Ed recovery problems

When your body uses all of its energy to repair your organs that it doesn’t have enough to keep you awake

When you get better at handling/avoiding triggers

When you first try to survive a meal without knowing its calories

Reuniting with a fear food that you used to love pre-ED

When you approach your ED/recovery with a sense of humor but people around you aren’t sure whether they’re allowed to laugh

When your ED defies all logic to lie to you

Trying to balance schoolwork even though you’re so focused on your recovery

Sitting around, being bored, and doing absolutely nothing (as scheduled) in the treatment center

Feeling happy in my body and how i am gaining weight on a vegan diet

Yesterday was one of the first days in a while were i felt good in myself and happy when i looked in the mirror. Recently when i've looked in the mirror i have just felt "not myself and too small", and i haven't liked it. And it hasnt helped that my family have kept commenting and then my readers commenting about my weight as well. When all i want to do is scream "it is not intentional" and "yes i am eating enough" and "yes i am barely working out at all at the moment - my exercise comes from my job and walks here and there". Yesterday however i felt good, i have gained a few kilo now and feel my energy coming back into my body and i also felt HAPPY yesterday. It felt strange but i felt happy, of course whenever i feel that way there are always small thoughts that tell me "enjoy it while it lasts" or "well, you were just faking being depressed then".... I decided to embrace those happy feelings and thoughts and feel good within myself and just positive in general.
  Of course it didnt help when i logged onto my blog in the evening and see all the comments telling me i look "too thin" etc etc A little negative way to end my work shift, hahah... but i guess thats to be expected in a way when you have an online blog. But i am here to write that YES i have gained back some of the weight i lost, and am only a few kilo away from my normal weight and in a few weeks time hopefully i will have reached that goal again. As mentioned, i feel stronger, more energetic, more myself and feel better in my body with the weight gain. Weightloss is NOTHING for me, and not that has been intentional - whether you choose to believe that or not doesnt really matter to me.

I do not track how i eat or my calories, maybe i should but i dont feel like it. I already have so many numbers in my head with all the codes at the store so i dont really feel like tracking what i eat and even less like downloading a calorie app... that is a waste of time, battery space and nothing i want to do again. Instead i am focusing on eating intuitive but eating extra each time as well. Because intuitive eating = maintaining weight. But then if i add extra oil and butter and some oatmilk with my meals then i have a natural increase in calories without feeling super full or having to eat 2 extra sandwiches.

What i eat and when i eat varies each day due to work i.e somedays i eat lunch at 11 other days at 2pm. Somedays i eat dinner at 7pm and other days at 10.30pm, so i have no structure i follow but the most important thing is to just eat.


So this is what i am doing to gain weight.


Breakfast - usually 2dl (80g) oats with a handful of nuts and dried fruit, banana, oatmilk and tea/coffee with lots of oatmilk. Also start my day with a shot of spirulina!

Snack usually at work : 2-4 crisp bread or 2 pieces of bread with vegan spread & banana and a soy protein shake.

Lunch: Varies alot but usually potatoes and carrots that have been baked in the oven with lots of oil and salt, some form of soya product, soya yoghurt or oat sauce, lots of nuts & 2 bananas & coffee with oat milk.

Snack (if at work): 2-3 slices of bread with vegan spread and 80-100g nuts/dried fruit
Snack (if at home): Can vary alot: Oatmeal, fruit salad, banana ice cream, yoghurt with granola, home made scones/bread, waffles, pancakes etc etc

Dinner: (eaten at home anywhere between 7-10.30pm): Similar to lunch just bigger portions i.e more potatoes, more sauce, more vegetables and extra oil on my food. Also always chocolate after dinner or after work on my way home!!!

Night snack: Eaten after dinner: Oatmeal mixed with soy protein powder, banana, lots of nuts and raisins, oatmilk and chia seeds/chia pudding on top. Or i will eat granola/cereal with oatmilk and banana, or somedays i just eat double portion of dinner and that fills me up.



Of course everyday is different and this is just a rough "outline", i.e somedays i eat more than this somedays less. But what i try to consciously do is add more healthy fats to my diet, drink more oatmilk (i.e i can go through 500-1000ml of oatmilk in a day just from in my oatmeal and tea/coffee). And my favourite carb source is bread and potatoes so i eat alot of that!

And when i am home i of course add things like avocado, sweet corn, different sauces, hummus etc to meals but at work i have to just pack into my lunch box. 

