Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, May 14, 2017

Sunday and goal for next week

Good morning!!

It's 10pm, i've had 8 hours sleep tonight, ive just eaten breakfast and now drinking my coffee and planning my day. I am the type of person who likes to plan my days in hour blocks such as from 8-9 eat breakfast and get ready, 10-11 study, 11-12 go for a walk etc etc Of course, there is spontanity as well, i dont always follow my plan its not so strict or rigid for example if i had planned a workout and then realise i dont even want to workout or maybe want to go for a walk instead of the gym or maybe i have extra energy and do an extra long workout even if my workout was just supposed to be 60 minutes etc etc I dont like when my day isnt planned, it does give me a sense of control.... and its better to have this not so strict planned day than to control my life in other ways such as via food or exercise or drug abuse.



Moving on.... How am i feeling today compared to the past 48 hours? Im feeling better and more positive! However i am just ready for a new week.... at the moment i sort of feel like i am waiting for something but i dont know what.... waiting for school to end? Waiting for summer? Waiting for new work shifts? Waiting until my mum comes to gothenburg? Waiting for midsummer? Waiting until next autumn? Waiting until im done with university......

At the moment i am not living in the present moment, not enjoying or making the best out of each day because i am just waiting for something but i dont know what. Almost a little paniced feeling when i amnt in the present because im just looking into the future. So now when i have made this reflection i am going to try to do my best to just be aware and enjoy each day and stop worrying or thinking about the next day or next month. It doesnt help to worry or to feel like i am wasting my life or not making the best out of each day because my mind is just in the future and future plans and deadlines and other things.

So my goal for the next week and rest of the month.... be aware and be present!

Other goals for this month is to be more social... the past few days i have sort of withdrawn because i havent felt so great. I had opportunities to be social and meet my friends both Friday and Saturday and i wanted to go to both, but i let my anxiety stop me which isnt good and not something i am proud of. But thats life i guess i just needed to be on my own for a while, even if being alone didnt necessarily help and i know that i would have had a good time and felt better if i did go to the party and other social. But sometimes anxiety gets the better of me, next time hopefully i will know better!

Time to end this post now before it gets even longer!  I hope you all have a lovely Sunday, and if you have any questions or topic suggestions comment below and i will try my best to answer them next week :)


24 comments:

  1. I wish I could give you some sort of great advice how to practice living in the present moment. However I must admit it's something I have been struggling with A LOT those last three years. When I was in the depths of my ED I could actually manage to live in the present moment so much more than I can now. When the pain started in my pubic bone and all the operations, treatments etc. I just set my life on hold. I did finish my A-levels two years ago but after that it has just been one big road of doctors, medical stuff, rehabiliations etc. The silly thing is I could of course do something besides all this. It's just that I seem not to be able to. It feels horrible. It feels like I don't have a personality or interests anymore. Well sorry for this not so positive message .. Wishing you all the luck and hopefully you will enjoy this Sunday <3

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    1. Aww I'm so sorry about how hard things have been for you :( I really wish there was an instant cure, but it is possible to recover and just try and use how horrible your current situation is as motivation to recover as quickly as possible and get out of that situation. And you are still a person! Try and try out different hobbies like crafts or whatever until you find something you enjoy

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    2. yeah that's true but not being able to sit down due to the stress fractures makes it super frustrating

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  2. Hey Izzy - did you watch Eurovision last night??? As usual it was cringely "awful" but a bit of a laugh just the same :) And we came the highest we have done for ages - 15th!

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    1. Izzys Swedish and Sweden came 5th but they always do a lot better than us brits. I watched and thought it was quite good :)

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    2. i don't think so haha i thought netherlands were 5th?

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    3. I just checked again to make sure I wasn't wrong and Sweden were fifth -and Netherlands 11th :) so many countries it's hard to remember haha

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  3. Izzy, thank you so much for sharing both this post and the previous one.
    Thank you for all you share of your own life and struggles and wisdom and strivings, hopes, goals and approaches to things here.

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  4. Oh thankfully I'm not alone. I think a lot of people feel that way when theyre studying because we aren't always bombarded with thoughts like "then what?" The future is really obscured and unclear but I think we should set those thoughts aside and work hard for the opportunities we have and leave the rest to unravel on its own. :)

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  5. Hey izzy, sorry for this totally unrelated comment/question. I was just wondering if you or anyone could give me some advice?

