Depression - guest post

My depression began a few years ago with a gradual decline of my mood and emotions. I was under a lot of stress at the time and was going through quite an emotional and unstable period of my life, which I am sure contributed to the

cause of it. At the time I was surviving, putting on a brave face over my troubles and trying to carry on as normal. For the most I succeeded, I was busy and energetic and to those who knew me no different, but inside I was slowly losing it.

I began to get very tearful and would cry for hours on end, my sleep was disrupted and I began to isolate myself.i had panic attacks. My appetite disappeared but still I strived to carry on as normal in my day to day life, it was only in the evenings when I was alone that I gave way to my feelings.

This went on for a while until suddenly things went downhill rapidly. Virtually overnight I went from being capable of struggling through the days in the face of others to not being able to cope at all. I lost all spirit of independence and was incapable

of the smallest task. My motivation was zero, my mood was at rock bottom, I wasn't really living, I was existing. I had no emotion apart from to cry - which I did frequently - and could not be left on my own. My partner had to take long term leave from work to look after me. Looking back it was a wonder I wasn't hospitalised at that stage. It really was a dark and awful time.

Two years followed of attendance at various mental health day centres and clinics. I was admitted to psychiatric hospital three times. The doctors struggled to get my medication right and I was prescribed many anti depressants before they found the right combination for me. When they finally did that was my salvation. I truly believe that I would not be here today if it wasn't for medication.

Living and coping with depression is tough. In my early days I had no choices to make, it was all done for me. I went to a certain day centre on a certain day, I took my medication when they gave it to me. At that early stage I was incapable of thinking and functioning for myself. Apart from help and support from medical agencies and my family, what got me through it was routine. I had a timetable of tasks I had to do each day - get out of bed, have breakfast etc and this routine gradually gave me stability as I had a reason to get up each day, if only to tick each check list off the timetable. It is very important whilst suffering from depression that you try to have activities in place, however small. You need to have that motivation forced upon you to do something other than ruminate with your thoughts and distraction is definately key.

I started CBT with my psychiatric nurse and that was very useful, although at the time I didn't understand it. I had to write my thoughts and feelings down then write next to it what I thought the outcome would be. Then my nurse would go through it with me and we would discuss what the real outcome would be, which was never the result I had written - the result of my dark thoughts and worries was totally unrealistic.

Over time my depression stabilised and I began to be able to function again. Through therapy and medication I have got to where I am now, but I can never forget those early dark days. To anyone suffering from low moods, anxiety etc I would say seek help as soon as possible - the earlier it is treated the better. Don`t put on a brave face and try to carry on regardless like  I did because you are doing yourself no favours. There is no shame in admitting you need help.

Remember that even in your darkest days you will get through it, it will pass. Things that can help you are having activity to your day, have something in place to do every day so you have a reason to get up in the mornings - it is so easy to just want to stay in bed or not leave the house otherwise. Go for a walk, go window shopping, meet someone for coffee - anything to get you up and out of the house. If you feel a low mood or episode of anxiety coming on, distract yourself. Bake, listen to music, have a shower, colour, go for a walk - anything that can take your mind off the present situation. I remember phoning my crisis centre in absolute despair and being told to vacumn the house - at first I thought they were crazy, but you know it worked. Any physical activity will distract your thoughts away from your present mood.

Writing out your thoughts and feelings also helps. Don`t worry that it may not make any sense, no one apart from yourself is going to read it. And be kind to yourself. Don`t have unrealistic expectations of yourself, a broken mind (because that's what depression is) takes time to heal. Its ok to rest or nap during the day, or do something that you know you will enjoy. To survive depression I think you definately have to be a little selfish and put yourself first. You have to do the things you know that make you feel better, and if you`re the type of person that always put the needs of others first, as I was, that is a tough lesson to learn. But you have to learn to recognise your own needs and how important they are. Its ok to say no to things.

With help and support it is possible to get through depression, always believe that. Its not easy, its the toughest thing I have ever done. But work with the sources of help and support you have available it becomes easier over time. And never give up no matter how dark your thoughts or how desperate your situation appears to be. There is always help available be it from friends or family or medical help. And in times of crisis there are mental health organisations and helplines.

Never feel that you have to struggle on alone or that your thoughts and low mood isn't important. You are important and how you feel is important, you just have to find the courage to reach out for help.