 I would also recommend making things like home made flapjacks or bars or snack muffins etc as snacks, but as i dont even have time to bake i can't do that. So rely on simple sandwiches, fruit and nuts as my snacks. And when i say i use spread it is not just a thin layer, it is a whole lot i.e most probably just "one portion" for one piece of bread or crisp bread.


For me this works and i have gained weight and i feel full and energetic from how i eat as well as loving what i eat. Though of course i wish i had time to be more creative and eat more varied but as i love what i eat and this is the food i buy/have at home as well as working all day then there isnt time for so much variation.

So.. i hope this helps anyone, maybe.

(Also i add nutritional yeast to my lunches/dinners to get B vitamin and take other supplements to help me get all my vitamins and minerals.)

And of course, i eat pasta, rice, pizza etc when i crave it. But if i dont crave it i dont see the point of eating it just because... for me food is about enjoying what i eat. I dont want food to be "i have to eat this or have to eat", it should be about enjoying what i eat and that is what i do. But then at times like now, making a conscious effort to eat a little more/more calorie dense food.


And now we can just stop commenting about my weight - i have got it under control.

17 days of work in a row and new running shoes

Hello!

Day 7 out of 17 working days, and in all honesty... i just want to lie in my bed and sleep for a while. Today i dont want to work... at all. But at the same time i do want to work because it gives me something to do and i do enjoy it, but i do want some time to just be at home as well... but that will have to wait until 10 more days. My lack of ability to say no has lead to 17 work days in a row. Though my work shifts are only 6-8 hours long so they are managable but in a sense my whole day goes towards work because 1) i get up and get ready 2) go for a walk or workout or just stay at home until it is work time, 3) work my hours, 4) im so exhausted i just come home to eat and then sleep before a new day. So there is nothing exciting to write about my days or anythinge exciting i am doing... its just work.

Aside from work i am apartment hunting as much as i can... but nothing great has come from it yet. So the anxiety and fear is building up as each day passes... worried that my autumn wont turn out as planned and that i will end up not being able to study and ill end up in Stockholm with no school, no work and an ended relationship. That is not how i want my autumn to be and it scares me so much that if i dont find living in Gothenburg, then that is exactly how my autumn will be. THough of course there might still be work for me if i stay in Stockholm, but all i want to do is to begin studying and get back into that routine again. 

Otherwise... i got my first paycheck and it feels amazing... Even if most of it is being saved to the autumn i knew i needed to treat myself to something, and i was caught between 1) getting my haircut, 2) getting a massage or 3) getting new running shoes.

And after some thinking the choice was obvious. I do alot of walking and standing at my job and i dont have the right shoes so at the moment i have SO MUCH knee, hip and back pain. It is ridiculous really, i have had to walk around with compression sleeves on my knees and taking a whole bunch of anti inflammatory pain killers for my hips. This of course makes exercise impossible even if i wanted to. 

So now finally i have gotten the time to go buy new shoes and also insoles so that now my feet will have the support they need and hopefully the pain will pass. But also i have a 10 km run/rcae in 2 weeks time and i didnt think i would run it because i havent been running recently but i have decided i want to run it. Even if i wont run it in 40 minutes like i had applied for, i will do my best and have a good time and run with my step dad, and it will be my 3rd year in a row running it. So now with new shoes i am so excited to run!

But i just wanted to write that it is SO IMPORTANT with the right shoes and support for your feet. Whether it is your work shoes or exercise shoes, please invest in good ones!! Especially if you are a runner or do alot of walking or standing... knee, hip and back pain can all stem from the wrong shoes. So save up - that is what i have done now, and it is worth it to have the right shoes!

For now it is back to work and i am longing to get home again, hahaha!

I hope you all have a lovely Saturday and a lovely weekend :)

Diet facts and nutritional advice - knowing what is relevant for YOU

At times when i have nothing better to watch on my computer i can begin watching weightloss shows for example "supersize vs superskinny" or "secret eaters" etc I cant say why i watch them but at random times i do. None of the information given in the shows is new or shocking for me neither are the statistics, but also none of the information given in the show is relevant for me. I can understand if someone who has absaloutly no information about nutrition and calories and needs to lose weight, then shows like that can be eye openers for them and helpful. For me i just watch them "because" and not so much to teach me anything.

