Life without Anorexia

My motto is
'Dont let the sadness of your past & the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present'

My life at the moment is completely different to how it once was. I spent 5 years sick with anorexia nervosia and depression as well as struggling with self harm and overexercising. I spent 2 years in different treatment centres.
And since 2012 i have been declared healthy from my eating disorder.

I have been blogging for 7 years, and my whole journey is written in my posts. I now represent healthy and happiness. I want to show anyone struggling that it is possible to recover, no matter how hard it may seem.

I now blog about recovery, my life, veganism and positivity!

If you have any questions leave them in the comment section as i am much quicker at answering there, otherwise you can always send an email:


Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Feeling panicked about your future? Not knowing what you want to do or what you are good at?

Do you ever feel panicked about your future? Not know what you want to do or what you are good at? Or it feels like everyone else has their life together, everyone has goals and dreams and you are just sort of "fumbling around with no direction or knowldge about what you want to do". Know that you arent alone in these feelings. Even people who know what they want to do or seem to have their life together still have moments of panic and crisis when they ask themselves "Is this really what i want to do? How do i go from A to B? Is this the right path for me....." Of course, if someone sort of knows what they want to do those panicked moments arent as bad or as often (i would imagine) compared to someone who doesnt have any motivation or passion for their future.

In todays society there is huge pressure at a young age to know what you want to do with your life. When i was 15/16 i had to choose which focus/course program i wanted to go for the last 3 years of high school.... i had no idea what i wanted to do in the future. I wanted to do the natural science program but the workload scared me and i didnt think i could handle it (as i was only just recovered... and still struggling with some things), and so i choose the social science program instead. Of course it wasnt until i graduated that i realised i should have choosen the natural science program to benefit me now, when in university.... but i couldnt have known that back then. Just like when i was given a bad grade in my second year  maths course because the teacher was an awful teacher, i was told to appeal against the teacher and talk to the principle... of course i never did that as i didnt think it was so important. Now of course i wish i had done that and gotten the grade i deserved because it would have given me extra points for university, but back then university still felt so far off, When you are still in high school people expect you to have your life together and to know what you want to do - people always asking which university you will go to, what you will study with, what is your 5 year plan etc and it is SUPER stressful.

I am someone who sort of knows what i want to do in the future. It isnt crystal clear, but i dont think it is for anyone. I know that i want to work with nutrition, health and well being/balance, mental health, social media and also with exercise.... that is what i know i want to work with. But i still doubt myself at times and wonder, is this really what i want to do? But i know deep down that it is... i love what i am studying and do research in my own freetime, as well as i love helping people, i love using social media, i love helping guide people to health and happiness and that is what i want to continue doing in the future even if i may do it in different ways then i.e less instagram and blogging and more personal contact as well as helping with actual meal plans and such.. who knows.

It is not easy to know what you want to do in the future..... should you choose something you are good at? A hobby you enjoy? or what your parents expect you to do?  I would suggest study something or work towards something you are passionate about. It might take time and it wont o as you had thought out - it never does! But if you have a goal or a dream, work towards that. Because even if you realise 5 or 10 years later that you are on the wrong path, you can change path again... it is never too late. But find something you want to work with in the future or something you want to study.

Some say start studying directly after hihgh school even if you dont know what you want to study, and i can understand that. Because if you do have some sort of plan of going to university it can be good to get into the university life and study something that might be beneficial to you... even if its just a maths course, business course or journalism etc it can be good to atleast test University, and if you are still undecided then maybe get a job or travel to get more experience which will help you in the future. But if you are very unknown or tired of studying then i would suggest working or volunteer work so that you get more life experience and feel like you are doing something. But also try new hobbies, step outside of your comfort zone. Dont panic too much about the future or what you "should be doing" or what "everyone else is doing", instead make the best out of your own life.
Image result for panic about future

You DONT need to have your whole life together at the age of 20... not even at the age of 30 or 40, even if it may be a benefit. But you can start studying again when you are 40, you can get a new job when you are 50, you can change life paths at 35, you can start studying a new bachelors even though you already have a bachelors in another area. It is ok to change your path in life, dont feel like you have to have your whole life together or have some type of 5 year plan with everything planned out.

Forget about what your friends are doing or what your family tell you/expect you to do. .Ask yourself... what do YOU want to do. This is your life. If you want to work, save money and travel.... do that. If you want to study something that family dont approve of - study that, because it is YOUR life.

