Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, November 2, 2016

normal people thoughts

Trying to remember what it's like to not have a mind so filled with Ed.:

I hate that I feel this way - you never truly get over it:

I remember when i was sick i always wondered, what do normal people think about? And i also wondered how normal people didnt seem to think about food so often, some even forgot to eat, i just didnt understand it. My thoughts were always on food, calories, weight, exercise, my body. I spent most of my time counting calories and thinking about calories. If i ever went out to eat or had to face a fear food i would sit and just look at what others ate and guess how much calories was in the food they were eating, and then i would wonder how could they just sit and eat and look so calm when i was freaking out over a small biscuit i had to eat. I was consumed by my eating disorder thoughts and if i wasnt thinking about food or weight or exercise i would be thinking about suicide and death or freaking out from guilt and anxiety. I remember longing to just be normal.... have normal people problems and normal people thoughts, but i didnt think that would be possible.... to one day not be consumed by numbers... to one day not be consumed with hate for my body, and one day not be consumed by self hate and suicidal thoughts.

What i can say is that it is possible to reach that mindset. But like mentioned many times before, its about change of thoughts and distractions and living life.  I dont know what everyone thinks about, and thoughts are so varied but i can say that my own normal thoughts during a day are often about school, my school work, what i should blog about, what my goals are, planning for the day and organizing and then of course some worrying about the future.  And of course there are some food thoughts such as what i should make for dinner if i dont have a meal already made, or whether i have the ingridients to make the food i am craving, but otherwise i dont spend so much time thinking about food.

My normal people problems might be a little more "sick" as i do struggle with anxiety and some form of depression so its not always "healthy thouhts or problems" i have. But for the majority of the time my problems are.... Scheduling in everything i want to do, what to wear, having enough money, school work, trying to have a clean room etc
  And i much rather choose all of these small "Problems" compared to the problems i had when i was struggling with my eating disorder. Back then all i longed for was to have a day where my worst problem was trying to find the right clothes to wear, instead of being told that i was going to spend X weeks more in hospital, or crying because the sauce had cream in it, or having an anxiety attack because my meal plan was being raised.

It is possible to reach a healthy mindset - and that should be the ultimate goal. Because without a healthy mind its hard to be 100% healthy. Because even if physical health is recommended, you also need your mind to be your friend and to be healthy as well. Your mind controls you, so you need to make sure that your thoughts are healthy.

The more focus on life and living and putting energy into things that bring you forward in life and less focus on things that hold you back or make you sick.  Its a process, just like everything else and i wish i could give you a 5 step program to be free from the obsessive thoughts but unfortunatly that is not possible. Its all up to you to try to think differently, to set up goals that bring you towards a healthy mindset.

You also need to remember that the problems you are dealing with now, they wont last forever. One day you will look back and think "wow, i actually got past that struggle, or that problem resolved itself even if i didnt think it would." (This is a reminder to myself as well - as i worry too much about current problems!)

One day, hopefully your worst problem of the day will be that you forgot to wash your hair and its greasy or that your sock has a hole in it!!!


  1. It seems an age ago that I had "normal people thoughts" and I miss those days of spontinaity, impulse and basically a more "care free" approach to life.
    This morning I just felt like crying. My skin and hair have all gone to pot and I don`t know what to do to try to improve them. I know you say that we shouldn't focus too much on our bodies but the condition of my hair and skin right now is awful, and its really affected me. Despite all my health problems I still try to look after myself and keep myself looking presentable, make the best of what I am so this really hurts me. My hair has become so fine and unmanageable and its started falling out again, and my skin all over me is so dry its flaking. I have got some hair skin and nails supplement tablets so are going to start taking those, but is there anything else I can do? Are there specific things I can include in my diet that will help? If anyone has any advice or have had similar problems with their hair a nd skin?

    1. hello Carol,
      i share your pain. my hair is almost all gone and my skin is flaking too. i have no toe nails as they have fallen off and my fingernails are crumbling. supplements no longer help me - i have been ill with anorexia for 21 years and my body is so damaged that it will never heal :( i wish you all the very very best and send you positive and healing vibrations ♥ stay strong ☼ ♫

    2. Its never fun to deal with the consequences of an eating disorder and when it begins to affect skin and nail and hair, but all i can say is that by getting enough vitamins and nutrients and energy (as well as enough protein) daily for a longer period of time it will get better. It doesnt happen over night or over a week, but over several months so the best thing you can do is to remember that each time you dont want to eat or skip a meal. And as lena said, iron is important as well as biotin (and other b vitamins.) I think a supplement can help, but getting your energy and nutrients from food is number one. Also getting enough healthy fats can help with dry skin as well as your hair... are you getting enough omega 3 and 6? I have begun taking a vegan supplement for omega 3 and im going to see if that makes any difference i.e stronger naails and such. I know you may feel down about these things now, but maybe they will be a motivating factor for you as well? :)

    3. Thankyou Izzy. You are right when you say this can become a motivating factor - the fact that it is happening to me has made me determined not to cause any more damage to my body, and it is a reminder that I have to eat well. So each time I feel myself backsliding I will just look at my skin and hair and make sure I eat. I don`t take omega 3 or 6 so maybe I should? I will look into that.
      This happening has really hit home for me, a reality check if you like for all the damage I have no doubtedly done to my body. Its reminded me that the body has limits as to what it can endure and I`ve obviously pushed those limits. But no more. What a wake up call.

  2. Hi carol, I experienced very similar symptoms: dull/dry hair which was falling out, incredible dry skin, brittle nails. It took way into recovery for these things to stop and the only advice I can give you is to eat normally and on a regular base. Not only for a week or two, but every day. With the weight gain the symptoms started to disappear, I had lots of new baby hair growing, my skin wasn't as pale as snow and dry anymore, simply the whole appearance changed. You have to keep in mind that due to malnutrition and underweight, you have serious lacks of very important things like iron, magnesium, zink, potassium which the body needs to function properly. You should also ask your doctor for a blood test to find out how serious the deficiencies are and to fuel your body even better. The hair loss and dry skin is most likely due to iron deficiency, which in my case even led to a serious anaemia. I wish you all the best for your recovery, I'm sure soon you'll be glowing and beautiful again! :)

    1. Thankyou Lean for your reply. I guess I just need to be patient but its so hard. I thought things were supposed to get better in recovery but instead I am faced with more problems! But it makes sense that it will take time. after all I have spent a long time doing damage to my body so its going to take time to heal. I will try to remember that :)