After a 5 year struggle with anorexia (with purging tendencies), depression, self harm and over exercising I have now been recovered from my eating disorders and exercise addiction for 3 years. Though currently struggling with depression and trying to find my happy self again!
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.
I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.
I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
When I choose recovery - my story
Recovery isnt a one time choice, it is a constant choice you make until you are fully recovered. You may wake up one day and feel super motivated and make all the right recovery choices, but those recovery choices have to be made even the days you arent motivated or wanting to recover... that is what recovery is about, fighting through the bad times and choosing to do the right thing even when its tough.
I dont think i had a moment where everything just "became clear" and i "choose recovery" and suddenly everything was super easy. My recovery was all about small choices and progresses forward. Having goals and motivations and reasons to keep me going. One of those reasons, and one of my biggest motivations in recovery was my sister. I remember when i was an inpatient again for my 4th or 5th time (and it was my last time as well), i remember sitting in hospital and hating myself and hating my life and then i began to think.... Why sit in hospital, wasting my life, hating myself but being underweight when i could be out living life and weighing more. That was a sort of epihany i had and definitely something i thought about alot, but still my fear of weight gain and thinking i would never recover held me back from recovering. I did have my sister as a motivation as she was in school and had friends and a boyfriend and was living life, and i wanted that as well. I wanted to be a normal teenager who was in school and had school work and had friends, not have to sit in hospital and feel anxiety because i had to eat or have an activity monitor on me almost 24/7. That motivation wasnt enough for me though, because even if i wanted to live life i didnt fully believe i ever could. I felt so hopeless, not to mention that the hospital had given up on me as well and my mum was slowly giving up hope for my recovery. So i remember how i sat at Mando and i planned how i would secretly stock up on pain killers while at Mando and then once i got time out i would steal pain killers from my mum and sister and hopefully actually overdose and not just end up in the ER like i had at my previous attempt.
However, because i was so sick and because i couldnt be trusted to be at home i wasnt given any leave at home and when i was it was only for a few hours with supervision all the time. So the weeks passed and i began to think more about how i was wasting life... i hated life and hated myself, but there was still a part of me who so badly wanted a normal life. Who so badly wanted to actually live life for once, and that was what kept me going.
Then during the times i got to leave Mando to go to the beach with my family or go to a cafe or i got to see my dog again, it made me feel happy (this was combined with me gaining weight and my body and mind getting the right energy so that i was able to think clearer. My body was getting the right energy and fuel and not malnourished anymore, so it was easier to feel happier and also to feel strong enough to fight off the thoughts in my head.). But all the small moments i had in my life where i felt i could "live" life.... even if it just meant eating an apple while with my family on the beach, or getting to walk through the forest with my dog, it made me happy and made me want to live life. It wasnt always easy, it was awful at times and i got extreme anxiety from resting and not being able to exercise as well as seeing and feeling my body change. I got anxiety while food shopping, anxiety while eating food or eating at different times or eating different food, i was still very much in need of control over everything. But slowly with the help of Mando and the help of my family i began to want to recover. To focus less on my body and more on my life. Focus on getting back to school, on creating a life and feeling happy. Enjoying the small moments in life and not letting my body affect me and not let food hinder me or be something i needed to control. It was about getting to the root of the problem, and 4 years later i am still dealing with my low self esteem but i did deal with my need for control and controlling everything around me. I no longer need that control, as well as learning to not fear the future as much as that was something that scared me emmensly.
Recovery was about taking small steps forward all the time and being PROUD over those steps. Not feeling anxiety or guilty over the fact that i ate or that i bought food for myself. Not feel ashamed that i had to go up in clothes sizes or ashamed that i was sitting in the sofa 24/7 while others were out running or going to the gym. Not compensating food with exercise or purging, and not taking out my anxiety on myself, instead learning to write when i felt the emotions overtaking me. Recovery was about changing how i thought, learning that i was (and am!), more than my body and that my weight doesnt matter. And calories are fuel that my body needs and whether i eat a brownie or a banana doesnt matter, but that i should enjoy the food and eat everything with balance, trust my body as much as possible.
Recovery was an every day and every moment choice until i actually felt fully recovered. And full recovery wasnt just when the doctor wrote on a piece of paper that i no longer had the diagnoses anroexia nervosa, recovery wasnt just when i had reached a healthy weight. But recovery was when i felt fully free from my behaviours, and some behaviours and habits it took longer to break and certain thoughts took longer to change. But one day i felt fully free and knew that an eating disorder no longer controlled me, that food and weight and my body werent thoughts that controlled my mind or affected my life negatively.
Its easy to think that you just wake up one day and want to recover and then you are recovered in a weeks time, but unfortunatly it doesnt work that way. Recovery can take years, but it is about YOU making the right choices and changes towards recovery. Only YOU can know if and when you are truly recovered.