My best suggestion is to do something anyway. Whether it is work, travel or study or even take different types of classes like photography classes, cooking classes, computer classes, music classess etc Something that sparks your interest and maybe gets you thinking about what you enjoy, what you are good at or what you want to do.

Things change in life and your path is not a straight one. But dont panic so much about the future, it is scary and unknown but YOU have the power to control your own future and your own path. YOU make the choices and you can steer your own direction - remember that.

It is easy to sit in the sofa day in and day out and wish you had a job or wish you knew what to do in the future or jealous of everyone who has their life together, but that wont improve your own situation. Instead ACTION and doing things will improve your situation!!! Sitting and wishing wont get you far, even if having plans, goals and dreams are important - it is the action bit and doing something that is the most important.

You dont have to have your life together or know what you want to do right now, but atleast do something!!! Dont compare your life to others either.

It may look like i have my life together - somewhat - and know what i want to do, but i still panic and freak out and question whether i am on the right path in life. It happens, but if you have a passion then you will find a way and get back onto the right path eventually!!

Going/staying vegan in college - links

Going/staying vegan in college.

Think about investing in some things that help in the long run - like a rice cooker,slow cooker and/or a blender (all under $50)

Eating vegan cheap.

(Rice and beans! hummus veggie wraps/sandwiches! pb sandwiches! Buy staples in bulk. Make larger batches (think chili, rice and beans, veggie burger mix, pasta, soup, stirfrys) = Leftovers for the week. Freeze what you can. Shop deals. Know when to buy fresh/frozen. Avoid vegan replacement items.)

(update to this post, it’s three years old after all..

Also some more links about how to eat cheap/vegan in college!

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Being taken care of/not wanting to grow up - struggling with an eating disorder

I have a suggestion for a topic to write about: the need to be taken care of. How anorexia for some people is a way of being taken care of and - like in this post - feeling special. And how letting go if the illness is hard because that means losing this care (the fear is based on this to great extent). I know this is the case for some, and it would be interresting if you are able to write something about it :)

Like how anorexia is a way of "stopping/pausing" life and what comes ahead in the future, and just "stay like a child" thatks to anorexia, with the care of others (parents or even the health care system, having people take care of you instead of having to take responsibility in your life). 

PS: I do not mean to step on anyone's toes here, I emphasize the fact that this goes for some people with anorexia (not saying anorexia is a choice at all!!)

While you struggle with an eating disorder it is definitely a way to sort of turn off growing up. Doesnt matter what age you are, it is like you sort of stand still because you cant fully progress forward and if you spend alot of time in hospital then you can miss out on other things in life that are part of the "real world/adult world". This of course can be a comfort when you have an eating disorder, to not have to focus so much on the real world or the reality... instead just be stuck in your own little bubble.  I was never personally scared of becoming an adult, but i was scared of the future and that made me want time to stop and made me not want to be an adult. I often wanted to go back to being a child when i had no problems, no struggles and no worries... when i was carefree and innocent, of course it doesnt work that way - you do need to learn to grow up eventually. The longing of childhood and wanting to be protected as well as fear of the future or being an adult is a common thing with people who struggle with eating disorders and in the different formulas i filled in when i was diagnosed with my eating disorder, as well as all the forms i filled in during my visits back at Mando there are questions regarding those topics. Also, i have talked to people via email who have been 30 or 40 years old and still feel like they are 18 years old because they have been struggling with their eating disorder for so long and it is like their progress forward stopped. Some are 40 years old and still dont pay bills, can barely work and are still stuck in the mindset of wanted to be protected. I can understand this, because the adult world is scary but isnt it more terrifying to feel like you have never lived, like you never progress forward in life because you are still stuck in the past and wanting to be a child and to be cared for. 

The only real way to get out of that bubble is to face the fear. To start doing the things that scare you and knowing that people DO care for you and WILL always care for you even if you dont have an eating disorder anymore. Even if you dont struggle, even if you dont look sick or even if you dont need lots of care anymore, people will still care and be there for you. Maybe not as much... because lets be honest, the healthier you get the more freedom you get and this is a good thing. You will get freedom to live life, but people will always be there to help and support you - it is just about knowing who to turn to and also asking for the help and support when needed!

