Do i ever have bad days or fall back into eating disorder behaviours?

I can get alot of questions via email asking me if i still do this or still do that. Whether i still get anxiety over food or compensate, asking me if i am actually recovered or if i ever fall back into my eating disorder. And on some occasions i get emails where i am told....to keep working and striving towards recovery. I always get very confused by that statement when it is told to me? But i prefer to shrug it off and think that maybe the person emailing me hasnt read my whole story and in actuality it is a very sweet gesture :) Isnt that what i write to others anyway.

*'Warning LONG post!*

So, i decided to answer all these questions (sort of) in a post.

First off..... one of the top questions i can get asked is: Is real recovery actually possible? Can you get rid of all the thoughts? And why can others recover and not me?

To sum it all up quickly YES, i do believe real recovery is possible. Many people do say that recovery from an eating disorder isnt possible and that you will for the rest of your life have fucked up thoughts about food and might still have weird behaviours and that everyday is a battle but that you can cope.
   I always feel very  irritated when people say this? Because i dont believe its true. Not at all. I believe that that statement is for those in half recovery.... a stage which, is so easy to get stuck in and never leave because well.... you can half live your life. You can eat, go out with friends, work, slowly move forward in life. But you are still held back by so many different ways. Fears, routines and habits holding you back and so even if you can do your daily things, you never truly live because you are too scared to let go. So if someone tells you that and they claim they are healthy, then i dont think they are actually healthy, they are still in half recovery stage. Even if they make look healthy and might have a somewhgat normal life.
  But that just shows how hard and how evil and manipulative the eating disorder is. That people can be struggling and it is never really noticed. 

So, why can some people fully recover and others not? Its all about motivation and a persons own will to fight. No one can make you recover, they can make you gain  weight. But recovery from an eating disorder is more than the physical aspect, its about the mental aspect. Its about your fears, your insecurities, your habits, your thoughts and everything else controlling you. If it was just about gaining weight then no one would be struggling for so many years. Of course, the physical is important because when you are undernourished and underweight you cant think clearly. Your brain is not functioning properly so everything becomes a bit more distorted and it is harder to fight. But when you are a normal weight and eat properly, then your brain gets more energy and you can actually fight your eating disorder better because YOU and the rational part inside your head becomes stronger. So yes, weight gain is also important even if the mental part is more important.
   The reason someone fully recovers is because they keep fighting, they dont give up. They get rid of all their eating disorder habits, they let go of their fears, their anxieties and compulsions around food, exercise and other habits.
   They form new healthy habits and beginning living a normal life where their eating disorder and the distorted habirsares no longer the main focus or anxiety doesnt control their life. Its a process, just like with self love... it took me 2,5 years to get to the stage i am today with truly loving my body. With recovery, you need to choose it everyday. Its not just a... one time, i choose recovery and then you never make an effort to change things or to eat even if you think you have choosen recovery. But recovery is a choice you make everyday.


So.... do i ever fall back into eating disorder habits?

I would say no. But at the same time, of course i have bad days. I have written about it before but i can quite easily fall into depression, if i get too stressed or have too much going on i can begin hiding myself in a corner, blocking everyone out and start thinking about self harm and suicide. This of course i try not to write about too much on here. Because even if i can have some very dark days and days where things feel hopeless and i have no motivation to keep living, its then that i try to take a break from things. I try to do things i enjoy and get up each morning, even if i just want to stay in bed. I keep struggling through the grey cloud around me and eventually it will get better. So even if i am positive 90% of the time its not always like that, but i believe that if i just keep focusing on the positives then things will get better and that i can make things better!
    Also as you might know, if you've read my blog for a long time. I am not so good at coping with stress, i try different techniques and some work sometimes, but at times it gets too much. So then when i am stressed i lose my appetite and can begin losing weight, which then triggers other things. When i lose weight i do find myself thinking more about food and also have mood swings. So a year or so ago when i fell into a period of bad days then something really silly like my mum didnt buy vanilla yoghurt but bought strawberry yoghurt made me really angry... but then 5 minutes later i started laughing about it because i was like what... this doesnt make sense and ate the strawberry yoghurt anyway. haha
   
What i do know is that if you have had an eating disorder it is easier to fall back into it..... it can happen unconsciously, a few bad choices and suddenly you are counting calories again or you start skipping carbs and suddenly all carbs scare you. So i think that it is important to be aware of how you are thinking and the choices you make and why you make them.
  But also, i know many are scared of having a BMI higher than 18 or 19, but the truth is... after an eating disorder you do need to weight more. This is because 1) your body has been so stressed that it needs to weigh more to function properly but also 2) it decreases the chance of relapse. 


Soooo... to answer the actual question, if i havent already.... No, i dont really fall back into eating disorder habits. I can have bad, negative days or periods. But i dont start counting calories or getting anxiety over eating a cinnamon bun or 100g chocolate, i just move on with my life :)

And for those of you who dont know, yes i am declared healthy for 4 years. And even if i have had ups and downs during that time, i havent relapsed or become sick. Just finding ways to live life and cope with the ups and downs of life :)'