and helps calm your mind with the bloating and weight gain process. Of course this was just MY WEIGHT GAIN and it is different for everyone. Not to mention that even if you weighed the same as me and were the same height you wouldnt look the same as me. Everyone is different and that is ok.

The important thing is to accept your body as it is. Learning to love your body and when you do that then you wont feel the need to change or look like someone else, but you are happy in your body!!

So much can change each year - if you decide to make changes

Sometimes it is comical to think how much life has changed the past few years. But its also very empowering to think how different life can be when you decide to make a change.

Today i did three simple things while making dinner and that was 1) use oil while frying and 2) Make myself a pre dinner sandwich using butter, because i was hungry. These are 3 things which i dont even reflect upon in daily life because there is nothing to think about or reflect over. But for just 3-4 years ago i could not use oil or butter at all. I couldnt even eat on my own accord, let alone willingly use oil when making food or to even consider making a sandwich using butter and nonetheless eat it as a "pre dinner" snack. Hunger and cravings were two things i completely disregarded, i couldnt and didnt listen to those two signs.

Just 4 years ago i couldnt eat on my own. I couldnt sit down, i was always standing or exercising. I could not concentrate or anything. I could not look in the mirror without feel huge self hate. And i couldnt eat a meal without feeling guilty and hating myself. I could not go a day without exercise, let alone sit still for a whole hour. I couldnt go to the cinema, i couldnt spend time with friends - if i even had any, which i didnt at that time. I couldnt go to family gatherings or parties because it always resulted in anxiety and guilt.

Just 4 years ago i couldnt do a basic thing such as eat if i wasnt forced to eat. I couldnt do a basic thing such as rest unless i was forced to. I didnt even allow myself to sleep because i thought "i wasnt burning enough calories" then.

I was scared of having a healthy food intake and being "normal", that scared me so much . I didnt want to be normal or healthy, my identity was the sick person, but i also dreamed of being normal... of being able to eat when i wanted to. To be able to just sit down and eat when i was hungry and enjoy it. Not overthink it, not count calories, not plan my day around exercise (or in all honesty, i just exercised all the time and said no to everything else). I wanted health but at the same time it scared me so much because i didnt know how to get there and i thought that if i listened to my body i would be fat. I thought that if i ate chocolate i would never stop gaining weight.

But now, 4 years later i can listen to my body. I can do simple things which once were so extremely difficult. Its crazy really how something that seemed so impossible once can now be so easy, but it is also a reminder to you all. That you may be struggling now but it doesnt have to be that way forever, however it does mean that YOU have to make a change and keep fighting those fears and restrictions. I mean you dont wake up one day and suddenly be fine with eating and all your problems are gone, but its a continuous battle where you have to be stronger than your eating disorder.

But its also a good reminder that simple things that seem so hard now, such as leaving the house, talking to people and feeling happy, they wont always be hard. But maybe in a few weeks or months i will look back on this and feel proud over myself how those simple things are once again simple. That leaving my bed isnt such a hard act or leaving the house each day isnt the worst thing. But the important thing is to keep fighting to make the changes!


Time will always pass, and you have to take your chance every moment to make a change when necessary. Because 5 years can pass and you might not change at all or 5 years can pass and you can be a completly different person, whether that change is a positive or negative one is up to you!!

The reason why you do things matters

Sometimes it's hard to write exactly what I want to write on here. Mainly because I always need to explain things and clarify things, such as I can't say... "if you don't want a cookie then don't eat it". It really is as simple as that, but not when you have an eating disorder because then you might not want the cookie because of the calorie content, or because it is a fear food and gives you anxiety. And then, even if you don't want the cookie you should eat if anyway because you need to face your fears and eat things even if you don't want to.

The reason why you do or don't do things matters alot. If you go for a walk just to burn the calories you ate for lunch then that isn't the best way of thinking, but if you go for a walk to stretch your legs and get some fresh air, or just to help you concentrate and focus better.  That is a much better way of thinking. ... and it's about what YOUR thinking and reasoning is. Not just what you tell others, because you can tell others that you aren't hungry even though it's just because you want to avoid the calories,  or you can  tell people that you love working out even though you  do it just to burn calories.

 So what you say doesn't matter because anyone can lie but you have to know yourself your reasoning's and then do something about it.  If your thinking and reasoning is unhealthy then change that by facing your fears and doing something different.  For example don't go for that run which you just want to do to compensate, or eat that piece of bread even if your eating disorder tells you not to.

Reasoning and thinking is also what differs an illness from just someone else's weird behaviour. Because there are people who diet and some people who have disordered eating but that doesn't mean they have an eating disorder (there is a difference. ) the way a person thinks is what plays a role, of course usually certain behaviour goes to extremes which then is also signs that a person has an eating disorder. But its not always behaviour which is the defining factor, because unfortunatly there are may people with weird eating habits now a days and they dont suffer from an eating disorder. But society in a way gives out unhealthy eating behaviours, which can then be taken to an extreme by someone who is suffering from an eating disorder.

