Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Monday, October 3, 2016

Accidently eating a non vegan food as a vegan

Question: (First part removed)... So anyway, i was doing well on this diet(vegan) for almost a year, gaining weight and becoming more free and myself. 
However, this morning i thought i'd challenge myself and meet  up with a friend at a cafe for breakfast. I find eating out, or anyone else making my food, very stressful and challenging, but i thought i was ready to break that fear. 

I ordered avocado toast, and specifically requested it be vegan. They said that was no problem. I ate the food and enjoyed catching up with my friend over the meal. That was until the waiter came up to me, after i had finished, apologising and telling me the toast actually has butter underneath the avocado (i couldn't see it). 

I was absolutely distraught, and have felt so guilty, disgusting, cruel, confused, panicked and powerless. I just felt so stupid that i had messed up so badly. Ive been trying to wrestle with an impulse to just completely relapse. I really don't want to spiral back into old habits, but this incident has really shaken me up. I can't shake my inner critical voice that is just ruining my day and telling me i should never go out with friends or eat at a cafe ever again. 

I have tried to see if you have written any blog post on the topic of accidentally eating a non vegan food, but i haven't been able to find one. You're probably a lot more aware and wouldn't make such a silly mistake. But, I would really love to hear your insight on the topic, whether it's ever happened to you, how to cope with the negative feeling  etc. 
I understand you're probably extremely busy, and i totally understand if you are unable to respond. 

  I understand why you might be feeling this way, but you really dont have to. Trust me, you arent a bad person, you did nothing wrong and you shouldnt feel guilty. Yes, veganism is about consciously not contributing to animal suffering and doing your best to stay away from products or food that contain animal products. But you no one is perfect, there is no such thing as a perfect vegan because todays society abuses animals for many different things and animal products can be found everywhere, and also... unfortunatly cafes and restaurants aren't always the best at accomodating to vegans.
  You DIDNT purposely eat the butter or consciously choose to do it, and you arent less of a vegan because you have eaten some butter - the world keeps spinning. The blame is to be put on the cafe - it was their mistake. You ordered a simple avocado on toast and asked for it to be vegan - they should have accomodated to that request, and they didnt so it is their fault. And my suggestion is to just write a bad review for them (hahaha) and to move on. You shouldnt feel guilty for this, you CAN eat out at restaurants and cafes and get your food completely vegan - sometimes you need to double check or be extra precise when telling your order. And some people from a vegan group i am in, say that its best to just say you are allergic to milkprotein because then they NEED TO make sure there is no milkprotein in your food, as that would *if real* cause an allergic reaction.
  I find it terrible though that some people have to lie and say they are allergic to milkprotein, just to make sure their food is vegan... cafes and restaurants should be able to make a food as requested (as long as it isnt something extreme such as no dairy, no gluten, no soy, no beans, no corn, no onion etc etc then it can be hard to accomodate).

You shouldnt feel guilty, you did an amazing thing to face your fear and to go out to eat. It was just bad timing and awful of the restaurant, but dont feel bad about this. You DONT need to be paranoid or suspicious of everyone, of course with veganism there can be a slight suspiciousness when someone else makes your food, But when you have had an eating disorder/have an eating disorder you CAN NOT live a life where you feel guilty for eating a food (even if it is none vegan) or you feel like an awful person for eating some type of food or suspicious of everyone making food for you. You can not live with those thoughts because it will cause guilt and anxiety. Food is fuel and energy and even if you have made the choice to not eat animal products or contribute to animal cruelty, you shouldnt have to walk around on guard and feel guilty.

Move on, and next time maybe double check the food, thats my best advice. But keep going out to eat, its the only way to overcome the fear of eating out and eating food prepared by others.

Fight the anxiety thoughts and the guilt and be kind to yourself. I recently made a post where i wrote that i had a glass of white wine and when i came home i realised that alcohol isnt always vegan (infact only few types are vegan) so when i googled i saw that it wasnt vegan and of course i vegan to feel a little guilty and wondered "why hadnt i double checked before hand". But you know what, i am only human and i do my best 99% of the time to be conscious, but i made a "mistake" and well i have learnt from it.... next time i will know what alcohol sort is vegan. So i moved on and dont feel guilty - because that is NOT how it should be.
Remember vegan is more than the diet.. and i find that being a vegan and being aware of all the suffering and seeing how much dairy and meat is sold and how much is eaten and how people are so blindly contributing to it. It can be SO OVERWHELMING and i just want to scream.... how people can be so ignorant, but then i remind myself that all i can do is my best. I can do my best in my life and maybe inspire others to eat more plant based meals or atleast make a conscious effort in their day to make choices that help the planet and to buy products that arent tested on animals, or to atleast not buy any leather or wool or products with ivory etc

Move on - that is my best advice. You can not be too hard on yourself, you still have an eating disorder and that should be the main priority to recover from. You can not sit at home and prepare all your meals and be too scared to ever eat out or ever eat at friends houses or to travel etc, that is NOT a life. You still need to live a life and you cant always prepare your own food.  Eating and guilt should NEVER go together, that is just a bad combination.

Face your fears again and dare to eat out at cafes again! Stay strong and fight those ED thoughts, dont punish yourself for something you didnt do wrong!

Remember - veganism is not about being perfect, but about intentions. I follow many Vegan youtubers and almost all of them have made a video about a time they oredered or accidently ate a vegan food, and they all said the same thing.... "first there was a little anxiety, a little anger but then they moved on and realised that they didnt do anything wrong. They didnt intentionally order the food or product with animals products in, and whether they ate the whole food or only a bite of it, they shouldnt feel guilty. They do their best 99.9% of the time, and everyone makes "mistakes" . It will happen again... trust me, this wont be the last time you accidently consume or buy a non vegan food/product, so you need to learn to deal with it and remember your intentions and all of the other positive things you do to help the planet and the animals!!

1 comment:

  1. Honestly, I understand your feeling of guilt for eating a non-vegan food, but this behaviour is overreacting IMO. Vegan food seems to be a "safe food" in this case but during or after recovery there shouldn't be any safe foods anymore at all. If this incident is a trigger for you to relapse into ED habits there's something going wrong in your recovery. It has been posted here on this Blog a lot that veganism is not recommended during recovery. Recovery is about facing all kinds of food without fear and restriction.