Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Dealing with anxiety and panic - wanting to do disappear or be someone else

Yesterday evening was not a good day. Yesterday evening I was hit with a huge wave of panic and anxiety. My heart began beating fast and I felt it was hard to breathe and my thoughts taking over completely. I felt this feeling of wanting to disappear, wanting to shrink but also..
Wanting to be anyone but myself right then and there.

In my life now I've learned to take up space, learnt that I am not a burden and learning to be confident, loving myself and accepting some of the flaws I think I have on my personality and behaviours. But yesterday I wanted to shrink myself  .. wanted to take up as little space as possible and wished I could disappear and wished no one had ever met me. Or just wished I could be anyone else. I wanted to change myself..... change my appearance.  Wished I could be someone who always had nice hair and always looked flawless and was good at make up. Wished I had nice clothed and didn't spend 85% of my time in workout clothes or look like I just got out of bed. I wished I was someone who had more confidence and was more bubbly and outgoing. I went to bed with a whole bunch of anxiety and the first time in a very long time where I wanted to cry myself to sleep because I just felt so low and negative and overwhelmed.  Stressed and anxious and now in the morning I know that those feelings had to do with a lack of sleep recently and other factors in my life.

But also this morning I began thinking about why I felt I wanted or needed to change who I am. Because the truth is, I can change.... I can be the girl who wears heels and red lipstick to school, the girl with awesome clothes and makeup and hair on point and the person who is confident and bubbly. But the truth is that i don't want to change.... I want to change for other people, to impress other people because I think others would like me better if I looked or behaved differently.  This of course is my low self esteem, thinking I'm not good enough, thinking that people don't like me or that I need to change who I am or what I look like to be accepted. This is so silly though, I have friends who like me for who I am now, I  am accepted and loved for who I am. Sure certain personality traits I might need to change but I don't need to change who I am to be accepted or loved. I need to continue loving myself, taking up space and being confident. Low self esteem and hating myself will do nothing but break me down.

I am writing this post to remind you that anxiety passes.  It won't last forever and don't do anything irrational when dealing with those strong emotions.

But also, to not compare yourself to others or try to change yourself for anyone else.  It's OK to change but then you have to do it for your own sake and not to impress or others. Instead work on your self esteem and learn to love yourself.  Learn to be confident in yourself and your life.  Stop focusing on the negatives and focus on the positives and what you love about yourself. Of course it's easier said than done but trust me, even if I woke up and still had lots of anxiety, the rational thoughts are helping so much. To realise that little sleep, stress and low self esteem are the underlying factors to how im feeling.  But also that change has to be for my sake, not to impress others or for someone else's sake. I am who I am and that's OK.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you felt this. It's never a fun feeling! But I can relate. I wish I was outgoing, didn't take life too seriously, and lived more spontaneously. I tend to spend a lot of time studying (university definitely requires me too- especially my course) and I can relate to the lack of girly clothes and make up. But I prefer it and the girls who do dress to impress are hardly ever down to earth. but I'm also a people pleaser (gotten a lot better). I think it's about celebrating you who are and stretching yourself enough to be who you want to become. It's a deifficult balance but don't change for others. Workout clothes all day everyday is great and hell, Nike would certainly approve!

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  2. Izzy. I don't know if you will read this but please remember that to other people you look so beautiful, strong, inspiring girl. You know what? There are times when I want to be like YOU. Sometimes I'm sad because I don't have such a great life like you have. And yes, I know your life isn't perfect. But so are lives of the other people that you want to look like them. You are so beautiful. You like sports clothes and who cares if you prefer gym leggins than skirts?! Who cares if you spend more money on gym card than on new clothes? We are different. And we are all perfect. Everyone in his own way. I do believe that all people have mistakes but that's what makes them beautiful. To be who they are, to love their lives. I hope I wasn't rude or something I just wanted to tell you how incredibly beautiful human being you are. I don't know how many girls are there who had saved someone's life? Well, I know one. It's you. You saved my life with your blog. And that's something you should be proud of.

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  3. :'(
    What type of depression do you have?

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  4. Awe Izzy I'm so sorry you've had to endure these feelings. I'm mentally sending you hugs and positive vibes.
    I wish you could see just how inspiring, caring, compassionate, loyal, unique, and dedicated you are to those around you. One of the things I love about you is how honest and genuine you are. You don't try to follow mainstream conventions by wearing makeup and crazy outfits. Instead, you do what makes you feel best. And that is such a rare trait nowadays. Stay true to yourself!
    Lots of love!!

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  5. You are YOU and that is unique - don`t try to change to be someone you`re not. people love, value and admire you for who you are - just as you are.
    I want to echo the above comment - this past year you have also saved my life. I don`t know where I`d be now without your blog - you have kept me going through so many hard times.
    You are special, you are you. live your life the way you want to and be happy xxx

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  6. You are just an Inspiration, Thanks for sharing nice information, There is obviously a lot. Your points are very valuable and knowledgeable. Thanks for sharing this great blog with us

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    ReplyDelete