Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Self harming

Ok.... so you might all know, that im a self harmer. Or was.... not sure what to call myself anymore. i used to do it more.
  i went through periods where i self harmed everyday, for maybe a  week. and then maybe i would go a whole month with out self harming, but suddenly something would knock me over the edge and id bring a knife to my arms.
  I mostly self harmed on my arms, but i started on my legs aswell.

I've self harmed with, a knife, a razor, a compass, i've tried burning myself (this is the worst sort of pain) and i tried to break my arm before (didn succeed.)
  You wont understand this. thats fine. I dont expect anyone too. but i dont expect peple  to judge me.
 Do you think, i like to self harm? No... not really. its cus theres too much going on inside me, and its the only way out. its the only thing that kees me fomr actually killing myself. thats how bad things get at some points.
  And the only way to end the pain, to stop the pain from inside eating me up... i make myself feel pain on hte outside.
  And you might have heard, that self harmers dont feel pain when they self harm. well its wrong. i actually do.
But not as much as say i was happy, and feeling fine and i were to cut myself.
  first i feel a tingling sore kind fo sensation, but it almost eggs me on, and after a few minutes,  idont feel anything, its jstu a tingly sensation....
   it hurts more hte next day. at the time, when i self harm  idont think about the consequences. what will happen the next day? the next hour. when im feeling better. thats when the pain comes. when the wounds are trying to heal themselves, thats when it really burns. and wearing clothes is the worst thing and taking a shower.
   One time i had self harmed, and i had a long top on the next day, but the next day i dont know how many imes someone had grabbed my arm making me wince in pain and bring tears to my eyes. trying to act normal like ti didnt burn like hell when they touched my arm.
  trying to cover the scars is also hard.

I don't suggest anyone starts self harming, is addicting and it leave scars. fortunately for me, my most recent ones are fading, but my very first scars,, using a compass and truly etched into my skin. they're very deep, so im always going to have scars from that. but they're not as obvious as they were before.

Im not as self conscious as i used ot be about my scars. i had hid my scars for about a month before my mum found them. and then  i tried to blame it on my dog. but thats the most obvious lie someone would tell.
   at first it took me ages to actually be able to wear short tops, but then i just started too. i got weird looks from people while i was out on the street and i would see how people would stare a my arms. but i was addicted byt hat point, and i almost felt good. like to call myself an emo, a self harmer. that was me. that was my identity. i dont know myself. im the anorexic. the self harmer. but im not me.thats the only identity, i dont own. i needed to find myself and calling myself a self harmer was me finding myself.

When i first went to the irish hospital, i was still self harming so it was very diffucult to have to stop. but i got in with a razor. they hadnt found it. but back then i didnt know how to harm myself with a razor (thank god.) but i also got a compass in, but that got taken off me. then i started using anything sharp i cold find. earrings, clips, pens. but nothing did any damage. jsut a slight pain.
    then i just couldnt take it anymore. i had no energy to try to ekep hurting myself.

then i stopped.

then we moved to sweden. i wasnt self harming then. i was having fun.
   then i was admitted to Mando. i was an in patiant for 6 weeks. and i didnt self harm once. didnt even think about it.
  i dont think i self harmed.. too much wile i was a day patiant. it was just when my weight started to drop and i found it hard to cope at home. arguing and getting panic attacks loads. then i started to self harm again.
   then i was admitted back to the hotel, and things started to start again. self harm was more frequent, and i found out how to use a razor... on my arms and legs.
  Then we went to ireland over the xmas break and things got worse there as i was losing weight, quickly.

Now im back to being an in patiant. and theres no way for m self harm... but i've found myself...scratching and biting myself.. just to get the pain inside me out.

I dont understand it. i wish i could stop.

But one day... one day i will. jsut not now. if i stop now, i'll plumet even further into depression and i'l lconsider suicide even more. its currently on my mind, some times it jstu takes over. thats when i resort to self harm.

If anyone ahs any questions... just ask. but please.. dont judge me. or think wrong of me.

 Self-harm isn't the problem; the problem is what is causing the self-harm in the first place.

Some information about self harm - read if you want! it might be good to know!

Self-harm is often a way of coping with painful and difficult feelings and distress. Someone may harm themselves because they feel overwhelmed and don't know how else to deal with things. It's usually a very private issue and motivations and methods will differ from one person to another. Some forms of self-harm carry a serious risk, but this doesn't mean someone who self-harms is always intending to cause themselves serious injury.

Long term effects of self harm -

Some people who self-harm say that it's an immediate emotional release; an action they can take when things get too much. But although it can provide instant relief, there are longer-term consequences that you need to be aware of.


"It's important to remember that all injuries will leave permanent scarring," says Hamish Laing of the British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgeons (BAPRAS).  This can come as a surprise to people who expect to have their scars removed, he says, when often there's very little that can be done.
As well as scarring, cutting your skin can have more serious consequences. "If you are cutting your wrist, you're not very far away from the mechanics of the inside of your arm," says Hamish. "We see lots of people who have injured tendons, nerves, blood vessels and muscles. And although some of these can be repaired, if you cut a major nerve in your wrist you can be left with permanent weakness or numbness in your hand, or both. It's a very significant injury."