But what i began thinking about yesterday evening after watching an episode was about the advice given on the show. And granted, some of the advice made me want to drag my hair out in frustration because that advice is so outdated or can even be harmful if taken to extremes, but in general the advice was beneficial advice to the people recieving the advice. And that is the important thing to remember about these shows... the advice is aimed at people who need to lose weight and are very overweight. For most people who are healthy and have a healthy weight or people who are underweight then the weightloss advice is not aimed or recommended for them. This is something i never considered in the past. While i was sick i watched ALOT of these shows - almost an obsession, now it is merely because there is nothing better to watch at times. But in the past i would take all the advice given on the show and want to follow them obsessively. Advice such as "as little fat as possible", "cut out carbs", "no food after 8pm", "eat 3 big meals and only snack on fruits" etc was advice i thought I had to follow, but to more of an extreme. I didnt think about what who the advice was aimed at...  The advice given to people who are obese and need to lose weight is NOT THE SAME ADVICE given to a person who needs to gain weight, or just a healthy person who maintains their weight. And the nutrition advice given to someone who is obese is eveb less relevant to a person who has cystic fibrosis and is very active... this of course i never thought about in the past.

So i just wanted to remind you all that there will always be fad diets and new nutrition advice and information and shows and magazines that post nutrition advice. Or even friends talking about new diets or what is the new "best thing to eat", but you have to think about what is relevant for you?

Of course there are certain general health rules which its good for everyone to follow, but remember if you need to gain weight then you DONT and SHOULDNT follow weightloss tips. That is just the opposite of helpful and going against your goals.

I have gotten many emails over the years about people who are in treatment and need to gain weight but then friends or family members are trying or need to lose weight and there becomes a clash, because the person with the eating disorder gets triggered by the fact that someone close to them is eating less and trying to lose weight. But it is important to focus on your own goals and what is best for you. Forget what others are doing and just do what is best for you.

Be critical. Be smart. Know what is relevant for YOU. For example people who have diabetes are given different nutrition advice from people who dont have diabetes, or people who are elite within a sport have different nutrition advice compared to people  who do no exercise. Just like my nutrition is based on MY lifestyle and the fact that i have cystic fibrosis, so my intake and nutrition needs ARENT the same as yours will be. Just like a person who needs to gain weight wont have the same nutrition needs or advice compared to someone who needs to maintain or lose weight.

So just because a tv show says "eat 3 meals and 1 snack" to a person who is obese doesnt mean that you need to follow that advice.

I hope this is a little reminder to some of you and to remember what is best for YOU. And that can ALWAYS be your reasoning for example if someone asks why you eat so much or so often, then all you need to answer is "this is what my body needs and feels best from"!

OSFED (eating disorder not otherwise specified) information

I found some information about OSFED : "Once termed Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS), OSFED encompasses five subtypes: atypical anorexia (in which a person has features of anorexia without low weight), bulimia nervosa (bulimic episodes that do not happen often and/or last long), binge eating disorder (binge episodes that do not happen often and or/last long), purging disorder (purging at least once a week, without binging), and night eating syndrome (consuming a large number of calories after dinner, or waking in the middle of the night to eat)." (Clare Millikin for Greatist)

http://greatist.com/grow/other-specified-feeding-eating-disorder-OSFED

I foound this information online and thought i would share it. Because the truth is there is both disordered eating and an eating disorder and there is a fine line between them. However to be diagnosed with an actual eating disorder there are certain criterias a person needs to fill. I.e some people might binge but maybe not X times a week and for X months a row so might not fill the criteria to be diagnosed with binge eating or bulimia, or maybe a person starves and restricts but does not have an underweight and so is not diagnosed with anorexia. However there is EDNOS, or now called OSFED which has different subtypes. So even if you might not fill the criteria for an eating disorder, or maybe you have symptoms from all eating disorders, that doesnt mean that you dont struggle with disordered thoughts and behaviours. It can be good to read about this if you feel like "i am not sick enough or i dont fit all the criteria " but you know that your behaviours aren't normal either.

1.  What is OSFED?

OSFED is an acronym for “other specified feeding or eating disorder.”  The disorder was previously known as “EDNOS,” or “eating disorder not otherwise specified” in the DSM-4.  However, with the release of the DSM-5 in May 2013, EDNOS became OSFED.  Put simply, OSFED is an eating disorder, but I bet you already knew that.

