Recovery is about fully letting go and not holding onto any piece of your eating disorder

I saw this picture today while online and i thought it would make a great reminder and post topic. I have made posts about this before, but it doesnt harm to write about it again.

Fully recovering is about letting go of all the eating disorder habits. Even if it takes years to do so, that is what needs to be done to feel fully free and not controlled. Of course some habits have been done for so many years that they are just habits and not even something you realise are due to the eating disorder, some habits are so engrained into you that you cant imagine not doing them again. But if they are something which control you in a sense, i.e maybe you dont let your food touch on the plate or you feel that you always have to eat vegetables with your meal and can feel a panicked feeling if your food touches each other or there are no vegetables with your meal, then maybe you should consider the fact that those thoughts and behaviours arent healthy. Even if you have had them/done them for years? Or maybe you have this rule that you have to take 10000 steps everyday and dont go to bed if you havent take so many steps. You might not even think that is something disordered because you have done it for so many years and "everyone else is tracking their steps", but counting your steps is something that controls you and you get an anxious or panicked feeling when you havent completed all your steps.... then maybe you should think about whether that behaviour is a healthy one or one stemming from your illness?

Dont stay in half recovery or be a functional sufferer. You can not hold onto small parts of your eating disorder, you need to get rid of all the habits but also change the thoughts. Challenge your mindset and your thoughts. Change the behaviours that keep you back from full recovery!

Only you can know why you do things in your life so it is up to you to be honest to yourself about why you do them and whether they stem from a healthy mind set or a sick mindset (i.e healthy intentions or sick intentions). Be honest to yourself and make the changes necessary so you can live a free life and not have small things that control you and hold you back from living the life you want!

What to do when you are physically recovered but still have some eating disorder thoughts left.

Recovery is more than just weight gain, for some they are a healthy weight and struggle with an eating disorder. Eating disorders are more than just weight, they are a mental illness, meaning that anyone at any shape or size can have an eating disorder.

But what happens when you are physically recovered and mentally 80% recovered but you still find yourself getting some thoughts... thoughts that hold you back from true recovery. Do you just accept it and think, this is life, it wont get better than this. Or do you realise that you are still controlled by your eating disorder, but that you can break free. You can regain YOUR control and be free from your eating disorder, but that means facing those fears and the things that hold you back.

Because first off, if you know that you are getting certain thoughts that you dont think are normal, then 1) write them down and challenge them. Why does that thing scare you? What can you do to go against it so it is no longer a fear. Because if you dont challenge those thoughts or fears, they will continue being fears and continue controlling you. Its like any fears, if you dont go against them then they will always be fears, they dont magically disappear.

If you get thoughts such as, i shouldnt eat dinner because i ate alot for lunch, or you think you cant have the cookie because you're going to eat potatoes for dinner etc then challenge those thoughts. Go against them and do the opposite. Food is not the enemy, but food shouldnt be your whole life either. Recovery is about finding YOUR balance, where food is part of your life and you eat it everyday because that is what you need. But unless you are working with food, it shouldnt be the main focus on your life either. I.e sitting around and counting down the hours until your next meal or always thinking about what you are going to eat next isnt good either. (This can happen at times, and there is nothing wrong with that, but if this is an everyday type of thinking and all your focus is on food then you need to do something about that. Find hobbies and distractions)

If you are still getting thoughts that hold you back and control you, then go against them. It can help to know which ones are the controlling ones and when they pop up, you have to be strong enough to not listen to them. But to try to listen to the real you, and if that is not possible... at least do the opposite of what your ED wants you to do.

Find YOUR balance with food, find your enjoyment in food, but also focus on LIFE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS.

