Yesterday night

Last night was awful!!
  
I had such bad cramps, that i came to the point that we didnt think it was period cramps anymore but that it might be something serious. As it was in the top left of my stomach, which is where the pancreas is.
  And because i have CF, my pancreas doesnt work properly.
So my mum had to call the hospital, while i lay in bed shaking, freezing and felt like i was dying... actually wishing to die... that was how bad it was.
   The doctors basically said to wait and see... Hmmm?
I just lay in bed, wishing and waiting for the cramps to go... i could barely move. Some point during the night/morning i fell asleep, but woke all the time due to cramps....
   This morning i havent been able to eat anything and my whole body hurts....
 
The cramps arent as bad... or they came back whenever i drink or eat or bend over.... :/
   Ill see what happens today... whether we have to go to the hospital or not...
 
But even though i felt like i was dying yesterday, came to the point where i could barely breathe... i didnt say anything, i lay silent in my room because im so scared of going to the hospital. I refuse to be admitted... i have so many bad memories, from the time i OD and had to be acutly admitted. To the time when my stomach got all bloaked up and had to spend almost a week in hospital, not allowed to eat anything, and this was during my summer (few years ago). To all the times ive been admitted due to my CF with IV's and when ive been at Mando and the times ive Tube feeding...Memories.. which burn. Which i never want to relive again. Just the thoughts, the memories make me stand out with whatever pain im in, just to avoid going to the hospital...
  Of course, i might have to face up to my fear and have to go there today.. but i jsut dont want to be admitted and have to stay there  a few days... :/

Uggh... i had been looking forward to my break... I was gonna go to school and dress up for halloween, take photos....
   Ive been looking forward to be able to just relax and do nothing... but now im just in pain and feeling restless... :/