Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Weight and the number on the scale

Ive gone back and forward whether i should write and press publish on this post but i have finally choosen to press publish. This post might be interpreted in the wrong way, but hopefully it wont. Mostly it is thoughts and i think its important to share them, to be honest but also to show my self reflection and the "bigger picture".

Image result for number on the scale

So... i dont weigh myself, i dont have a scale at home or anywhere i can weigh myself. I dont care about the number either. I know that my weight goes up and down2-3kg depending on water, food i ate, hormones, stress etc However my weight has been stable mostly throughout the years. Last summer though i ended up losing a whole bunch of weight but managed to regain 70-80% of it again and have mainted that weight since... a healthy weight. Ive never cared about the number on the scale, whether it says X or Y, it was more about feeling healthy and happy and when i had lost that unintentional weight i DID NOT feel good. So my main reason to gain weight again was 1) for better health and because being underweight or close to underweight is not healthy/a good idea, 2) to regain strength and confidence, 3) more energy and feel happier and healthier. And all of those things i achieved - strength, energy, confidence, happiness again with the weight gain.  And since autumn when i had regained the weight i have been a stable weight, up and down a few kilo.

Today however when i was at the CF clinic it was time to be weighed again and i saw that i was at my highest weight ive been for more than a year. It didnt bother me when i saw the number i just thought, oh ok, thats just a number just like my height or age. But then later the after thoughts came wondering...  Why have i gained weight? What have i done that has made me gained weight? Was it water, fat or muscle? Of course right about there i realised where my thoughts were heading... i realised that if i let those thoughts go further they would become negative ones.

The number on the scale.... what does it measure? It measures my mass everything included - the clothes i had on, the huge amount of water retention and bloating i have at the moment, it measures my bones, my muscles, my fat. It says a number and that number really doesnt mean so much. Of course weight does help to tell whether a person is very underweight or overweight, but otherwise not so much. What matters is that a person feels healthy.... and i definitely do (well aside from the past 48 hours! hahah) The past few months ive been happy, healthy, confident, strong, energetic. Will i let a number on the scale affect me, no of course not... i have not let a number on the scale affect me in 5 years.

But i felt it was important to write this post nonetheless... to show the after thoughts. Yes i am recovered, yes i am healthy, but i am not ashamed that for a few moments i had these thoughts... were they disordered or eating disordered, no... but they werent positive or healthy ones anyway. They werent my normal thoughts.

I dont weigh myself because i dont see the point. As mentioned earlier, how i feel is the most important. If i were to suddenly begin losing or gaining a bunch of weight it would of course be something to consider or think about when it comes to behaviour or habits, but fluctuations in weight is normal. Weight gain and weight loss can happen throughout life, and its just to accept that... as long as they arent extreme (unless necessary) its not something you should let affect you!!

So.... i had my "negative thought moment", my self reflection and changing my thoughts i.e thinking more like myself (hahah), and time to write and reflect on this post and maybe it can help in some weird way. To remind you that if you do get negative types of thoughts or feel bad about your weight CHANGE THOSE THOUGHTS. The number on the scale really doesnt mean so much, instead think about how you feel.... or the positive things! (Of course weight gain doesnt always equal positivity some people in recovery can feel they get more tired, slow, unmotivated, unhappy with the weight gain but that can be due to other things and i can get into that in another post if you want!)


Image result for number on the scale

9 comments:

  1. Hey Izzy! I appreciate your honesty in this post. I think it's so important to remember that just because you are recovered, and have been for so long, that doesn't mean you never have negative thoughts. Also, the fact that you might have them every now and then doesn't mean your not strong or courageous or an Ed warrior, it just means you're human! I think it's apparent through your blog how body positive you usually are and how diligent you are in being free from ED and in inspiring others to be the same��

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  2. Nice post, thank you, Izzy. I have given up weighing. At first I missed it, now I hope never ever to know the number again! Your attitude to body and weight give me confidence to let my body do what it likes. <3

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  3. I think that having those thoughts "why have I gained weight" etc are actually thoughts that most people in this day and age have. I know my dad a few years ago gained a stone and was sort of wondering how, since he has eaten the same things over the past few years (he is the sort of dude who sticks to one thing haha). He concluded that it was his metabolism as he was getting older and moved on. But I've seen this with other people too, who consider themselves to have a healthy relationship with food... I think there can be blurred lines when you're in recovery from an eating disorder or depression as to what "normal" is- for example for ages I never let anyone at work think I ever had bad days because I was so terrified that they would work out that I have depression. But all my colleagues are honest when they are having a bad day and then move on from it!!

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  4. Yes, a post about the emotions and how to handle them and your thoughts during weight gain would be very useful as it is something I have been struggling with.

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  5. I have managed to gain a little weight and I was very anxious about this at first and began restricting again. But as time passes I am beginning to realise that I actually feel awhole lot better in myself even though its only a little gain. I don`t feel so tired all the time. So I am learning to see the extra weight as a positve thing, rather than a negative.

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  6. Hi, Izzy, this may be an unfortunate post to comment on with this, but I really wanted to ask... I have been refeeding for quite a while and steadily gaining weight per week, but then we went on a family trip and the other day we did some whole lot of work around our lawn... which together, although I thought I was eating wholesome cooked meals, resulted in losing 2 kilos. My mum told me off a little as she was worried but I took it personally and later got into mindset that it's now or never and started eating more. Not to the point of feeling naseous, but just more. And after half a week later I found of that I gained more than those kg lost. I know that some anorexic patients tend to gain rapidly in their early phase and I was curious if I gained so rapidly because of sudden increase... even though it's true other patients gain so at less than 2k... just a random thought, but I'd be grateful to everyone who can answer.

    Also, I'm not thinking about restricting.

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    1. Everyone will be different on how they gain/lose. I can't imagine that you are actually eating that much more than what you formerly were...that is enough to actually gain weight. Remember it (theoretically) takes 3500 to gain 1 pound. Most likely you are just experience extra water weight/food in your system.
      Glad that you are increasing, keep up the good work!

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    2. I found that when I started to increase my intake I gained quickly too. But it was only temporary and didn't last - it soon slowed down to "normal" again. Your body adjusts to the extra food, that's why you have to keep increasing intake if you want to gain weight. I put mine down to having extra water and food in my system rather than all down to extra calories as my increase was only fairly small, not enough to warrant the speed of weight gain in such a short period.
      I hope this reassures you and carry on with the good work xxx

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