Dont let your eating disorder control you, because you can be fully free. But that means not letting the ED thoughts control you, instead going against them. And eventually they will fade away, maybe at times you might get a random thought such as, "i ate too much for lunch, i should eat a small dinner" or "ive eaten ice cream too often recently i shouldnt eat anything with sugar for the next x weeks" etc but you should be strong enough to know what is best for YOU and to go against those types of thoughts. Of course, there is a difference between needing to go on a sugar detox because you are sugar addicted, and not wanting to eat sugar because you are scared of sugar. And there is a difference between not being so hungry - physically - because you ate alot already and then eating a little less later on. Rather than telling yourself that you cant eat alot even though you are hungry, just because you think you ate too much. When you are controlled by your eating disorder, then the best thing is to keep fighting until those thoughts are no longer in your head. Even if it scares you, gives you anxiety or guilt, you cant give up... because otherwise those thoughts will always control you. You need to fight them sometime, dont accept half recovery, because life is so much better as fully recovered!! It is a mental battle, but if you want it then you can win it :)

Half recovered vs. fully recovered

To start off with.... this picture. Hopefully it will put some things into perspective.

When you are half recovered its easy to think that you are recovered or as healthy as you will ever be. You sort of accept the fact that you wont ever be fully free. That you will always have issues and struggle with your weight, appearance, food etc But it doesnt have to be that way. Because half recovered isnt fully recovered. 

HERE is a post about the dangers of half recovery as well as links to my own half recovery.

During half recovery you still have thoughts about weight, food, your body image, wanting to change your body, you might still have fear foods etc
  But you can still live your life somewhat, you might go to school or work, might be able to eat with others sometimes but it can lead to compensation the next day. Most people during half recovery or a normal weight or close to normal weight and because they can go to school/work then many people dont realise you are still struggling, or struggling as much as you are. 

The thoughts CAN change, but it means you have to let go. To realise that if you need to gain weight, then you need to do that and that a few kilo wont change your body drastically or make such difference to your appearance. And whether you need to gain weight or not you need to learn to love your body.
   You also need to learn to eat without guilt or anxiety and to be able to eat all types of food. Go out to cafes and restaurants and eat and be ok with that. To have others prepare you food. To be able to eat all types of food and at different times as well.
  You need to face all your fears and let go of your eating disorder.  To take that jump, even if its scary.

There is a big difference in the way you behave, think, look between half recovery and recovery. So you cant give up... the best way is to not settle down at where you are, but instead keep eating those fear foods. Its not enough to eat them once or go to a restaurant once and panic loads and never go back... you need to keep doing those things until they dont scare you. And to keep challenging yourself so that you can live the free and healthy and happy life you deserve. But that does require hard work!!!

Set up small goals to work towards!

Half recovery - and pictures that make me realise i wasnt healthy.

Half recovery... The stage where you think you are healthy, but really you arent.

You might be able to eat and close to your goal weight, but you still arent fully recovered. Trust me there is a BIG difference between half reocvered and fully recovered and you wont fully understand how big a difference there is until you are finally fully recovered.

You need to step outside of your comfort zone and do things that scare you... becuase it is scary to gain the last few kilo. To face all your fear foods and to let go of your eating disorder.

With this post i also want to mention that, it can be easy for thoughts to pop into your head where they make the past seem alot better than it actually was. Where thoughts tell you that you felt great, that you were happy and had energy when you weighed less and were sicker. But dont listen to that voice, because its not the truth. There was a reason you choose to begin fighting, so dont let go of that choice!!!

Dont let your eating disorder make the past seem like a better place, because it often wasnt. You need to let go of the past and look forward to the future!

These are just some of the photos from that stage when i thought i was recovered, eating enough and actually stil had quite alot days when i thought i was fat... which wasnt the case at all. And the portions i ate at that time....? No wonder i was so tired and depressed, my body was getting barely any energy. (Hence why i binged, purged and restricted as well). So if anyone thinks that the way i looked in these photos looks good.... then i can tell you that it is a very unhealthy body shape as i was using unhealthy methods to try to maintain that body... and this was still about 15+kg from my lowest weight.

How i kept going

I got asked a little while ago, How i kept going. And its hard to answer, sometimes even I wonder how i actually kept going. How i took myself through the dark nights filled with anxiety, the meal times that were surrounded with panic and guilty feelings, the suicidal and depressive thoughts, the voice in my head screaming that i was fat, shouldnt eat, needed to lose weight....But i did take myself through those times, and i know you can as well.

For me, i am a very determined and motivated person. If i put a goal up for myself, i want to reach it. Do i fight 110% to reach that goal everyday, no i dont. Im only human. But i know in the back of my head that i need to take small steps to reach the big goal, and thats what i did.

