Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Your mental illness turns you into someone you are not

Today I began thinking about how my mental illnesses - in the past - turned me into someone i was not. They made me behave and think in ways that arent truly me... They made me do things which i normally wouldnt do. Or in some cases they just made certain traits of mine worse than what they actually are.

 I am naturally an introvert... i dont need to be surrounded by people all the time, infact i like my alone time and being alone. But now when im healthy i also realise i need to be around people at times as well. I need to spend time with friends and family and spend time with my housemates to feel happy and content. I dont need to or want to isolate myself completely like i did when i was sick, instead having a balance and not pushing people away but instead actually making plans and wanting to see people. I may be an introvert but i also like being social and meeting new people and being around people at times!

I may not always express my emotions in words or talk to people about how im feeling, but when i was sick i was completely silent. Didnt say anything about how i felt and kept it all to myself, trying to pretend i was ok and thinking i was strong for not saying anything to anyone. Now i know that i am strong for asking for help or telling my family when i have had a bad day or just being able to express myself in some way and call them and realise that i do need contact with my family.. not to just pretend i am super independant who doesnt need anyone. Because no, i may not need their help and i am independant and can handle things on my own but it doesnt make me weak (like i thought in the past) for talking about my struggles or just having contact with my family. As the quote goes... a problem shared is a problem halved!


In the past my mental illnesses turned me into someone i was not. They made me push people away, they made me isolate myself, they made me judgmental and at my very worst i could say some awful things to my family... anything to push them away and make them not want to be around me, anything to make them hate me, just as much as i hated myself.

While i was sick i thought "this is just who i am"... i am someone who needs to be alone, someone who builds walls and pushes people away. This is just me....

But when i recovered i realised that the person i was when i was sick isnt who i truly was/am. The person i am now, the happy, healthy and strong person i am now... that is ME. I feel happy, i feel sad, i feel anxious and worried at times. But i am a positive and energetic and happy person and that is who i am. But when i was depressed i just thought "i am an isolated, introverted, sad, unhappy, anxious person.... thats just who i am". But that was my illness... sure i still get anxiety and panic but that isnt who i am... thats just something i struggle with sometimes.

Dont let your illness convince you that you are just your illness, because you arent. The sadness can go away, the panic, the anxiety, the fear, the lonliness.... it can go away and you can feel who you really are. Because as long as you only think negative or sad thoughts then thats how you will feel. But you dont need ot be a sad or a lonely person, you can change those.

This is a rather messy post.... but i was thinking about how different i am as a healthy version of me compared to who i was when i was sick. But just thinking back to 2015/2016.... i really wasnt myself back then, so much was a facade and hiding how i felt. There are many memories i wish i could change just because i know i wasnt really myself and times i ruined because of my mental illness, but all i can do is go forward with my life and grow from my mistakes, but most importantly remember who i truly am. And to never let the stress or sadness take over my life. Even if i didnt choose to become depressed or have an eating disorder, i did atleast choose to recover and to find myself again and it is very much worth it even if the recovery progress is tough and takes time, it is possible!

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7 comments:

  1. Amazing post izzy because I can truly relate to it. These days I'm trying to convince myself that not all days are bad days and not even the happy ones are going to prevail! My illness also made me judge everyone for not caring about me when in fact, I never gave them the chance. I was always the victim. But now that I'm trying to recover, I use my mind to rationalise situations more effectively.. it's like your illness actually confines your brain a lot.. may God help all those needing help in the world. It really saddens me that there are people out there struggling.. I wish I could help them.

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  2. I totally agree I see that I changed a lot . Can you please explain me more how metabolism works when you start eating more? And can you give me examples of your meal plan during recovery ? I have big problems when it comes to choosing what to eat and would appreciate advice:)

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  3. I know, when I look back to how I was during my depression its hard to really think I did some of the things I did and said some of the things I said, but at the time that was just me and that's how I was. Mental illness certainly distorts the way you think and behave and at times I am horrified at the person I was during that time. I am just thankful that I managed to recover and not be locked in that world anymore and I feel so much for people who are out there and struggling themselves. I wish I could wave a magic wand for them all so that they feel better too.

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  4. What do you think got you through your depression Izzy? Do you owe your recovery to medication and having the strength to carry on and change your thoughts or do you think it was a matter of time - ie the illness ran its course?

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  5. I know the 1st of the month has been and gone, but are you going to run a "goals of the month" this time? I find these posts very inspiring reading about other peoples goals and acheivements and also find it helpful to post my own as it gives me something to work towards.

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  6. Izzy, you have written posts sometimes on "what is normal/healthy eating?", and I know it is difficult. Equally difficult, but different -- I wonder if it might be interesting or helpful if you had any ideas some time about, "what is a normal/healthy way to feel about one's body?" What is it like for "normal" people, to have a body at all? I mean, I know people think about how they look -- some more than others -- but ... I just wonder. To me the way I feel about having a Body makes me feel different, but I don't know quite what it is different from, except that I don't think that having a Body stops other people from doing things in public as much as it stops me, and I don't think that normal people trap themselves in binging and such like.
    Please do not prioritise this question, I just thought I would leave it here in case it was one you would be interested to write on some time. Thanks always, and have a good weekend.

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  7. Very good suggestion! I have been thinking about this as well, I mean even "normal" people get hang ups about their bodies - don`t they? How much emphasis does normal people put on their bodies? Just what is a normal healthy opinion/attitude towards your body?
    This would be an interesting subject to explore,Izzy, if you get the chance to maybe post on it?
    Hope you are ok and life is going well for you - have a lovely weekend.

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