Myths around self harm - 

Myths and stereotypes

Negative stereotypes around self-harming can make you feel like you don't want to come forward for help and advice. You may be worried because you'll be judged and that you won't be taken seriously. If you're frustrated that a friend or family member just doesn't get you, remind them that self-harm isn't about attention-seeking or part of a 'youth culture', but often a response to emotional pressure and distress

Self-harming is attention-seeking

Stripping naked and running down the high street would be attention-seeking, but self-harming is very private and personal. People who self-harm often go to great lengths to cover up their injuries. The attention that self-harming does bring is often negative and doesn't help to relieve distress. Positive attention such as lending an ear and listening can help somebody who is experiencing distress and dealing with the pressures of everyday life. 

People who self-harm are suicidal

People who self-harm aren't usually trying to kill themselves. For many it's a coping mechanism used to survive - not die. Just because you self-harm, it doesn't mean you are suffering from a severe mental illness, either. Although there is a relationship between self-harm and suicide, many more people self-harm than kill themselves - it's the feelings behind the stress they want to get rid of. However, some people who self-harm also have suicidal feelings or are not sure if they want to live or die as a result of an episode of self-harm. In addition some forms of self-harm can lead to accidental death.

It's only a teenage thing - you will grow out of it

It's not easy to say exactly how many people self-harm and it's definitely not just something that affects young people. If somebody is hurting themselves, either by cutting, repeatedly banging their head or pulling their hair out, it's a sign that something is seriously bothering them. They need help and somebody to listen to them. If not the problem may become more severe over time. 

People who self-harm could stop if they wanted to

Self-harm can become a habitual or addictive behaviour for some people. Telling somebody to "just stop it" will not work and could possibly alienate them further. They need help and understanding to recover and learn other strategies for coping with emotional pain and stressful situations. 

People who have self-harmed have been abused

While some people who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused may self-harm, it would be wrong to assume that is the case for everybody. There are many different triggers and often young people find it difficult to pinpoint the exact thing that caused them to self-harm in the first place. For many self-harming is a way to cope - to release tension, stress or pressure. Seeking professional help can enable those who self-harm get to the root of the problem.

Self-harm is when you cut yourself

Cutting is only one form of self-harm and although it's one of the most common reported forms, there are other ways that people may hurt themselves intentionally. This might be, hair pulling, head banging, scratching, burning and overdosing

The wound isn't that bad - so the problem can't be that bad

If somebody has the courage to tell you that they self-harm it is incredibly important to them that you take them seriously, regardless of how severe, or not, the injury is. Your reaction may have a tremendous impact on them, so tread carefully.

If you self-harm you have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

BPD is a complex condition and there is a lot of debate among mental health experts about what it is and how to treat it. Some people argue that as a diagnosis it has little meaning and that labeling someone as having a BPD is not useful. Self-harm can be a feature of BPD but only as part of a complex set of other features. Even if someone is diagnosed as having a BPD they will still need treatment and support that deals with the underlying emotional issues and patterns of behaviour - as will all mental health problems.

Hints and tips on becoming more positive

  1. Train yourself to notice when you are happy and try to collect five happy moments every single day.
  2. Get active - physical activity releases happy chemicals in our brains.
  3. Sign up as a volunteer research shows that helping others gives us a sense of wellbeing. 
  4. Keep in contact with your mates - scientists report that individuals with a good social network are more likely to be positive people.
  5. Write a letter of thanks to someone who has helped you or had a great influence on you. This will increase your positive and contented feelings.  
  6. Eat healthilydrink plenty of water and get sufficient sleep. It's hard to feel positive if you aren't treating your body with care and respect.

You might be able to live with the urge to self-harm for days and then it can fade, but at other times you can only bear the urge for a few hours before a trigger event takes you over the edge into self-injury.

  • The 15-minute rule - if you're feeling the urge to self-harm, give yourself 15 minutes before you do. Distract yourself by going for a run or writing down your feelings. When the time's up, see if you can extend it by another 15 minutes. Try to keep going until the urge subsides;
  • Meditation - try to visualise the urge as an emotional wave you can surf. Imagine it reaching a crescendo then breaking as you successfully resist its force;
  • Write a list of things you've achieved that make you feel proud, or fill a box with things that make you happy, such as pictures of friends and loved ones. Keep them handy and look at them when you're feeling bad;
  • Practice expressing your emotions and feelings through art or writing or talking to a friend.

What causes self-harm?

If you've got mental health or problems such as depression or severe anxiety, you have a higher risk of self-harming. But if you do self-harm, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have a serious mental illness - it may just be that you are feeling alone, isolated, stressed, frustrated, or angry about issues out of your control. Such issues might include one or more of the following:

Purpose of self-harm

Some people harm themselves because they don't know how else to cope with pressures from family, school and peer groups. Extreme feelings such as fear, anger, guilt, shame, helplessness, self-hatred, unhappiness, depression or despair can build up over time. When these feelings become unbearable, self-harm can be a way of dealing with them.
Reasons young people have given for their self-harm include:

  • Some people self-harm with the intention of ending their life or they may be unsure about whether they want to survive, for example, taking an overdose and leaving it to fate to decide the outcome

  • When the level of emotional pressure becomes too high it acts as a safety valve - a way of relieving the tension;
  • Cutting makes the blood take away the bad feelings;
  • Pain can make you feel more alive when feeling numb or dead inside;
  • Punishing oneself in response to feelings of shame or guilt;
  • When it's too difficult to talk to anyone, it's a form of communication about unhappiness and a way of acknowledging the need for help;
  • Self-harm gives a sense of control that's missing elsewhere in life.

I hope some of that information helped, some way or other.