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At home this weekend. Not so Bliss.
   I dont even feel like trying this weekend. but ii dont know if its, trying ot cheat or trying to do right. im not sure which it is.
   im just tired. every muscle in my body hurts, and  im about to doze off at any point.
This whole travelling back and forth, sure does make me tired, but i wouldnt trade it. Nah ah. cus that would mean HDV or hotel. so i take home.

But what happens, when i get home is, i have to tell myself, be neutral. be neutral. dont get cros or angry at mum or my sister.
  but the second i see them, they smile and are all cheery, and i may have been before, but the second im in the door adn see them. but smile turns to a frown. and i quickly go into another room, avoiding them, im trying to avoid arguements, cus if i talk to them.... something bad adn soemthing ill regret later will come otu of my mouth. but by me not talking, it starts arguements, cus they think im being rude. but ive explained to them.

my mood changes when i get home. i need to be on my own. i cant see you guys, i cant talk to you.


they still dont understand.

Just the mention of food at home makes my stomach lurch. :(
   i get so angry when one of them mentions what we're having for dinner. and suddenly, i definitely dont want to eat and am not one bit hungry.(not that i ever am anymore.)

It shouldnt be like this at home? but its not going to magically get better.
   i wish that things were like when i was in the hotel. sounds weird. but i was so positive. well, not really. i was quite depressed, but i so badly wanted out of the hotel, or whatever reason it was. i ate at home. i ate my snacks, on my own, i could take a cofee and cake and not cheat (or maybe i did?) and i even drank teh scandishake at home....on my own accord.
   of course, i wasnt exactly healthy, i still got cross over food and sometimes didnt want to eat, but if i was left on my own, i would atleast eat the meal.
   i was still standing 24/7 though and didnt use oil or butter in my food.
But it was better than i am now.

I miss that positiveness, or doing right.

Im scared of this weekend. i dont want to eat. not one bit.

its just so hard at home, cus at the same time as i dont want to eat, i do. cus i want to prove that i can do it. that im getting better. i dont want to have to lie to my case manager.
   but im not planning on telling him that i didnt eat either.

Im just going to let what happens, happen.
   but secretly, im hoping i'll get away with not eating and ill try damn hard not to aswell. even though i know its wrong.