Time for another "my thoughts" and ramble post.
Usually when i post things on my other social media there isnt so much thought behind it, i just post... and 80% of the time its the same with my blog. Im not one of those people who spend hours or days planning or making posts... i just write when i get creativity or just post a picture of my food when im eating it. Of course this has its positives and negatives, i mean i am sure i could be more successful with social media if i were to put more time and effort into it and try to make it more perfect and thought out. But i have come to the stage in my life where social media isnt my life and it shouldnt take up more time than necessary - not at right now anyway, its something i enjoy and do because i enjoy but i dont want to base my life or my worth on numbers, likes or followers... but to use social media to help and influence as much as possible. I want to make a difference with my social media, but at the same time i also sort of post what i want (within my choosen theme) and enjoy doing that.
However i have also begun to think about... who follows me. The past 6 months i have begun to write less personal posts and have had to double think alot about what i post online and limit what i write about in my personal life, but also how i am feeling. This is because i have thought about who reads my blog.... i.e when apartment searching, applying for jobs, people i date/will date or even just friends might google my name and then my blog comes up. And this has had its consequences unfortunatly... it shouldnt be that way but people have judged me which makes me sad. However i wont stop blogging because of that, i love blogging and if anyone judges me based on it then that is there problem. I dont personally think i do anything wrong with blogging and as long as i dont write negatively or write about other people it shouldnt be a problem.
However i have begun thinking about how do i portray myself? I think at times i can write about myself in a rather negative way or because i just write about times when i have anxiety or struggling when that isnt the case for the majority of the time? I really should write more often about all the good times and good moments and how happy i am.. not about the times i have anxiety or struggling, because that isnt really who i am. I am strong, happy, independant, healthy.... and sure i struggle with anxiety, low self esteem and have 99% recovered from depression and 100% recovered from my eating disorders, but i am more than that.
Also i have begun thinking about... am i ashamed about my struggles. I dont personally speak about them and have always kept them a secret, however people in my class and new people i meet stumble across my IG and that leads them to blog or they just read my bio and they find out about my past struggles and i do find it a little uncomfortable. But at the same time i have choosen to be public and open and i shouldnt be ashamed, instead i should be proud of who i am today. And by being ashamed that is adding to the stigmatization of mental illness when instead i should just be open and be ok with people who sort of know me to know about my past. But it is also such a personal thing.... its so strange how i am fine with random people knowing and seeing pictures and reading my posts, but when it comes to someone in my class or someone who sort of knows me and they read my blog or post, that feels even worse? Strange how i feel that way.
I shouldnt feel ashamed, but also i have choosen to be open and public. And i just have to accept that people who know me and will know me will one way or another stumble across my social media, i am not anonymous and my struggles arent something i should be ashamed of. I shouldnt have to hide that i do struggle with anxiety or certain struggles i have in my daily life. But i do also have to be aware about who reads my blog/follows me on social media, how i portray myself and i cant write whatever like i once did in the past, but i dont have to have a complete filter... i just need to double think sometimes.
So if you think i am distant or not as open its just because i am a little more aware about who follows me and what i should or shouldnt/can or cant write/share online :) But i am still open and always honest, but somethings just cant be shared online anymore.
And i am not going to be ashamed or embarrassed, i struggled in the past, i had a tough childhood and growing up and i still struggle at times... but everyone struggles with something and thats ok!!!