You may be struggling now, but remember that the struggles make you stronger. And that one day you will look back and be thankful that you kept going and kept fighting.
I may not remember everytime I struggled or remember every recovery choice I made but I can say that I am proud of my past self for making those choices so that I can be the person I am today. I am thankful that I kept fighting.
There are certain times though that I made a recovery choice and I am so thankful that I did.
The time I had planned a run after school and when I got home I didn't feel like running but forced myself out to do it and 10 minutes into the run I broke down crying because I really didn't want to, and I knew what I was doing was wrong. So instead I headed home and asked my mum to buy a Ben and Jerry's I've cream for me... and that day I faced several fears, I. E not doing a planned workout, eating a fear food and also on a day I didn't workout, and also being able to ask for a food and admit I wanted ice cream.
Also the time I went to a cafe with my mum and I had ordered some type of pie and she had ordered soy ice cream and when I got the pie it tasted awful and it felt so wrong to eat something I didn't like, so the anxiety got the better of me but I liked the ice cream my mum had ordered so I asked her if we could swap because I needed to face my fear and fight my anorexia, but I wanted to eat something I enjoyed and so I got to eat the ice cream and enjoy it and made me feel less guilty as it was something I actually liked.
The time I ordered a cappuccino instead of a black coffee like I had done for years.
The time I went food shopping with my mum and after 45 minutes of worrying and contemplating finally asked her if I could buy some chocolate.... I had felt ashamed and embarrassed and didn't want to admit that I wanted chocolate as I saw it as a sign of weakness. But she was just happy and let me buy as much chocolate as I wanted.... of course eating the chocolate was the next step but admitting to cravings and not being ashamed. And the next step also was to be able to buy the chocolate myself and not feel ashamed or judged by the cashier.
And then there were also the recovery steps of actually using butter or oil when cooking and eating the food myself. As well as being able to eat food cooked by others and even going out to eat.
So many recovery steps and choices and all of them made me stronger. At the time it was awful and I had anxiety before, during and after but of course future self thanks the past me for being strong enough to make those choices and progress. Because now it's not even a thought when I use oik to try my food or add 1dl milk to my coffee or to rest when I don't want to exercise or to buy chocolate whenever I want it without feeling ashamed, judged or guilty.
All those small steps and choices lead to the final result of healthy and free. Of course it's a mind set change but all those small steps add up. Think how differently life could be in 6 months if you everyday go against the anxiety and fear!!
Your future self will thank you and be so proud of you!!! The only way to get better is to make those changes and face the fears!!