I thought i would write a little update here again as my plans for the weekend have changed once again, haha. The past few days there have been alot of thoughts in my head, alot of feelings and emotions and when i spent the 48 hours in bed with acold there was alot of time to think. Times when i felt scared and lonely and wondered whether i am on the right path or not - basically anxiety and panic kicking in. I felt lonely and just too much all at once. I know i am on the right path and want to live in Gothenburg and want to study what i am studying, so i am not doubting that... but i guess i felt like i have been strong a little too long and there has been alittle too much going on. So yesterday i decided to book a ticket back to Stockholm for the weekend. I feel like all i really need at the moment is my family and my dog. Ive spent too much time alone in my room and it hasnt been so great for me, so now i just need to be surrounded by my family. Of course once i booked the ticket i began to get the post worry anxiety and worried about missing even more lectures, worried about if i fail my test because i wont have been at lectures, worried about what if its hard to travel back to Gothenburg again afterwards, what if it feels strange and difficult to be back in Stockholm again.... so first there was anxiety over being in Gothenburg, and then anxiety over travelling back to Stockholm, hahha. Life of someone who thinks and worried too much.
Now however it feels like a good choice to travel back. Despite barely sleeping last night i got up and headed to my lecture today - as i felt that i needed to go to atleast once lecture this week hahah. And i do feel very worried that i have missed so much but at the same time i know that i can only do my best and even if i fail my test i can just redo it and its not the end of the world... but at the moment i need some family time!
Today i also went to look at an apartment i might get to live in in January before i then move into the apartment in February.... hahaha. Alot of moving the next few months, but i really hope it all works out ok. People have been so kind and helpful!So i am hoping that accomodation from December to February works out well! But i wont be writing so much about it, but there will be a whole bunch of moving and travelling back and forth anyway.... so hopefully school and studies still work out ok!
Anyway this is my life at the moment and i cant wait to see my dog again this evening... or well tomrorow as i will be taking a night train XD I must admit though a part of my mind tried to tell me that i was being weak for travelling home and that even if its just a few days its a weak thing to do. But now when i think about it afterwards it is so silly to even have those thoughts. Being strong isnt about being independant all the time and refusing help, being strong is about admitting when you are feeling weak and low and allowing others to help you. I need to learn that i am not a lone wolf and dont always need to put on an independant and strong facade, even if i love being independant and free... sometimes i just need to accept that i dont need to do everything alone. But also that 80% of the people in my class who have moved to Gothenburg to study have visited home atleast once or twice or travel back to their home city frequently and many have been shocked in my class when i have said that i havent travelled back to Stockholm and onlyplanned to do it during Christmas. Its so strange how the mind can make up thoughts and sometimes be your own worst enemy. But with self reflection it is easier to see those negative thoughts and to change them. I now realise that a few days back in stockholm isnt me being weak, its me needing family and that is just a sign that i am human and have feelings and emotions!!!