Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

What made me want to recover? Going to a therapist?

Did you talk to any therapists while recovering? What do you think was the biggest thing that made you realised that you want to be healthy?

Yes, over the course of 2 years when i went to different treatment centres i have talked to 4 different therapists, and they all said the same thing "they cant help me", or "come back when im ready to talk." I didnt like any of the therapists i met, however that might have been because i didnt want help, i didnt talk or say anything. I would sit and wait for the time to be up. The only things i ever really said was "i am not sick" or "i dont need help"... and maybe some other things, but very little was said and i didnt open up or accept the help, so of course a therapist couldnt help me. I do personally recommend therapy to others as i believe it works well, but it only works if you open up and talk and recieve help. I never wanted advice or help or to talk - but i am pretty sure it would have done me good. But instead i stuck to blogging to express my thoughts and emotions and that also worked well :)



One of my biggest motivators to become healthy was my sister. I wanted to live a life like her... to be in school, to have friends, to have a boyfriend, to workout... to eat what i was hungry and stop when i was full, to be happy and live life. Of course that doesnt mean that my sister has had an easy life, infact me being sick has effected her in so many ways and it wasnt easy for her. But i always say her life as easy and a life i wanted as well. 
I remember rather clearly (one of the few clear memories i have from my time at Mando - the rest is a blur ) sitting in the sofa in the day room after my 4th (?) time as an inpatient at Mando and i was so mentally and physically exhausted. My whole body ached, my mind was slow and tired and i sat there and just thought "How strange is it that all of us sitting here are here because we dont want to eat. Something that pretty much everyone else loves to do." (Of course, maybe not in that exact phrase!), but also i realised... for the past year i had just been in hospital because i didnt want to eat. I realised that i could sit in hospital, skinny and refusing to eat, or i could be out living life and having a heavier weight. I just thought to myself, I hate myself now and hate how i look now so what does it really matter. 

"Freedom" and "dont let the sadness of your past or the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present" are 2 of my 5 tattoos that mean so much to me and about my past!

My motivation to recover was to have a life.... to be a teenager, not spend even more time in hospital and wasting my life. I wanted freedom, i wanted to live life even if life scared me incredbly. I wanted to be "just like everyone else", because all my life i had always been the "sick one" and i didnt want that anymore. 

Of course motivation to actually recover wavered up and down and living life wasnt always a motivation... but it was just to take each day as it came and try to focus on the positives of recovery and how my life was getting better and all the things i could do as i got healthier. Somedays all i did was survive, otherdays i lived. I did also relapse during 2012 - when my recovery motivation just wasnt strong enough - but eventually i found my strength and motivation again and kept fighting! 

For me, life and reaching my goals and dreams has always been my motivation to keep going. But also my dog... during the darkest of times, both during my eating disorder and last year with my depression, the only thing that kept me alive was my dog. I felt like i had given up on everything and nothing seemed worth it, but when i thought about leaving my dog and never seeing my dog again i felt like i couldnt do that, but also my blog has always been a motivation for me. Knowing i am helping people, and i remember during my relapse in 2012 (which i never wrote about back then) i just thought i cant let my readers down. I have to show im strong, i have to inspire others, and my blog helped me back on track again as well as having readers who called me out on my bullshit, hahaha. 



A long post, but i would love to know YOUR motivation for recovery? Is it life, family, friends, YOURSELF (the most important one!), school.... Share your motivation recovery to inspire others :)

23 comments:

  1. Izzy, I was reading my notebook and I just realised something. My hair isn't falling out anymore! At the end of a shower, I used to have a fist fall of clumped hair to throw in the bin. It would come out if I just brushed my fingers through it. For a couple weeks now, I haven't even thought about my hair coming out in the shower. Nothing has gotten stuck in the drain, there's been nothing for me to throw out. I forgot that it was even happening! I'm so happy right now. :)

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    1. That is amazing :) and a sign that your body is getting healthier and stronger and getting nourishment!! I'm so proud of you <3 hopefully you will keep seeing all the positives about recovery and motivate you even more!!!

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  2. I never hated my body nor my life while being so called sick (I really dont like that term, sorry, hah). I DID restrict food and was quite underweight but I was enjoying every day, was happy, was meeting friends itd itd (i had a lot of time for fun things because high school was easy comparing to college now, so i was free and happy)
    I was restricting because in some way it made me feel safe (i dont know from what xD) I decided to gain weight simply because I didnt want my family to worry about me. Oh yes and because my hair was falling of. (actually my only reason to not lose weight again is a fear of losing my hair....I know i know, feel free to judge me...).
    So, I did gain weight and everything stay exactly the same, except now Im weighing and eatint more. And im not so happy as i used to be but not because my weight or body or anything ed related but because i dont have time for fun and life anymore cause college work is enormous...
    Sooo I dont know if it even was anorexia hah...cause i was never diagnosed. Oh I dont know why im sharing this, but i just had the need to...Sorry if it bothered anyone..!!!
    Have a nice day, Izzy, and everyone who reads this. <3 Izzy, your blog is fantastic!

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    1. Eating disorders are individual and not just about losing weight or body image. It can be about control, safety, running from problems. Maybe you can try to make time for more fun things? Take some time each week to do something fun or have a goal to look forward to? Life isn't always easy even if you recover from an eating disorder, but it's usually a lot better than suffering as well. I hope you can find happiness again and find that life is fun and worth it!!!

