Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Saturday, December 24, 2016

Did I really suffer from depression? Did I really recover?

So recently I got an email which I thought was rather rude. They accused me of either 1) lying about my depression or 2) lying about recovery because no one can recover so "quickly" if I truly struggled as much as I said I did.

So first off... I was never clinically diagnosed with depression.  I didn't want to get help or therapy  (no... I don't recommend this choice for anyone else. I was very hypocritical... telling others to seek help when I couldn't even do it myself. But as I'm sure we all know, asking for help and even admitting you are sick is extremely hard.). Second the depression progressively got worse under 1,5 years and it had alot to do with stress and burn out as well as other things but I think it was just too much stress and a burn out.

Secondly (?) I don't write out all my thoughts and feelings on here.  I've had to restrict my writing and openness a whole lot recently due to who reads or may read my blog so I don't feel comfortable being so open right now.

Thirdly, in summer I made a whole bunch of changes in my life. I began with alternative medicine which has helped a lot and if I miss 1-2 days of my medicine the negatives thoughts can come rolling in and I can find it hard to find motivation or do basic things.  Depression is due to a chemical imbalance and I just need to accept that I need medication for it, even if it isn't anti depressants, it's an alternative form of anti depressants.(everyone has their thoughts and personal choice regarding medication and alternative medication and this is my choice.). Recovery for me wasn't just about thinking positive and smiling, but actually changing mindset and reevaluating things in my life.
I feel so much happier now because I don't feel as stressed, I can't cope with stress and that is one major factor i need to limit in my life or try to rethink stressful situations and not make them seem as stressful. But also I don't feel as lost in life and I socialise more now than I did before as well as just feeling older, more matured and more experienced in life.  But of course I'm still young  and I'm not Always happy.  But I feel like I am as recovered/happy as I can be right now in life. And it wasn't a "quick recovery ", it still took months and different changes in my life.   But I can understand if it seems like I went from suicidal and anxiety filled to social and happy in just a few weeks, when that isn't the case at all.

I don't feel like repeating myself about my depression but you can read various posts I wrote while I struggled HERE and my post "what depression looks like"
Not so sure why I'm writing this post, mostly I think because I felt rather offended of being accused of lying either about struggling or about getting better.


7 comments:

  1. Oh Izzy you really don`t need to explain yourself - you found a way through your depression that benefited and suited you and that is all that matters. You have written about your depression before on here and of the stress you have been under - we all know that you are genuine and you had been going through some rough times. Don`t let a thoughtless and rude email set you back with comments that are unjustified. You have dealt with your depression in your own way and with help from your family, and the fact that you now feel so much better and are in a better place in your life shows. You have worked so hard to turn things around - we all know that.
    Don`t let this put a dampner on what should be a happy weekend for you. Whoever it was that sent you that email was wrong, very wrong.
    Take care and keep your chin up :)

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  2. People need to accept that everyone's experiences are different and that they are personal and nothing to do with anyone else. There is no set journey of recovery from anorexia/depression and it is completely ignorant to suggest there is!! For example I spent a solid year and a half in hospital for depression, and the psychiatrists admitted to me afterwards that they had no hope for me. But only 2 years on and I am A LOT better, and I don't consider myself to have anorexia anymore, or chronic depression, but it's agreed amongst everyone that I was very ill once with anorexia and more significantly depression. And that doesn't mean I'm lying about having it for goodness sake! It just means that things got so bad that the only way was up. And I think that's the same for you - lots of hard work and months and months of agonising over recovering, rather than being stuck at rock bottom for years. It's such a positive to be able to move on with your life, and not be stuck with such a draining illness and diagnosis. You should be proud of yourself izzy:-)

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  3. What a bizarre and ignorant email. Depression looks different on different people, and there is also a difference between chronic/clinical depression and situational depression. Some people have recurring bouts of short depression (sometimes only days or weeks), and some people struggle for years or entire lifetimes. I myself had depression issues (diagnosed) and struggled for 15 years. Then it magically went away. Well, not magically - there was a heck of a lot of hard work, years of different therapies and supports, and ongoing maintenance of my recovery to ensure I don't slip back - but my depression has been totally gone for two years now. Previously, id be lucky to get a good week. My story is different than yours, is different from hers, is the same as others, whatever. Depression articulates itself in different ways, for different periods of time, and for different reasons, for different people. At the bottom, symptoms are typically the same (or else how could you define or diagnose), but the variables can differ wildly. Just within my own diagnosis, there were times when it was a clinical issue, and times when it was situational. I was just prone to depression and very ill-equipped to cope or solve it. Anyone who self-identifies as having depression, while maybe not medically evidenced as a claim, is always worthy of being believed. Outside of certain mental illnesses, people generally don't claim depression without good reason to believe they have it. Any talk, of any mental illness , should always be taken seriously. Bar none.

    As for the emailer, I have the distinct feeling that one person has, for whatever reason, made it their mission to poke at you (past rude comments and the like). Maybe a couple people. I can't speak for their motives, and I'm sure what they are saying is true for them, in their own head and their own point of view, but that doesn't make it reality or true for anyone else. People are very attached to their own perceptions because it is the basis for the reality they live in. There's not much use arguing over it, especially on this kind of platform because it precludes real, honest, accountable, and self-owned dialogue, but there's also no use getting upset over it. Wasted energy to try and convince someone of something they are determined to disbelieve. It just is what it is, and needs to be kept in perspective. One negative voice, while perhaps screaming loud to you, is actually no biggernor smaller than any other voice. And most of the voices here are positive and supportive :)

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  4. Hi izzy sorry off topic but could you advise me on something. I have just been diagnosed with a fatty liver after an ultrasound - it says this is caused by being too fat and alcoholism. I am almost a healthy bmi now but i feel absolutely huge having already gained 23kg. I have also just started this week a gluten and dairy free diet as i have had extremely severe stomach pains, toilet troubles and chronic fatigue and could be coeliac. Im already a vegetarian but the whole gluten and dairy free is all new. do you have any advice on what i should eat? Im frightened too cos i am gaining so much weight at the moment like 0.8kg a day or more. The drs don't care as they are only concerned that ill lose weight. I'm scared I'm already over my target and don't know what to do.

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  5. ps i don't have alcoholism in case that wasn't clear x

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    Replies
    1. It's very common in recovery to have elevated liver enzymes--they return to normal after a while of your weight being stable. It is NOT fatty liver. I had an ignorant doctor tell me this and it freaked me out--I thought I had to change my diet and began eating super 'clean'. Well, then at the ED clinic with knowledgeble doctors I learned that it was normal. Now, my liver enzymes are normal after a couple of months back at my happy weight. Trust me--you don't not have fatty liver disease. Doctors that are unfamiliar with eating disorders always do this and it pisses me off. You can read about it online--look up 'elevated liver enzymes anorexia recovery' and it will explain everything and put you at ease. :) Also, as for the food intolerances, I had the same experience too. The answer is not to restrict yourself from those foods--rather, the opposite. Your bowels/fatigue will go away. You just have to let your body get used to gluten/dairy/etc which can take a couple of months. But it's so worth it in the end because you won't live your life avoiding those things and getting sick when you do eat them!!

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    2. thanks for responding the only thing was i had an ultrasound today and thats what she saw - she said, i have to be honest with you but you have a fatty liver." i have chronic fatigue and severe abdominal pain to the point of being in a&e several times. it could be a number of things but coeliac which is why the diet change but its thrown me completely cos now i don't know what to eat.

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