2.  Yeah, but what exactly is OSFED?

OSFED is an eating disorder that causes severe psychological distress, decreased quality of life, and functional impairment within a patient and presents in such a way that he or she does not meet the specific criteria for anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder.  You may be thinking, “Well, OSFED could be anything!”  And you would be right.  However, the OSFED diagnosis has five sub-types that outline specific behavioral patterns:

Atypical anorexia nervosa  (OSFED-AAN):  Patient experiences restrictive behaviors such as limiting overall caloric intake and / or fasting but is not at a clinically low body weight;

Atypical bulimia nervosa (OSFED-BN):  Patient experiences binge eating and purging behaviors, such as self-induced vomiting, laxative / diuretic abuse, and over-exercise with less frequency (less than one binge-purge episode per week) or duration (less than three months), as outlined within the bulimia nervosa criteria;

Binge eating disorder (OSFED-BED):  Patient experiences binge eating behaviors without restrictive compensatory behaviors, including purging, with less frequency (less than one episode of binge eating per week) or duration (less than three months), as outlined within the binge eating disorder criteria;

Purging disorder:  Patient experiences purging behaviors, including self-induced vomiting and laxative abuse, in the absence of binge eating.  For more information about purging disorder, read “Purging Disorder” on the Mirror, Mirror website;

Night eating syndrome (NES):  Patient possibly experiences restrictive behaviors during the day but eats at least 25% of his or her calories after the evening meal or throughout the night, at least twice per week.  This disorder is characterized by urges to eat at night and the belief that eating will help one sleep.  For more information on night eating syndrome, read “Night Eating Syndrome” on the Mirror, Mirror website.

If a patient does not fit into any of the above five categories, he or she may be given a diagnosis of “UFED,” or “unspecified feeding or eating disorder.”

3.  So, OSFED is like being “almost bulimic” or “almost anorexic”?

Resoundingly, no!  Such an interpretation implies that an individual with OSFED will eventually become diagnosed with anorexia or bulimia if he or she continues to engage in eating disordered behaviors or experiences a worsening in behaviors.  OSFED is a valid eating disorder and should not be compared competitively to anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder.  OSFED is OSFED.

4.  Wait, aren’t all eating disorder patients diagnosed with OSFED during the recovery process when behaviors are decreased and / or weight is increased?

No.  As stated previously, OSFED is OSFED.  When a patient recovering from anorexia nervosa begins the weight restoration process and reduces restrictive behaviors, he or she is deemed to be in “partial remission.”  Similarly, when a patient is recovering from bulimia nervosa and reduces the frequency of binge / purge episodes, he or she is said to be in “partial remission,” as well.  However, if a patient sees a new doctor during his or her recovery process without a previous diagnosis, that individual may be given an OSFED diagnosis, as diagnoses must be made in regard to current presentations.

5.  Yeah, but how serious is OSFED?

Really fucking serious.  Currently, OSFED has a mortality rate of 5.2%, which is the highest mortality rate of any eating disorder.  I have my own hypothesis that the eating disorder is so dangerous because a great number of sufferers simply do not know about OSFED or are too ashamed of being deemed “not sick enough” to ask for help.  I am hoping that this blog will make a difference in how comfortable individuals with OSFED feel when talking about this illness.

Source for text: http://real-talk-recovery.tumblr.com/post/119067803952/faqs-about-osfed 

Sources / Further Reading:

“Goodbye EDNOS, Hello OSFED” - Jenni Schaefer

“OSFED” - Mirror, Mirror

“Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders” - ANAD

“Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders” - NEDA

“OSFED:  The Most Common Eating Disorder You’ve Never Heard Of” - Clare Millikin for Greatist

“What is OSFED?”  - NEDC

Having a healthy and functioning body

Yesterday was a day where i felt extra happy and proud to have a healthy and functioning body. A body that works, a body that is strong, a body that can move and lift and carry and live life. Now a days there is so much focus on appearance, looking a certain way but forgetting the most important thing - health and happiness. A person can workout 6 days a week but still not have a healthy or functioning body - either because all they are focused on is huge muscles but ask them to run 1km and they can't do that, or because someone works out far too much for their body and so they wear themselves out and just become weaker and more tired compared to healthier and stronger.

Appearance means very little, but society tells us that is all we should care about. Media is constantly telling us about new diets which have little calories and lack all the food groups or macronutrients necessary. Media tells us about the new "perfect body" or new "trend" which people then want to follow manically and to achieve somehow. People jumping onto restrictive diets and over exercising or eating the wrong foods or tearing themselves apart mentally just to look a certain way and all the while they are losing their health and maybe even their happiness.