My goal was to come home, to be healthy. I had my sister as my inspiration, she was living her life. Going to school, had friends, a boyfriend. Ate when she was hungry, stopped when she was full. Ate both healthy and unhealthy and had(still has!) a gorgeous body. And thats what i wanted.....
   I didnt want to be in hospital. I still wanted to be skinny, and the thought of gaining weight, the thought of becoming bigger and reaching my goal weight scared me. And i had times where i just wanted to give up because i didnt want to gain wieght, i didnt want to become bigger. But in the end, i knew i wanted to be healthy. So many years had passed me by. So many years of over exercising, starving myself, purging, self harm. I had missed out on friends, parties, special occasions. Ruined Christmasses and Easters, 2 years in a row my family had come to visit me in hospital on my sisters birthday. Sat and cried on my birthday because people were coming over and i didnt want to eat.
   So many bad memories, and i didnt want it anymore.



My decision to actually recover came a few weeks after my last time as an inpatient, it was like something clicked in me. I was tired mentally and physically of being sick and i wanted to come home.
  And then all these small steps that took me in the right direction towards recovery. It wasnt always easy, infact in the beginning it wasnt easy at all. I still tried cheating, i still couldnt relax, but i had this mentality that i was atleast going to try. That when i got a chance to go to a cafe with my sister, instead of choosing the lowest cal option, i chose what I wanted. Small things like that.
  Actually choosing cheese on my bread instead of jam, which i had always chosen.

Its tough to recover, its a constant battle inside your head but you need to havea  goal. You have to WANT recovery. That is one of the most important things i tell people. Set up small goals for yourself, like go 2 weeks without purging or binging. Or if you gain X kilo you will do something you've wanted to do or buy something you've wanted etc. All these small goals which get you working towards the bigger goal.

There were nights in recovery where i cried myself to sleep, days filled with anxiety, hate towards my body and my life and wanting to give up. Times where i skipped a meal due to anxiety. But i got back on track... just because i messed up, that didnt stop me.

  And then when i had my half recovered stage where i stayed a few months, beause i had no motivation to recover... i was still sick, but tried to convince myself i wasnt. But once i got my motivation back to actually recover fully, then i worked towards that goal.

You need to keep going and know that it gets better even if it doesnt feel like it, right at the moment. Because you know what, sometimes it feels ebtter to give up. To dig a hole and just lie there, refusing ot get up. But that isnt going to help... that just makes things worse. Because who knows, tomorrow could be one of the best days of your life, but you miss it because you lock yourself away, or give up on life.
   So keep going, even during the darkest and toughest days. That is my best advice.

You know how it is to be sick, why not give healthy a chance? What i was told in recovery, and it sounds very contradictory is, Why not try reaching my goal weight, if i dont like it. I can lose the weight again. And that is so true.
   If i wanted to, i could go back to starving myself, go back down to 40kg if i wanted. But thats NOT what i want. I WANT to eat, i want to nourish myself and my body. I like the way i look and feel no need to starve myself or be super skinny.
    You always have the choice of going back to being sick, but you need to ask yourself, is that really what you want? Do you really want to feel the way you do?

If you liked the way you feel, the way you are living, you honestly wouldnt be on my blog, would you? So why not give Recovery a chance?

The dangers of half recovery

If you want to read about my half recovery you can read HERE or HERE or read my whole recovery HERE

However what i want to bring attention is the awful half recovery... the stage where you might have some normal habits such as being able to eatn 60% of most foods, you are close to or at your goal weight. You might be back to school or work.... you might even look or behave healthy but you still have alot of ED behaviour or thoughts.
    Its this stage where ALOT of people get stuck at....they think that they are healthy. They spend 90% of their time convincing themselves that they are healthy.

Even i did it.

Iwas restricting during the day, i was scared of carbs, i still hadnt eaten chocolate or crisps. I binged and purged in the evenings. I still self harmed at times. There was a voice in my head telling me i was fat and that if i were to gain the 3-5kg i needed then i would look enormous. That voice in my head told me i was healthy, i was normal but i was also too fat. I didnt need anymore food, i didnt need carbohydrates.I didnt need rest. But i was still healthy....

