If someone told me 2 years ago that i had moved away from home - finally - and lived in 2 different cities and gone to two different universities. Not to mention become more social and open and made new friends, i would not have believed them. Also that i would be happy and capable of living on my own and dealing with stress and not feeling isolated or lonely or suicidal, but actually able to live a functioning life.
If someone told me 3 years ago that i had gone vegan and no longer ate chicken, quark or eggs i would have laughed and said that would never happen.
If someone told me 4 years ago that i can make friends in school, i can meet new people and try new things and step outside of my comfort zone in so many different ways both with work, school, life, health, friends etc i would not have believed them.
If someone told me 5 years ago that there are different forms of training than just cardio machines, not to mention more training than just going to a gym everyday i would have slightly panicked and thought "what is exercise and does it even count if its not 1-2 hours cardio?"
If someone told me 5 years ago that i could eat normally, that i could eat without restriting, eat without purging or binging, eat without compensating, eat without feeling guilty i would have thought they were straight up lying, because i could see no way that was possible for me. No way i could be free from the obsessive and controlling thoughts in my head and the constant guilt and anxiety connected with food, life, control and my body.
If someone told me 6 years ago that i could eat normally and care free, i could live a life i had only dreamed of and that i was no longer stuck in hospital i would have thought it was impossible, that i would have died before that became a reality.
If someone told me 7 years ago that i could love my body and no longer want to change it. .That i no longer cared about a number on the scale, no longer cared about bloating or having fat on my body, no longer cared about bones showing or wanting to disappear and not take up place, i would have wondered how that is even a possible reality when i hated my body and myself so much.
If someone told me 8 years ago that i would be a strong, independant woman who loves herself and loves life and deals with the ups and downs of life i would have thought the person was lying and that that was not a reality for me, just a dream. I was a shy girl, an introverted girl (which i still am in some way) but life has made me tough and strong both physically and mentally and i am strong and independant and can deal with life and not use destructive behaviours to cope.
Life may seem tough now.... i know how tough it is when you are struggling but one day you may look back, just like im doing now and realised that your dreams now, can be a reality in the future. But it also means change and working towards that new reality. You cant expect things to be different if you dont change them.
Time passes, day by day, month by month, year by year. Im not saying this to stress you out, but to remind you that you can CHANGE... anytime, its all up to you and whether you like it or not, the days or passing and its up to you to make the best of those days and the best of your life.
You wont ever regret FULL/REAL recovery, but you will regret staying sick. (Because yes, even if you didnt choose to become sick you ALWAYS have the choice to become healthy and each day you dont make steps towards recovery you are choosing to stay sick.)
So decide to make a change and even if it takes time, even if it takes months or years you will thank yourself.
I am happy that i kept going, i am happy that i didnt give up or didnt decide that in 2015 or 2016 everything was too much and i rather not keep going. But i did and here i am now, so much happier and healthier and almost a year (c.a 9-10 months) of being "free" from depression/depressive thoughts and i am living a much better life which i could only dream of back then!!
So keep going and make changes!