What is my aim with this post..... that you should know your reasoning and thinking behind your actions. And know what YOU need, what is best for YOU (and not your eating disorder). Sometimes you need to do things you dont want to or do things that scare you, but that will bring you closer to your goal of healthy and recovered. 

I didnt want any of the meals above and because i didnt really like the food i thought, why should i have to eat it if i dont like it. But then i had to remind myself, that it is my eating disorder that doesnt like the food and not me. And even if i dont like the food, i had to atleast try to eat it and see if maybe i had changed my mind.

Can you fully recover from am eating disorder ?

A question which many have in recovery is if they can fully recover. Many doubt it, infact I have read posts from people who say they are recovered but don't believe you can fully recover because they are still somewhat controlled by their eating disorder or still get thoughts and got regarding food,exercise, body image etc

However that makes me doubt that they actually are fully recovered, of course they can be recovered but still have 5% left to fight off. That was how it was for me. I was declared healthy August 2012 and I felt healthy, mentally and physically.  I felt good in my body and most of my disordered behaviours and thoughts were gone, however in the next 2 years or so sometimes a disordered thought would creep in such as "i can't eat some of the chocolate my family bought because I already ate ice cream today" or "can't have oil or dressing on my salad" or "definitely can't eat a slice of white bread. " but then I realised that those thoughts weren't healthy and then I needed to go against them. If I were to listen to that voice then over time the thoughts would have gotten stronger. But instead I ate white bread,or ate chocolate even though I had eaten ice cream before hand and I added extra to my salad or didn't try to get rid of the dressing. And eventually those thoughts didn't creep into my mind anymore but it was a process,knowing that I couldn't listen to that voice and that food should NEVER be connected with guilt or anxiety, not something I need to burn off or feel that I can't eat. It's all about moderation and balance which was the most important thing to remember.

  I mean there is still common sense and balance which needs to be remembered. If I have already eaten ice cream and lots of food beforehand then I don't necessarily need to eat a whole 200 chocolate bar, but I shouldn't be scared of taking a row because that is what I want, even if I already ate something before hand. The thoughts can go away completely, but then you can't resign yourself to just accepting the thoughts. Accepting that you will feel guilt around some food,or will never be able to eat some food or will never be able to do something because it causes you too much guilt. It shouldnt be that way, you need to completely fight your ED.  Not resign for half recovery or being almost recovered but still battling with some thoughts.  Because if you don't face them, then they will still be there controlling you forever. However when you are almost recover then you should have the strength and knowledge to go against those controlling thoughts and know better. Do the opposite,  because that is the only way that you will get stronger and your eating disorder will get weaker/fade away.

It's like with weeds, you need to dig in deep and completely remove the weed,not just the bit that can be seen because otherwise it will continue to grow and expand and take over the whole garden. You need to remove it at the roots so it can't grow back and take over!!

So I believe that full recovery is possible but it does take time.  You can't let those small, last thoughts still control you.... Because if you are scared of eating a white slice of bread now and again or scared of eating both crisps and chocolate in the same day, can you really say that you are healthy? Food is still something controlling,  something that gives you guilt which is what you need to move away from wen you recover.

This is my own opinion from my own experience, but maybe you feel differently.... but then the question is,are you doing something to go against those thoughts or just allowing them to control you? Because you have the power to change.  You just have to make a change then!!

Time heals all wounds

I believe in the quote that "time heals all wounds", im some sense anyway. Not all 'wounds' can be fully healed, somethings in life make such a huge impact that you will never really be the same and whatever happened will always be remembered. But time makes things better, because you grow, you change. You experience new things and the past becomes the past and memories and experiences might not affect you as much, but learning to let go and move on are also huge parts of that. You cant expect wounds to heal if you keep picking at the scabs, and you cant expect memories to fade and be less painful if you keep rethinking them, keep them in your mind at all times.

For me, i dont live in the past. What i went through is the past and all the horrible things i went through and experience, they are mostly forgotten, or atleast arent thought about so often so it can feel like they are gone, like it was all some type of nightmare, which in a sense it was. But then sometimes, memories hit me hard..... and i begin thinking about just exactly what i have been through. The feelings and the emotions and it is crazy to think about that it was actually reality.


While in the psychiatric unit in Ireland i spent days on end not talking, just lying in bed. I wasnt allowed to move, i wasnt allowed to go to the bathroom without someone following me. I wasnt allowed to drink so much water. I would sit by the kitchen table 6 times a day with a staff across from me and a plate of food infront of me. The first few weeks they would try to pepp me to eat, try to encourage me. But by the last few weeks there both me and the staff would just sit and stare at the clock, both knowing that the meal would leave the table exactly the same as it arrived.
I had staff who would sit and stare at me while i lay in the bed, not even allowed to read or watch films because that apparently "Burned too many calories". All i was allowed to do was listen to music and lie in the bed. But as soon as the staff would leave for some reason i would jump out of bed and do jumping jacks, not caring that the bed would make noise each time i moved or got out.
The bed was uncomfortable and hard so each morning i would wake up with bruises and pain as well as a sigh as i was still alive and had to try to get through another day. I wasnt allowed a phone or contact with the outside world and i was only allowed to call my family if i gained weight, but as that never really happened i got very little contact with my family and when i did get to call them i would sit and cry in the kitchen of the hospital and beg my mum to get me out of there. She wanted to, but she knew she couldnt because no matter how much i promised that i would do right at home she knew that i was lying, but also that she wasnt allowed to take me home. Because i was underage and so undernourished i had to be in treatment centre, if i were to run away - which i had thought about so often, but knew i wouldnt be able to because all the doors were locked and had alarms - i would have had the police after me.

