Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

I am a generally happy girl who loves running, going to the gym and eating food!! Though my life has been very different.
I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia & purging tendencies & over exercising. I was depressed and self harmed. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
After alot of struggles, lots of ups and downs, suicide attempts, tears, anxiety, panic and never thinking i would be healthy.
I am now declared healthy from anorexia nervosia.

I have been blogging for 4 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I am happy and healthy and living my life. Going to school, meeting friends and trying to find myself in this world.

I write about my daily life, but also try to write posts about how it was when i was sick, advice and tips.
I am open and friendly, so dont be scared about writing a post or sending me an email at:


Sunday, August 21, 2016

Lack of recovery motivation - how to recover mentally. Answer

Hi - I`ve ben reading quite a bit about recovery and I`ve come to the conclusion that it scares me. Apparently weight restoration is the "easiest" part - the real hard work comes after when you have to maintain that weight, heal your mind and thought process. What if I can`t do it? what if this weight gain is for nothing and I can`t deal with the outcome? What if the thoughts don`t go away? I have gained and lost the weight again and I feel like I am back at square one. Only this time I have no motivation to start to gain weight again, although I know I need to. I am at a an even lower weight than I was before my first recovery attempt and I am scared. I just don`t have the inclination to do it again, before for some reason I did. How can I get that back? I need todo something, I know that much. This time round the physical effects are massive and I just feel ill all the time. Before at least I had the energy to live my daily life and function, now I don`t. What can I do to get the motivation back to want to begin recovery again? I feel so trapped.

Recovery is scary, recovery is basically stumbling in the darkness and not knowing what awaits for you. As you wrote, weight gain is the easy part (and not even everyone with an eating disorder needs to gain weight). Eating disorders are mental illnesses and means mental recovery. If you need to gain weight, it will help you to mentally recovery as well, because if you are malnourished and underweight it makes it harder to think straight and harder for your body to function properly as well as your mind not getting enough energy and nutrients. 

When i was in recovery i wished that i could just wake up recovered, completely healthy and free, but it doesnt work that way unfortunatly. True recovery does take years. As i have written in posts before, i may have been declared healthy in 2012 and had a healthy weight and been healthier than before, but there were still things i had to work on for myself. I had to be honest with myself, reflect over behaviours and thoughts and focus on changing them. And i would i wasnt fully healthy until the end of 2013 maybe.

While in recovery i wished there was a manual, some type of instruction book that told me exactly what to do and what steps to take. .How to go from A to B and go from sick to recovered, but it doesnt work that way. When i write my blog and try to help all of you, i wish i could snap my fingers or give you some type of manual over how to recover... but there is no instructions to follow. Recovery is different for everyone and what works for one person might not work for the other, but recovery is all about challenging the fear and being honest with yourself. Because the truth is, you can spend your whole life lying to others and saying you are healthy when you arent, but also you can lie to yourself... be a funcional sufferer. But you have to admit to yourself when you struggle and be honest with yourself if YOU are holding yourself back from true recovery, just because it is difficult or scary, or because it means you have to change your habits or step outside of your comfort zone.

You have to WANT to recover. You have to want for things to be different, want to live a free life. Because motiation comes and goes unfortunatly, but if you know deep down that you want to be healthy and free, then you will fight through the tough times and keep going even when motivation fails you. 
   Make a list of all the negative things about an eating disorder, all the things that your eating disorder has taken away from you, or kept you back from in life. And make a list of the things that scare you about recovery... and then try to think rationally about those fears, why they shouldnt scare you. And also make a list about all the positives about being healthy and recovered, about the things you can do when you no longer struggle with an eating disorder.

Recovery isnt easy and it takes time. There are SO many parts to fully recovering.

There is 1) Maybe weight gain or atleast maintaining a healthy weight.
2) Self love and body acceptance. Working on body dysmorphia.
3) Finding balance with food and eating the right amount.
4) Dealing with your anxiety, triggers and guilt. Finding HEALTHY coping mechanisms that work.
5) Dealing with the core/root problem of your illness. I.e food and body image are just small parts of an eating disorder, but there might be other issues such as low self esteem, past traumatic events, wanting control, extreme fear of the future etc And you need to work on those, otherwise you will continue to rely on negative coping mechanisms.
6) Finding balance in life. Thinking positive, finding motivation to live life and learning to love yourself.

You need to find your motivaiton inside of you to recover. To realise that recovery is worth it and that things will work out. Stop focusing on the fears, or the reasons why you cant or shouldnt recover, because you CAN recover. Sure you might have other illnesses or things to deal with with your stomach pain and that, but that doesnt make it impossible for you to recover. Instead you are just making excuses and reasons why you cant. I know that sounds tough or mean, but while i was sick i had 100 reasons why i couldnt and wouldnt recover and kept saying "i couldnt recover, i would never be recovered. I could never gain weight or reach my goal weight because of my CF and all the calories i had to eat to gain weight." But also kept thinking, what is the point in recovering if i still have my CF anyway. But i had to put all those excuses aside and focus on that i COULD recover and most of all, i wanted to recover.

