Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

Translate

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Overthinking, anxiety and needing a break

Hello :)

I thought i would write a little update here again as my plans for the weekend have changed once again, haha.  The past few days there have been alot of thoughts in my head, alot of feelings and emotions and when i spent the 48 hours in bed with acold there was alot of time to think. Times when i felt scared and lonely and wondered whether i am on the right path or not - basically anxiety and panic kicking in. I felt lonely and just too much all at once. I know i am on the right path and want to live in Gothenburg and want to study what i am studying, so i am not doubting that... but i guess i felt like i have been strong a little too long and there has been alittle too much going on. So yesterday i decided to book a ticket back to Stockholm for the weekend.  I feel like all i really need at the moment is my family and my dog. Ive spent too much time alone in my room and it hasnt been so great for me, so now i just need to be surrounded by my family. Of course once i booked the ticket i began to get the post worry anxiety and worried about missing even more lectures, worried about if i fail my test because i wont have been at lectures, worried about what if its hard to travel back to Gothenburg again afterwards, what if it feels strange and difficult to be back in Stockholm again.... so first there was anxiety over being in Gothenburg, and then anxiety over travelling back to Stockholm, hahha. Life of someone who thinks and worried too much.

Now however it feels like a good choice to travel back. Despite barely sleeping last night i got up and headed to my lecture today - as i felt that i needed to go to atleast once lecture this week hahah. And i do feel very worried that i have missed so much but at the same time i know that i can only do my best and even if i fail my test i can just redo it and its not the end of the world... but at the moment i need some family time!

Today i also went to look at an apartment i might get to live in in January before i then move into the apartment in February.... hahaha. Alot of moving the next few months, but i really hope it all works out ok. People have been so kind and helpful!So i am hoping that accomodation from December to February works out well! But i wont be writing so much about it, but there will be a whole bunch of moving and travelling back and forth anyway.... so hopefully school and studies still work out ok!

Anyway this is my life at the moment and i cant wait to see my dog again this evening... or well tomrorow as i will be taking a night train XD  I must admit though a part of my mind tried to tell me that i was being weak for travelling home and that even if its just a few days its a weak thing to do. But now when i think about it afterwards it is so silly to even have those thoughts. Being strong isnt about being independant all the time and refusing help, being strong is about admitting when you are feeling weak and low and allowing others to help you. I need to learn that i am not a lone wolf and dont always need to put on an independant and strong facade, even if i love being independant and free... sometimes i just need to accept that i dont need to do everything alone. But also that 80% of the people in my class who have moved to Gothenburg to study have visited home atleast once or twice or travel back to their home city frequently and many have been shocked in my class when i have said that i havent travelled back to Stockholm and onlyplanned to do it during Christmas. Its so strange how the mind can make up thoughts and sometimes be your own worst enemy. But with self reflection it is easier to see those negative thoughts and to change them. I now realise that a few days back in stockholm isnt me being weak, its me needing family and that is just a sign that i am human and have feelings and emotions!!!



^¨There will be so many Daisy snapchats coming up hahahahha.






6 comments:

  1. Izzy, do you have any advice on being sort of denial about hunger. Like, this is a REALLY complex mental issue of mine, but to explein it in short:
    1) Hunger can cause feeling low and sad, right. That's biochemicaly correct
    2) One can feel hungry without actually needing more food/energy (ie emotional hunger or lack of sleep)
    3) One can feel full even WHEN actually needing more food/energy (ie, having eaten too volumous foods without adequate energy)
    4) One can sometimes have energy when hungry AND sometimes not have energy when full
    5) One can have little energy without it having to do with lack of food.

    Combine all these "theories" and you have my messed up mind regarding hunger. When in school I always feel like "I have energy, I can't be hungry, I don't wanna eat because wouldn't it be considered emotional eating to eat if not physically hungry?". And when my stomach is empty: "Why is my stomach growling, I have enough energy, I don't feel like eating even". This leads to me having a panick attack and suicide impulses because of what I think is actual hunger (or lack of food). However, if I'm bored at home I am the other way around. Using all these "excuses" or explainations to eat. Like, "my stomach is growling, so i can eat now" and eat even if I am not physically hungry or even actually want food.

    My whole day revolves around this thinking where nothing ever feels "just right" in terms of either energy, hunger/fullness, apetite/loss of apetite, etc etc. Like, all these rules about hunger and energy don't add up in "real life". It is like I am looking for a "one size fits all"-solution.

    And the emotional part about hunger causing feeling low makes it hard for me to know weather I eat to soothe my emotions or because of hunger.

    I am always expecting something to "happen" when I eat or don't eat, that "just right"-feeling :(

    This thinking is a major stressor for me, as I always fear the panick attacks that can come because of hunger - AND for no reason at all. The sheer feeling of hunger is something I have to go through every day like normal people. But it upsets me that it is something I cannot control and predict and reason with.

    I have also lost weight due to this, which makes me underweight, and I know that would worsen the thought chaos. However, when I was above "normal weight" I stil had these obsessive thoughs.

    Don't know why I'm sharing this... Just wanted some relief I guess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've answered you in a post now which i hope helps or gives you some advice :)

      Delete
  2. I'm happy you already mentioned yourself that it is NOT a sign of weakness to allow yourself company and family time. Human beings aren't made to be alone and all by themelves all the time. Besides that it's pretty much to ask from yourself to be totally independt when you've just gotten used to living on your own, without your family i mean. Not to forget you live pretty far away too! You shouldn't be so harsh on yourself girl. Remember to ask yourself now and then 'would i give this same advice to someone else'? As you are Always super nice and helpful to other,s i'm sure you can be a little more like that towards yoursel too ;) And if you ever are in need of a little pat on the back or encouragement what so ever: You know where to find me (serisously though i'd be glad to give a little support when you're in need of an unbiased opinion!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. One more thing: Please try to enjoy your time at home with your fam and you dog! It's not worth it to worry about what you shold be doing in terms of Gothenburg/moving/homework when you're finally home for a short while! Just relax and enjoy <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. I echo the above - just enjoy and make the most of your time with your family a nd dog - your studies will still be there when you get back and nothing terrible is going to happen because you have taken a few days break :)
    Having a cold and feeling ill has no doubt put you at a low ebb and right now you need some TLC that only your home can provide - theres nothing wrong in that, its only natural! Try not to be so hard on yourself and have a lovely time in Stockholm - you deserve the break so enjoy it!

    ReplyDelete
  5. PS - I won`t doubt that your mum will be really pleased to see you and have you home again, even if its only for a couple of days. Maybe in the future you could consider going home more frequently than you have been/had planned ? It will do you good to see your family again, I know you keep in regular contact with them but its not the same as actually spending time with them.
    Hope you feel better now and that you have a lovely weekend:) Don`t do too much, just make the most of the weekend and recharge your batteries so to speak! You will feel a lot better for it.

    ReplyDelete