    I am in a major binge restrict cycle right now. I was hospitalised at the beginning of the year and gained from 44kg to 48.5kg. When I came home I restricted to 1000 calories again and lost until I got to 45.8kg. Then in March I went on holiday for a week and ever since the last two days there I've been constantly binging and restricting (as soon as I lose the binge weight, I binge again in a day or two). Last week I binged 7400 calories one day and then 3500 the next! For the following 3 days I restricted to 900 calories and then yesterday I binged again on 6000 calories before I'd even lost all of the weight from the last binge! I weighed this morning and I've gone from 45.5 to 48.2! I'm so upset I just want to cry in bed all day.
    I'm diagnosed with Anorexia but feel like I'm becoming bulimic because of my binging (normally once a week or more). I don't purge (I have tried but it never works, nothing comes up) but I've started using laxatives again and have been taking 7-10 to help with the food/water weight (I know, I know. Laxatives are awful. But I can't help myself I feel like a huge failure and need to get out of this horrible cycle). I'm going to just restrict to 1000 and once I've almost gotten rid of the extra weight I'm going to force myself to eat 1200 a day to try and prevent binging again?

    Sorry for the super long post, any advice or response will be appreciated.

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    1. If you stop restricting yourself so much maybe the urge to binge won't be there, because you'll actually have eaten enough. And 1200 isn't anywhere near enough. Also you said that you were admitted to hospital at that weight, so why do you keep trying to get back down to it? I know It's difficult but maybe this is your bodys way of saying that you need to be at a higher weight to be healthy if you are currently underweight?

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    2. I completely understand what your saying. I guess the real problem is: I just can't eat 'normally', no matter how hard I try. I can only restrict or binge eat. I've tried recovery numerous times and have only ever managed to eat a normal number of calories (2500) once. Apart from that one day I was constantly binging on very high amounts (4000-8000) and of course this makes me think: well would I rather binge my way to a high weight and not be at all mentally recovered and probably still unable to eat like a normal person or would you rather just restrict to undo as much damage as possible because you know that you'll never be able to access proper treatment to be physically and mentally recovered (my area and surroundings only have proper eating disorder help available to adolescents and I'm almost 23).

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    3. I would suggest you seek help. You shouldnt be ashamed of binging, HOWEVER you should realise it is a serious illness with serious consequences not to mention laxative abuse. As long as you restrict to compensate after a binge, you will end up binging again. What you instead need to do is to TRY to eat normally the day after a binge... doesnt matter if you ate 4000 or 7000kcal in a binge, if you restrict the next day that stresses your body and signals "starvation" for the body and to compensate you will be more likely to binge.
      You need to find ways to distract yourself from food and from binging and try to stick to a regular food schedule with enough carbs, fat and protein. Maybe are there certain foods you cant eat without binging? When i was recovering from binge eating there were certain foods i couldnt have at home, because if i ate just a little it was like this trigger went off in my head and then it was black and white thinking and from just eating 1 slice of bread i could end up eating 4000 kcal in just one sitting. So certain foods i couldnt eat as they triggered my binging and eventually i tried eating them again and more balanced and now i can eat bread without eating the whole package.
      But DO seek help, even if it means having to go further than just your closest health care place. This is your health and it is very hard to recover from an eating disorder on your own, however recovery chances increase when you get help. Also admitting you have a problem, you arent alone in going from restricting to binging, it happens to far more than you would think but many are too ashamed to admit it. So knowing you have a problem and wanting to get help. Also try eating with others and not eating alone. It is hard, but it is possible to recover but then you need to take each step ata time and distract yourself from binging and even if you do binge DONT take laxatives (post here: http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2014/01/laxative-abuse.html ) and dont restrict. Your weight may go up and it may take a long time to get hunger and fullness feelings back but as long as your eating goes up and down in extremes you wont find balance.

      I have quite alot of posts about binging, binge-restrict cycle, etc on my blog so if you search on my blog hopefully you will find some posts which can give you more advice.

      Recovery is possible but then you have to want it and have to make the changes necessary. I.e you cant keep doing what you are doing if you want to get better.

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    4. links to posts:
      http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/search?q=binge+eating (scroll down to see different posts)

      http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2016/10/anorexia-to-bulimia-masterpost.html

      http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2016/06/master-post-binging-and-purging-answer.html

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    5. Thanks for your response izzy, I appreciate it so much.

      It's not normally a certain food that triggers it, it normally happens if I just eat something extra than I've planned (sometimes I can get over it and move on but more often it's like a switch has just been flicked and I start eating everything) or if it's a day Where I'm feeling very irritable..

      I've been seeing my psychologist for two years (I was still a healthy weight then) and even though she's great I often get triggered by her scales because the weigh me at almost a kilo more than my own or anyone else's scales.
      I sometimes go to a support group for adults but it's hard for me to get to because it's at night time and I don't drive. I also have a child who is far to young to be left alone, my parents help out with him if I ask but I don't like to ask to much.

