Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Feeling like you're living a lie?

You seem a bit like me in the sense that youve said not a lot of people know you had anorexia, CF, overdosed, etc. For me, my mum and brother know, my family that i choose not to talk to know a little bit because they where onxe involved bc apparenltly it was my mums fault i was unwell... well that didint work!!

Anyway, i have a hard time living because it feels like im living a lie. Ive moved high schools 5 times and every time i have to lie about hqving a normal life.... how do you cope with this?



I think this is a really interesting question so i thought i would begin by answering this one. When i first read your question my initial thought was "i dont feel like i am living a lie", and that is because NOW i amnt. People dont need to know about my past with anorexia or depression and they dont need to know about my CF either, i dont feel like i am lying if i dont tell people, of course im sure future partners i will tell, and i have told a friend of mine here at university because the topic came up. Its nothing i am ashamed or trying to hide, more that i dont see the point in sharing it if it isnt necessary. However when i was struggling with depression i definitely felt like i was living a lie, both at home, in my relationship, in school and then when i was working during summer as well.... i was getting better during summer but i definitely felt like a lie sometimes when pretending to be happy and energetic when i was definitely not. (However, working did help me to get better. It gave me routine and something i enjoyed doing and felt good at even if it meant long days and hours of work!).

But back to the question. Feeling like i was living a lie when i was depressed wasnt easy..... it was like i was two people. Pretending to be happy and healthy while infront of others, but breaking down when i was on my own.

I dnot know whether you are recovered or still struggling? I think that if you are still struggling and an eating disorder or depression or any other illness impacts your life then it might help to tell those closest to you. However finding the time and place to do it and actually feeling confident enough isnt so easy. But it can help, i know for me personally it helped when i told my ex boyfriend about my past - so that he could better understand me and why i was the way i was. Telling my mum about depression helped for me to get better, and in high school i just told my friends i had hospital visits sometimes for the tmes i was away from school, and some did find out about my past with an eating disorder and even my CF through social media.  

If you feel that you can trust some one and feel comfortable being around them in can help to confide in them. Unfortunatly not everyone is understanding, but hopefully they will be and you can feel less like you are living a lie. You shouldnt feel ashamed about struggling, whether it was in the  past or stll currently struggling. You shouldnt have to feel like you are lying, however sometimes being around normal people and pretending to be "Normal" can actually help you to recover. Because i have found in my experience is that sometimes when people know you are sick, then its ok to just continue with your habits around them because people already know. It was much harder to actually eat around people who knew i had anorexia because then i felt judged for eating, compared to when i was around people who didnt know because then it was just normal to eat and i would be weird if i didnt. Or example i would just stand and move and never be still when i was around my family and they just "accepted it" because they knew i was struggling and sick, whereas when i was around people in school (back in 2011/2012) who were healthy, i had to sit and relax and pretend to be normal even if i felt anxious over having to sit and be still. But it helped me to get better, to just do what others were doing. If this makes sense?

I would also recommend maybe talking to a therapist can help? Someone who you can be fully open and honest with so that you can atleast talk about your thoughts and struggles, get some advice and help?

And then just try to be YOU. Its ok to struggle and its ok to be different. People struggle with different things, for example i am very introverted, i get stressed and anxious easily but i am also a positive thinker and always try to be positive and optimistic. I know i am not the only one who suffers from anxiety or not dealing with stress well, i ve talked with several in my class who have said they cant cope with stress, others who have "burned out/hit the wall" in the past as well and others who suffer from anxiety.... everyone has something so its nothing to be ashamed about. However it is always up to you if you want to share it, you dont have to, but sometimes it helps if you do!!

If you feel like you are living a lie, ask yourself what you can do to stop feeling that way? It may not be easy, but it can definitely make things better if you make some changes so that you can start feeling more like one person, instead of living two lives/being two people!


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6 comments:

  1. I love your posts.
    You write about other people in school who struggle; do you find that your role when you see people struggling in real life is different from the role you take in online media?
    I often see people struggling, or with all the telltale signs of struggling, but I don't know what to do. Often I pretend not to notice, even though I do and I feel really sorry, but I just don't know what to do. Other times I acknowledge it, but I still feel utterly helpless. It is different if people come and ask for help; seeing people just struggling is hard.

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  2. quick quesiton - i had a bmi of 11 earlier last year and managed to gain up to 15+ on my own. now i'm going into residential treatment next week...which is mostly due to my depression, but its an ED center because given my past with ed they thought it was best plus i have severe chronic illnesses that need to be monitored. basically i'm just worried that i'm going to be the biggest one there and am wishing i was back to my sick bmi. i know this is irrational and i should be glad i'm healthier (i am) but i almost just want to shout i PROMISE I ACTUALLY LOOKED ANOREXIC BEFORE!!! so that people don't think i'm crazy bc I don't look it anymore. Advice would be great

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    1. I really hope the treatment centre proves a good place for you at this time. It sounds like you know the "right" answer -- about being glad about being healthier -- but, understandably, you are not healthy enough yet to feel that wholeheartedly? People at ED units are all different weights, because they are at all different stages in the treatment. Their weights are changing while they are there. Everyone has stories that are longer than the glimpses you see in the centre. Everyone knows that that is true for everyone else. So, you don't need to "worry" about that. It is an ongoing challenge of ED recovery that a lot of the real "getting better" is done when one doesn't have such physically visible problems; but that is partly a social problem, that people on the outside still think EDs are a weight or a size -- and they really are not. Being at a 15+ BMI is still very low, and you still need to get to a healthy physical place for YOU, for YOUR life. Being at a higher weight may also have physiological benefit for the depression -- it is not a cure all, but it can help. I hope that is a little bit of use, and I do wish you all the very best as you take this next step. Courage, and best of luck!

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    2. ps also, being at a stage ahead in recovery in SOME areas can give you a role in helping others? perhaps. If so, then that is lovely and helps you all alike. I know it doesn't always work out like that, but use it for confidence? If possible?

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    3. thank you so much. this really helped me out so much. <3

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    4. You have to remember that an eating disorder is a mental illness, just like depression or bipolar or any other illness which you cant always see from the outside. People in eating disorder treatment centres are all sizes and are all there for different reasons, and someone isnt sicker just because they are skinnier, everyone has different journies and past. But also it is NOT a competition aout who is sickest or skinniest, you need to focus on your own health and why you are there - To get better. So why lose weight and ruin progrss when you will just have to regain the weight anyway? The treatment centre should help you get better, not make you worse. Try not to compare yourself to others, and remember that the weight you have gained is necessary and if you lose it again you would just make your time in hospital longer, you would have to regain the weight, mess upp your metabolism and make recovery harder and longer. I know its not easy but you have to start seeing weight gain and recovery as positive. Try to focus on all the positives about being a little healthier and focus on all the negatives about losing weight or being skinnier... you dont need to prove you are sick, the doctors dont admit someone if they arent sick... but even if you werent getting treatment doesnt mean you arent sick or that you are faking it. I have written a post about this which might also help :)
      http://www.lifewithoutanorexia.com/2016/07/losing-weight-before-going-into.html

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