Because that was exactly how i felt, i felt huge... i felt normal weight and normal body size and even bigger than anyone else. This was of course due to warped body image and my eating disorder, i couldnt see myself for how i actually looked. I thought i was normal and healthy and i didnt eat because i wasnt hungry and because i didnt need food, i was "special", not like others... no matter how many people told me i needed food or needed to eat my eating disorder kept telling me i didnt. I believed that the doctors and staff were all lying to me and trying to ruin me and i didnt understand why my mum wouldnt take me out from the hospital, take me away from there.
Of course in recovery i had to learn and admit that 1) i was sick, 2) i needed food just like everyone else, 3) i needed to gain weight and 4) the doctors and staff and my family didnt hate me and werent trying to "ruin me" as i thought. Infact, they loved me and cared for me and were trying to keep me alive when i was struggling to do the opposite.
If my family and the doctors hadnt forced me to eat, hadnt forced me to be in hospital i dont know if i would have even made it to 2012. They loved me and cared for and that is something i had to realise, and that is something YOU need to realise as well.
If you are in hospital, or are a day patient or even just go to therapy and get your weekly "homework/assignments", those are there to help YOU. Increased meal plans, not allowed to exercise, tube feeding... its all there to help you even if you may not realise it now.
I do of course have to be open and honest about the fact that not all case managers or doctors are kind.. i dont know how many times i have said things and they never listened to me. And many treated me very rudely and i was left in tears afterwards. I was often treated like a 5 year old who had no knowledge and could not take care of herself, and of course i couldnt take care of myself but i wasnt stupid and being treated like i was was not a nice feeling. As well as being told i was a hopeless case, that i couldnt be helped, that i would die.... that is not something you want to hear. I had already given up on myself, so to sit in a room with doctors, my case manager, a therapist and other people working at Mando and to be told "I couldnt be helped" (and my mum was the only one who still fought for me) was one of the worst feelings. I went through ALOT of case managers at Mando because i went back and forth from inpatient to daypatient and back again, as well as arguing so much with them - i was not an easy patient or someone to help, haha.
I guess what i wanted to say with this post is that I KNOW how tough it is to be in hospital. I know how tough it is to have your choices taken away from you, to have to just sit and follow orders. But you have to remember that you are in hospital for a reason... you are recieving treatment for a reason. You might be trying to convince yourself that you dont need it or you cant be helped or that everyone is awful and trying to ruin you or your body or your life, but that is not the case. THey are trying to help you even if you dont realise that now. You may hate and despise them (I sure did), but one day you might just secretly thank them because they are the reason you are still alive and breathing. My best advice... turn that hate towards your eating disorder, hate your disorder for making you be in hospital - it is NOT the doctors taking your choices and life away, it is your eating disorder. Its your eating disorder that ruins your life and limits your life, and the doctors are staff are there to help you fight your eating disorder so that you can eventually get your life back!!!
You can recover, you can get better and i hope that one day ALL OF YOU will feel free and happy and be able to live a life you love! :)