I had an awful nightmare last night.
It started off really weird... it was like world war 2 or something.. kinda weird. But anyway, then it was like i was at Mando. Back in HDV - inpatients.
And i had no idea why i was there, cus i looked just the way i look now.. i wasnt underweight. And i wasnt doing anything wrong.
Like when it came to eating i ate everything properly, and i sat and didnt do any activity. And i didnnt know why i was in HDV.
After like 2 days in HDV i was like Look, im doing everything right. Im not sick. i dont need to be here. And all the staff were just like yeah... you do need to be here. But they had no reason why... like they didnt even know why i was there.
Everything was blurry and i felt dizzy in my dream, and i was like crying because iwanted to come home, but i wasnt allowed.
And then i was going to go to my case manager who i have now - A - and ask why i was back in HDV, what had i done wrong.
But when i got to her room, she was sitting there with my previous inpatient case manager - L - who i hate. she is the most horrible, worst person i know... (even my mum hates her) she is so controlling, so evil.. she thinks she knows best, but she doesnt know shit. (ughh.. i cant even think about her, without getting angry.)
So L & A were having an arguement in A's office... A saying that i shouldnt be in HDV, as there was nothing wrong with me. I was healthy, i was doing so well.. i was about to get declared healthy, but L was saying i should be there, just because. She had no reason why i should be there.. it was just because she wanted me there? to ruin my life...
I sat outside A's office, listening to them arguing, just crying... and then they both came out and saw me sitting there, and A was like in tears (??) and she was like, im sorry.. but you have to go back.. i cant do anything about it... (even though A is like the head staff/chief of the day patient section. and L had like no say, no control.. shes just one of the staff who works in HDV - but she is so controlling... i hate her)
I ended up back in HDV.. just do everything right, as i had no problem eating, and not doing anything.. i was/am healthy... but still they wouldnt let me home.
^6That was my awful nightmare.^^
Im scarred... i mean it. Im so scared of inpatients, im scared of Mando. I have all these memories from there, they just wont fade. They're burned into my mind... and i cant get rid of them.
I shoudlnt be haunted by my past? i shouldnt be reminded of it... but HDV is hell... even for someone healthy.. people think that oh yeah, sitting and eating all day - Luxery. But there is so much more... its not just that. Even for a healthy person you would go crazy/half mad sitting there all day...
I hate it..
No comments:
Post a Comment