It was all too much. i had already eaten two big meals, how could i fit a third one in? and then there are 3 mre meals afer that? my belly jsut isnt that big.
Turned out lunch was pasta with a tomatoe cream sauce adn chicken.
But there was two small bits of chicken in the sauce. that mean that i had like 35% left.... and i was not going to take that in jsut sauce.
I made a huge deal out of it. in the end having to go to a lab. and then, cus i had moved hte Mando meter, the procent had changed... i was all like, can i weigh up again... and the bitch of a staff was like..no, you cant. dont let the illness take over. that was it. She has no fucking idea what im going through. jsut looking at the food made me want to puke. NO, no and no. i couldnt eat that food.
I stormed to my room, hyperventilating, i coudl hardly breathe, i felt dizzy, but it was about 5 seconds later when a staff came in, and talked to me.
10 minutes later i was sitting in a lab with the staff, i took 20% sauce and got to take an extra 10% in cooked vegetables instead.
still didnt calm my mind.
If your supposed to haev 40% protein, then your supposed to haev it... not 20-30% sauce, cus theres no protein in the sauce/stew thing.
I felt absaloutly awful. and then havign to go to the warm/rest room. i couldnt lie down. i stared down at my belly in disgust. i feel fat jsut being here.
Iwas seconds away frm putting on my shoes, grabbing my bag and jstu going. not home. but no here either.
I burst into tears.... how could this happen? i dont want the food in me. i dont want to sit. i want to get rid of all the fat, all the calories.
I had no way to hurt myself, no way to release hte pain. but i found...scratching, until you bleed does the job well.
I tried calling mum, telling her how i felt, but she just got cross, i know you ahvent followed your meal plan this weekend, all you've done is stood and then you come back and have to do everything right, of course you wont want ot be there.
Screaming, i threw my phone against the wall. watching as it got even more broken. my poor phone. it cant take much more of this, being hurled against the wall each time i get angry, each tiem i get cross at my mum.
i jstu throw my phone, as if its a bug, as if its something that burned my hand.
I was cryin so hard that i coudl hardly breathe, upset adn cross over everything. why am i acting liek this? why didnt i d right this weekend? have i fucked things up for dya patient? cant i jstu eb healthy?
Soon i couldnt breathe, full panic and angst mode. it felt as if soemthing was sitting on my chest. each breathe i took in, ther was a pulling, an ache inside my chest. My head was dizzy, my sight blurry. i jsut ad to sit curled up into a ball on the floor of the rest room.
ive never been like this ebfore.
I was thinking, this morning how i hadnt gotten any angst attacks, like i had at home. after the tinsiest thign i wold get the worst headache, the worst shouting in ym ears, feel all round crap. but i hadnt got that here, yet.
Afterwards, i went to the school. trying to smile, trying to pretend i was a hppy girl who is geting better. when inside... im just getting worse.
Im not proud of today. i shouldnt have these type of fits. im geting better.
I so dont want to be here. i cant be here. i feel awful. i jsut want to cry. someone to tlak to. but my mum is no good. and none of the staff here are any good. im just on my own. no wonder im fucking depressed, self harm and want to kill myself.
what do they bloody think, that i'll sit here and be happy. That they're f**king ruining my body, ruining me so they think ill be happy?
If i wasnt here, where there is nothign to self harm with and no way to OD. then te consequences would haev been much worse.
No comments:
Post a Comment