Yesterday evening was not a good day. Yesterday evening I was hit with a huge wave of panic and anxiety. My heart began beating fast and I felt it was hard to breathe and my thoughts taking over completely. I felt this feeling of wanting to disappear, wanting to shrink but also..
Wanting to be anyone but myself right then and there.
In my life now I've learned to take up space, learnt that I am not a burden and learning to be confident, loving myself and accepting some of the flaws I think I have on my personality and behaviours. But yesterday I wanted to shrink myself .. wanted to take up as little space as possible and wished I could disappear and wished no one had ever met me. Or just wished I could be anyone else. I wanted to change myself..... change my appearance. Wished I could be someone who always had nice hair and always looked flawless and was good at make up. Wished I had nice clothed and didn't spend 85% of my time in workout clothes or look like I just got out of bed. I wished I was someone who had more confidence and was more bubbly and outgoing. I went to bed with a whole bunch of anxiety and the first time in a very long time where I wanted to cry myself to sleep because I just felt so low and negative and overwhelmed. Stressed and anxious and now in the morning I know that those feelings had to do with a lack of sleep recently and other factors in my life.
But also this morning I began thinking about why I felt I wanted or needed to change who I am. Because the truth is, I can change.... I can be the girl who wears heels and red lipstick to school, the girl with awesome clothes and makeup and hair on point and the person who is confident and bubbly. But the truth is that i don't want to change.... I want to change for other people, to impress other people because I think others would like me better if I looked or behaved differently. This of course is my low self esteem, thinking I'm not good enough, thinking that people don't like me or that I need to change who I am or what I look like to be accepted. This is so silly though, I have friends who like me for who I am now, I am accepted and loved for who I am. Sure certain personality traits I might need to change but I don't need to change who I am to be accepted or loved. I need to continue loving myself, taking up space and being confident. Low self esteem and hating myself will do nothing but break me down.
I am writing this post to remind you that anxiety passes. It won't last forever and don't do anything irrational when dealing with those strong emotions.
But also, to not compare yourself to others or try to change yourself for anyone else. It's OK to change but then you have to do it for your own sake and not to impress or others. Instead work on your self esteem and learn to love yourself. Learn to be confident in yourself and your life. Stop focusing on the negatives and focus on the positives and what you love about yourself. Of course it's easier said than done but trust me, even if I woke up and still had lots of anxiety, the rational thoughts are helping so much. To realise that little sleep, stress and low self esteem are the underlying factors to how im feeling. But also that change has to be for my sake, not to impress others or for someone else's sake. I am who I am and that's OK.