Life without Anorexia
My motto is 'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'
My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.
I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.
I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!
If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Friday, September 23, 2016
Suspicion and paranoia in recovery
Something which i thought about the previous day was how when i was sick i couldnt let anyone else make me food, or leave my food with anyone else.
I was paranoid and suspicious of everyone. I thought that if i left my food to say go get a glass of water, that suddenly someone would pour loads of butter, cream, oil or sugar on my food. That they would change my low fat yoghurt to full fat yoghurt, or that just by turning my back on the food, it would suddenly end up being more calories in the food.
I was constantly paranoid, this fear that people would add things to my food. Do something to my food and i wouldnt be aware of it. Whenever my mum cooked food i had to rigoursly stand and watch every little thing she did, and each time she added oil, butter or sugar to the food i would end up crying. And just refusing the food... It was both a comfort but also hell to watch the food being made. I knew what was in the food, but at the same time that made me even less likely to eat it. Really i wasnt allowed to be in the kitchen when food was being made - while i was a day patient, but i stood there and watched anyway.
These thoughts, the suspicion and paranoia. They are signs of a very sick mind... because lets be honest, when you turn your back on your food. It is very unlikely that someone will just pour oil over your food, or add some other ingredient that you arent aware of that.
People dont do that.However i was convinced that everyone was plotting against me to make me fat. There were several times when if we went out to a cafe or bar and i ordered a cola zero but when i got it, i would refuse to drink because i was sure that it was normal cola - in a cola zero bottle. -_-' And even with coffee, i would refuse to drink the coffee because i was sure a waitress had put something in it.
You need to fight these types of thoughts, if you also have them. Because they are just making you sicker. You dont need to leave with paranoia and fear... fear of everyone conspiring against you or trying to make you fat. Because people arent doing that.
You need to realise that Your worst enemy is inside your head! Its not the people around you who are trying to make you fat, its the voice inside your head trying to starve yourself to death.
When you get these sorts of thoughts and fears pop up into your head Fight them!! Be rational, because deep down you know... even if you have to dig for the rational thoughts. You know that people arent messing with your food? Why would they? They have no reason to.
And its ok to let others make food for you, they wont add all these ingredients, just because. Most people dont do that.
One of the things in recover was learning to let others make me food, or let others serve me. It was hard... it was awful not knowing how much yoghurt was poured or how much butter was put on the bread. But i had to let go of these fears.... because you cant live a life whre you are scared to let someone else serve you, or eat food which is offered because you dont know whats in them.
All these ED thoughts and habits, you need to fight them to get better.
And i know how tough it is, i honestly do. Fighting the fears, the anxiety, the guilt. But there is no other way. You wont feel better by living with these thoughts and fears. You need to fight them and get rid of them to get better. To feel happier.