Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: lifewithoutanorexia@hotmail.com

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Sunday, October 2, 2016

Low self esteem and lack of confidence

This is just a weird side comment, but I have noticed lately in your posts that most photos of you you have your head titled to the side. my dad pointed this out to me years ago, that I did the same thing - and he said it is indicative of lack of confidence or low self-esteem. I was shocked to look back and see how in all the photos of me since I was a teenager (when I first became depressed and then very ill) that I was doing the head tilt thing. I now try to be conscious of it and hold my head proudly for photos, and it has a weird way of making me feel more confident and have more self-respect. I only mention this to you because I thought you might find it interesting - and if you look back through your blog you might notice it as well. a couple years ago you faced the camera head-on more. Not that you need to do anything about it, but for me I actually did find it helpful to pay more attention to how I held myself. I hated how self-conscious I was and making a conscious effort to "act as if" really helped. today, I will notice straight away if I head-titled in a photo, and, sure enough, the shot was taken on a day I wasn't feeling the best. and any self-portraits, I actually erase and re-take if I did a head tilt. I don't want to apologize for my existence anymore. any thoughts on this?


This is actually a really interesting point which i have never thought about, though i know i sort of "tilt" my head in photos and have no idea why. Though i mostly blame it on my hair that it sort of pulls my head to one side XD

But it could also be due to the fact that i dont "love" my face or facial features, hahaha... ive struggled with loving how my face looks for a long time but also that as i have gotten older my face has gotten "rounder" compared to when i was younger i always had a slim face. Of course this isnt something i get anxiety over or hate, but its just something ive noticed and never fully liked... but i just get on with my life anyway and know there is nothing i can do about it, so might as well embrace how i look instead of hate myself. (I am only human, so i am not going to lie about this. I preach body love, and i do love my body but there are somethings i accept and embrace rather than love, about myself). And of course i do struggle with low self esteem and lack of confidence, it was worse when i had depression (i rarely took photos then anyway and if i did it was always from a certain angle).  

I do try to work on my self confidence and self esteem regularly as i know it holds me back alot. There are things i dont say because i am worried what people will think, and i dont take up so much "space" instead i rather hide in the back and am never someone who wants attention or focus... instead im just "there". And im comfortable with it, but at the same time i do wish i had more confidence to take up space in my life and not just move around others and let others push me down or push me to the side because i dont stand up for myself. There are many times in my life i have said yes to things because i havent had the confidence to say no or to do what is best for myself, or i have wanted to please others so put their happiness/health instead of my own. And with my low self esteem i never really believer in myself... especially when it comes to school. I study and study and study and still think i will fail, and then when i do get top marks i dont even believe that i got top marks because i just think i did everthing wrong and dont think i am smart. Its like my own little devil in my head. Jjust like with an eating disorder, but the little devil just tells me that i amnt smart or dont do enough or wont pass my course or test... even if that isnt true. But i am working on it. Working on believing in myself and believing that i am smart enough and do enough and that i dont need to be perfect or get top marks all the time.

And i am getting better at it. As i learn to cope with stress, as i learn to be more positive and enjoy life i feel my self esteem and confidence growing. After the past 18 months of depression, i feel that now i am so much stronger mentally... i feel stronger and want to take more place in my life. Set demands and not just "accept" things or let people push me around. I want to believe in myself and my abilities, not just think the worst of myself or my capabilites. I think that was one of the things - combined with stress that lead to my depression. .That i was so stressed and never believed in myself and just let people use me and put other peoples happiness before my own... but now i know better!

I make mistakes, but i learn and i grow and i think that is the important thing. That i can look back and realize what i did wrong or what i should have done better and hopefully not make the same mistakes again!


I think your comment was super interesting and something i am going to think more about... maybe the head tilt is due to my lack of confidence or maybe its just a gravitational pull, hahaha. Who knows... but your comment has made me realise that i do need to dare to take up more space and be more confident. Not hide in the corner and stay silent. And like you wrote... i shouldnt need to "apologie for my existence" - something i did ALOT when i was depressed. For example, i couldnt comprehend why my family or (now ex) boyfriend were so said when i moved away from home in spring.... i thought they would be so happy that i was gone,  that i was finally out of their life. (Yes... i actually thought my boyfriend at the time would be happy that i was gone... that just shows how low self esteem i have and i could never believe him when he said he loved me. I always thought, he could do so much better, why would he want to be with me... he is most probably just lying when he said he loved me, and even when he asked me to move in with him i didnt think he really meant it -_-' (Now i realise just how stupid i was and how i let my low self esteem ruin so much ).This was one of the strains of our relationship... my low self esteem and then combine that with depression = not a functioning relationship at the end).


I am learning, i am growing and my self esteem needs to also grow!


6 comments:

  1. That's such an interesting comment. I know I personally tilt my head just because i know what angles look best in photos. I have pretty dang high self esteem, though, I think! I guess it really depends, but I wouldn't read too much into it. :)

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    1. The head tilt could have stemmed from low self esteem, and i know i have low self esteem but now i think its just a thing of habit. But id ont mind comments like this... it helps me analyze myself and grow as a person!

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  2. Just needed to point out that i love how you're Always so open to anythingand don't shy away from more critical/challegning/personal and confronting comments like the one above! You are so honest and open i love that. Takes a lot of courage!
    On topic: Good comment from anon! I think i might be'guilty' of this as well ever since i recovered more. Though this post only made me just aware of it. Something to work on. And yes, we all learnand grow throughout are lifes. That's so great actually and makes us more beautiful human beings inside and out.

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    1. I am open to all comments and peoples constructive critisizm. I want to develop and grow and sometimes people write comments that really make me think about my own habits or thoughts or routines and that is great :) The only comments i dont accept are ones that personally attack me when they dont even know me, but otherwise i love all other forms of comments :)

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  3. Thanks for giving my comment a whole post! I went and added to my previous comment because I worried it came out like a criticism, but then this morning I saw this really lovely insightful post. It makes you think, eh? Those four pics at the end are a perfect example, and make me think your tilt is indeed actually a self-esteem issue. The bottom photos were taken during a much more confident time in your life, and your head is up high and straight on with a big smile. It's funny how such a small thing - holding my head proudly in photos - can translate to feeling better about myself in general. It's like that research that says putting a smile on can actually improve your mood. Holding your head high can improve your confidence. It's the psychological trick of acting as if you already feel that way. Action breeds changes in thoughts - which was the subject of another post of yours recently! It's all related :)

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    1. I had actually replied to your first comment in a post before you made your second comment haha. I didnt find it critical or rude or anything, it was a very interesting point and something i never considered. I think my head tilt is just out of habit (maybe it first stemmed from low confidence) as well as just a flattering angle or something... who knows. I love when i get comments that get me thinking about my own habits or routines or whatever :) I am all about self improvment!!

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