Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Feeling sad and dealing with panic and stress


It feels like at the moment my body has done a little "shut down" thing where i just feel tired and heavy and most of all just want to lie in bed and listen to podcasts all day.

Tuesday evening - after a long day in school, i came home and i felt how panic and stress was rising in my body. The feeling where i couldnt relax at all, i wanted to be productive... i knew i should be doing something but at the same time i felt so tired and i knew that if i tried to study i wouldnt get anything done at all, so it would be better to just relax. But i couldnt relax at all... the panic rising inside of my body, i felt restless and anxious and when i feel that way its hard to breathe properly, hard to think and its like ants under my skin where i just want to itch my skin off and escape from my own body and mind. A horrible feeling. I dont even have anything to feel stressed over or panicked over, but yet i couldnt stop those feelings.... so instead i just sat with my panicked feelings and was up half the night as i couldnt sleep. Then on Wednesday i got up early, joined some friends to study in school for a few hours before coming home and continuing with my studying somewhat, and after that i felt productive and energetic enough to clean my room completely, clean the kitchen, wash my hair and was planning to do my laundry, but by 7pm i was completely exhausted. So instead i just lay in bed and listened to a podcast and by 8pm i had fallen asleep, and slept almost completely until 8am (was awake for 30 minutes at 12pm when i felt awake, but still tired).

Despite sleeping 12 hours i dont feel so energetic today, instead i just feel tired and sad. Like no amount of positive thinking or sleep could cure me from my sadness or tiredness today. I feel unmotivated for anything today.... brushing my hair feels like too much energy, and the only reason i might leave my houe today is because i have barely any food at home.... so if i find the energy i'll go to the store, otherwise i'll basically just eat oats and lentils today.

It feels strange and awful to feel this way again... after so much happiness and positivity, and now i feel like someone has run me over with car and i have this huge weight weighing me down.  I know i am just feeling this way because i have sort of a cold at the moment - i.e not fully sick, but if i push myself too much that cold will break out.

I am writing this post because i want to show that i am human. I have been doing so much better, been feeling so happy but at times there comes these swings of negativity when panic hits or sadness takes over. But i know that this wont last long... its not that extremely heavy feeling where i begin to contemplate whether life is worth it. Now its just a general sadness and tiredness which will most probably be gone tomorrow... but today i am just going to allow myself to feel tired and sad. Allow myself to mope around in doors all day and drink lots of coffee and just do nothing.

My best tips for when you feel anxious or panicked or sad is to talk to someone... call a friend or family or meet someone. But also writing can help... express yourself in some form and get yourself thinking about other things. And i also find that podcasts or audiobooks (or reading) are a huge help aswell. Whenever i feel sad or lonely i put on a podcast and i dont feel as sad anymore, but also it helps distract me for example when i felt so panicked... i couldnt lie/sit still and watch a series, so instead i put on a podcast and cleaned the kitchen and made a huge lentil soup, just to keep myself from just sitting in my room with panic. As that wont help me feel better. If i didnt live in such a "shady" place of gothenburg i would have gone for a walk as that helps as well, but as it was dark and late i didnt think that would be such a great idea.

It is never fun or easy to be hit with strong emotions, but know that the feelings will pass and they are just feelings. They wont last forever and you are stronger than your feelings.
   Sometimes you just need to allow yourself to feel a certain way... i.e sometimes you need to just allow yourself to feel sad and not fake a smile or pretend you are super happy. But also to find how  YOU cope with stress or anxiety or panic. Trying to find healthy coping mechanisms. In the past i abused exercise, self harmed and restricted to cope with my strong emotions and feelings. But now i listen to podcasts, talk to someone in my family, go for a walk, clean or make food or write to cope with my feelings... but also to acknoweldge that it is just a feeling. The feelings will pass and i should never react upon those feelings or do something i will regret - i have done that in the past, and it is never a fun feeling to wake up the next day and realise what you have done or wake up with scars because you acted upon the strong emotions.  Find ways to cope and know that the strong emotions will pass.... but if you feel weighed down with stress or sadness or find yourself struggling with panic or anxiety attacks often, then you need to reach out for help and not suffer in silence. There is help out there, you just have to look for it :)

Anyway, i am now going to drink some coffee and try to get some studying done as i am feeling a little better after writing this post! Getting to express myself and how i feel and have an outlet for my emotions is one of my favourite things about blogging. I started off blogging as a way to help myself and to express myself when i couldnt speak to others... but now its more a way for me to help others. But at times i need to just express myself on here as well and use my blog as an outlet for my thoughts and current emotions!! Writing is so beneficial for me :)

Anyway, i hope you all have a lovely day! Make the best of it and know that you can get through whatever you are struggling with!!!

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  1. I think it's great that you're being so honest and real towards your readers but more importantly: Towards yourself!!
    Of course you're only human. And no one in the world expects you to be perfect. Not at all. Besides i think it's pretty amazing how you've been able to overcome your mental brain ghosts for the most part at least. That's truly admirable and such an accomplishment. We've all got our weaknesses and rough times in life.
    I wish i could give YOU some good advice on top of telling you the above. Just know that you really aren't alone too!!

  2. I`m sorry to hear you are feeling like this and hope that your day got better as it went on and today you are feeling more like your old self. I too have been getting anxiety just lately without really understanding why, and its not nice. Don`t forget that your family are only a phonecall away if feelings begin to overwhelm you - don`t try to struggle on alone. I`m sure though that this is just a "blip" in your otherwise positive life and like you say, it will pass. Go easy on yourself and don`t overthink this - going down with a cold will make your spirits low.
    Hopefully after a days rest you will feel better about things again - it is good that you find writing beneficial to your mood and its a good distraction!
    Take care :)

  3. I think you really need to work on being good enough, and one doesn't have to be so productive all the time! The body and mind has its limits, you have to take care of yourself and rest more <3

  4. Hope you`re feeling well again now Izzy and taking it easy :) Be kind to yourself and have a lovely weekend