Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Doctors, nurses, dieticians, family.... they are all trying to help you, not harm you

Reading back over old posts and thinking back over memories. I remember while i was in hospital and an inpatient at the eating disorder clinic i absaloutly hated the doctors and staff there. I despised the dietician who increased my meal plan so often and hated my case managers. I had alot of hate inside of me, hate towards myself, towards the world and just everything in general. I didnt understand why the dietician had to increase my meal plan, i didnt understand why i had to sit in a wheel chair or why i had to rest or have activity monitors on. I didnt understand why i couldnt be left alone, why i couldnt go home... why i couldnt live life like anyone else, and most of all i didnt understand why i had to eat or why i had to gain weight when i was already so huge.


Because that was exactly how i felt, i felt huge... i felt normal weight and normal body size and even bigger than anyone else. This was of course due to warped body image and my eating disorder, i couldnt see myself for how i actually looked. I thought i was normal and healthy and i didnt eat because i wasnt hungry and because i didnt need food, i was "special", not like others... no matter how many people told me i needed food or needed to eat my eating disorder kept telling me i didnt. I believed that the doctors and staff were all lying to me and trying to ruin me and i didnt understand why my mum wouldnt take me out from the hospital, take me away from there.

Of course in recovery i had to learn and admit that 1) i was sick, 2) i needed food just like everyone else, 3) i needed to gain weight and 4) the doctors and staff and my family didnt hate me and werent trying to "ruin me" as i thought. Infact, they loved me and cared for me and were trying to keep me alive when i was struggling to do the opposite.

If my family and the doctors hadnt forced me to eat, hadnt forced me to be in hospital i dont know if i would have even made it to 2012. They loved me and cared for and that is something i had to realise, and that is something YOU need to realise as well.

If you are in hospital, or are a day patient or even just go to therapy and get your weekly "homework/assignments", those are there to help YOU. Increased meal plans, not allowed to exercise, tube feeding... its all there to help you even if you may not realise it now.

I do of course have to be open and honest about the fact that not all case managers or doctors are kind.. i dont know how many times i have said things and they never listened to me. And many treated me very rudely and i was left in tears afterwards. I was often treated like a 5 year old who had no knowledge and could not take care of herself, and of course i couldnt take care of myself but i wasnt stupid and being treated like i was was not a nice feeling. As well as being told i was a hopeless case, that i couldnt be helped, that i would die.... that is not something you want to hear. I had already given up on myself, so to sit in a room with doctors, my case manager, a therapist and other people working at Mando and to be told "I couldnt be helped" (and my mum was the only one who still fought for me) was one of the worst feelings. I went through ALOT of case managers at Mando because i went back and forth from inpatient to daypatient and back again, as well as arguing so much with them - i was not an easy patient or someone to help, haha.

I guess what i wanted to say with this post is that I KNOW how tough it is to be in hospital. I know how tough it is to have your choices taken away from you, to have to just sit and follow orders. But you have to remember that you are in hospital for a reason... you are recieving treatment for a reason. You might be trying to convince yourself that you dont need it or you cant be helped or that everyone is awful and trying to ruin you or your body or your life, but that is not the case. THey are trying to help you even if you dont realise that now. You may hate and despise them (I sure did), but one day you might just secretly thank them because they are the reason you are still alive and breathing. My best advice... turn that hate towards your eating disorder, hate your disorder for making you be in hospital - it is NOT the doctors taking your choices and life away, it is your eating disorder. Its your eating disorder that ruins your life and limits your life, and the doctors are staff are there to help you fight your eating disorder so that you can eventually get your life back!!!

You can recover, you can get better and i hope that one day ALL OF YOU will feel free and happy and be able to live a life you love! :)



5 comments:

  1. Hi, this is an off-topic question, but could I ask- I have this problem when I eat a meal, and then have crave another food. And some more. I don't know if I should label it as a case of extreme hunger, as my stomach doesn't hurt (silly, but this is what I often consider as an only indication for physical hunger). In recovery, I know I barely have to set myself a limit. If I eat soup, a yoghurt and then I want something more, even a piece of fruit though its after 8pm, why not? But if I don't really "hear" my stomach, or simsthsimiliar tend to conclude that this is only emotional, thus I shouldn't attend to it. Have you ever experienced something similiar? Thanks for the answer in advance.

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    1. I'm sure Izzy will reply with more detail, but - I know what you mean, but honestly, that is hunger. Your body WILL tell you when you have had enough. It is not a precise measure, but it is palpably different from the wanting something more. The wanting something more means you have started to fill up, but not finished -- and quite possibly not got anywhere close to finishing.
      Learning the signals goes partly by trial and error, habit and practice.
      Izzy will say something more helpful, I am sure.....
      Good luck, and well done.

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  2. Hi Izzy - I hope your week has been good and the New Year has got off to a great start for you!
    I have a query - I am finally getting to see a dietician next week, a hospital one this time, and I was wondering what to expect? Is there anything specific that I should ask for? What would be immensely helpful is if they can formulate a meal plan for me rather than me making my own - do you think they will do this?
    Thankyou for any advice you can give me :)

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    1. I see a hospital dietician and when I asked for a meal plan, I was told that giving me one right from the start it could mean that I would feel overwhelmed and frustrated, then a few weeks of little changes and increases at a time went by, and only when I began to understand certain things and had the answer to some of my worries and questions a meal plan was made, but my dietician and I worked on it together, and actually I planned the most part of it. My dietician only gave me tips, like, "Maybe you could eat more of this instead of that"... But I guess that varies a lot from place to place!

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    2. If you go to a dietician they should be able to help you make a meal plan if that's what you ask for. And you need to mention your different in tolerances and such. It can be good to get a meal plan so you know what and how much to eat daily. But maybe theven dietician will just give you tips and advice, but maybe prepare some questions to ask her/him. Things you might be wondering about or any type of advice tips and questions!! And it's great that you finally have a time now :)

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