Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Being taken care of/not wanting to grow up - struggling with an eating disorder

I have a suggestion for a topic to write about: the need to be taken care of. How anorexia for some people is a way of being taken care of and - like in this post - feeling special. And how letting go if the illness is hard because that means losing this care (the fear is based on this to great extent). I know this is the case for some, and it would be interresting if you are able to write something about it :)

Like how anorexia is a way of "stopping/pausing" life and what comes ahead in the future, and just "stay like a child" thatks to anorexia, with the care of others (parents or even the health care system, having people take care of you instead of having to take responsibility in your life). 

PS: I do not mean to step on anyone's toes here, I emphasize the fact that this goes for some people with anorexia (not saying anorexia is a choice at all!!)

While you struggle with an eating disorder it is definitely a way to sort of turn off growing up. Doesnt matter what age you are, it is like you sort of stand still because you cant fully progress forward and if you spend alot of time in hospital then you can miss out on other things in life that are part of the "real world/adult world". This of course can be a comfort when you have an eating disorder, to not have to focus so much on the real world or the reality... instead just be stuck in your own little bubble.  I was never personally scared of becoming an adult, but i was scared of the future and that made me want time to stop and made me not want to be an adult. I often wanted to go back to being a child when i had no problems, no struggles and no worries... when i was carefree and innocent, of course it doesnt work that way - you do need to learn to grow up eventually. The longing of childhood and wanting to be protected as well as fear of the future or being an adult is a common thing with people who struggle with eating disorders and in the different formulas i filled in when i was diagnosed with my eating disorder, as well as all the forms i filled in during my visits back at Mando there are questions regarding those topics. Also, i have talked to people via email who have been 30 or 40 years old and still feel like they are 18 years old because they have been struggling with their eating disorder for so long and it is like their progress forward stopped. Some are 40 years old and still dont pay bills, can barely work and are still stuck in the mindset of wanted to be protected. I can understand this, because the adult world is scary but isnt it more terrifying to feel like you have never lived, like you never progress forward in life because you are still stuck in the past and wanting to be a child and to be cared for. 

The only real way to get out of that bubble is to face the fear. To start doing the things that scare you and knowing that people DO care for you and WILL always care for you even if you dont have an eating disorder anymore. Even if you dont struggle, even if you dont look sick or even if you dont need lots of care anymore, people will still care and be there for you. Maybe not as much... because lets be honest, the healthier you get the more freedom you get and this is a good thing. You will get freedom to live life, but people will always be there to help and support you - it is just about knowing who to turn to and also asking for the help and support when needed!

Life is about living and you need to learn to not run from the things that scare you and to deal with the problems that arise. Being a human sucks at times, life isnt always easy and being an adult can be awful but there is also so much positivity and greatness about becoming an adult and able to live a life. Being able to progress in life. Moving away from home, working or studying, finding a partner or maybe just adopting a bunch of animals. Travelling, doing things that make you happy and fulfil your life and give you energy. Sure there are bills to be paid and there are times you wish you werent an adult and didnt have to make life changing decisions or deal with tough problems but if you make the best of all situations it really isnt that bad. The future is scary, but you shouldnt run from it. Instead you need to learn to deal with that fear, deal with the fear of growing up and being more independant. People will always care for you and be there to support you, but you also have to learn to stand on your own two feet and be independant in life - make your own choices and be ok with the decisions and choices you make!!

You need to want to live life and to take responsibility over your own life. Childhood is great, but adulthood is also great if you make it great! When you are struggling with a mental illness or even a physical illness it is like life stops at times, but you you can't stay that way forever - eventually you need to get back into life and not just live ina  safe little bubble until the day you die - because that isnt much of a life. Routines, habits and safety... it is just a comfort zone and you wont develop or grow if you stay there forever.

Allow your mind to grow and progress but also allow your body to grow. Many get stuck in the "i want my body to look like it did when i was 18 forever" mindset, and that doesnt work either. Your body and mind change over time and you have to allow that to happen, you have to grow and progess as time goes on!!

A long post, but know that you arent alone in those fears of being an adult and wanting the comfort and safety that the eating disorder can provide i.e that life sort of stops. But start to slowly progress back into real life and not just the comfort and protection of those around you. Try new things, face your fears and realise that life isnt so bad if you decide to make it great! Deal with the tough times and learn to cope with all types of situations, sometimes you have set backs in life but it will sort itself out eventually!!

