But moving onto the actual topic of this post. I have realised that in the past 6-8 months i have been more open about my struggles in real life. I havent been scared or worried to tell my sister that i had an awful day and had anxiety from morning to evening. Im not scared to tell my mum that i had an anxiety attack. Not scared to randomly bring up the fact that i once got so stressed and anxious over how many messages i was getting that i stopped repling to all messages - when talking to my friends. Not scared to admit that i struggled with eating disoders, exercise addiction and depression when talking about those topics in school.
The more years that pass since i recovered and the more mature and confident i feel the more "ok" i feel with my past. I dont feel like i have to hide it, but also i dont feel as much that i have to be ashamed about my current struggles. We all have our struggles. Others in my class get anxiety or panic attacks, others have "hit the wall" in the past, others have struggled with depression or eating disorders in the past.... and so many other struggles which you really wouldnt know about a person unless you talked to them. I mean most people would not guess or presume that i struggled so much in the past if they look at me now or spend time with me. But also im pretty sure they wouldnt guess that just a year ago i was suicidal and ready to give up, or that i still struggle with anxiety at times. I manage those things well and dont let them affect my life too much, i still try to live my life and be as normal as possible even on the days i have anxiety or even on the days that my CF affects my life a little too much.
Everyone has struggles.
In life at the moment i am opening up more... not feeling ashamed or like i need to hide that i have had a bad day. Of course i dont just bring it up out of the blue or randomly, and there is a time and place for everything. Example if my sister is talking about how she has had an awful day or she just wants to rant to me then i dont personally feel like bringing up the negatives in my life/day as that doesnt help the situation. But if she asks "how are you, how has your day been" im not scared to talk about the highs or the lows. Everyone has ups and downs and its nothing to be ashamed about.
I feel like by being silent and not talking about it (at the right times!) it just adds to the stigma and taboo-ness of mental illness. People are ashamed and embarrassed, and of course i am at times as well... sometimes i think, i cant write about having anxiety or struggles in the past because it will affect me getting a job if my future manager finds my blog. But then i realise that sure i struggle, but it doesnt affect my life too much.... i might want to stay in bed all day but i get up and go to school anyway because i know i need to. Of course this is just me, i know others who struggle who cant get out of bed at all on their bad days... so everyone struggles differently.
Anyway, before this post gets too long i just wanted to write out these thoughts. Realising that i am not feeling as ashamed or silent about my struggles. I dont need to boast (??) about them, but i dont need to hide them either. Its ok to struggle, but you also need to pick yourself up and keep going regardless, and not be scared to ask for help when you need it!!
I LOVE this post. Emotional maturity is a wonderful gift as we get older, and you are really coming into your own :) Our society tells us to handle everything independently, in silence, to be our own solutions - but this goes against our very biology! Humans are pack animals who thrive on community and connection. We actually release all kinds of reward chemicals when we are in emotional contact with another human, either giving or seeking support. It's fascinating. That feel-good feeling of talking to someone who loves us is more than just an emotional response,it's physical. I'm really happy to hear you are opening up to your support network and being honest. This I going to serve you well in the future. I look back on my own life how and wonder why the heck I ever tried to go it alone for so long. For humans, our strength comes in large part from our community.
ReplyDeleteI have learnt just recently too that there is no shame attached to admiiting you are struggling and needing help from other people. Rather it is a strength rather than a weakness and most people are only too willing to listen to you and perhaps help. The fact that you are acknowledging your struggle and reaching out for solutions rather than solidiering on alone is a mark of maturity and acceptance I believe. Being able to talk to your family about things also brings you closer.
ReplyDeleteI don`t know why we have this mindset that if we struggle to stay quiet about it - if I had opened up about things earlier I`m sure my life would have been a lot easier. We don`t have to suffer in silence, its good to talk!
Hi! This comment has nothing to do with your post but i have a question. So one year ago when i was almost at the same weight as now I had horribke stomach pains. Pains last about 12hours to 2days at once and thay could become 3x a week or twise a month. Well then i relapced with anorexia and also the pains disappeared. Now I am almost at the same weight as then (little higher) and just weight restored. Few days ago the pains came back. Yesterday was okay but last night pains get horrible again and during the day they have getting bit better and worser all the time. Last year my doctor tried to solve what was the reason for those pains but she didn't know. Do you think this can just be part of recovery progress and will this go away? (I know this is not normal bloating pain in recovery which i had earlier when i was in lower weight) I know you are not a doctor but i just think that maybe you have same kind of experience or know something about this. Thank you for the answer already!
ReplyDeleteI have a very similar story to yours. I would say its about the body and digestive system getting back to normal after ED and its restrictions, getting used to adequate food again. Its miserable but I`m hanging on to the thought that it will pass.
DeleteI would be interested in hearing Izzys view though.
Thank you so much for your reply! This already give me peace of mind!
DeleteWhen it comes to stomach pains it is so individual and can be caused by a number facts so its extremely hard to say what it can or could be. So the best is to go to a doctor who you can tell all your symptoms, signs, pains etc to and they can help you better.
DeleteStomach pain can be caused by intolerance to foods or if you have IBS or different digestion problems. Or it could be caused by stress or anxiety, or if its a recovery thing and the body is just adapting to the food intake. Or it could be hormonal/your period or anything else so its very hard to say what it could be. And if its pain that is stopping you from living life/doing normal daily things its best to go to another doctor :)
Sometimes when it comes to stomach pain its just to notice what triggers it whether its a certain food or situation or a certain emotion/feeling you have etc but its a learnig process, unless its due to a certain illness where you will then be told what to do/avoid to help :)
What a wonderful post! so inspiring! Thank you!
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