Though i was FAR from healthy. Though i thought i was because i was going to school i was able to eat lunch in school though a small lunch and i ate barely anything or nothing before school because i was restricting for later when i would binge in the evenings.

DONT get stuck in this viscious circle. Dont get stuck in half recovery when you think you arent sick enough for help, you arent sick enough for hospital or treatment because either you can eat something... or your a normal weight or not too underweight.
  But the fact that you think you arent sick enough is a sign that you arent healthy. Because healthy people dont wish to be sick or to be in treatment.

Also remember that eating disorders are in the head... you could be a normal weight or you could be able to eat most types of food. But if you still have ED thoughts in your head then you arent healthy. When you are at this stage its usually you who has to realise that you cant stay there.... your parents, doctors and friends might treat you like you are healthy. But you have to realise that if you have thoughts of starving yourself, compensating for eating, you feel guilty for eating, you skip food, you have fear foods, you dont allow yourself to rest etc etc
  none of those things are healthy and means that you ARENT healthy. No matter what your ED tries to convince you.

Realise that there is MORE TO LIFE and DONT stay in this half recovery, grey zone. TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE.

Half recoverd

Half recovery... a very tricky stage. In some parts, both physically and mentally you feel healthy. Like you are normal... like others, but there are still certain restrictions and fears you have. Not quite letting yourself fully recover. Maybe scared of reaching your healthy set point..scared of letting go of your comfort and your ED. Scared of certain foods and certain things/events/food evoke anxiety... feeling like you can live life, but at the same time there is a wall around you stopping you from really living.
   But you cant fool yourself into staying in this place... thinking that this is all there is. Because it isnt. There is MORE to life than half recovery and you cant give up there... you have come so far. You need to keep fighting.

If you want to read about my half recovery and advice on how to overcome this stage click HERE

When i was half recovered i felt fat... i felt HUGE. I had this fear that when i reached my healthy weight, after gaining another 5kg i would be even bigger. But its now when i look back at photos from that time that i realise how skinny i was, that i didnt look healthy. And that those 5kg DID make a difference to my mental health. I still had ED habits and thoughts and was still depressed. But with the weight gain it brought energy and strength to help me really recover.
  One thing which i find sad though is that i have had people tell me, mainly through my blog that i looked better at this stage... when i was half recovered. That i was still skinny and pretty, i looked good and that that is there goal body... Hearing this makes me sad. I was STILL underweight and i was FAR from healthy. I binged, purged, restricted, self harmed, was depressed. I wasnt healthy. And aiming for that body - an underweight body, SHOULDNT be someones goal.
  Whether someone thinks im prettier then than now doesnt make much difference to me, because i am happy with my body now. I dont need anybody elses approval, but the fact that an underweight body is seen as a goal weight and perfection is the thing that scares me and makes me sad. It shouldnt be that way.

How to stay motivated in recovery

Motivation is something that comes and goes, no matter what it is you are working towards. Whether its weight gain, weight loss, working towards an A in a certain topic, or trying to reach a goal.... you have times when you begin swaying from your goal. Wondering exactly why you are working towards that goal.... you might feel tired, find it easier to stay where you are, or to fall back to before rather than keep fighting. Because trying to reach any goal takes tough work. Commitment, patience, hard work and of course motivation.
   Motivation is what i like to call fresh produce. I.e it doesnt always last as long as you want it to. Sometimes you need to force yourself to do things you dont want to do, just because you know you have to do them. Especially when you have a goal to reach.
   For example, if someone is training to run a marathon, they might not feel like going out to run a 10km in the pouring rain. But they know that it will help them reach their goal...

And thats like recovery, you might be fully motivated one day and do everything right. But the next day the anxiety starts creeping in, you begin asking yourself why are you fighting towards recovery when eating causes so much anxiety and you begin skipping a meal. Thats basically one step forward and 2 back. That doesnt bring you closer to your goal. So you need to motivate yourself on those days where you begin questioning yourself why.