What is healthy to you - Guest post

One of my friends and readers, Tonje, wrote a very good post about health. Sometimes it is good to hear about other peoples views on health and what they see as healthy, so below is her guest post. Can also be found on her blog HERE

Today it seems like many people thinks health is defined by only eating veggies, a little fruit, chicken, cod and maybe some healthy fats. All other form for carbs, meat and fats are the devil, and if you are really going to enjoy yourself you might eat some extra fruit or buy some sugar free, fat free, guilt free treat. Still you expect to kick ass at your workouts every day, be a good student and/or employee, girlfriend/boyfriend and have a social life. Truth is that you find yourself exhausted and you no longer associate workouts with energy and enjoyment. And the thought of being social is exhausting in itself. You stress so much about being healthy and active that the stress itself makes you unhealthy and sick. You forget that being active require A LOT of food and rest and that working out is supposed to be a tiny part of your life and not life consuming. We are human, not machines. We NEED to be maintained and refilled.  A stressed, depressed, malnourished and overworked body will never look healthy or 'fit' and the soul it carries will never be happy and content. 

You might eat adequate of food to not be underweight, but that doesn't mean you're not malnourished. 

So if you think that the only way to health and happiness is a fat free, sugar free and overly active life style I am sorry to say that your goals will never be reached. And body wise: the more malnourished and stressed you are, the more you will hate how you look. Evil cycle, I know.  

But hey, there's always hope! Once you manage to turn your focus around and realize that no food is dangerous and that over exercising only makes you exhausted and less fit you will also experience the joy in life. Your stress levels will sink, your mood will rise, and you will glow and be happy with yourself. When you learn to listen to your body and the signals it gives you, you will find a balance in life that makes you want to get out of bed every day! I'm not saying it is easy. Trust me, I know how hard it can be. I'm simply saying that with hard work and determination anything is possible. 

You body is not a calculator and you will never know exactly how much energy you need in a day. Your focus should be on getting enough energy and nutrients to fill your bodys needs. Food is fuel, without it you won't get anywhere. 

Now, I feel a little hypocritical writing this, because one of my favorite hobbies is to cook healthy food and snacks. But by healthy I don't mean calorie- and fat free. I mean good food that gives my body something. I eat primarily food with a lot of nutrients to have a healthy and happy mind and to be able to be as active as I want to be. I eat well and I eat a lot. I don't count a single calorie, but I listen to my cravings and fuel up with nutritious food. Sometimes I want a brownie or chocolate, most times I make it from scratch and fill it with awesome ingredients to keep my blood sugar stabile and energy long lasting. Sometimes, though, I go to the store and buy sugar-filled chocolate with a bad nutritional value because my body wants and needs the energy and I make sure to get my vitamins and minerals from other sources. I eat tons of fruit and veggies, I eat bread, rice and pasta and I eat meats and dairy. I eat a little bit of everything and I have no no-nos. I have never been happier, stronger or in better shape. I have found a balance and you can too. 

To me only broccoli isn't healthy. To me only burgers aren't healthy. But combine the two and you have health on a plate.

When all is said: if you ever feel that your relationship towards food or exercise is changing, feels forced or makes you stressed, please seek help! It's hard to admit, but if you deep down inside know something isn't right, take action. And never feel embarrassed. It might not be serious yet, but suddenly you are stuck in a hell you can't get out of and that should be avoided at all costs. Life can be so good if you are brave enough to fight for it! 

YOU have to make the decision

Something which i have often written about and told people when they ask me for recovery advice.... how do you recover?There are lots of different things you have to do and think about, but in the end to fully recover YOU need to want it. Because its YOUR life, its YOUR body. Its YOU who will take the consequences when things go worse or you do something wrong. So you need to want to fight for YOURSELF.  Fight for your own life and health. However sometimes it can be good to hear it from other people, not just one person... so here comes Julias post where she hopes to inspre you all and remind you all that YOU need to make the decision to want to recover. Because its not enough to want to recover for your family, or for a holiday somewhere... that wont keep you going through the toughest times. So find your motivation and find your will to want to fight and recover for YOU.

Check out Julia's blog: Lord still loves me

This post has been in my mind for a long time, but I have put off writing it because I have been afraid that it may come off as too harsh. However, I decided that it is now time to be brutal with you guys. 

Just know that this post is coming from a very deep place in my heart and I mean everything with love.

Now, I realize that probably the majority of people who read my blog are recovering from eating disorders, have recovered, or want to recover. I am grateful to every single one of you who take time out of your day to catch up on what I am up to. I am honored to every single person that emails me asking for advice. To know that some of you out there in the world look up to me is one of the most humbling things, and I am blessed to have strangers out there that think of me so highly. 

I have to be honest though- I am frustrated. I am frustrated that eating disorders have taken over so many beautiful souls. Seriously, some of the emails I receive are so wonderfully articulated, yet I can feel the utter despair in them. I get distraught sometimes reading emails or seeing people’s Instagram posts because they sound hopeless. They look everywhere for the answers and are left stuck.

