Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Myself - My journey to Health.

Hello and welcome to my blog.

I have been blogging since 2010 when i struggled with anorexia (with purging tendencies), depression, self harm and over exercise. I struggled for almost 5 years with self destructive behaviour, and spent 2 years in different hospitals.

That is now my past.
August 2012 i was declared healthy from anorexia, depression and over exercising.
And that was a new chapter of my life.


I am now happy and healthy and licing my life.
My passion in life is health and exercise, and in the future will study to become a health coach.

In this blog i write about my daily life, what i eat, tips and advice. I answer questions and write about topics which YOU want to read about.
I want to inspire others and help others who are in the same situation i was before.
If you need any advice or have any questions you can comment or email me: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com


But im going to tell you bit about myself, how i ended up at this point.

I grew up in Ireland with my family, where i went to school and had friends.

When i was around 11/12, i changed school,  and began at secondary school.
And i think thats when things started to change.
The school was very big which was a shock to me coming from a previously small school.
For our lunch breaks everyone brought there own lunch with them. 
All my life i have been very insecure and had low self esteem and then suddenly in secondary school, i didnt want anyone seeing me eat. 
My problem with food had begun before i started seconday school, hhowever the real problem began and got worse when i stopped eating lunch in school.

I didnt think it was anything wrong, not eating lunch. I was generally very stressed from school, and all the work i had which lead to a decrease in appetite..
My friends wondered why i  didnt eat. I told them i had already eaten (lie) or that i wasnt hungry (lie)
I didnt think there was anything wrong with lying, or anything wrong with not eating.
I got to the point where i didnt feel hungry any more and my friends stopped asking why i didnt eat.

Soon though, i stopped eating breakfast aswell.
I didnt see anything wrong with that either.

It was around this point where i started to exercise more.
I was never super active however i did go for walks, bounce on the trampoline and do yoga (as my mum is a yoga teacher). Though i began exercising even more i started to play sports, go out for walks and runs.
I jsut thought it was healthy.

I played basketball twice a week, and had matches some days aswell. I did physical education twice a week. I went for walks and runs every second dayand i also used our home training bicycle and training ball.
and somedays when i was alone i would do jumping jacks and run up the stairs, even though i was exhausted.
I was oblivious to what i was doing, I thought i was just being healthy.
But i would get very panicked if something interfered with my training, or if i felt so tired, or had too much work that i couldnt go for a walk, or run.
My parents didnt notice anything, they thought it was good that i was getting out and doing more exercise.
 My over exercising continued and got worse the deeper i fell into anorexia.

Some time later i started to throw up, i cant actually remember how i began. At first it was jsut now and again, but then it got more frequent and then i would throw up the very little i ate.
But at this point i would survive on a little dinner and maybe a half granola bar per day which would mostly likely come back up again,
And about 8 cups of black tea, no milk and lots of water.

My eating habits, purging and over exercising had been going on  for about 2 years and i was constantly sick. I had little energy, somedays i couldnt even get out of bed or raise my head from the pillow. I had fallen into depression and self harm and was hiding away from the world and friends.  I didnt have the energy for school, and being at school just made me feel worse. It interfered with my exercising, so i stopped going to school.
As far as i know, my mum didnt suspect anything, i have the illness Cystic Fibrosis, so i blamed my tiredness on that and that was why i got to stay at home.

I was pale and tired and when i wasnt exercising, i was sleeping.
I was always cold, and i had lost most of my friends as i didnt have the energy to keep in contact with them and i was missing so much school.
but at that point i didnt care,
I was depressed and self harming.

Some days i would just lie in my room, on the floor ( i  didnt think i deserved to lie on the bed) and cry.
Not knowing what was going on with me.
I didnt know why i was behaving the way i did. I knew something was wrong with me, but i didnt think i had an eating disorder. I didnt know what was going on.

After sometime, my mum found out. She asked me if i was throwing up, i didnt know what to say.
I started screaming, shouting, crying.saying i was worthless,fat and stupid and i didnt know what i was doing.

My mum immediately drove me to the hospital where i was weighed and the doctors finally saw how much weight i had lost. I was critically underweight and the doctors wanted to submit me to hospital directly.However my mum said no.
So for about 4 weeks I went to a psychiatric doctor where they tried to talk to me. But i was a closed book. Never said anything.

At first i just had to write down what i ate each day for a week.
But considering that what i ate in a week is what someone would eat in a day,
things didnt work out.
My mum was to sit with me after my meals so that i didnt go to the bathroom, but that didnt work so well so finally after losing even more weight i got admitted to a kids psych ward.

I dont remember much form that time.
I was under 24/7 supervision.
I had 6 meals a day but i refused each meal. I barely ate and drank and basically lay in bed for 2 months,
but i kept losing weight so i was then put on a feeding tube.
I was on a feeding tube for about a month where i gained a little weight, but i was severally depressed, and because i was on the feeding tube i didnt eat anything either.
I still found ways to self harm and even though my weight was up, everything else was getting worse.
 I have my documents from that hospital and apparently when i was asked why i was so scared of eating. I replied, I would rather die than be fat. (This coming from a 14 year old girl... which i find very uppsetting :/)



So then my family decided that  we should move to sweden (Where i am currently living) so that i could get better help.
My mum signed me out of that hospital and hte next day we were on a plane to sweden, after 3 months away from my own house, i got to be there for about 6 hours, to then leaving it, and i havent seen that house since.

