Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Mando. Mando Meter & Wii-base.

Ok. so in this blog you''ll hear Mando, Mando meter & Wii-base often mentioned. Even Scandishake and i'll tell you all what they are, just incase you dont know.

Ive gotten a few inquiries about Mando and whether it was good or not and how it was there.
   I spent 1,5 years at Mando - An inpatient5 times and a day patient 3 times. I didnt want to recover, so every chance i got i would cheat, exercise, skip eating, purge etc  For the first year i basically didnt do anything right... i would gain weight when i was an inpatient, though cheated every chance i got and once i became a day patient i would lose all the weight and more again.

I think Mando is a great treatment centre though, their main focus is eating and resting. Not so much talking. This can be a good thing for some and for others, it might not work .For me, as i find it so difficult to talk and there wasnt really an underlying problem to why i became sick. It was mainly (what i think anyway) that i wanted control over my life and had very low self esteem... and then that just spiraled out of control.

Also i got asked about how i learnt to eat propely, the right portions. At Mando we used this thing called a Mandometer, which we ate lunch and dinner on (i'll talk about that below) and we measured all our food. This of course can be seen as a sick thing, because want to move away from measuring food and counting. However i think it was a good thing. I would never have eaten food if someone else had made it for me while i was sick. So it gave me sometype of control over what i ate by measuring the food. Knowing that i was using the right amount, however it also made you want to cheat... to always use less than what you were supposed to etc
   In time, when you got closer to healthy you began to get rid of measuring food, and not using the Mando Meter. So it was a gradual process of not measuring food. And that was a very good method, because you could use your eye measurements... you knew roughly how much you should be eating.

Mando - MandoMeter was the eating disorder clinic i went to (and still go to for check ups - I go the 5 year follow up program now. And its more for their sake that i go, rather than mine.). 

Theres an inpatiant ward (for the patients who have to stay there.) a day patient ward (you get to go home.) and then theres a 'hotel' bit. its for the patients who come from far away, or out of the country who dont need to be an inpatient anymore, but cant exactly go home each evening. so they stay at the 'hotel' where they have their own room. so its like you get to go home, but you dont leave the Mando building.

The treatment plan is centered around 6 meals a day. Every patient has their own individual meal plan. and we use measuring cups to measure up our food (ex. 1dl[100ml] yoghurt. 3dl [300ml] juice. 1 tsp butter. etc etc) So thats how we know that we get exactly what we're meant to have.   There is always staff which watch you  to make that you take the right amount. as in my opinion it was quite easy to cheat with the measurements.

  You eat, breakfast (8am), snack(10am.), lunch (12pm), snack (3pm), dinner, (6pm), and then a night snack (8.30pm)
  When you're day patient, you eat dinner and night snack at home. But for some, depending how far they've come in the treatment, it depends how often you actually are at Mando. but it starts off first (when you turn day patient) that you're there at 8am(breakfast) till roughly 3.30pm (after our snack).
  Each patient has their own meal plan which is based on their needs, so you dont eat the same as anyone else. There are always staff who eat with the patients. At the day centre part, the staff arent as 'strict' as in the inpatient section.

The day is centered around eating our meals, and resting. 

The patients are seperated into groups. the inpatients, have full supervision 24/7. and they eat they're meals together with the other inpatient patients and staff who watch them closely.
   then for the day patients, as there's so many. You're divided into groups. Group 1 and Group 2. and each group has different staff who watch you closely.

Some patients, would eat in a lab (seperate room) with a staff. But the aim/goal is to be able to sit with the others, and be able to just sit and eat and talk even. but they do say focus on the food. they say that snacks should take between 10-15 minutes and dinner and lunch should be eaten in 15 minutes.
   but if you take longer, there will still be a staff who sits with you to make sure that you eat your meal. If you really do take too long. then you're going to have to take a supplement drink, to replace the meal.
  so theres no avoiding eating.