Life is about living and you need to learn to not run from the things that scare you and to deal with the problems that arise. Being a human sucks at times, life isnt always easy and being an adult can be awful but there is also so much positivity and greatness about becoming an adult and able to live a life. Being able to progress in life. Moving away from home, working or studying, finding a partner or maybe just adopting a bunch of animals. Travelling, doing things that make you happy and fulfil your life and give you energy. Sure there are bills to be paid and there are times you wish you werent an adult and didnt have to make life changing decisions or deal with tough problems but if you make the best of all situations it really isnt that bad. The future is scary, but you shouldnt run from it. Instead you need to learn to deal with that fear, deal with the fear of growing up and being more independant. People will always care for you and be there to support you, but you also have to learn to stand on your own two feet and be independant in life - make your own choices and be ok with the decisions and choices you make!!

You need to want to live life and to take responsibility over your own life. Childhood is great, but adulthood is also great if you make it great! When you are struggling with a mental illness or even a physical illness it is like life stops at times, but you you can't stay that way forever - eventually you need to get back into life and not just live ina  safe little bubble until the day you die - because that isnt much of a life. Routines, habits and safety... it is just a comfort zone and you wont develop or grow if you stay there forever.

Allow your mind to grow and progress but also allow your body to grow. Many get stuck in the "i want my body to look like it did when i was 18 forever" mindset, and that doesnt work either. Your body and mind change over time and you have to allow that to happen, you have to grow and progess as time goes on!!

A long post, but know that you arent alone in those fears of being an adult and wanting the comfort and safety that the eating disorder can provide i.e that life sort of stops. But start to slowly progress back into real life and not just the comfort and protection of those around you. Try new things, face your fears and realise that life isnt so bad if you decide to make it great! Deal with the tough times and learn to cope with all types of situations, sometimes you have set backs in life but it will sort itself out eventually!!

I found THIS post which talks about the fear of growing up which was a very good article.

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Getting enough vitamins and minerals on a vegan diet - while on a budget

Something i began thinking about yesterday was about my own intake at the moment and how it might change while living on a student budget.

When you eat a vegan diet you need to make sure to eat enough and get all the energy, vitamins and minerals your body needs. The important thing is to eat varied and then you can easily get enough of all the different components your body needs, but also for protein it means that you will get complete protein sources if you combine food.

However while i live on my own and just buy simple and basic foods my diet is not varied at all. Instead i buy food 1-2 times a week and just eat the same thing for my meals unless i really crave something and buy that food/make a certain meal. The lack of variety isnt so good because i could end up missing out on nutrients or minerals or not getting enough of a certain food group if i just eat the same meals all the time. So, what i do to combat this is that instead of having a huge variety of food all the time i instead vary what i buy each week. So one week i buy brocolli the next week i buy a vegetable mix and the week after that i might buy fresh sallad instead of frozen vegetables. And then i also vary the different soy produkts i buy as well as buying different types of bread or crisp bread, fruit and muslie etc Also some weeks ill buy chickpeas other weeks lentils and other weeks black beans or green lentils etc This all leads to variation and that my body gets the vitamins and nutrients from different foods and hopefully then my body wont lack any vitamin or nutrient!!

Eating varied is my best tip for all of you, whether plant based or not. The body needs all types of food and eating very one sided will never be good - mixing up food items and different foods will always give you more nutrients and minerals!

Also if you are a vegan student with not alot of money to spend on food i would suggest food items such as lentils, chicpeaks (or other beans),  potatoes and/or sweet potatoes, frozen vegetables and of course nuts, seeds, oats and if you can afford - chia seeds, and also fruit are food items you should have at home and like the base of your diet. And of course food items such as couscous, quinoa, fresh vegetables, bean pasta,  fortified yoghurts/milk, tofu, soy products etc are all good food items but might be more expensive as well.

Anyway, this was just a little tip from me and maybe something to implement into your own life and to not eat too one sided!!!!

Monday, August 29, 2016

First day back at University

Monday afternoon, and i feel like i am a whole year older - in just one day!

Not that today has been stressful or anything like that, but when i am sitting here and reflecting over my day and my life i just feel like i have aged emmensly in the past 72 hours. Daring to speak to new people and being the first one to make contact, daring to ask questions and daring to be myself. Of course i cant say that i am proud over the fact that i choose to not join the social activity after school because i "felt the stress of school work and wanted to begin directly"... which of course settled my school stress which had begun to creep up, but when i think back over it i realise that the 2 hours i spent this evening beginning on a school assignment, i could have done tomorrow when i have a 3 hour break between lectures.... But i just couldnt let go of that school anxiety that creeps up when i dont begin with work Directly. Oh well, hopefully tomorrow i will join in on the school/group activitiy!

