Diary Entry

1/March/2011

I remember the day i danced for about 2 hours at home, i had no energy. I felt tired, i was about to faint, but i pushed myself. Telling myself that i 'had to'. The voice in my head screamed that i was fat, ugly, unloved, worthless. After that i went on our  exercise bije for a half an hour and then ran up and down the stairs for a half an hour or so.
   That was how my days were. I had no energy to go to school, but i did have energy to exercise all day.
  My whole body was tired, there were the times that blacked out in the bathroom. And would lie on the floor, waiting for my vision to come back.
   I could spend hours looking in the mirror, critisizing everything about myself. All i saw was fat and horrible.
My body was covered in scars  which burned, but i told myself i had to have pain. I had to feel pain. I was worth the pain. I wasnt allowed food on enjoyment. I felt cold and dizzy and in pain.

Why do i remember those memories? It was because those were the days i was sickest, when anorexia had complete contol of me.... i didnt know i was sick. I didnt know what i was doing, that i would still be in the same pain. In the same battle 1 year later.
  Its been more then a year and a half and im still the same.... i still self harm. I exercise whenever i can. Soon ive gone a year in treatment, but been dealing with all my behaviours and thoughts for 2 years before treeatment...
  i thought id be healthy... .its almost been a year in treatment now... and im not any better. Im just worse ? What is happening?

Maybe ill never be healthy. Im a helpless case. I dont want help. Its too hard... the anxiety and pain....
  but im so tired. I dont know what to do. I dont want to eat.... but at the same time i dont want to be sick.
 Im tired of everything. Im tired of hurting myself just to make myself feel better, im tired of having to exercise to get rid of anxiety. Im tired of not letting myself be happy, not letting myself enjoy small moments of happiness.
  Im tired of punishing myself. Of not letting myself live life. But im too sscared....
 ill never be healthy. I dont think i can be helped. I dont deserve to be helped.


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Has anyone ever had those thoughts? I cant be helped? Its been more then a year... why havent i changed? Why amnt i better? I dont deserve to be helped.
   Thats just ED telling you you cant be helped.
But you have to do the work yourself...y ou can be in a treatment centre for a few years, change clinics... but until you're willing to fight... then you can't get better. You ll just go back and forth.

I didnt htink i was worth help... i didnt think id ever be healthy... look at me now. A year and a half later since i wrote that.... i am healthy. I dont self harm. I eat whatever i want, and dont have a problem eating. I dont use exercise as compensation. I dont bring myself down.
   There is no voice in my head telling me what i should and shouldnt do. Controlling my life...

It is possible to recover. It takes time.... I had to hit complete rock bottom, before i had the strength to fight... To take myself from the bottom to the top.
   I had to realise that being sick wasnt worth it, before i gave up Ana and everything 'sick'.
   Dont ever doubt recovery, or think you're not worth it, or cant be helped. Because you can be helped.
  But remember, sometimes its not the first treatment cnetre, not even the second that can help you. But at the same time, remember that the 'fight' has to come from you. No one else can fight for you. People can support you, but they can not fight for you.
 
Keep strong and never give up hope. Even if it takes time or feels hopeless, it isnt. You are worth recovery .To be healthy and live a life again!!!