While working at a store you see alot of people everyday. And yesterday i saw people who were both morbidly obese and extremely thin (for whatever reason that may be). I dont judge people and i dont judge people based on their looks either and i am just doing my job and dont focus on what people buy either so i dont think about that. However what i did notice yesterday was how the people who had extreme weight problems (whether over or underweight), how slowly they moved, how everything took longer time for them and the mental clarity wasnt quite there and not to mention that the action of lifting the food onto the band and then packing the items into their bags and then actually lifting the bags away - it was a huge process. And trying to carry the bags away - figuring out what was the best strategy to leave the shop with all their items at once, but lacking the strength to try to carry the bags. It made me realize just how important health is.... of course i can't judge just based on appearance, but at times it is not hard to see from how a person "behaves/moves" that they arent healthy.

And it just made me so proud over my own body. For many people they can't do basic things like go food shopping and then get all the food home on their own - instead they need to buy minimal and everyday because otherwise they can't carry it home (which of course is understandable if you live far away or just prefer to shop minimal and everyday etc). Some people can't go for walks, walk up hills or take stairs without feeling dizzy or too tired. Some people can't even work because they dont have a healthy body enough for it.

If you can't do basic things in your life or to live life then what is the point? (Or i mean, life is always worth living!) But what i mean is that so many people get caught up in wanting to look a certain way and on the way they lose their health as they eat too little or workout too much. And then on the other end of the spectre people who eat too much and dont exercise at all.

For me personally, being able to live life and do things in life and have a body that is healthy enough for that (Also taking into consideration my Cystic fibrosis. So of course there are days i might not be as healthy or functioning but in the whole i am very physically healthy).

In my life i have been underweight with no energy and a not so functioning body, i have had periods in my life i have worked out so much and had no energy for anything else, i had a period of low body fat and visible abs which did not make me healthier or happier.

So what can i say? Well visible abs and low body fat percent or hours spent exercising but no energy to actually live life... not worth it. The important thing is a body that works and you feel that you can live the life you want.

You need to take care of your body, treat it right and do what is best for your health and happiness. Stop putting your health at risk or neglecting your health to look a certain way, or just neglecting your health in general. Focus on having a healthy body that can do what it needs to do!

At times that might mean resting and eating more, other times it might mean going for a jog or going to the gym 2 times a week, other times it might mean hiking up mountains and taking walks in fresh air, other times it might mean green smoothies and fruit bowls and other times chips and fries. Your body is not a machine or a robot, it WILL give up eventually if you treat it wrong or you will end up will illnesses or injuries and that is not fun. Take it from someone who knows first hand - long lasting injuries due to treating my body wrong and it affects me in my daily life now. But i do the best i can to still have a healthy body despite all those things!

A very long post, but i am just thankful for my body and for what it can do. And in all honesty, i care very little about appearance because it is so irrelevant in the bigger picture. What is important for me is that i can live a life i want - which includes exercise - and to have the energy and ability to do that!!!

"Bikini ready"

"Bikini Ready"

"Our culture is fascinated with the concept of being “Bikini Ready” or “Swimsuit Ready” during the summer. Make no mistake - This is weight loss propaganda against women. The idea is that women should only bare their bodies if they are able to attain a certain shape. Otherwise, they should be too ashamed of what they look like and should thus spend the summer hidden away. But that “certain shape” is always changing and will look different for each woman. The only constant is: It requires you to be thinner and prettier than you are right now. 

Challenge this thought process by challenging what it means to be “Bikini Ready.” Instead of changing your body, change your mind:

1. Tackle the reasons why you don’t feel comfortable wearing a bikini right now. Saying “I’m too fat” isn’t identifying the real problem. If you’re blaming your body, then keep thinking. Dig a little further until you recognize the deeper issue, such as “I’m afraid of how people will treat me” or maybe “I don’t feel like I deserve it” or even “I’ve been told so often that only certain girls can wear bikinis, I’ve never really questioned it.“ 
2. Recognize that changing your body is not going to change your self-image unless you actually begin to attack the feelings that are causing this problem. Your weight or appearance is just a scapegoat - Really, fully accepting this can take time, but plant the seed.
3. Go out and buy yourself that bikini. Dig through your closet to find the one that you bought last year. Put it on and just look at yourself in the mirror. You’re you in this bikini and you’ll still be you when you take it off. And let’s face it: You’re awesome. 
4. If you’re not comfortable showing that much skin right now? That’s fine! Switch up the plan and put on a pretty dress instead, or a new shirt. You don’t have to bare your skin in order to love what you look like and to feel safe. What matters is that you’re happy, not that you’re wearing a specific article of clothing. Don’t feel pressured into putting on a bikini if you don’t really want to. 