I also feel so much older because this is my second term at University, so all the university information given about different lectures and tests and obligatory seminars arent something new or scary to me, unlike those who are new to university. So i feel so much more mature and calm compared to those who have never studied at uni before. It's a nice feeling, hahah. And not to mention that my sister has moved to the place where i studied at university in spring so she has been asking me about lots of advice about buses, places to go, the university, how to find places etc and that suddenly makes me feel like the older sister - even if my sister is now studying her masters and i am only just starting on my first year of my bachelors. (Wow, doesnt that make me sound all fancy and grown up when i say that i am studying for my bachelors!)

Anyway, today has been a good day. Lots of information, but it hasnt been overwhelming information, though i must admit that the course plan sure is "a hell of a worklot" where we have pages to read and assignments to begin with right away. Yup, my adrenaline levels rose and i wanted to begin working DIRECT when they said that. Which lead to me not going to the first social event, but tomorrow hopefully.

It feels good to start university again, but of course... i miss the simpleness of my job and there are still some mixed feelings about all my actions in life at the moment. But for the majority of the time i feel happy with how life is going and how my life will develop! Focusing on the positives instead of those small "i dont know what i am doing or what i want in life" thoughts that creep up late at night.  It is the thoughts at night that usually mess me up the most... those thoughts are never my "true thoughts". THey are just the tired ones that come from overthinking and i need to learn to not let them control me or mess me up, and i am getting better at it. Focusing on all the day time positivity and positive thoughts and not those few negative and low whens which i get when i overthink.

Life is good. Life feels great.

Feels amazing to write that and truly mean it!!!

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Your eating disorder doesnt make you special

I found this post (below) on Tumblr today, and i thought some might need to read it or be reminded about it. Some of the text might come out as harsh, but sometimes that is exactly what a person needs.

Even if eating disorders arent about attention and many do as much as they can to hide all symptoms and hide that they are struggling, but they might also love the comments they get when people notice that they arent eating or that they have lost weight. Or get a kick of "energy" when they begin to get more attention even if it is negative attention, or maybe they even feel proud for having an eating disorder or like they are special. But i can tell you... you arent unique or special for having an eating disorder and it is nothing to be proud over. Something that you however CAN be proud over is recovering from an eating disorder or other mental illness. But struggling with an eating disorder... that isnt special, amazing or something to be proud of. But choosing to recover and everyday making choices to get your healthy life back, THAT IS inspiring!

Get attention for being YOU, for being amazing just as you are. Relish in the compliments of a healthy body, beautiful smile, more energy, better hair and skin and nails. Be proud of the things you can achieve in life, be proud over what you can accomplish and what you are good at, and even the things you try and fail at in life. Enjoy the compliments for a healthy body and be noticed for what you can do, not just for being super skinny or eating the least... those arent things to be proud over.


Do you want to know the truth? Here it is: your eating disorder doesn’t make you special.
Up to 1 in 10 college women suffer from an eating disorder or disordered eating. Eating disorders are among the most common chronic illnesses among adolescents. About 55% of the adult population is dieting at any given time.
Your eating disorder isn’t special. Millions of people have an eating disorder. You want to be special? You want to be noticed? You should want to be noticed because you’re kind, funny, smart, generous, creative, efficient, innovative, empathetic. You should want to be noticed because your personality is unique.
Don’t throw away your life just because you want someone to notice you’re skinnier than the average person. Eat your food, keep it down, and don’t overexercise. Find a way to be special that won’t fucking kill you someday." (

New changes in routine - less time to workout? Extra hungry?

I can really identify with this, i have recently restarted college and although im not fully recovered im further than i have been but what im finding hard is that ive no time to exercise anymore and im finding i need to eat more cos i cant concentrate if i dont. Im like so hungry and cos i drive there i am not doing barely anything. Ive put on lots of weight this week and feel awful. Im trying to tell myself my work is more important but i dont know what to do about the fear, the guilt, the hunger and the weight gain.

