Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Thursday, August 11, 2016

The struggles you feel now wont last forever. You will be happy again.

If you told me only a few weeks/months ago that i would feel happy again i would have struggled to believe you. If you would have told me that i would laugh and smile willingly, that i would feel this bubble of inner happiness again i would have thought you were lying, but that is how i felt today.

Just a few months ago i used to walk a little too close to the edge of the train platform, and i would walk by the edge and look at the train tracks - wondering what would happen if i were to fall or just decide to jump.

I wanted to carve the words "save me" onto my body, but instead all i did was draw lines on paper and write save me in my journal. Secretly hoping that someone would do just that - save me.

Darkness and negativity were the most prominent things in my mind and sometimes i thought, "well this is just how i am. This is just how i will live. THis is me", but now i know that that wasnt me.

At times i walked straight out onto the road and didnt look because i just didnt care what would happen if i got hit by a car, i didnt care for my own life but all the time i told others to keep fighting for their life.

I isolated myself and didnt want love, attention or anyone to be close to me. I pushed people away because i couldnt stand myself, so how could others stand me or how could others love me.

I was a 24/7 mess, with a few good days here and there.

My days and nights were filled with extreme anxiety and guilt and panic as well as fear and irrational fears. I felt desperate, isolated and alone. Silently crying for help but not wanting to reach out for help.

But you know what... opening up, talking to those around me and getting  help was the thing i needed even if it scared me so much. No, i havent gone to therapy and most likely wont but instead i am taking alternative medication which is helping me alot. Also focusing on the positives, on doing things that make me feel good and knowing what is best for me. It is easy to put my own feelings and wants and needs to the side and to stay silent about them, but instead i need to priortize them. Not let myself feel stressed or overwhelmed, just focus on myself for a while and that has helped me alot. To just have myself and my health in focus.

Each day leaving the house. Giving myself a reason to live, giving myself reasons to be happy. Having things to look forward to. Knowing that my family care about me, knowing that they support me and care for me. At first i felt it very suffocating when my depression was being discussed about and my parents had to cancel their summer plans as my mum didnt want to leave me home alone. I felt it suffocating to have them at home all the time and to know that they werent out on an island like they wanted to be. But i know that it is because they care and they wanted to make sure that i was ok and that i could talk to someone if i needed to. My mum also made me talk daily with her the first week and we set up a plan on what would be best for me and how they could help, and with the right balance of freedom and communication it has helped me alot.
   Since i opened up with my mum i feel like i can talk to her alot easier, like there isnt that wall between me and my family, like they have some form of understanding. But also that i am feeling better now, feeling happier and more energetic. Smiling, having energy, going to the gym again, gaining weight again, sleeping better, less anxiety, less stress, less fear.... even if my body is still very out of balance and there are still bad days, there are so many more positive days.

And today was a very positive day where i had this bubbling positive feeling inside of me. And it was like all of the customers at the store noticed that.... that my positive energy spread to them, and when i said hi, they were all so positive back to me! Vibes and energy are very contageous!

I am cherishing these moments because unfortunatly i never know how long they will last. But today was one of the first days in a long time i realised that when i was walking at the train station i was staring down at the train tracks or unconsciously walking too close to the edge. Instead i was walking a safe distance away from the edge, listening to good music and feeling happy over my great day at work.

Life can get better trust me. One of my best tips for mental illness is COMMUNICATION and reaching out for help. Making changes in your life necessary to get better. I have had to make hard decisions, but they have helpd me feel better and that is the important thing even if the decisions were hard to make. Try to think more positive, keep going and reach out for help and dont give up!


  1. Hi Izzy - I am so, so pleased that you have opened up to your mum and found support from your family. I know this must have been hard for you but I am so glad you now see it as a good, positive thing.
    I hope you never have to experience such dark days again and from here you can look forward to a new, positive, exciting chapter in your life and know that you have the unconditional love and support from your family. There is nothing on earth quite like a mothers love and I`m sure you will benefit from this extra closeness as much, if not more, than you would gain from therapy.
    I wish you well and many more happy days. May you never feel so lonely and desperate again. Without a doubt your inner strength has seen you through this period and I hope you continue to experience those happy and positive times :)
    It was lovely to read how well you are doing but very saddening to learn just how desperate times were for you, but you are definitely on the up now.

  2. This is such a great post, thank you for sharing the specific and practical things you did to get on top of your mental health and depression issues. I am definitely one of the readers who suggested therapy to you, but therapy is not the only solution. The important part is having *someone* in your life with whom you have open, honest, and constructive communication with. This person has to have a vested interest in your well-being, and an objective and guiding influence in your life. Your mom, from the sounds of it, is exactly that, so this is great :) I have used therapy many many times, but currently my "person" is my sponsor, and my relationship with her is every bit as helpful and important to my health as any counselor has ever been. We all need a "tribe" around us, it's human nature and the way we function best. Giving up the fallacy that we can do it on our own, that we don't need help, that independence is strength while interdependence is weakness - this is one of the best things we can do for ourselves. Especially if we struggle with mental health issues. I'm so happy to hear you are doing better and that you may have found a path to solution that can work long-term. It is incredibly freeing to finally have someone on board to be honest and open with, who is willing to help and wants the best for us. The more we practice reaching out and communicating, the easier it gets, too, and the more helpful it becomes. My sponsor is the first person I turn to now when my mind is troubled, regardless of whether it is a "serious" issue or not. I sidestep so many potholes in life from doing this, and have help whenever I do end up falling in.

    I don't know if there's anything further you can share on this subject (like the plans you and your mom made, or what you actually talk about?), but it would be interesting and helpful to hear you expand on this because it really seems to be the key to how you are healing from your depression. I'd love to hear more.