Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Sunday, September 11, 2016

Everyone else is exercising, so why cant I?

Something which ive noticed more and more, is that people who are recovering from an eating disorder are turning to exercise Way to early.
   And this isnt healthy... For me, i wasnt allowed to exercise until i was 2-4kg away from my goal weight. And then it was light and moderate exercise that was key. No long runs, no heavy weight lifting, no extreme exercise.. light exercise like walking, swimming for 30 minutes, a jog for 30 minutes etc

The type of thinking like Im just gaining fat... im just going to be fat when ive reached my goal weight, 'normal' people and others recovering and exercising. I want muscle, instead of fat.
   I also have people emailing me asking how they can gain muscle and no fat...

And i just want to hug you all... this type of thinking is SO wrong. You have to realise that you are underweight... even if it might not feel like it, you might feel huge, or fat or whatever when you look in the mirror. But that ISNT true.
   You are NOT going from normal weight to over weight, then yes... gaining fat might not be optimal. But you are going from underweight to a healthy weight. And you arent just gaining fat, if thats what you think... your bones are getting stronger, your hair and nails are growing, your organs are repairing themselves, your muscles becoming stronger - even if you might not physically be working them, your muscles are getting energy. Water weight, bone density, a little fat which redistributes itsself, muscle, organs etc...
  No its not just fat you are gaining.

And no, you cant just gain muscle mass without putting on a little fat. Unless you have super help frmo a PT who knows perfectly what they are doing.
  But also, from what i have read from many people emailing me.... those of you who email me wanting to gain muscle, arent actually eating enough for it. Eating low calories while exercising lots and hoping for muscle gain isnt how it works. For me, i had to eat lots more, cut out most cardio and focus on HEAVY weights & of course 1-2 rest days a week for best recovery for my muscles.
But you need to ask yourself... do you just want to build muscle so that you weigh more on the scale? Thats another way of cheating the scale.
   You can try to lie your way to a healthy weight, But you cant trick your body. If you have muscles and very little fat procent, and have a 'healthy' weight because of your muscles... your body knows better. You might not get your period if you are a girl... granted, guys can have a much lower fat procent and more muscles without being unhealthy. But for females, we NEED a certain fat procent. Its healthy... there is nothing wrong with it.
   To have some tummy rolls or fat you can 'pinch' there is nothing wrong with that.

And i KNOW it can seem awful that girls and guys on IG and other social media sites are supposedly recovering but seem to do a hellalot of exercise, running several times a week and eating salad and veggies... Ive been there... in BOTH situations. The girl jealous of everyone else in recovery who was thinner than me exercising, but also been the girl running 7 days a week and eating salad while supposedly recovering.
  But i LEARNT my lesson... i realised what i was doing was wrong. But also, its left me with hip, knee and lowerback pain from all the exercise i was doing.
You need to realise that you arent going to turn fat just because you arent exercising. Infact, its healthier for you to wait until you reach your healthy weight to begin exercising - if thats what you want. Not everyone likes exercise, and thats perfectly fine aswell :)
  But when you are a healthy weight, your body will have more energy. It will have the proper fuel and energy for your workouts. It wont break down muscles to try to fuel your exercise. But also, you will nourish yourself better as well. Your body wont fight against you, or be under loads of pressure to try to repair itsself. It will feel and be healthy.
Also, there is a consequence if you  are a girl that too much exercise while recovering can lead to amenorrhea as your body is under so much stress from both trying to recover, and all the stress from exercise.
  And the longer your period is gone for, the less likely it is to come back..... so think of that. Many of the girls you see on IG who are exercising all the time, can actually be infertile as they have damaged themselves so much.
While i was sick, i had no interest for guys, sex or any of that.. and said that i would rather be infertile than have to eat or stop exercising. Now of course i am VERY happy that my body is healthy and functioning properly!
Here are some links to posts and information that might help you/inform you:


  1. Do you think going for walks counts as exercise in recovery? Ex i go on a 30-40 min walk every day. I'm underweight still but it really does reduce anxiety and i do it to be mindful not burn calories

    1. Yes its exercise.... i.e moving your body = exercise. And if i walk like 20+ minutes then i do consider it a workout... however if i am just walking to the store or get off a station earlier and walk the last bit that isnt a workout, but it is still exercise.
      As long as the walk isnt a powerwalk, and that you can ALLOW yourself to rest if you are tired or dont feel like walking, then it can be ok... however, generally when you are underweight and trying to gain weight it is best that you just rest - or take short 10-20 minute walks and no more.
      You have the rest of your life to go for walks, so why not go a few weeks and let your body rest and not exercise?

  2. I go for a walk - 30-40 min every morning too, maybe I should stop? Its just that I feel I need to do something remotely "physical" as I have bed rest every afternoon (doctors orders) and to be honest I feel like I am turning into a vegetable. I enjoy my walks - they give me a change of scene and I do all my thinking then! But if they are harmful I shall stop. I`m very underweight and probably termed quite poorly so maybe that would be best? what do you think? My doctor doesn't know I go for walks.
    Perhaps its time to get the colouring books out instead. Its just that I feel I want to actually DO something. Can you understand that feeling?

    1. If you are very underweight i would stop with the walks. I know how therapeutic they are - i love going for walks and find them so peaceful, however they are still exercise and if you are underweight your body needs all the rest it can get. I would cut down to maybe 10-15 minutes 1-3 times a week and no more than that. I know it can be tough, but right now your body needs rest and you have the rest of your life to go for walks and to exercise so for now just get the rest your body needs :) Try other things such as colouring, writing, drawing or even some stretching if you begin to feel stiff/sore in your body. But you DONT need to exercise, you can do that later on in life if you enjoy it.

      And i understand you completely, i mean i LOVE exercise and find it super therapeautic, but when i was recovering i had to realise that exercising wouldnt help me or help me recover, especially not when it was something i did out of compulsion and because i thought i had to. Instead i began watching youtube videos and tutorials, documents, films, series. I wrote and blogged alot, i editedpictures, i tried playing guitar, i did alot of wordsearches and suduko, made jewellery, sowed bags etc all these things to keep my mind occupied so that i didnt feel anxious for not moving and exercising. If oyu just sit around and do nothing, then it can feel worse, but if you do different things during the day (low activity) you can feel more productive :) Maybe learn something new or start a new hobby (which requires little activity). It might feel tough, but it will help you in the long term - keep that in mind :)

  3. Thankyou Izzy for your answer - I know you make perfect sense. I have been meaning to get my cross stitching on the go again so maybe now is the right time for it! I will cut down on my walking to what you suggest and thanks for the ideas of what else to do. I have decided to start a home study sociology course so I`m sure that will occupy me too. Giving up my walking won`t be easy but if it is beneficial to me then I will, and like you say, I have plenty of time later when I`m better to go for walks:) Perhaps this could be one of my goals to work towards.
    Thanks again. I hope you are feeling better today and have managed to get your medication sorted out. I know what a nightmare it is sorting out new doctors when you move - its a lot of hassle :(