Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Learning to say no without feeling guilty

Learning to say no.... why must it be so hard? I know many people who have no problem with saying "no" and saying what they want, i am not one of those people.

I am a people pleaser in a way - not as much as i used to be, but i still struggle with saying no and with work especially. Last year i never said no to work i took all the work that was given to me and that is the same plan i have for this summer, to work as much as i can, and i have already started doing that.

Yesterday however i got asked if i could work today *thursday* and it would be in total 3 hours of travelling back and forth from the store and my first thought was sure, i am *free*. But then before replying i was reminded of the fact that i do infact have school work to do which i havent done much of. I need to write my report and analys my food registration, i have lots of litterature to read and articles to find and read for my seminarium/presentation. With my work i never really know when i have work as they call me the day before or the same morning/1-2 hours before the work shift starts, so it could be that i say no to work and then dont work for 5 days after anyway (so would have had that free time), or it could be that i work 5 days straight (if i say yes to all the job offers). I never want to say no to work as i 1) enjoy working 2) dont mind working, 3) if i have the time why not, 4) i want the money (haha!), 5) i dont like saying no.

But in this scenario i knew i had to.... i have school work to do and i still have 2 weeks left of school which i need to priortize first and then in summer its free to work as much as i can. So i had to reply with a "no"..... however the amount of guilt i felt afterwards was shocking. Suddenly i thought "of course i can work, i can fit in the article reading on the train journey, i might have freetime in the weekend where i can do my work.... i should call back and say i will take the workshift" and those thoughts kept going for 3 hours afterwards until i realised that by that point they had already called someone else for the workshift and it wouldnt matter if i called back and said i could take the shift as i had already declined it.

I need to remember that it is ok to say no.... i am not a bad person for saying no. I am not a bad worker for saying no. I am not lazy or doing anything wrong and shouldnt feel ashamed even if that is EXACTLY how i felt... i felt like i was letting my boss down, i felt like i was being lazy and should be ashamed that i had to decline. And i KNOW that these thoughts and feelings are wrong, i shouldnt feel this way. I dont know how many conversations i have had with my family about this and how they keep reminding me that i need to learn to set my boundaries and say no if i need it.... because 99% of the time i wont, i have energy and enjoyment for work and will gladly do it, but that 1% of the time if i am exhausted or just need rest or if something else comes in the way i need to be ok with saying no.

Its a learning process... i will learn and i will grow. I willl be able to say no and be ok about it, not worry and feel anxiety over it. Instead move on and know i made the best decision. (Which brings me to the topic of making decisions which i was asked about and i am AWFUL at making decisions, but i might write a post about that another time.)

Do any of you struggle with the same thing? Do you have any advice or experience? I know i wrote similar posts last year, but this was on my mind and i needed to share it.... and maybe others are the same as me? Its a sort of "People pleaser - perfectionist" type of thing... dont want to let anyone down and feel like i should always maximise all the hours of the day and dont always put myself or my needs first. But i will learn!!


Here are some other links to posts about saying no & advice(from google)

Learning to say no without feeling guilty

3 comments:

  1. Oh i know exactly, what you mean. For me it is not only very difficult to say no to work, but also when it comes to meetin with friends. Lately, it is very hard for us to find an appointment to meet for styding and it is not because of me, but because someone wnats to travel back home, someone has no desire to meet etc. However, when they ask, when we wanna meet, i always say yes, even if it is after a long day of uni and work and i am completely exhausted. Eventually, we do not even meet, because someone says no at the end. My point is, how easy is for my friends to say no even to important things such as our study group, and for me. Some of them even said to me, oh you are always available. It was suppossed to be joke, but i felt rather sad, because in fact i have alsmost no freetime because of working, studying, sport etc. but because i am always saying yes to things people assume that i am lazying around. I think it has also something to do with maximalism - wanting to complete everything and please everyone. Probably we should sometimes just stop and take care of ourself, which is easier said than done.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I struggle with the same thing especially at work! Sometimes the teachers I'm working with give me 100+ papers to correct and alongside school work, it gets too much and I usually suffer afterwards. Sometimes I even push myself too hard to please people even if it was okay for them to take a longer time correcting the paper. But well, it's a learning process as you said and one day, we will be able to be more confident in ourselves. I also hate telling excuses because it makes me feel so lazy and then I think, did all the great successful people ever complain from having too much work to do? So I stress myself out. But what I realised is that it's better to be balanced and to take you're time making money and advancing in your career.. no need for the worry or anxiety. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. It is hard to say "no" to begin with but the more you do it the easier it becomes. To start with saying "no" means you feel as though you are letting that person/people down and you feel so guilty. Then you begin to doubt your reasons for wanting to say "no" in the first place, like those reasons suddenly aren't justifiable or valid any more. But what you need to remember is that you are saying "no" for very good reasons - maybe saying "yes" would make your own life more stressful than it needs to be or there are other importnant things you have to do. And the workplace often won`t think any more of you for always saying "yes" so unless you are striving hard to progress with your own career or personal goals, saying "no" is perfectly ok and you shouldn't feel guilty!
    My partner found it very hard to say "no" at his place of work and gradually over time people took him more and more for granted. They even used to ring him about problems at work or ask him to come in when he was on days off or holidays from work and he also used to bring work home with him to get done during holidays/days off. He used to start two hours earlier than his official start time too just to open up and get the place ready for the day ahead. All this took its toll on him and he became more and more stressed out - plus he was exhausted as he never got a proper break, there was always something. He has now learnt to say "no" however and he is a lot happier as a result. He starts at a more respectable time every day now and people have stopped assuming he will do everything. That doesn't mean to say he doesn't care anymore, he does, and still does more than his job description demands but overall he is a lot better. Saying "no" more times than saying "yes" has given him his life back and it hasn't changed how he is thought of at work negatively either.
    You have to sort of get the balance right. If you have pressing needs of your own then those need to take priority and theres no point in disregarding those needs as saying "yes" to something will give you a feeling of resentment over time.
    Value your own reasons and remember it is perfectly ok to say "no" sometimes. No one expects someone to be available 24/7 and if they do then they are simply taking advantage of your good nature. Its really all about having belief and feeling worth in yourself!

    ReplyDelete