The day patients arent watched 24/7. They're expected to be able to sit in the sofas and behave . but that doesnt mean that the staff cant see us. theres offices all around the "sitting/resting area" with glass windows, so they can see out and see the patients.
The sitting/resting areas, are made up of sofas, blankets, just cosy place to be able to relax. there are also computers and some magazines to read. the day patient side has windows in the sitting area, but in the inpatient side, theres no windows. making every thing quite claustrophobic.

There are also "resting rooms." where theres a bed, so you can lie down after your meals. the room is also set to a very warm temperature, as heat is supposed ot help with anxiety and guilty feelings.
   so depending on what you and your case manager have decided, you either rest in there or in the sofas.

Each patient has an individual case manager, the one who looks after you. you go and talk to.
  the one who decides what you next step is - school/work. when you have to come to Mando (as you progress the less you have to be there) they're also the ones who watch your weight.
   You're weighed regularly (sometimes once a week, sometimes every morning, sometimes 2-3 times a week etc), so they can see if you start to drop in weight and as you never really know when you will be weighed they eliminate the chance of you cheating with the scale (i.e trying to weigh more)

Mando meter - For  lunches and dinner you use this thing called Mando meter. basically its a weighing scale attached to a little computer screen.

   you put the plate on, and then there comes up this little gauge, which you have to fill up to 100%.
At the start, patients start off eating maybe 180g cooked food. but in the end you end up with 350gram food. (140gram carbohydrates. 105gram protein. 70gram cooked vegetables and 35gram sauce.) but with the Mando meter, its measured up in procent - 40%carbs. 30%protein. 20% vegetables and 10% sauce.(thats the full portion anyway.
   Then there also comes up this little gauge, where you have to fill in your fullness. as we cant rely on our own signs, we have to guess. try to follow this curve.
While we eat, we watch the computer screen. there are two lines. One line which goes diagonally across the screen, is how fast/slow we eat. we're meant to follow the line. the line has  time on it. you're supposed to eat in 15 minutes, but soem have it set at different times (18/20/25 even.) you're expected to try to follow the curve.
   then theres another curve... which goes from the bottom left corner, and it looks like an S. thats the fullness. so when the gauge comes up, while you eat... it puts a little dot on the screen where you answered. you're expected to try to get the dots on the curve.
   it sounds very diffucult and complicated. but it isnt.

the meals are then stored on the computer, which your case manager can look and see how you follow the curve.
The staff also have a very close eye while we weigh up the food, making sure we take the right procent. 

There are 3 different alternatives each day. so not everyone gets the same. Its your case manager who orders the food for you. At mando you have to eat meat... both fish and meat. There is a mix of food - while i was there i hated the food. I thought it was just high calorie, fattening and greasy food. But compared to the psychiatric ward which i was at first (where i got served burgers and fries, biscuits, nutella, hot chocolate, lasagna, cheesy baked potatoe etc) the food at Mando really wasnt the bad. It was food like pasta with chicken in a cream sauce, fish with potatoes and sauce, rice and sausage etc etc. In other words, normal lunches/dinners.

Wii - Base - That is basically when you test yourself, to see if you know the right amount of food. and to see how fast/slow you eat.
  you use the Mando meter, but instead of seeing the procent, you just put food on the plate. so you dont know how much you've actually taken. and then while you eat, theres no lines or curves you have to follow.
   that can be quite scary at first. but to be able to get rid of the Mando Meter, you have to be able to weigh up about right.
   so when you progress gets farther you start eating Wii base for you meals.
You case manager can see the results, see how much you weighed up.

^^ This was one of the times when i was cheating with my Mando meter... ^^ Because that is NOT a healthy or enough portion & there were no carbs.

^^ That was how a typical portion looked... (its fish with a sauce on top, potatoes & veggies... But i used mustard instead of a proper sauce)

Scandishake - Scandishake is an energy drink, which i currenlty have to drink. it is made up of this like calorie powder and then full fat milk. it is roughly 600 calories.
   there are also other energy/calorie drinks - fortimel/ensure
If you dont finish a meal, then you'll have to replace it with drinking a certain amount of energy drink.
But some have to ave an energy drink added to their meal plan instead of adding food.

hopefully now you know more about what im talking about. :)