Reject the idea that your body is what needs to be prepped before you’re ready to put on a bikini. Instead, tackle your mind, your self-image and all the messages that the media is sending you.  "

Source: http://the-exercist.tumblr.com/post/94909954227/bikini-ready

Wanting recovery for yourself

"When a person is determined to help themselves. There is nothing that can stop them." - Nelson Mandela


I read this quote today (i hope it is the right source?) and i thought, "that is very true". Because first off... if a person doesnt want help - doesnt matter what type of help - then they wont get better. If a person doesnt want to get better themselves and help themselves, then it doesnt matter how much support is offered to them or how much people try to help or make them do things, in the end it wont make much difference because the person doesnt want to get better themselves.

But when a person does want to get better, then all that extra help will make such a difference because they can accept it and want it. They can use the support in the best way possible to make the best choices for themselves and their recovery.

I didnt fully recover from an eating disorder until i wanted and decided to. Treatment was there to support me and to keep me alive, but until i began to utilize their help and accept it because i knew i needed it, then i began to get better. But all the hard mental work was done by myself.

Mindset is everything. Like the quote "either you can or you can't, either way you are right" - basically if you think you can't, well then you can't. But if you think you can, then you can.  You have to believe you can recover and you have to want it. Even if it feels far off or maybe a little impossible, you still have to believe that you can... because if you give up hope and start thinking things will never get better or you will always have certain thoughts or life will always be this way... well then you begin to settle and think it is impossible and stop fighting. But if you always decide to keep improving and keep believing and making changes then it is possible.

Want recovery for yourself. Think of all the reasons to recover - whether it be from an eating disorder, depression, anxiety problems, bipolar etc

Think about what you want in the future and what you want to experience fully - travelling, studying, working, making friends, new movies and music, changing and growing, new experiences, parties and events, your own children (if you want them), a family (if you want that), to be happy and to have good memories and not just a bunch of bad memories.

Decide that you want recovery and are worth recovery and most of all, that you want it for YOU and YOUR life!

Random update

Hello!

I am going to start off by saying that this post might be very "jumpy" and random in the way it is written as it feels like i have so much to write and it might not be written in a logical sense.

I'll start off by saying that i was so close to putting my blog on Private today... after 7 years of blogging, wanting to put it on private and just not blog again. The reason for it? No reason... i guess i just felt hopeless, like this blog no longer radiates positivity or inspiration, so what is the point.

But i dont want to stop blogging and i dont want to put my blog on private either. Instead i want to radiate positivity and happiness. That is my goal, not just online but in my real life as well!!

The honest truth... i am  doing well. Busy with work, but i am doing well. However i find that at times when i have moments over or think too much, i begin thinking about my break up and it just feels so "unclosed"... like there was so much unsaid and it was abrupt even if expected...  And in a way it does feel like something is missing. But at the same time, it doesnt hurt as much anymore... it kind of feels nice in a way to be single and just focus solely on myself. And no longer have that guilt and pressure over the fact that "i wasnt the girlfriend i should have been" or that i couldnt be as positive and happy as i wanted to be. But also no longer have the stress or pressure of having to travel away and sleep away from home when most of all i just want to curl up into my own bed each night and have my time to think.

At the same time i find myself at times having moments of "who could ever love me when i am the way i am?". I think of all my flaws and all the things i think are wrong with myself or my personality and think, there is no way i can have a functioning relationship... why is it so easy to tear ourselves apart? One of the things my boyfriend said before we left our seperate ways was "dont tear yourself apart over this" - he knows me well. Because i cant help but do that... tear myself apart and put all the blame on myself for things going wrong. Finding all the flaws within myself and wanting to tear myself apart - which then also makes me want to shut off so that i dont have to feel. 

Why is it so easy to focus on the negatives instead of the positives? 