That was me. I have been there.

I would spend all day scouring the internet reading articles about gaining weight and bloating and calories and everything else related to my eating disorder. I looked to every external source that would help me recover. I became an expert on eating disorders, but you know what? None of that helped.

You know what did help though? Deciding that I had to be the one to make the change.

I could admire others that have recovered or envy those that could eat without a care, but nothing would make a difference unless I decided to make serious changes to my life. The life I was living was not going to give me recovery.

We cannot have it both ways. 

We cannot recover from an eating disorder and maintain our lowest weight.

We cannot excessively exercise and be mentally free.

We cannot skip lunch and expect our eating disorders to vanish.

We cannot starve ourselves and expect our bodies to function normally.

I guess… I am just really tired, and really sad, because as much as I want to help those of you who reach out to me for help, I cannot be the one to make you recover.

I still LOVE receiving emails, so please do not take this in that way. Please, always feel free to email me whenever. I will always do my best to support and encourage anyone out there, but I do not want to feel like I am responsible for motivating anyone to recover. does that make sense? I cannot motivate anyone to recover. And neither can anyone else. 

I cannot give you the answers you are looking for. I SO wish I could, but I cannot. YOU are the only person that can make this better for you.

source.

Sure, people can force you to go to treatment facilities and inpatient programs, but the only way you will make significant progress is if you allow yourself to do. It is probably the most difficult thing you will do in this lifetime, but it is also completely worth it. I promise. I cannot make the decision for you and neither can your family. 

As morbid as this may sound, if you do not allow yourself to want to recover, you never will, and you will forever be stuck in the grips of a debilitating mental illness. I do not say any of this to be mean, but rather to make you aware of the cruel damage you are unearthing onto your body. You and only you are capable of fixing this for yourself.

source.

Again, I am hesitant to even press “publish” on this post because I do not want to come off offensive whatsoever. That is not my intention for this post. I want people out there who are currently struggling to understand that the desire to recover has to be internal. No external source will ever be worth it. Maybe initially, your desire to recover comes from other people. I know mine did! Initially, I was tired of hurting my family, but ultimately, at some point I had to learn how to love myself. Heck- I am still learning how to love myself. However, I know that I would have never progressed this far into my recovery had I not taken the steps to dive under the surface and look inward to my feelings. It is uncomfortable, it will sting, and there will probably be a lot of tears, but it is the only way I can see a way out of it.

People may disagree with me, and that is 100% okay. I just really needed to air out my feelings on the matter. I want to see every one of my readers be recovered. I firmly believe that everyone out there is capable of recovering. I am not a special case. If you truly do work hard, there is a light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

Once again, I love you all, and I am grateful for every blog read, comment, share, and email I receive! I am thankful for the amazing support I receive, and I sincerely hope this post was nothing offensive, but rather, perhaps it was a “wake-up” call.

Sending you all love. 

Helpful tips for recovery

Here are some helpful tips/advice from readers on what has helped/is helping them in recovery!

I want to say that what helped, and is currently helping me, is being with people that I know, even when you don't want to be, as they can make you feel less isolated and alone. These people don't even have to know what you are going through, but sometimes just having someone there makes you feel less alone. But of course, if you feel like you do need time alone, than that is helpful too. I also found that talking a walk in the fresh air helps to motivate you to carry on and brings more positive thoughts to you, as well as give you a new least of life - I always find that it helps to make me feel better. Also, music helps me so much! When I'm down, or feeling 'fat', or like I need to restrict, I put my headphones on and listen to music that I like, and it really does help to inspire and motivate you to carry on. I also found that re-reading childhood books, or listening to them on audio CD (such as Harry Potter, Jacqueline Wilson books) was really helpful as a way of escapism and a reminder that everything will be alright. 



What helps is being with others and keeping busy, (although not to tire yourself) such as voluntary/ charitable work/ activities and hobbies. Being out in the fresh air and focusing your mind on other tasks, takes your mind off food and your body. 

Listening to 'happy' music is also something that helps me and mainly just doing things that make others happy and in turn me happy! 

Having goals/ targets and endeavouring to really stick to them and staying focused is important. If you want to recover...then that is the first step. 


Being around others, even if it's just sitting and talking helps, as even if you feel miserable, anxiety ridden etc, others are there. Also getting some fresh air from a walk helps SO much, even if you don't feel like it. But most importantly, music has helped me xxx

In recovery you have to test things out, like a science experiment, if you don't do the experiment you won't get the results. If it doesn't work the first time, come up with a better strategy and try again until you are happy'