Diary entry

My life was unbearable... my days were filled with anxiety and panic. I refused the food at Mando. I refused Mando help, but i was stuck in day patients. I had just overdosed on painkillers and had spent a weekend with an IV attached to my arm. And things just got worse from there.
  I had so much anxiety and pain. And nobody noticed. My mum had given up on me, and nobody at Mando noticed how much i was struggling. They didnt care.
   They had given up on me, they didnt want to see how hard thigns were for me... just becaus ei didnt open up. But on my own i sat crying, marking my arms with even more arms.

And i decided that i couldnt do it anymore, that was when i decided that i would take my life, once and for all. My first chance out of HDV and i would kill myself.
  

8/3/2011 - Mando inpatients.


Am i really such a good actress that the staff dont see through my facade?
   They dont see how much pain, how much anger, hurt, anxiety i carry around.
Am i to face it on my own? Everyone else gets help, they notice when someone else is sad, when someone else cries or has anxiety. They dont notice me.
  No one wants to help me. No one wants to face the fact that i am not strong. That i break. That i have anxiety.
  Theyre perfectly happy with just sitting there and watching me struggle, not even asking if im ok.
Not even when the tears are falling.
I dont want to do this.
Im ready to kill myself, where is the knife. The painkillers? I need them. I need to end this, i have money now.
 Next chance im going to buy a pack of 30+ extra strong painkillers.
 That should do the trick... Just end it. Not be weak.
  This time i wont tell anyone.
Next time i'll die.