Of course i learnt to stop listening to those negative and "tear myself apart" thoughts before in the past, so i can do it again. Just time to start focusing on my strengths and positives and to improve on the things within my personality which i want to improve! Tearing myself apart wont do me any good at all.

Moving onto something else... the gym.

Barely been there at all the past few weeks and very little strength training done. Lack of motivation and lack of reason to go there if i am honest. Though considering that i have gone to the gym most days a week for the past 4 years (only not been to the gym due to injury or sickness or away on holiday), but i guess its not so strange to lack motivation after 4 years? hahahah.

It feels strange, but i feel no need to go there at the moment. I know my motivation will be back and there is no point going there when i dont want to. Instead my main form of activity is at work where i am infact very active and do alot of standing and walking, so that is enough for me. But i do also go for walks and am now beginning to run again as i realised i have a 10km race in 2,5 weeks time.... though i'll see if i do run it or not closer to the date. My breathing ability has been awful recently so running is definitely going to help with that!!

But i guess what i wanted to say is... dont panic if you dont feel like working out or dont workout for whatever reason. It is ok - you dont need to workout. However you still need to eat even on days you dont exercise!!! But dont force yourself to exercise because you think you have to, that is not a healthy relationship with exercise. Instead you should do it because it is fun, because you want to. In the past i wanted to workout 6 days a week, i had the energy and strength for it. Now... well if i want to go to the gym i will, if not i wont... i do what feels best and will make me happiest! 

And finally something i wanted to add is...  i know you are all writing "go to therapy" or "you need to gain weight" - but please remember that i DONT write out everything on here. There are both positives and negatives in my life that i leave out. And i know you want to help me, but saying "i am super sick or relapsing" that doesnt exactly help? I understand you are trying to be supportive but remember that my family who see me everyday are doing their best to help me and i have full support from them, but also that i am doing well. Therapy... that is still an option, when or if i will start depends on how my autumn turns out!  

I just wanted to remind you all that there is so much more in my life and in my head and things happening (positive and negative) that i dont share on here!! I.e there are days i am super happy and dont blog so dont share those days, and then other days i just want to lie in bed and cry all day and dont share those days. Of course having such mood swings/drastic changes in emotions isnt good either and a sign that something isn't right. But i am getting the support and help i need from my family and plans and actions and such are being discussed with them :)

And lastly? trying to get my appetite back and eat as much as i can! I have been asked to write food diaries - and i wont be doing that as i eat at such weird times and my goal is just eat as high calorie and much as i can as well as enjoying what i eat at the moment. And somedays i eat 3 huge meals, other times 7 small meals... so it varies. But here are 2 of my meals from today anyway.

Breakfast and dinner:

And i have eaten 10kg watermelon in 3 days... XD

Old gym selfie when the lighting was on point... and always wearing that blue shirt because i love it... and yes, i have a washing machine so its fresh each time, hahaha.

Ohhh and lastly... i was so close to getting a tattoo today, hahahah. I so badly want one, i just want to cover my body in tattoos, but i know that isnt a good idea especially when it isnt planned out. But the spontaneou "yolo" part of me just wants to do it and not care about the consequences XD

Anyway, thats all for now. Going to the store to buy chocolate and other delicious things i find and going to try to find a good documentary to watch before sleep and another day of work tomorrow!

Learning self love

Source: toethefinishline:

Learning Self-Love

So many people struggle with self-love and that is definitely a problem! You must learn to love yourself before anyone else! You do not need to find someone to love you, wait until you lose the weight, or anything before you can love yourself – you must love yourself NOW! At the end of the day all you have is yourself and that must be enough! You must be happy with yourself and love yourself unconditionally! Losing weight will not solve the problem – you will still be the same you with the same problems! Instead of focusing on that learn to love yourself for everything you are!

