i absaloutly hate when the staff sit right there behind you or beside you an like stare at the computer screen. it drives me crazy.
i mean... give me a bit of privacy.
the computer is my space. i can do what i want.
like i dont want any staff to see me blog. and i dont want them to see what im writing, or when im watching a movie and i can jsut feel they're stare on the screen behind me... it drives me BONKERS. and i have to rant. i have to get it out of my system.
Today, i actually got told off because i was making the new picture (up top.) and one of the staff saw and she wa slike... you shouldnt be looking at those pictures (the one in the left corner) you should jsut throw them away, it wont do you any good to look at them. and shes right. they most probably dont.
but i do anyway. i have a whole folder of me. at different stages in my recovery. and i look at them. and i suppose, i can see the difference from how i looked in summer (42kg... just moved to sweden.) just became a day patiant (round 44-45kg.. i think) and then before christmas (47kg?) and then when i was admitted again (round 42-43kg.) (In all honesty.. its not the weight i care about. if i had the body i had in summer but weighed 50kg.. then i wouldnt care. i mean, its not like m weight is stampled on my head. its my body they see... not my weight. so wha i care about is the outside. how others view me.) i mean in the end - weight is only a number?
sometimes i miss the body i had before. but sometiimes i can look at it and be like Damn, i really was too thin. like i do look sick.
i find that in photos, i can view myself properly. when i look in the mirror. i think i look healthy, fine. but when i take a photo of myself and view it. i see white, blanched, horrible skin. with dark circles under my eyes. i jsut dont look healthy, but i dont see that in the mirror.
so with photos, i view myself how i really am.
also, the photos of me... when i take of my body, thats so when im better and can see myself properly. i'll look at the photos, and realise that this isnt something to turn back to.
maybe i'll realise how thin i actually was, cus i dont realise it now.
Its an experiment... research ??? - no, not a very good excuse.
but i mean.... im allowed to do what i want with my computer and take whatever pictures i want with my camera. no one at Mando can stop me (ohhh... im sure they can.)
Well i completly went off track there!! - from complaining about staff watching the computer screen (had ot get away) to me looking and taking photos of myself in diff. parts of my progress.
Also.... i spoke to mum today. she doesnt think its a goo idea for me to coem home again, not until im better... but trust me... thats a LONG way off. i dont see myself coming home and doing right for a LOOOONNNGG time. but im no gonna tell her that. or anyone for that fact.
but really, they're jsut making em gain wieght, not making me better.
theres a BIG difference.
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