      Treatment where I am almost doesn't exsist. Even though I've been in hospital twice the phychiatrist etc even told me that no one there was trained to treat me and so they didn't really know what to do with me so the dietitian just sent me extra food and calorie dense snacks. I wasn't helped mentally at all each time and so as soon as I left I ended up losing almost all of the weight I'd gained.. if I was to go to a proper treatment facility (in Australia, it would cost thousands of dollars that I don't have and I would have to travel out of my state which means hours on a plane and a long time spent without my son and no one to visit me or anything. My parents try to understand but they don't know hardly anything about eating disorders or recovery and because they always see me restricting, when i binge they just think it's really good because I'm eating and don't realise it's just as disordered and makes me far worse mentally.

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  6. Hi Izzy - I saw on your Instagram that you were going to follow the FODMAP for a few days - I have been following these guidelines myself recently as I have been getting a lot of problems with bloating so knowing what foods could be the cause of this was helpful to me. I would be interested in reading how you get on with this yourself and whether it makes any difference to you? I have certainly found avoiding certain foods have helped me.
    maybe you could post how you get on with it on here?

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    1. I might write a post about it on here. However I'm not doing it because I suffer from ibs or bloating so I don't know how much difference I will notice as you need to follow the diet for several weeks and successively bring foods back. If anything I don't know if I will feel full or not as all the finer rich food and vegan protein sources will be gone haha. But I've done my research and I know how to build nourishing and filling meals with are vegan and according to FODMAP but it's definitely a challenge :)

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    2. I don't understand FODMAP it sounds super restrictive??

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    3. It is hahah and even more restrictive when you're vegan. But it's for school and it's only 3 days and it will be good experience and reflection. There were other "diets" to choose from but of course if someone has problem with food or other reasons they can't be forced to do this school assignment, instead they do something else:)

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    4. yes - I can understand that you will find it quite a challenge as you cannot have foods like beans and only lentils and chickpeas in small quantities. I found the knowledge of which foods to avoid helpful and now I still avoid certain vegetables which proved to be "triggers" for my IBS.
      So I hope you are feeling "creative" Izzy as I think you do indeed have a challenge ahead of you! Good luck!

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  7. A post on just how to try and boost your mood when you are feeling low. How to motivate yourself to get through the day when all you feel like doing in shutting yourself away. I know positive thinking helps but just how do you think positive when you are actually anything but?

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  8. How do you manage decision making? I have found since my ED for me to make a decision and stick to it is incredibly hard. I change my mind back and forth repeatedly until my head is just a "fuzz". And then I doubt my decision - is it the right one? And I play over all the "what ifs" in my head.
    Are there any tips /advice that would help me think clearer?

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  9. I`m sure you`ll feel better once you have finished your course and have the summer break. You are under a lot of stress what with school work and working and have lots of demands on your time - so its no wonder that you are finding it hard to live in the present when your mind is racing with things you have yet to do. So go easy on yourself and try not to worry about tomorrow, make the best of the day you have and most importantly try to make time just for you!
    I think the last few weeks before a break are always the hardest to get through - so stay strong and stay positive - you`ll get there :)

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  10. Hi Izzy!
    First of all- thank you so so much for your posts and instagram- it is helping me so much in my recovery!

    A year ago i relapsed, overexerice and not eating like i should. It only lasted like 2-3 months and then i started to slowly gain weight again.
    In january it stopped and i became vegan. I exercied during all this time but i was thinking that it was okay because i was gaining anyways. No period though but i stopped with the pill during same time as weight loss and the overexercise so maybe that is why it is still gone.
    Then now in april- i started gaining again! 3 kgs in 4 weeks time. And the belly bloat!!! I look pregnant! The degestion is totally off and i am constipated! Sorry for the info but i am panicing! Nothing is helping and i have been like this for 1 month now. And i keep gaining weight! And it never goes down- bloated 24/7. I also got bad acne and the whole body is getting bigger (weight gain)... i have read the phases of recovery post and i can see that it fits but it feel a little late?!? I thought i was done! And why doesnt it stopp!? I exercise alot- and i am eating (all vegan)! Anxitey is really bad. Feel really horrible in this body.
    I dont know what the question is really- i am just freaking out! Is it fat? Is it bloating? WHY am im gaining weight even though i exercise? When will the gaining stopp? Am i eating to much? To little? Why is my belly not working- like at all?! What is up with all this acne!? Will the bloating pass- like soon?
    Sorry for bad english, and long post. I just dont know what to do

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