Recovery is a process and it is fully possible, for everyone. But it is about YOU making changes. It is about you being honest with yourself and with others. It is about you facing your fears. Because sure, treatment can help you and support you, but in the end only you know how you feel and what will work for you. Only you know what habits you are holding onto or how you are truly feeling. You need to open up and communicate and making changes in your life and your thoughts to recover. 
    Recovery is about changing your mindset and your thinking as well as your routines and habits. It is scary, and like mentioned above... like stumbling in the dark and you have NO IDEA how things will be and there is so much unknown. But you need to stop focusing on the unknowns and just do what you can. Because unfortunatly, no one can tell you how things will be in the future, no one can tell you how you will feel or how things will turn out or how long it will take you until you are recovered. But YOU can impact that. If you focus everyday on self love, focus everyday on taking small steps towards recovery and everyday facing fears and doing the opposite of what your eating disorder wants, then you are impacting your future and taking control over your life. Because that is what you need to do in recovery, take control over your own mind and body and life and not let your eating disorder control you anymore.

If you dont find motivation at once, just take the necessary steps towards recovery. I wasnt motivaiton in the beginning, but i was forced to eat and rest anyway and eventually i found the motivation within myself to recover. And even then the motivation didnt last all the time, i relapse and messed up, but i got back on track eventually. It is ok to relapse, but you have to get back to recovery and take the steps necessary even if you dont want to or dont see the point. But that is where treatment and inpatient can be super beneficial because it makes you eat and rest and makes you talk/support you even when you dont want to, so that later on when you are stronger and more motivated you can keep following those steps because you want to.
   Treatment can only really help you with the physical though and to help you get on track. But the whole mental recovery comes from the inside and wanting to change and communicating and challenging fears and dealing with the core problem.

I wish i could give you better advice or make you want to recover. I wish i could give you the steps and instructions to recover, but it doesnt work that way. Instead all i can say is that if you fight your ED and face your fears things can get better, but it also means that YOU have to make the change. That you have to want to change. No one else can recover for you, and mental and true recovery comes from the inside - and only you can do that for yourself.

You can live your life struggling forever or being half recovered/ a functional sufferer, or you can decide that you want to fully recover and then you are honest with yourself and make hard decisions so that you can eventually be fully recovered.

You CAN recover and you have to believe that. No more excuses, dont allow your fears win and most of all, dont allow your eating disorder to control you anymore and take even more of your life and life experiences away from you. One day it will get easier, but only you can make it that way. Keep fighting even if you dont see the point or dont want to. This is your life and your body and you deserve a better life.


  1. <3 such a helpful and meaningful post, thank you Izzy <3 Looking back now, I too think that weight restoration after all is the easier part of recovery. When I was gaining weight that was my "goal" of sorts, but now I am weight restored I almost feel lost. If only full recovery involved nothing more than just restoring weight. It is hard because so many people now look at me and think I am "recovered", while really I feel like I am fighting an enormous battle every day.

  2. This is such a helpful inspiring post. Really motivating too. You talk about writing your fears of recovery, i know a big one for me is that when i was in treatment (im on my own battling now) i was forced to gain weight and i hated it, i felt too big really depressed, angry, ugly and trapped. I dont want to go back to that so im finding it hard to accept weight gain. Do u have any thoughts on fears of gaining as a result of previous attempts?

  3. I am commenting just because I really loved this post. It's very honest about the struggles, but the message is one of hope. Motivation is not a stable force - it comes and goes. It takes work to put recovery first, every day, and it can often be just going through the motions, especially in early recovery. Not wanting to, not trusting it, not sure where it's leading, but doing it anyway. There is a saying in recovery: "Bring the body and the mind will follow." Even if your heart and mind are not in the right place, bring your body. Go through the motions, do the next right thing, and then the next and the next. It will eventually add up, it will amazingly start changing your frame of mind, and things will grow. It's like keeping a garden. You plant the seeds, and for weeks you water it and check on it and protect it, with no guarantee that anything will come from it and no proof that your actions are doing anything. But you keep on doing it, and one day you have a few little sprouts, seemingly out of nowhere. When you see the sprouts, your faith begins to grow, and now you are cultivating something that is very real. By summer's end, you are standing amidst a lush garden of pure life and reaping the rewards. But it all started from nothing more than some repetitive actions of dedicated work, and some hope that one day this work would be worth it.

    Keep on keeping on.

  4. Thankyou Liz for your beautiful, thoughtful comment. You have really helped me to put my own thoughts into perspective. I will remember your words and think of them when I am struggling. I will pick up this fight :)

    1. Aww, thanks for the kind words. I'm glad I could help in some smallnway. You know, carol, I have high hopes for you, because I keep seeing your comments here and so I know you are invested in recovery. Even if some days are hard, you keep coming back here, trying to learn and grow. The most frustrating part of recovery (for me anyway) was that it wasn't linear. It was back and forth, good days and bad, huge epiphanies followed be completely forgetting it, having to learn the same lessons multiple times, etc. Its progress not perfection, for sure. You need to be both kind and firm with yourself. Ask for help, learn from those who walked the path ahead of you, be consistent, be dedicated, be forgiving. You can do this :)

  5. Thankyou :) I am going to work on my eating and try going through the motions in the hope that my determination comes back. Thankyou so much for your help and support - it means a lot to me.