Life without Anorexia

My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: [email protected]

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Monday, October 24, 2011

Not hungry.

Today.... i just havent been hungry.


Ive actually felt kinda sick at the thought of eating or food. Lunch, i ate. But it wasnt enjoyable. I wasnt hungry. I could easily have skipped it and not noticed anything.
  And eating my snack it was just like im eating because i have to not because i want to.
 When i came home, im usually hungry so i take a fruit or soemthing. But no... i didnt even feel tired from the walk from the tube to the house, and i wasnt hungry.

Ive jsut been out for a walk with my mum and dog, you'd expect im hungry, but im not. I can feel something in my belly. But its not like im starving or anything. I feel quite sick actually.

This morning i got into an arguement with my mum, because i started eating an apple, extra, over my meal plan But it was a big apple and i had already eaten my breakfast and snack, so its not like i was starving i jsut wanted soemthing, but i couldnt manage the whol apple so i ate half of it and was like... im full.
  And mum got all cross at me.. she was like - when you eat something you have to eat all of it. And i just explained to her that the apple was over, it wasnt soemthing i had to eat.  
  But she got all cross and was like... do you still drink the energy drinks? It was like she didnt trust me...

I got so cross that i just stormed out of the house.

Its like when i mentioned that i missed going to Mando this week, and she got all cross like i had purposely not gone, and she was all like, well make sure to g next week.
  And shes always like, check with your case manager to see that its ok you eat that, or do that.


Yeah... well, its my fucking life... my case manager doesnt control my life, i should eb able to swap energy drinks for chocolate, or go for a run, or eat my snack with breakfast...
   I get to decide that.

It feels like, my life wont eb normal as long as i have to make sure with my case manager that what i do is ok.
  I mean i dont care about my wieght, i dont know how much i weigh but i dont care. im happy with my body at the moment, im happy, i have energy.... why does the number on the scale matter??

Im so angry with my mum at the moment, and it feels so hard to say anything, like i cant say, im not hungry at the moment or i love going for jogs, or lunch wasnt so nice today, so i only ate a little of it because if i say anything like that, it will mean that im becoming sick again.

I just want some trust.


6 comments:

  1. AnonymousOctober 24, 2011 at 8:04 PM

    Its good that you don't care about your body.
    but think your mum is just trying yo help and anorexia is such a sneaky illness and after all the fall backs you've had she's most probably just worried that slowly you'll fall back?
    i don't know.
    hope things get better :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousOctober 24, 2011 at 10:04 PM

    I know it can be SO frustrating when people doesn´t trust you. But for sure, I can say she is just very affraid that you will fall back. I have heard that the last one being healthy/well/recovered after an eating disorder is the people around the person with an ED - because they are so worried things will get bad again. Give them some more time...and show them!
    Just keep up your good work and if you do - people will be able to relax and start see you as the person you are for real!
    You are such a nice person and i like your blog very much!

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousOctober 25, 2011 at 8:19 AM

    i can relate cause during my recovery my mom wuld always want me to eat in front of her and though i tried not to cheat i would actually try to hide stuff and when my pockets would be soiled she would feel so cross at herself

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fighting for freedomOctober 25, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    It was the same for me, mum always wanted me to eat with her, that id have to say when i ate my meals, but i rarely ever told her.
    Because i hardly ate. and i hated eating.
    And when it happend that i had to eat with mum, id cheat every way possible, so it was hard.

    It wasnt until i decided i wanted to get better for myself that i stopped cheating.
    But also, because all the staff at Mando knew i cheated evryway possible and they knew the ways i cheated so they had close watch on me, so i just accepted the fact that i couldnt cheat.

    Hope things get better for you? :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousOctober 27, 2011 at 6:36 AM

    thanks for the support but they dont let me cheat cause of the feeding tube.lol.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fighting for freedomOctober 27, 2011 at 12:57 PM

    Ohh.. ok. I had the feeding tube before aswell... it was awful.
    But no need to get into that. :(

    But in the end its for the best... if you dont eat that is. :)

    ReplyDelete

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