Memories

Going back to Mando... it always brings back memories. Thats what i hate most.
  When i go back i always end up questioning myself...  Doubting myself.
  I hate walking through the halls, it feels like everyones eyes are on me... 'what are they thinking?' But really i dont care.
 Im confident in myself and my body, so really people can think whatever they want. Whether they think im fat or thin, ugly or pretty... it doesnt really matter to me. Aslong as im happy with myself
When i see all the inpatients, and the staff who work at the inpatients ward... they all smile at me, happy to see me. I cant say i feel the same thing.
  Of course, it does feel good to smile, and tell them that everything is going good in school... They never believed in me. And that isnt just a silly thing ive conjured up in my head. Countless number of inpatient staff kept saying things like 'if you dont try now. You'll never be healthy' 'You should be healthy by now' 'If you dont eat this, youll be sick and at Mando forever'.... I was never doing right and always ended up back as an inpatient. The staff and myself, even my family had pretty much given up on me....
  But now im showing them that... i have recovered. I am healthy.... its like how they say 'Success is the best revenge!' (It really is!)

Sometimes i forget that i spent almost a year ( c.a a year in total ) as an inpatient. How many nights i sat there, all alone as i had no one to visit me. All the arguments with staff. All the tears and anxiety.... I remember it so well... but at the same time, its a blurry, fading memory. But just seeing the ward.... being there brings everything back. And it almost feels like im choking from memories..... Just kinda want to sit down and shut it all off. Not have to remember.
   It doesnt feel like it was me.... me who didnt want to eat? Who cheated with her meal plan. Who walked back and forth down the halls, just to get some exercise. All the endless days and nights, that turned into one everlasting nightmare....
    Ive been through that.... but it doesnt feel like me. But i guess, it wasnt me. I wasnt in my right mind....
  I cant wait until i never have to return to that building ever again. Never set foot in there... and just let my memories fade... let the healing begin.
  
One thing which is good though is that, when i go back there, i realise... never again. Never ever will i let some silly thought like 'losing weight' make me stop eating. I mean when im stressed i can have thoughts were... 'i just want to lose weight... want to be sick' But im smart enough to never act on those thoughts. And i am so thankful that i fouught my way to where i am today. To be healthy.
  Never again do i want to be so skinny, to have to sit at Mando 24/7 for months on end.... never again have to eat a meal there. To have my life in someone elses hand, where absaloutly no control is given to me. Where i just have to listen and obey.
   Seeing all the patients and staff, makes me thankful for where i am now. That i am healthy.
  And never do i regret the choice to become healthy. Sure, i have days where i might get 'silly' thoughts... but i am strong enough to know that they pass. I can still get anxiety, but it isnt about food. It is due to stress or lack of sleep.
   Recovery is something you wont regret... not if you're truely healthy. You might be half healthy... but you just want to lose weight? yo uwant to be skinny again... that isnt healthy.

I talked with my case manager, filled in papers... did alot of talking and i also ate lunch at Mando. I got chicken curry with bulgur which was actually nice... apart from the fact that it was quite spicy!! -_- Tears almost started falling!! Hahah... i cant eat spicy.. not even the slightest bit.
   My case manager said that she found it quite spicy as well. And the strangest thing was... she said that if i couldnt eat it, because it was too spicy. I didnt have to! .... Er... WTF? haha. (Basically. i just need to eeat normally.... like take more, or leave on the plate if im full... just eat as usual. And she was like... if you were eating spicy at school and couldnt finish it because it was too spicy... then you'd leave it... I mean, im not being tested to see if i can eat lunch or not... ) It was nice though, so i decided to finish it anway, adding more bulgur to minimize the spice!
My case manager told me that everything looked good. I had eaten well, my weight was fine all the papers i had filled in looked good. So then after a few hours, i was free to go. Not looking back!! haha
 I still have a few more times to go back in the next 4 years.... but thats ok. Its not so often.
  Ive actually been asked if i would like to speak to some patients (in a few months time) Isaid Yes of course, as while i was sick i found it very inspiring to listen to someone who was recovered!! And i just want to help. And i dont mind sharing my story.
  
I had planned to meet D after Mando, but my mood just took a complete dip.... and i almost fell asleep on the tube.... and my thoughts were all over the place. I didnt feel like being social... So instead cancelled the plans.
  Of course... im feeling really bad now. :/ Ughhh....
But i guess its not easy to go back to Mando and be bombarded with memories...:(

^^Few pictures from my time at Mando