A way to keep yourself motivated is to write out your goal.... what is your goal? To be healthy? To have your life back? To be allowed to exercise etc
   And then write out HOW you will reach that goal. It can be good to have a plan, for example...goal is to gain weight: to reach that goal i need to gain 0,5-1kg a week. How will i do that... i will eat ALL my meals. I will rest. I will fight the bad thoughts.
  That can make it easier to know what you need to do when you feel like giving up. Write out those things for your goal and place them where you can see them and remind yourself.
 
Also putting up notes such as, you are beautiful. You dont need to change. You are perfect just the way you are. etc on mirrors, in journals, on the fridge etc and reminders that you NEED to eat can be a good motivator. A small reminder each time you see them to not give up.

Set up rewards.... this works for some, not for all. But you might want to have a reward when youve gained 5kg, because that isnt easy. And it can be nice to reward yourself... whether its a new dress, a new pair of shoes or even a box of questbars etc :)
    Or maybe when youve faced your fear food or done something that scares you, you get  a reward. Its like with dogs... when you teach them new tricks or do something like cut their claws, you give them treats to teach them the right thing :) Or like children!!

Know WHY you are trying to recover. Put up a list of all the PROS of recovery and all the CONS of being sick.... know that it is worth it to recover.

Have a way to cope with the bad times, with the negative thoughts and the anxiety. Such as writing, listening to music, talking or doing something else.

In recovery, you need to constantly motivate yourself. When you feel yourself giving up then look back at your goals, look at how far you have come. Make a list of what you need to do - such as the ED behaviour need to get rid of.... look at all the pros and good things of recovering. Make lists of what you want to do with your life, things you want to achieve etc
   All those things can help motivate you when you find it tough.

Also having a mantra or some form of motto which you can repeat to yourself when you are sitting at the table and struggling to eat or when you get anxiety or want to exercise or purge or something like that. Then keep repeating the positive mantra/motto and keep yourself calm.

I hope these tips help you to keep yourself motivated in recovery, because its not easy. But its worth it and thats the most important. Of course there are days when its tough where you do just sort of lie on the floor and want to give up. But the important thing is to not let that day become a week and then become a month. But to stop it right there... to not let yourself slide further down, but to get up and keep fighting!!!

Stages of recovery

Just a little sum up of how the typical recovery occurs. Please dont feel offended, this is not supposed to be 100% serious. Remember, there are always exceptions in recovery, but it is called exceptions for a reason. 

”What step did you reach today?”

Level 1 - sick
You are sick, and you dont want to change, and/or dont think you have a problem. Refeeding is in most cases necessary in order to level up from here.
Some stay here until they die. Some stay here for years, other weeks, before eventually leveling up to nr 2. 

Level 2 - to be or not to be
You are sick, but one part of you want to change. Even thought you know just as much as recovery and food as your psychologist, nutritionist and doctor alltogheter, and give tons of advices to others, you come up with reasons why you should wait; you dont know xx, you can not do xx without xx etc. You are afraid you’ll spend the rest of your life with an eating disorder, but the thought of recovery is just as scary. 
Some stay here until they die. Some stay here for years, other weeks, before eventually leveling up to nr 3.

Level 3 - recovery begins
You increase your intake gradually. 
You gain a lot of weight really fast despite eating little. 
You are 100% sure you are different from every person who has been in recovery, and that your metabolism is broken, that all you gain is body fat and not water weight/food in your system, you are doomed to eat little for the rest of your life and that you will keep on gaining x kg weekly forever.This whole eating thing feels weird, scary, safe, disgusting, amazing; everything at once. You go from crying about feeling like an obese whale, to feeling motivated and energic. You may feel unpleasant physical symptoms such as edema, nausea, stomach ace, fatigue, headache - just discomfort and pain in general.
People dont stay here for long. Some people gets scared by whats happens, and level down to level 2 - relapse. Others keeps on going.