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    2. Thank you so much for encouraging answer <3 :)

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  3. For me it was suddenly being able to see myself for what I had become - which was far too skinny/underweight and looking ill. It was a "light switch moment" that really hit home, plus just knowing that I could do something about it - I didn't have to look this way and it was all down to me to make changes. And believing that I was capable of making those changes. I don`t know why I was suddenly able to see myself but I am so thankful that I did - and I still wonder how/why to this day how I came to be in so much denial before.

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    1. Sometimes it is like something just changes in your brain and you see things for how they are - and that is great motivation. To realise that you actually CAN change your situation, but also to see your situation as it is... and not just covered in a mask (i.e that your ED makes things seem better than they are).
      When you are sick, you are in denial... you dont see things like people from the outside do. But one day its like that light switch changes!! :)

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  4. Hi Izzy - I have just got an omega 3 supplement and it says on the pack take with either a drink of milk or orange juice. I`m not too keen on either and I was wondering if you knew why the tablets had to be taken with this? Would it really matter if I just took them with water?

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    1. Omega 3 is fat soluble so should be taken with some form of "fat" for best absorption :) take one when you eat food that contains fat :) also some vitamins can make you feel nauseous if you take them on an empty stomach or without food.

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  5. Dear Izzy,
    my motivation is still to sometimes be able to have a family. I know there is only one way to make that possible and I´m on a good track.
    I try to implement at least one challenge into each week. So yesterday my boyfriend and me had burgers. For the first time in I think 12 years I ordered a burger! I could enjoy it for most of the time. This moments I´m working for.
    Have a nice day!

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    1. That is awesome motivation and a goal you can hang onto!! One day I'm sure you will have a family and be so proud that you never gave up!!! I'm so glad to hear that you were able to eat and enjoy that burger:) think of all the progress you can and will make and how many more delicious burgers you can eat in your lifetime without anxiety or guilt!!

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    2. Thank you so much for your kind words. You are so absolutely right. And in the end it´s not only the delicious food. The greatest benefit is that I am able to have lazy breakfasts on the weekends with my boyfriend, that I can eat my lunch together with my colleagues without even thinking about NOT eating. Izzy you really are motivating for many many people including me. No matter how short or from your point of you trivial a post is, I can find in every single one a good inspiration. Keep going! Love from Aachen, Germany

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  6. Izzy, how did your family and doctors/dietitians react when you decided that you want to recover and started to eat more?

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    1. I was in treatment so had a meal plan to follow and before choosing to recover I would cheat with my meal plan and skip meals and eat less. So when I choose to recover I stopped doing those things and began to actually eat on my own and not lie about eating. So most of the first steps of recovery and wanting to recover nobody knew about them as I had been lying about recovery and what I did and didn't do for so long. But acroons speak louder than words so eventually I earned more trust and freedom from my mum and the doctors when they saw that I was making progress! They were of course very happy:)

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    2. Hi, Izzy! I am on the road of recovery currently and really want to recover. However, I find so hard to follow my meal plan that the urges to manipulate and eat less keep controlling me. What can I do to stop those behaviors?

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  7. My biggest motivation to recover was your blog :) seriously, you've helped me so much!! I wanted to be free as you are and when I was down I remembered your words, your posts and it was easier to get up and make a change :)

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    1. You are so sweet and I'm just so happy that I've been able to help and inspire! That keeps me motivated to continue blogging. But remember all the hard work and decision to keep fighting has been made by you!!

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  8. I started seeing a psychiatrist earlier this month, and she asked me to write a list about why I want to recover and a list about why I DON'T want to recover...and thinking about it, I haven't been able to come up with any legitimate sounding reasons why I shouldn't recover. That happened just recently, but it's really been motivating me to challenge myself an die more flexible with my eating.
    I want to recover so I can feel strong when I dance. I want to be confident. I want to have my leggings and bras fit properly. I don't want my mom to worry about me when I'm away for school. I want to go to my favourite dessert shop and order what I want, and not what I think is the healthiest or has the least calories.
    I truly have a lot of reasons to recover and I feel like I'm getting better everyday!

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    1. That is awesome advice that your psychiatrist gave... i often give that advice as well. Because in all honesty, the reasons to not recover are nver that strong or good, especially not if you compare them to all the reasons why you should recover!!!

      And alll those motivators are awesome, and one day you will be able to reach them all... be able to go to your favourite food place and order what you are craving and want right then, to be able to feel confident and happy again!! Stay motivated and notice all the positives about recovery :)

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  9. My biggest motivation was when my period stopped and I saw the worry in my parents eyes and then realised how far I've gone. Also, I had many family problems in my past and a huge goal for me was to have kids and nurture them with love and support. Losing my period kind of stole my dream away from me and it had been a huge wake up call. Also, I always wanted to help people love their selves and invest in their potentials, somethings that I lacked and I realised that I could never do it without loving myself entirely and feeling complete on the inside. That was my motivation and thankfully, my period just came back a few days ago and now I'm so grateful and loving to my body. :)

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    1. Congratulations on getting your period back :) It might be irregular in the beginning, but if you keep trying to stay/be healthy then it should become regular and make it possible for you to hopefully have children in the future :) And so true... you have to be able to follow your own advice as well!!! And its hard to help others if you cant help yourself.

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  10. A few years ago wen we used to do our weekly food shop we used to get a snack/treat to eat on the drive home - and I always used to get a custard filled doughnut. I wanted to be able to do that again without feeling guilt and doubts that I should be having it- I wanted to be free to eat whatever I fancied! I never had any hang ups about food at that time I wanted that state of mind back.
    A trivial reason to recover but it was mine!

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  11. I love these posts - they give so much inspiration and encouragement to stick with recovery. Could you do these more often Izzy? I`m sure a lot of your readers are inspired to keep going when they read posts like this.

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