I thought i would answer your question/write a post about this as i am sure you are not alone with these thoughts and maybe the changes in daily routines.

The first thing i can say is that these cahnges in your lifestyle are OK. Life will always change and your routines and habits will have to change or adapt, and you cant let that change stop you from doing what you want.

When you study or work your body needs alot of fuel as your mind is always working and using so much energy. I dont know whether you were studying before hand, or if you have had a long break or just had a summer break now? But if its been a while since you studied last, you might not realise just how much energy your brain uses while studying or even when starting a new job. Even if you physically might not do as much, it feels like your body is using double the amount of energy because you feel so tired and mentally drained, and maybe even physically drained of energy. Give your body time to adapt, usually during the first few weeks of new school or new work or just new routines in life, dont make exercising the first priority. Instead do other "Life things" such as socializing, exploring, resting or studying/preparing/organizing. If you enjoy exercise you will find time for it again, but usually in the beginning or something new you might need to just take a break from exercise to find yourself, regain energy and then later on find time for exercise in your schedule.

Life is about so much more than food and exercise and weight. Now that you are back in college try to focus on your studies and all the college things and try to live life - as much as possible while still getting school work done, so to say! But what i have found in my own life is that the more i live life, the more i focus on my goals and doing fun things and creating a life i love. The less focus on my body, food or exercise or weight.... those things just arent important if you live a life you enjoy and focus on life.

Dont worry about the weight gain, it really isnt something to feel panicked about. Weight gain happens and it can be for numerous reasons - stress, eating more salt/drinking more water = body can retain water, less sleep, due to different hormones in the body acting up, or it could just be that you are eating more... and that is OK. If you are more hungry, then eat more... that is what you do. Dont focus on the number and do other things in life so that you dont just sit and think or stare at your body, 

You said that you werent fully recovered, so i would say now is the perfect time to focus on full recovery. Letting go of that need to exercise. - maybe refinding a glow/energy for workouts or cherishing that 1 hour you have 3 times a week to exercise instead of feeling like you need to exercise everyday or walk everywhere. Also aybe facing the fears of eating more/less structured/with less control.... dont let your eating disoder control you. Even if you find it scary to eat more - if that is what your body wants, then do it. Fight those thoughts and do the opposite of what your eating disorder wants. Facing your fears and the things that hold you back is the only way to recover.  So now with all the new changes/starting school again, try to find the REAL and healthy you.

Listen to your body. Take care of your body - but also do things in life that make you focus less on "controlled eating/counting everything you eat" and less on weight and exercise and more on being free and realising that there is more to life than body image, weight, exercise and food.

I know that this might not be the best post - but know that you will be ok. Face the fears. Create a life you love and dont let your eating disorder control you anymore!!!

Saturday, August 27, 2016

A day of exploring

Hello there :)

How is everyone doing? Me... i am doing well, though feel like i have too much physical energy and too little mental energy, haha so not really sure what to do with myself!

My day started rather early where i ate breakfast and got ready and then after doing some research i decided to walk into town to check out a gym which i might want to join. I had looked at the map and figured i would find it rather easily as it was close to my school. So i walked all the way to my school, and kept walking and walking and walking... and walked in circles. With no data or gps on my mobile and the only people out at that time of the morning was tourists and runners. So i kept walking in circles until finally 90 minutes later i found one of the gyms in the gym branch i wanted to join. I walked into the gym with sweat all over and looking all flustered! I got to look at the gym and i really liked it so decided to join that gym branch and am super happy about it, because now i have a gym close to home and 2 gym options close to my school!!

After that i did some exploring around the town and found a cafe which i have long wanted to try - however i will go back there some other day when i feel like "treating myself"! Eating out isnt really a priority or something i can do so often, so maybe after my first exam i will go there and get myself an acai bowl!!

Then finally i took the tram home and made myself a delicious lunch:

Which was followed by series watching and a snack, and then i got too much energy and didnt just want to lie in bed anymore. I must admit - i miss my job. Iit was active and it feels so strange to just sort of lie in bed for hours now... hahah, i have far too much physical energy for that!! Though once i start school i know i wont feel as restless and will enjoy just lying in bed.

