Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, September 25, 2016

When you know what you are doing is wrong but you can't stop

It is much easier to give out or to read advice, but much harder to actually follow it or implement it yourself. I was thinking about the past when i struggled with my eating disorder, i was given advice about what to do or how to think or how to cope, and even if part of me knew that i should "just eat" i just couldnt do it anyway. I wasnt stupid when i was sick, even if the rational and logical part of my brain wasnt at its best as the things i did and said or thoughts i had were far from logical or rational due to my eating disorder.

I knew that purging wasn't healthy or normal. I knew that skipping breakfast and lunch and snacks and just eating a tiny bit of dinner wasnt normal, but i couldnt stop either. When i was going through a binge-purge-restrict cycle i knew that it wasnt healthy and i kept telling myself "tomorrow.... tomorrow i wouldnt binge or purge", but the same thing happened anyway no matter how much i told myself "tomorrow i will change".

Often you know what is right or wrong - not always, but often. But it isnt always easy to follow the right advice when you struggle with an eating disorder.  Your mind goes blank and your eating disorder controls you and you can't think straight or properly or think about the consequences of your actions. If only it was as simple as "just eat" or "dont purge" then nobody would struggle with an eating disorder. When you struggle with an eating disorder you also become a little blind to reasonable thinking around food, such as when i was restricting i couldnt even eat half an apple without feeling extremely guilty, but then when i was binging i could eat a whole loaf of bread, 12 cookies, a box of raisins and half a box of granola all at once and as long as i purged i would feel somewhat ok.

When it comes to recovery it isnt enough to just read advice or recieve advice - you have to follow it as well. And it isnt enough to just say "i'll start tomorrow" over and over and keep going with your destructive habits because tomorrow never comes.

Image result for recovery steps eating disorders
My best tips is to set up goals and decide on a plan you follow everyday/weekly. For example, in the beginning of recovery from restrictive eating you decide that you eat 4 meals a day, no compromising. You set up that goal and then you just make sure to do it.... and i know its easier to write it on here, and not as easy to follow when you are sick. But i do believe that if you decide on small steps every day/week it will get you far in recovery. If you dont have a plan or routine to follow in recovery it is so easy to compromise... if you instead follow a meal plan where it says exactly what you should eat then there is no "i dont know what to eat. Im not hungry. I want to eat just salad etc" type of thoughts, because it is already decided for you. Or if you decide that two times a week you face a fear food, and decide that Wednesday and Saturday night you will eat 2 scoops of ice cream, and then it is just to do it... no matter how much anxiety or guilt you feel.

Of course you also have to have "blind faith" and just trust the process of recovery and the advice you recieve. As well as trying to think logically and rationally, for example... if others can eat 2000-2500kcal and maintain, why cant you do that? Or if others can eat normal portions for their meals, why cant you do that as well? Why are you "special" or "different". You need to challenge your eating disorder thoughts and try to find the "real" you and be smarter than your ED. And just trust the steps and process of recovery - as well as finding how to cope with the anxiety and guilt you may feel.

Decide to set up a recovery plan/steps and follow them. Trust the process but also decide that you WANT to and NEED to recover. No one can make you recover, that happens on the inside with your thoughts. Recovery is about physically and mentally recovering and all those ED thoughts you have.... you need to fight them and face them and need to acknowledge which thoughts are unhealthy and need to change. And then it is up to you to face your fears to overcome those thoughts and to find the root of the problem to help change your thoughts! Its not enough to just eat or just rest, but also to change your thoughts regarding food, body image, weight, exercise, self esteem, the future/past etc

Somewhere inside you you know what is right and wrong and even if your mind can go blank or your eating disorder makes you do things which arent healthy or logical, know that you have the strength inside of you to do what is right!

Image result for recovery steps eating disorders
Image result for recovery steps eating disorders
Image result for recovery steps eating disorders


  1. Hey Izzy, this Message is not really related to the post but I know that this might unterest you: today in German tv in which a guy "tries out" different types of eating disorders, from binge eating to anorexia to bulimia. The Show is called "Jenke Experiment " and this guy tried out drugs as well. If you want to know more I can give you some more Information :)

    1. Hmm... "tries" eating disorders? That doesnt sound like something i like and makes me a little angry, hahaha. I guess the show was in German? You can sned me more information if you want... but the show sounds a little strange and unhealthy!

    2. I am also from Germany and watched the Show yesterday. It is still annoying me.
      You can watch some parts here if you like

  2. How weird! Who would choose to want to try an eating disorder? I mean what was he hoping to get out of it? Strange programme indeed. They make some stupid tv these days!

  3. What an excellent post - thankyou Izzy. I suppose that's the purpose of an eating plan, to keep you on track even on the days you don`t feel like sticking to it, you can see it there in black and white and know that you need to follow it.
    It is hard staying the course though and I`ve had days where I get that voice telling me if I do such and such just this once it wouldn't really matter, but deep down I know its not right. Recovery is so dammned hard - a lot harder than I thought it would be and its not just a case of eating, theres everything else as well. These days I just take it one day at a time and try to build on my previous day, remembering to go forward and not back.
    Its a long hard journey but one I am determined to see through this time - I`ve had my fair share of relapse and it wasn't good (. onwards and upwards now.

  4. I love this post. Recovery begins with having faith, and then taking action. You don't think yourself into a new way of living - you live yourself into a new way of thinking. In the beginning, we have no evidence of recovery working or being worth it, and we have no practice with the new skills. The only way out is through, and it starts with taking definitive action steps. As time passes, we gather evidence that sustains our efforts and motivates our progress. We discover that we can handle gaining weight, or giving up behaviours that have kept us feeling safe for so long. We discover that these changes actually make life better for us and those around us. We are happier, we become honest, he begin connecting with others in a meaningful way again, we feel our spirits breathing life again. We learn to trust the process and as a result we start learning to trust ourselves. But it all begins with taking a deep breath and taking a leap of faith, and action in the right direction. Recovery builds upon itself, and action breeds action, and it all accumulates into changes in our perspectives and the way we think. It is important to actively work on our thoughts, but you can't just think your way out of a mental illness. Take action everyone! And do so with faith, it will get you through when your own strength and will are not enough.