Finally after 6 weeks of hell i had to be moved to the kids hospital and get tube fed as i wasnt eating on my accord, and there i spent 2 weeks which were even more of a hell. Because now there were babies screaming during the day and night, i had both hospital staff and stafff from the psychiatric unit constantly watching me and i had a painful tube down my nose which nourished me. And i absaloutly hated that tube, all i wanted to do was rip it from my face as i knew that i was being fed roughly 3000kcal a day from the tube which then made me not eat anything from any of the meals placed infront of me. (I still had to try to follow my meal plan as well as the tube feeding).
 Each time my dad visited me he cried, each time my sister visited me she seemed shocked to see me and didnt know how to act. My mum tried to make things good for me, she brought me stuff to do and bought me new clothes or brought flowers to the hospital but i just lay in the bed and felt more and more distant. I had doctors and staff telling me that if i didnt begin eating i would be dead. They didnt know how to help me. 2 months had passed and i had just become worse, now i wasnt eating anything but before hand i could atleast manage a little food. My weight was only incresing because i was being tube fed, but they knew that i couldnt just be tube fed because the body also needs proper food and food which it can break down and digest. I found ways to self harm during those 2 months and whenever i was alone i would exercise as well as purge if i got to go to the bathroom on my own. I barely spoke during those 2 months, instead i was so stuck in my own head, in my own thoughts. But when i did speak i mentioned the fact that i wanted to die and that i had no future, and the doctors and staff tried to convince me that i would be ok but at the same time telling me that if i didnt change, death was not something i would choose but something i couldnt avoid.

My family knew i wasnt getting better, they knew that i wasnt getting the help i needed so my mum made the decision to move to Sweden with me. We werent planning on officially moving, just that i would get the help i needed. So after 2 weeks in Sweden i was admitted to Mando as an inpatient and the next 2 years were spent there with most of the time being an inpatient.

I was in a wheelchair for weeks at a time because my heart rate was so low and i wasnt allowed any activity, but that didnt stop me from exercising in my room or getting up to walk around whenever i could. However because they knew i struggled with an exercise addiction they were quick to put an activity monitor on me which i would have on for 3 days and it monitored how much activity i did during the days. I laugh at it now, because i always took the monitor off and then said "it wasnt working" and i also didnt care what the monitor said, i kept going with my exercise anyway, though the staff knew exactly what i was doing and kept trying to catch me in the act.
  While at Mando there could go days on end when i didnt have a single visitor or didnt get to see daylight. Instead when i wasnt eating or lying down resting after a meal i would stare at my computer screen. I did alot of writing while at Mando, i wrote anything from 3-12 pages (diary pages) a day while at Mando. I wrote my feelings, my thoughts, my suicide plans, my escape plans. I wrote how much i hated myself, how much i hated Mando, how much i hated food, how much i hated my body. I was angry all the time, angry at myself, angry at the world, angry at everything because i wished that everyone could leave me alone so that i could just continue with what i was doing and not have to feel all the anxiety and guilt all the time. But i know now that if people had just left me alone like i had wished, then i wouldnt be here now because i would have had heart failure or organ failure due to what i was putting my body through each day. I wouldnt have lasted, my body would have given up. So Mando was my saviour even if it took a year of treatment there to finally want to recover and even then it wasnt a smooth sail, but a relapse as well.

Why am i writing this? Because sometimes i cant believe that i had to sit in a wheel chair because my heart rate was so low, that i had to have activity monitors on me because i couldnt sit down or be still or because i had to have tube feeding because i refused to eat. It feels like so long ago, and it was long ago, 4-5 years ago. But at the same time, that is not that long ago... 25% of my life was spent sick and hating myself. 2,5 years of my life was spent in different treatment centres. 2 years of missed school due to my illnesses.

However, time passes and time heals all wounds. I can still get nightmares where i am locked back in Mando and screaming for help. I have times where i feel huge regret and guilt for what i put my family through and times i get angry at myself for wasting my life, but at the same time what i went through has made me who i am today. And i know that in some ways it has made my family stronger as well.


Instead of posting pictures from when i was ill and underweight, because there are so many of them in past posts i am just going to post a few from now, from a healthier and happier me. Memories might not completely fade, but they no longer control my life either. The pain and anger i experienced for so long has passed and the person i was before is not who I am today.