I promised my mum that i would do better and actually get healthy when i was in Sweden.
When we first got to sweden i had to go to hospital, to get weighed and for the doctors to make sure i was ok, as really it wasnt reccommeded that i fly, due to me being so underweight.
Me and my mum spent 3 days in that hospital where they tried to get me to eat, but i woudnt.
They threatend Tube feeding, and force feeding, thats when my mum decided that we should take contact with the eating clinic, Mando Meter.

We went for a meeting there where i filled in all these papers, i hoped that i would get to be a day patient,
but 2 weeks later i got admitted as an inpatiant.

During the 2 weeks before i was admitted to Mando, i took my chance to not eat and lost the small bit of weight i had gained from tube feeding and even more.




I really dont remember much from that time, i suppose you can read about my journey through my posts, but i really dont reccommed it.:)
I was an inpatiant for 8 weeks before i got to be a day patient.
At first things went well, but soon i got back to my activity problems and i start to throw up,
and then i stopped eating while i was at home. My mum had too much trust in me,
so she wasnt there to support me.

So after 2 months as a day patiant, i had lost enough weight to have to be admitted once again to inpatiants.
I wasnt in the intensive in patients bit, i was down at this hotel bit, where i had my own room and wasnt supervised all the time.
But i wasnt allowed home. However things didnt go so well there,
I didnt  follow my meal plan, and cheated whenever i could.
Because i had my own room i started to throw up and exercise again. And my self harm was worse then ever.

I was in a very bad mental state.
I lied to my case manager telling her that iwasnt doing anything wrong, but i wasnt gaining any weight so i was put on supplement drinks. Which was my worst nightmare.

I spent 2 months as an inpatiant, and then it was christmas and my family wanted to travel back to ireland for christmas and the new year. I had gained enough weight that i was allowed to travel.
But i was in such a bad mental state that i had no intention of doing right.
i saw this as my chance to lose all the unnecessary weight i had gained, serious about leaving Mando the second i got back to Sweden.
The moment we got to Ireland, i did nothing right.
I barely ate anything.
I stood  pretty much all day, and went for plenty of walks.
And i self harmed everyday, leaving my arms and legs bloody and sore.
And the little that i ate came back up again.
Christmas and New years wasnt enjoyable.
There were many arguements, my mum and dad tried to get me to eat, tried to get me to sit down.
But i wouldnt.
My sister ignored me completly.

All christmas i cried, and i froze, and i self harmed and didnt eat.
It was at one of my worst points ever.




When i got back to Sweden i was admitted straight away as an inpatiant, with a BMI of 13. i wasnt even allowed to pack a bag.
I was in a wheelchair if i were to leave the  building for about 3-4 weeks.

My mental state was at an all time low and the first chance i got i overdosed on pills and ended up spending 2 nights in hospital, and had to be drugged on calming pills.

After a few more weeks of inpatiants i got to be a day patiant again.
But after jsut 6 weeks, i was back in again.
The moment i got out of in patiants, the same thing happend, all over again
I wasnt strong enough, I stopped eating.
And i started losing weight,
I was warned that if i didnt shape up and start gaining weight, i'd be back in as an inpatiant again.
I didnt listen, so in  a matter of a week, i lost 5-7kg and was again at a critical state.
and was admitted once again.




I was ar my very worst point. I was in a wheelchair, i had threatned to run away so i wasnt allowed visitors,
my activity was too high so i had a staff with me pretty much all the time.
That was when i decdided, i couldnt do this anymore.
I couldnt be sick.
I coudlnt end my life,
but i decided i would get well enough to be allowed out, and then id buy pills and take enough to actually kill myself.

But slowly i realised, i didnt want to kill myself, i wanted a life. And i didnt want a sick one
Once i realised that. I started fighting, for real.
For my own sake.
Not anyone elses.

Things were tough, it took a while for people to actually realise that i wanted to be healthy, to get well,
and not just so that i could start everything again.



I spent 3 months as an in patiant. before i became a day patient. I started school again and began trying to live my life. However at the start of 2012 i was in this half recovered stage i had a bit of a relapse and began starving and binging and purging. This continued for almost 2 months, as i was very stressed with school. I began losing weight again and was almost admitted back to daypatients (At that time i was only going to Mando once a week or every 2 weeks, but i was threatened about going back full time.)
   I got my act together and realised that i wasnt happy losing wieght. That it wasnt worth it.

I began exercising again and eating healthy. I learnt more about nutrition and health and that really helped me, as i learnt how food works in the body and that i need fuel to live and if i am going to workout. I went against all my ED habits, and fought my fears and faced my fear foods.
   And by autumn 2012 i was healthy physically and mentally.

I am now happy and healthy. And have come out alot stronger.