Anyway, i decided to go exploring the area i live. On the map i saw that there was supposedly a park which i thought i could run sometime... but the park was super small and the park wasnt exactly a "run around forest/park" unless you just wanted to run for 5 minutes, hahaha. So i kept walking and exploring and ended up getting lost, haha. So i just began following people and hoping to find some some route or way i would recognize... turns out that following people isnt a good idea, and when they begin to notice you following them they begin to get creeped out - so then you have to just quickly take another way and begin following someone else, hahahaha. Eventually i found a centrum i recognized and i found a raw/vegan store close to where i live, and also went into a food store which sold alot of vegan products which i love!!! I know people think vegan eating might be healthy, but i actually eat so much processed food its crazy... hahah, so much of the processed fake meat and vegan chocolate and crisps and nuts with salt and oil etc But all i was craving this evening was lentils and potatoes and salad, so when i got home that was exactly what i made!!

It was a long exploring/adventure walk but i still have so much energy - i guess thats what happens when you eat alot of food. I.e food = energy! But i am going to spend my evening in bed with a film this evening and i am looking forward to a new day with more exploring tomorrow :)

I guess my whole day has been a positive in all honesty. Its strange how happy and content i feel at the moment. I am so glad that i made the decision to move and to go against the fear. New starts and changes are scary, but they can bring awesome things and new positive changes! I am hoping to continue feeling this energetic and happy and that school goes well!!

Do you have any positives of the day you want to share?

Something positive i want to share though is that the woman i am living with said she was inspired by my vegan eating so she ate a vegan dinner and bought some vegetarian products! That made me so happy to hear :)

Also i plan to write more about veganism and maybe what i eat as that has been requested :) I wont write out portions as i dont weigh or measure anything but maybe a weekly food diary or something if you want that?

Are you living or just waiting to die

An important thing in recovery and when you are reaching the stage of almost recovered, its important to begin doing things with your life again... to begin with hobbies and school or work. Going out with friends or family. Doing something you enjoy... this is to get you moving away from your ED. To do something with your life and realise that there is more to life than being sick, worrying about calories and weight and body size. Its easy to get stuck in your ED, not really want to let it go because its a comfort. But if you begin doing things you enjoy like starting a hobby you enhoy, then you begin focusing on that and you move away from your eating disorder.
If you just follow the same routines, keep eating your meal plan, dont really do anything with your life... then you are still stuck in your ED routines. But also you can feel like, is recovery really worth it`?  You dont get your life happiness back, you dont really use your new gained energy. So when you are getting closer to a normal weight and getting your energy back, then begin doing things with your life... this will also help with more balanced eating. Learning to eat at different times, eat out, let others prepare food for you. Eat different things and at different places. But it can also teach you that if someone offers a cookie or some chocolate its ok to take some, even if its not your 'usual snack' time....

Doing things you enjoy will give you happiness and a sense of purpose which is what you need after having an eating disorder or any mental illness. You need to feel happy again, find your reason to live and to know that it was worth it to recover!!!

Make recovery worth it by looking into the future and creating a life you love and enjoy. If you just stick with old habits and routines, refuse to change or change thoughts and just keep thinking the past was better - well then yeah, it can be pretty hard to focus on the present and feel like life is great in the present.

Let go of the past and focus on making and creating the best life you can :)

Friday, August 26, 2016

My day of travelling to Gothenburg & meeting my class - My thoughts about Gothenburg and how i am feeling

Hello everyone :)

And prepare for a long post because i have alot to write. But also i dont know when i will post again at the moment, but i felt like i wanted to write out my thoughts. Or well, i wanted to make a video but the walls are so thin in the apartment so the woman i am living with would hear me talking and i dont really feel like going outside to film. So writing will do :)

I'll start off with yesterday.... a day of travelling. We took an express/fast train at 10.30am so that we finally arrived at Gothenburg at 2pm. The train journey went well and i felt excited until the train began to roll into the station and that is when the anxiety i hit. Inside of me it was chaos and panic and i began thinking "what the hell am i doing?"... please stop. Stay on the train and ride back to Stockholm and refuse to be an adult and maybe time will stop. 
I guess the reality hit me once i was standing there with my bags. But i calmed myself down and my mum and i left our bags at a storage place so that we could wander around the town for a while and get some coffee while we waited until we could travel to the apartment.

As we walked around Gothenburg i felt the anxiety rising again, but also a sort of calmness as i began to recognize myself. And while wandering around we found were my school is and were i will be going for lectures and that was very calming. To see where i would be, and i felt so much better and felt like "Yes... this feels good. I like this place and i can imagine coming here everyday."