• Focus on your strengths – figure out what you are good at! There are plenty of things that you are wonderful at and use those to build your confidence! No one is good at everything so do not fret if you are bad at something! Instead focus on what you are good at and enjoy them!
• Learn from your mistakes - you don’t have to be good at everything like mentioned above but use your mistakes to your advantage! Don’t worry about them- live and learn! 
• Do what you love – make time everyday to do something you enjoy! Do something that makes you happy to improve your mood!
• Tell yourself you are beautiful - stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are ! Keep telling yourself and fake it until you make it! Really mean what you are saying a realize all of the beautiful things about you - including any flaws ( they make you unique!)
• Turn your negative thoughts into positive ones – instead of thinking your legs are big or whatever your problem is, be thankful you have working legs that you can run marathons with if you wanted! Try to stay optimistic and see the positive side of everything! It will greatly improve your mood and outlook on life!
• Realize that beauty has no measure on your life. Okay even if someone is not beautiful that has no relevance to one’s life ! Everyone has worth and is amazing! I am sure you are the prettiest person ever but even if you are not then who really cares? What does it really matter? All that matters is that you are happy and love your life- and that should not be dependent upon whether or not you are pretty.
• Weight has no relevance to beauty! Whether you are 100 or 300 pounds you can be beautiful! Please do not relate the two to one another! See this post (:
• Spend time with people you love and who love you! It is important to spend time with loved ones! They will boost your mood and confidence! If people have a negative impact on your life then you don’t have to spend time with them! Don’t feel like you must stick around for everyone! You have to put yourself first and make sure you are happy! Don’t let others drag you down!
• Remember that life is simple - the sun rises and the sun sets, we just tend to complicate the process. Remember the simplicity in life and let it help you to stay calm and stay focused on the important things! Love yourself and love your life! Enjoy it while you can and don’t let everything stress you out so much!
• Be generous! Help others, be kind to others, and give when you can. It will spread love and make you feel better as a person!

Physical pain/stomach pain due to mental reasons?

Only a few months ago and last year i had so much stomach pain, almost all the time it felt like. Even if that wasnt the case, i actually had a few days or even a week without stomach pain and it would feel great again, but often i had alot of discomfort in my stomach and often it left me lying on the bed unable to move and that doesnt happen as i have such a high pain tolerance and pretty much push through anything.

The stomach pain can of course be linked to numerous things - The diet i ate back then and eating foods my body couldnt break down so well due to my CF, but also i knew that my body didnt tolerate lactose so well but i kept eating quark and cottage cheese and cream cheese anyway and other foods. My CF also causes stomach pain due to not absorbing/breaking down fat so well, so certain foods i cant eat without stomach pain even if i take enzymes to help break down the food. But also according to a doctor i have gastritis... with lots of heartburn - but there was no official diagnosis of this and i dont even know if i have it anyway.

But more and more of the past weeks, when the stomach pain has decreased signifcantly (the last time i had so much pain was a few weeks ago when i ended up lying in bed instead of joining the dinner party we were hosting). But otherwise i have been stomach pain free for 80% of the time it feels like and i think i can thank that to 1) diet changes and 2) less stress (stress plays a HUGE roll on stomach pain and sometimes you can get different physical pain or discomfort and its actually just due to stress whether it be mental or physical stress) and 3) less anxiety and feeling better mentally.

Yesterday i began thinking about how a part of my stomach pain could definitely have been due to mental reasons - of course this is something i already thought about previously. But at times of stress and anxiety and with lots of guilt or fear my stomach pain would be worse, but then at times with less of that it is  better, even if not completely gone.


It reminds me of the past when i was trying to recover from my eating disorder (or when i was still just sick and no motivation to recover) and i knew i would have to eat and i would have so much anxiety and fear over it that i would feel so sick and like a knot in my stomach. And it was just the fear and anxiety causing those nauesous feelings in my stomach. Because my body was hungry, my body wanted food but my mental anxiety was making me feel sick and like i couldnt fit a single morsel into my body. And other times when i have been stressed or anxious about something i generally feel more nauesous and ill.

I think it is a good thing to connect the dots with things such as this. To see that maybe your physical pain or discomfort can actually be stemming from your mental state? Because often when a person is calm and at peace they have less pain... unless there are "actual" reasons for the pain. For example if i were to eat a bowl of whipped cream or a stir fry with lots of oil i would end up with lots of stomach pain and then it has nothing to do with mental state, but all to do with the physical problem that my body cant digest or break down the fat and it leaves me with extreme stomach pain.


It can be good to think about this. But also to connect the dots of guilt with stomach pain... because while i was recovering, whenever i felt guilty or stressed about a meal or had lots of anxiety then i would experience physical discomfort and pain. But over time had to learn to not be anxious around food or eating and then i wouldnt feel that physical discomfort before meals.

(Of course, while gaining weight there can be alot of stomach pain, bloating and physical discomfort due to your body adapting to the food intake, but part of it can also be mental!)



Long post, trying to write out my thoughts... but maybe others have noticed similar things?