Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Saturday, November 19, 2016

Tapas, wine and nightlife

Good morning everyone :)

I th andought i would wake up in a much worse state than how i woke up today... if anything, this is the first time all week that i have woken up with energy and feel ready to take on the day - despite only few hours of sleep as well as a whole lot of anxiety before going to bed.

But lets backtrack!

So in the beginning of the week a few friends from university all decided we should meet and do something together, the original plan was dinner together at someones house. But then as more people from the class joined the event and nobody had a place we could be at we decided to book a table at a tapas bar so we could all eat dinner together anyway!
Friday afternoon and i was not super excited to go out, i most of all just wanted to lie in bed. But i reminded myself.... every other evening that is exactly what i can do, and doing things like this often turns out to be very fun even if i originally wasnt so excited. Not to mention that i didnt want to miss out on anything. So i got ready and left.
The rest of the evening wasnt something to be exstatic over though...
We had booked the table for 7pm, and well there are those who arrive at around 7pm, and those who go and drink before hand and arrive at 7.45pm. And for the rest of the evening it was sort of divided.... the side of the table were everyone was drinking copious amounts and making lots of noise and the side of the table where it was more quiet and less alcohol.
For the whole time that i sat there i regretted that i had come. I wasnt having a good time, despite drinking a drink and despite enjoying the  conversations i had with people and laughing a whole lot, i still wasnt enjoying myself. Around 10.30pm i decided to head home at the same time that some others were leaving, but ended up deciding to join and go to another bar as a few of us wanted to go and just sit and talk. But it ended up that everyone left and went to another bar where it was a crazy amount of people and so much noise so after 30 minutes i felt it was time for me to head home, i wasnt having a good time and i felt the anxiety inside of me rising.
Anxiety induced from the alcohol, anxiety from being around people who are intoxicated, anxiety from spending money on alcohol when i need to save money at the moment, anxiety from not having gone home when i originally wanted to.

Finally i got home around 12.30pm and the anxiety was overwhelming at the time, and i was up half the night. But somehow i managed to sleep a few hours and wake up energized!!

I do like social events and socializing with people, but i dont like alcohol and i am not the type of person who likes to go out and party and drink a bunch. No matter how much i try to convince myself to try it or enjoy it, i just dont and its time for me to accept that. I wont ever have a "wild and crazy university life" because that isnt who i am. I dont like drinking, i dont like getting drunk and i am not much for hanging around in bars. Instead i prefer when we can do things like eat dinner or if a smaller group of people go to a bar and just sit and talk or even house parties can be fun when its not an overwhelming amount of people.

I dont like alcohol and its effect on people... i dont like how it makes people act. Either it turns people into who they arent and makes them do things they originally wouldnt do, or it turns people into who they actually are... but either way i dont like. It always makes me see people in a different light, see how they act and what they say and it saddens me sometimes to see how different people can be, how rude and mean people can be when they have drunk. Im not judgemental but it can definitely make me rethink how i see a person.

Anyway, alcohol and partying isnt for me and its time that i stop being embarrassed about that. I wasnt the only one not having a great time yesterday and i wasnt the first to leave anyway, hahaha.

The positive thing is that i actually joined despite not wanting to, but the negative is that i pretty much regret the whole night, hahahaha. Oh well, thats life!!!

Today I am ready to get back to studying and packing and going for a walk to get some fresh air!!


  1. Aww, sorry your night wasn't fun. As a recovering addict, I also don't enjoy being around people drinking, it's just not my scene anymore. But it definitely makes me feel left out sometimes - my co-workers getting together for drinks and I'm the only one who doesn't go, or bands playing and I feel totally alone in a roomfull of people because I'm the only sober person. It's just a bummer. At least you tried, though, and now you know who the people are in that group that are more like you - you have a direction to cultivate, with the others who weren't into the party. In that way it was a good night, that you got some good information for yourself, and that you showed your classmates that you do appreciate being invited and included, and that you ventured out of your safe bubble and found you survived the trip :) Now, you can always strike up conversations with the other quieter folks, make plans with them, or bond over your anti-party ways. Definitely not a wasted night. And I love the self-talk you used leading up to the event, that's really practical role modelling for your readers. Thanks for sharing the experience. I'm going to use that "I can stay in every other night" talk for myself when I'm feeling avoidant or anxious about socializing.

  2. I agree with the "I can stay in every other night" mindset! Sometimes it's good just to go out even if it's only to rememer--oh yeah, I don't like doing that. Then next time when alcohol is involved it's an easy choice whether or not you should go. And if next time you decide to go again, then you may again be reminded that it's not your scene! And that's fine. It's life. I understand the anxiety you had after that experience, too! Glad you're self-aware enough to reflect on experiences like these. <3

  3. I`m sorry your evening didn't go so well, but at least you made the effort to go and instead you`re not plagued with thoughts of "what if". The fact that you don`t like alcohol and don`t really like being around those that do won`t make any difference to your social life - only if you let it. As you said there were others there that evening who weren't drinking so maybe those people will become your circle of friends? I don`t drink and neither does my partner and when it comes to meeting friends then that's for coffee or a nice meal rather than a noisy club or pub. There are loads of things you can do that doesn't involve alcohol and you can still get to meet new people!
    I too think you handled the whole thing very well and now you know what to do should the occasion rise again in the future, and don`t be embarrassed about your choices - there are many like minded people out there.