I found THIS post which talks about the fear of growing up which was a very good article.

Image result for scared of being an adult


  1. Good post, thanks :) I definitely used my ED to check out of life, and when I began recovering I was disturbed to find out that my emotional maturity had stopped developing at the age when I became ill. It fed into my feelings of being different and alone, as my peers were all living lives completely different to mine and I felt very ill-equipped to handle life. My fears about learning to live in reality, accept life on life's terms, and grow up emotionally, eventually gave way to pure joy in the process, though. Once I began doing the work, I was amazed to find how beautiful and fulfilling growth can be, and today I can't believe I remained fearful for so long. Growing up and expanding my self-awareness, gaining wisdom and insight, is now a very exciting part of my life and something I deeply enjoy. It can feel daunting at first, but once you get your feet on the right path, the gifts of recovery start pouring down around you and it fills me with gratitude and motivates me to preserve what I have and to continue building upon it. Whereas years ago I could not imagine letting go of my sickness for fear of what would be left, today i can not imagine going back to such an empty and fearful and stunted life. The gift of my today is something incredibly precious and i hope to never lose sight of that ever again. Here's to everyone finding true recovery and discovering the joy of letting go :)

    1. ^thank you, too, Liz. Interesting. I feel like that in some areas of life and not in others. ....

  2. Hi Izzy! Thanks for your blog- its very helpful and I look forward to reading it everyday. I have a question, don't worry if you are too busy to reply. I came out of hospital two weeks ago and I really miss it, and I was wondering how to cope with missing it and wanting to go back? I had support there and didn't have to deal with all my school stress and friends and family issues. I didn't even have to fight anorexia, I was forced to eat etc. I really miss being there and I feel really lonely without any friends to talk to about anorexia and I just really want to go back. But I also feel like I'm too healthy to even go back there as I am almost at a healthy weight and am no longer medically unstable. Thank you so much for your reply!

    1. I'm not izzy, but I want you to know that what you are experiencing is very common. It is one of the reasons relapse rates are so high post-treatment, and the main factor behind people becoming institutionalized (basically living for treatment, constantly going in and out). The week's immediately post-treatment are the riskiest, as you are plunged back into real life and usually into the environment in which you became ill. It is CRUCIAL to have a post-care plan. I cannot stress that enough. Ideally this would be some kind of counselling (at least once a week), a support group, and a personal support network (family, friends) who know where you're at, can be there for you, and most importantly that you can be 100% honest with. You need to talk about these feelings. Does you treatment facility offer aftercare? Either like an alumina group or phone support? Use them. You also need to set up routine and structure in your outside life. Things to keep you busy, things to keep you connected, things to continue your growth and healing, and things that are just plain fun. Your post-treatment life needs to be full, fun, supportive, and conducive to continued healing. You can low stay connected with the people you were in treatment with if you are missing them (phone, social media, visits), but ONLY if those girls are on the same path as you, working on recovery. You are the company you keep, and you need to surround yourself with ONLY the people who are healthy (or working toward healthy), normal around food, and not triggering. Treatment is a lovely bubble, most people are sad to leave (I certainly cried leaving rehabs!), but a full life on the outside is even better. Trust me. Work for it. Good luck!

  3. hello Izzy,

    I am 40 y old and struggling with anorexia since I am 20. 20 years battling against this illness.
    It is not that I want to be taken care of or cuddled like a child. No way, i do not want to be treated as a child.
    Yes I do have issues at taking decision regarding myself, but at the same time I do not trust anyone about the d├ęcisions they could take, tell me to take for my sake. Or even suggest to rely on them, to let it go for a while and trust them

    I go everyday to work, pay my bills, I bought a house but I do not live.
    I am trapped and have put my life on pause....for 20 years.

    What I am affraid of....after 20 years i still do not know.
    I have seen doctors, nutritionist, have been hospitalised several times (it has been a flop), saw psychologist (and not 1 or 2 or3 but Something like 10)
    But im am at the same stage, same point, with ups and downs
    Now I am down down down, binge/purging cycle came back.
    Why ? Ha, i do not event know why and have no good reason.

    Some day I just ask myself if anorexia isn't a part of me, an aspect of what i am...
    I wake up and tell myself that I can Anorexia rule my life....