source: http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/62200045436
I struggled with compulsive exercising when I was anorexic, so I definitely resonate with your struggle and understand how hard it can be to not act on behaviors when you feel guilty for eating and want to crawl out of your skin :[
My advice is to:
1. Remind yourself that eating food is about so much more than just calories.
It’s about giving yourself enough energy to participate in life and do things you feel passionately about. It’s about being able to think and concentrate and be present. It’s about giving your body fuel to move and interact with the world. It’s about making memories with friends and celebrating special occasions with the people you love. It’s about bonding with others and sharing experiences. It’s about traveling and trying new foods and going on adventures. It’s about nourishing your soul and taking care of yourself. And more than anything, it’s about reclaiming your life.
2. Challenge the eating disorder thoughts.
When the "I have to exercise otherwise I’m going to gain X amount of pounds" thoughts start to get loud, don’t just sit with them. Argue back. It may feel silly or useless in the moment, but each time you challenge those thoughts, you’re entertaining the possibility that maybe, just maybe, your eating disorder is wrong. Each time you argue back, you’re taking away some of your eating disorder’s power and reclaiming your own.
Here are some affirmations you could use to challenge the thoughts:
-I know plenty of other people who eat meals without exercising right after and their bodies don’t magically gain a ton of weight. My body is no exception.
-I don’t think less of anyone else for eating without exercising. I deserve to treat myself with the same compassion and kindness.
-My body knows what to do with the food. It’s goal is to help me survive. It has my best interests at heart. You (eating disorder voice) don’t. You’ve robbed me of so much. You’ve isolated me from friends and family. You’ve forced me to miss out on countless opportunities to have fun with friends and engage in life. You’ve made me feel depressed and alone and invisible. Listening to you has brought me nothing but misery and pain. So instead of doing what you want me to do, I’m choosing to trust my body. I’m choosing to trust my therapist and my treatment team. I’m choosing to trust that there is more to life than my eating disorder, and that I’m deserving of discovering it.
-I am allowed to eat this food without exercising. I am allowed to take care of myself and take up space. I am allowed treat myself like a friend. I’m allowed these things because I exist and therefore, I matter. My health matters. My healing matters. And my happiness matters. And I deserve to make those things a priority.
-Eating without exercising doesn’t make me bad. It doesn’t make me shameful or weak or inadequate. It doesn’t have the power to discount my worth, because my value as a person isn’t contingent upon what I eat, how much I work out, or how much I weigh. It’s something inherent. Regardless of my appearance, exercise level, and food choices, I am worthy, deserving, and enough.
3. Utilize coping mechanisms when you get an urge to exercise.
Doing self-care isn’t necessarily going to relieve the anxiety you will feel will you disobey your eating disorder, but it can help distract you long enough until those urges pass. Because they WILL pass. They always, always do. In the moment, it seems like they are going to last forever, but they don’t. Anxiety isn’t permanent. It’s like a wave. It comes in strong, rises, peaks, and then fades. Not immediately, but with time, I promise it will pass.
And when you can sit with that anxiety and not act on the exercise urges, you’ll realize that 1. You CAN sit with the anxious feelings, and 2. You can eat and not exercise and the world won’t end; you won’t instantly go up 5 sizes or become a hideous monster. You will stay the same. It will be uncomfortable and terrifying and painful, but you will survive. And then next time you get an urge to compulsively exercise, you can remind yourself that you were able to sit with the urge until it passed, and that you can sit with it now too.
Some coping mechanisms that have helped me include:
Knitting. Coloring in a coloring book. Drawing or scribbling on paper. Playing with silly puddy or play doe. Journaling. Calling a friend. ripping paper. Cuddling with a pet. Deep breathing and meditating. Listening to calming music. Squeezing a stress ball. Throwing ice cubes. Watching a funny video or movie. Cleaning my room/ car/ house. Crying. Throwing a fit on the floor. Screaming in my car. And doing something that makes me happy and allows me to express myself, like face painting or sketching or writing.
4. Motivate yourself with reasons to recover.
In the moment when you’re fighting the urge, it’s really hard to disobey your eating disorder. To help remind you, I recommend making a list of all the things your eating disorder has robbed you of, and one of all the things you will gain by choosing recovery.
I’m not fully recovered, but I’ve already gained so, so much by choosing to let go of behaviors and compulsive exercising. Yes, I’ve gained weight, but I’ve also gained life. I’ve gained so many friendships, wonderful memories, and fun experiences. All things I was never was able to do when I was in the depths of my eating disorder because I would be forced to compromise my exercise routine, because I wouldn’t have enough time to do behaviors, or because it would mean having to eat food I was afraid of.
I’ve gained so much more free time — time that had previously been dedicated to engaging in behaviors and attempting to lose weight. Time that I can now put towards doing things I’m passionate about, spending time with people I love, relaxing, or doing self-care.
And by letting go of behaviors, I gave myself the opportunity to tackle the actual issues underlying my eating disorder. And in talking about those things, learning healthy ways to cope with the pain they bring up, and challenging the negative thoughts and beliefs I have about myself, I’ve gained peace. I’ve gotten to a place where I genuinely like who I am and trust that I’m deserving of love and kindness.
I’ve gained self-confidence, found my voice, and learned to set boundaries. I’ve gained tools I can use to take care of myself in the moment when I’m hurting and how to effectively get my needs met. And most importantly, I’ve gained the truth that who I am is enough. That I don’t need anyone’s affection or approval to be worthy. And that my value as a person doesn’t rely on my appearance.
The bottom line is that recovery is about so much more than just gaining weight and letting go of behaviors. So each time your eating disorder voice gets loud, remind yourself of all the things you have to gain by choosing to take care of yourself.
5. Be compassionate with yourself.
The fact that you’re struggling to let go of behaviors doesn’t make you weak or inadequate. It’s normal and okay, and a part of the healing process. And more than that, recovery is just really difficult, no matter who you are or what you’re battling. Your behaviors helped you cope with trauma and incredible emotional pain. They allowed you to numb out and they kept you afloat when you felt like you were drowning. Letting go of something that helped you survive for so long is not easy. And it doesn’t happen over the course of a few days or months. It’s terrifying, painful, incredibly challenging, and it takes time. So be compassionate with yourself and your process. You’re doing the best you can to fight this and recover and it’s all you can ask of yourself.
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