Diary post

Diary post from 2011

I hate everything ive  become. I hate everything about me.
   But also, i cant remember who i am? Who was i before all of this.

All i can rememeber are my years of being sick. I cant remember being normal, doing normal things. And if i did, all i can remember are the sick, Ana parts, the thoughts and anxiety i got when i went ot the cinema with friends, being in school i never ate, going into town avoiding eating even when my friends ate... all i remember is being sick.

I must have been normal at some stage - Of course i was.  Buut i cant remember it.

I dont even know what it is im missing. What is normal? How can someone tell me when i'll be normal again, when i'll be healthy when i dont even know when or what that is?

I cant remember a healthy girl, ive forgotten all thoose memories, buried them deep inside me.

I cant remeber how i thought when i didnt have thoughts of food and calories and anxiety over eating.
  
And what scares me most is that once im a day patient, i d ont know how things will go. at the moment things are going really well, and theres nor eason to say that they wont when i become a day patient, but im scared....?
   no one can tell me that i wont end up as an inpatient for the 5th time? I wont let that happen, but its not like i ever wanted to come back.
   Im not getting worse.... im just scared and worried.

And today when i looked over pictures of when i was Healthy? I dont even know when that was.
   I dont know...it feels weird to think that i didnt have thoughts of self hatred of my body, and that i ate what i wanted. and didnt think of calories.
  
It still scares me to think that i'll be healthy that  i can no longer be classified as an anorexic.
   And now, im starting to think of the damage ive done. Will i grow anymore? Will i get my period again? WIll i ever meet anyone? Will i even get any good education.

And then theres my scars... i know i shouldnt, but i want to do modelling but now ive realised that i wont be able to, no agency would want me, as my scars are still visible, and also the fact, wat would happen if i was told too lose weight?
  And the though of me not being able to do modelling is really crushing me.... i know tis stupid and many people haev told me that after what ive been through its not advised to then go into a business where its all about small and weight. but i dont care... its something i love doing... it would eb a side job, im not stupid eough to ttry to make it as full career, i would like to have a proper job... what ever that iwll be.

But i supppose i have to satisfy myself to be behind the camera instead. :/

I really do hate what ive become. When i look at my old pictures, when i was sick..... i hate it, but at the same time, i want to go back to it??
   I dont know what to think anymore.... i dont know what to do?

This is just one messed up post, blabbing about a bit of eveyrthing. but at the moment im a bit of a jumbled mess. dont know whether to be happy or sad, worried or stressed, whether to cry or to laugh.

I just dont know.


I remember when i was sick i was so set on being a model, that was what i wanted to become. I wonder if that was part of my ED, because now... well it would be fun to be a model. But really im not that fussed about it. I like the way i look, i dont need people to look at pictures of me and get some type of comfirmation of that i look good. I would also never lose weight just so that i got accepted to a modelling agency.
   Did you know that i got scouted twice when i was sick with anorexia... i had a BMI of about 14 at the time...  How could they not see that i was so underweight and sick? Just that thought, that they wanted a young teenager who was severaly underweight as a model puts me off all of that modelling business.