Level 4 - extreme hunger
The weight gain has slowed down somewhat. Your moods are still up and down. Sometimes you feel sad and fat, other times normal or even good. Sometimes you miss being sick, other times you feel like you have seen the recovery light, and mood and energy levels are sky high. The unpleasant physical symptoms from level 3 may occur. Some people smoothly levels up to level 5, but a majority experience EDs biggest fear; extreme hunger.
Not long ago you had troubles eating and keeping down 2000 calories daily. Now you are so hungry that you could eat your whole fridge. And you eat. A lot. This terrifies you. You are convinced you have destroyed your hunger/fullness signals forever, that you will become an obese, emotional binge eater. 
Some people accepts this hunger, eventually gives in and dont restrict, purge and/or overexercise. 
You think you will end up in Level 1 or 2 with an other eating disorder; binge eating disorder, but in reality you level up to level 5.
The sad thing is that at this point a lot of people end up in level 1 og 2 with an other eating disorder; bulimia. The extreme hunger gets to scary, and they turn to purging, overexercise or restriction. Sometimes people get weight restored despite using these compensary techniques, but mental recovery? Nah. They have just replaced anorexia with another eating disorder. They wrongly think the problem is the binges, not restriction, purging and/or overexercise.

Level 5 - recovered but not recovered

Extreme hunger is not as strong anymore, but it may occur now and then. The weight gain has slowed down, but you are still not recovered mentally and/or physically. 
If you were very underweight when you started recovery, you may have reached a not severely low bmi. You are obviously still very thin, but you think that is ok because (*insert invalid reason that often includes skinny family member and/or that you were skinny before puberty, like most people were). You convince yourself your set point is low, but the thought of letting your body decide that freaks you out. Some people may also be weight restored here, but not recovered.
You still have some disordered behaviours such as for example calorie counting in order to maintain your weight, obsessions with food, calories, weight and body, weighing yourself, end up spending a lot of time reading about health, body, nutrition, cooking etc, exercise to feel better about eating or to maintain your weight (even though you tell yourself it is because it makes you feel good), food rules and so on. You may have troubles ‘letting go’ of the obsession with being the thin one (if you are), and feel like your life is a bit pointless without ANY food/body/health focus.
Some people realised they are not recovered, and level up to level 6. Others skip level 6, and go straight to level 7.

Level 6 - what now
Level 6 is just a pit stop where a lot of people consider to unconsciously end up in level 1 or 2, with a new but physically less dangerous eating disorder. Examples of these are;
- You see the raw vegan/paleo/low carb/fruitarian/gluten free diet/(any other diet with food rules) light. You end up spending hours obsessing and reading about food. You have found the holy truth, and your new diet have saved you from an eating disorder. 
- You see the fitness light, and start a fitness journey where you still spend hours obsessing about body, exercise and food, just in a different and more socially accepted way. Some people will go as far as becoming professional fitness athletes - EDs wet dream. That means that starvation, orthorexia, exercise and zero body fat is ok, because there are some muscles underneath that skin.
- You get (or keeps) orthorexia or any other food obsession, where you obsess about always eating clean, and often weird food. You spend a lot of time cooking, and rarely eat the same as those around you. The weekly highlight is to go to the post office to get your package from Iherb.com with all kinds of weird organic jabagdalawananana nut butters, zero calorie sauces and sugar free bubble gum that tastes like candy. You tell yourself that you have a healthy relationship with food and health because you are brave enough to have some pieces of chocolate now and then.
- Any other lifestyle choice that has do to with food control. You may combine level 6 with level 5, for instance becoming a thin, ‘healthy’ and calorie counting vegan who runs to maintain his or hers weight.

Level 7 - end of recovery
You feel more comfortable eating foods that used to scare the shit of you. You may get weight restored here, and have accepted that this does not mean balancing on the line between normal- and underweight. If you count calories, it is to make sure you eat enough to gain those last kgs. Sometimes your eating disorder dominates your thoughts, but this mostly does not affect your behaviors. You keep on going, keep on challenging yourself, until you reach level 8.

Level 8 - fully recovered

High five! Food does not dominate your thoughts. You dont have food rules. You dont do things to ‘maintain’ your weight, such as exercise or calorie counting. You can go out to eat with your friends. You dont obsess about your weight. You eat regularly. 
Yes, ED may scream during your bad days, but the real you screams louder, always.

Text source: http://letsrecover.tumblr.com/
Photo sources; chibird.com and everyday-cute.tumblr.com/