Not related but I really really need help with coping with the trauma of having recovered. Not so much the fact of having an eating disorder and now being better, but the hospital and the the appointments. I just want to forget that I was ever in hospital. It was the worst time of my life and I feel horrible and dirty and mortified when I think of the things my family saw like me in a wheelchair and those ghastly appointments like I hate that they might still see me in that way. I felt like a stupid animal being forced to the vets or something. I cannot describe how much I hated one of the nurses I was assigned just the thought of his disgusting patronising voice ruins my day. I just feel these horrible memories of last summer RUIN MY LIFE FOREVER. I try to not think about it and then when I do it's horrible like even the things that were the better parts of the time now make me feel really really upset. I just cannot explain it does anyone understand?????? I just wish that everyone would forget that ever happened
I don't want these memories they make my life miserable like I can be doing alright and then I'm suddenly back on that ward and I hate it I feel like a freak and it impacts socially too
And just I'm really upset that this will be ruining my life forever
Ive written some posts about this subject HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE and HERE
I know exactly what you mean and i have suffered the same feeling and thoughts and all i can say is that time heals all wounds. Of course i can say that i am still scarred in some sense from my time in hospital, it was something that was very traumatic and scarring in some sense. I still get anxiety and panic attacks when going to the hospital, i dont like or trust doctors, i cant talk to therapists and at times i get nightmares that i am locked up in hospital again... one of my biggest fears and unfortunatly there might be times that i have to be inpatient because of my CF health and that scares me so incredibly. I have been threatened to go into inpatient care i.e get 2 weeks of IV antibiotics for my CF health care but it terrified me so much that i got to just take normal antibiotics instead. Ive spent alot of time in hospital because of my CF but the 1,5 years i spent as inpatient/day patient in the different eating disorder treatment centres did sort of fuck me up in some sense and for pretty much 3 years after i was released from Mando i couldnt sleep away from home... i didnt like travelling for many reasons but one of them was that i didnt like sleep in someone elses bed/away from home, i would rather travel home at 3am in the morning than to sleep at a friends house. And it wasnt until i was together with my boyfriend at the time that i actually felt ok sleeping somewhere else than my own bed. But the nightmares of being trapped in hospital again still scare me, and my freedom tattoo also represents being free from hospital.
And when it comes to hospital appointments, one day you will be free from them. I still go a follow up program at Mando i.e in autumn it will be my last time forever (!!!) as that will be my 5th year of the follow up program but i still HATE going there. I dislike seeing the staff and certain staff members there impacted me so negatively and i still despise them in someway because they treated me like an animal.... they didnt treat me like a human being with feelings or emotions instead they spoke over my head and didnt take my thoughts or what i said into consideration and that still bothers me. Sure i was sick, but i was still a human being who needed to be listened to. Of course i wont go into detail of what they said or how they treated me but i can say that it was not right and there were times my mum had to step in because their behaviour was not how it should have been. However i also know that all the staff and doctors were doing their job and trying to help me, so 98% of the all the doctors and staff i just forgive and move on and am thankful for their help, but a few staff from the different places i have been at, thinking about them can make me angry.