After a few hours we picked up our bags again and took the tram to the station where i will and found our way to the apartment.

The place i am living is really nice. It is very open and the walls are thin - which i slightly dislike. I.e if i get up early in the mornings i dont want to wake the owner up because all the doors and floors creak, haha. But all in all, the location seems pretty nice (But i will do some exploring during the weekend - and will also try to find a nice gym i like. Iit feels so strange at the moment to be gym less... and not have a gym to go to. :( ) and also the apartment is great for now. I am just thankful i have a place to live!!

After i had unpacked and gotten to sit down for a while, my mum took the tram back into town and ate dinner (burgers and fries as i wanted to try that burger place) and then my aunt and her partner joined us as they were currently in Gothenburg as well which was very random, haha.

And after that it was super late and i was half asleep on the way home again!

Onto this morning: It was time for a voluntary get together with the different classes and to get some introduction into the program and studies. My mum travelled with me to the school before she then took the train back to Stockholm.

On the way to the school i was filled with so much anxiety and worry, wondering if i should just call it quits and move back to Stockholm, but the closer we got to the school the less anxiety i felt, and by the time i was sitting in the lecture room i was feeling alot more calm.
I also did my best to smile and talk to people, as well as being the first one to say "hi" and to ask questions, which resulted in having 3 other girls to talk with and after the introduction they showed me around Gothenburg and we then went to get some coffee and sat talking for a while. It was super lovely and i am glad that i made the effort to be the first one to talk, but also glad that i didnt listen to the introvert side of me who screamed "i want to go home" when the girls suggested we wander around Gothenburg. I didnt feel like it, and just wanted to be on my own... but i went against that and also stayed when we got coffee. So i must say, i am rather proud of myself and i was filled with energy afterwards. I felt happy and like "I can do this. THis isnt so bad, and i do like this town and like the school and hopefully the class and lectures will be great!"

After that i decided to walk home and stopped at a gym to check out how it looked - and i think i might sign up to that gym branch as their is a facility close to where i live but also close to my school which works well. And then i also went food shopping to get all the basics anyway!!

And once i got home, that was when the tiredness hit and now it is just resting all evening and trying to process everything happening in my life at the moment, hahah.

It is alot to process and so much "new" so i am going to do my best to deal with it all. This weekend i have time to rest up, sort some things out, wander around the town, buy the things i need before school starts and set up a little plan over my routines/when to study/how my schedule looks etc

At the moment it all feels good. My first course at Uni will be a tough one, and not so fun as it isnt about nutrition, hahaha. But it is only 4 weeks long so hopefully it will go well, and i am going to do my best to be social and go to social events and just make the next few years of my life as amazing as they can be... and only time will tell what happens!!!

As i have so much to process i dont know when i will blog again, maybe this weekend... maybe next week, maybe in 2 weeks time... who knows. But i'll most likely blog during the weekend, but bare with me if the blogging isnt so great for the next while!!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

When family eat less than you - feeling guilty - eating disorder recovery

I am currently suffering from an ed now, but my family members around me always eating so less (especially my skinny mom and sister). Their portions of food are quite triggering that when I sitting with them and eat, I tend to eat less and the ed thought comes out. However, my mom and sister usually comment on my food, saying that I eat so less (but obviously, I eat so much comparing to their intake). How do I deal with this situation? I am feeling so hopeless now

Focus on you and what YOUR body needs. Everyone is different and needs different amounts. Instead of being jealous and thinking they eat less than you, so you need to eat less. Focus on that your body needs alot of energy and so you need to eat enough to fuel your body. Why try to eat low calories and little when you could instead eat as much as you want ? Isnt it better to be able to eat lots and feel full and eat all types of food?

Below are some helpful posts which might be beneficial to you!!

Not everyone around you is trying to recover from an eating disorder. Stop trying to compare yourself to how they do things - your needs are unique to you and you do what YOU gotta do.
— Kateryna @recoveryjournaling

I found this quote and thought it was important to share because when you are in recovery you can begin to wonder... why you arent allowed to do things which others are allowed to do? For me i never understood why i had to eat more and not allowed to workout while my sister ate less than me and was allowed to workout. I didnt understand why others could do 30 day no sugar challenges or cut out carbs or do a 30 day squat challenge and i wasnt allowed to do it. I didnt understand why others were allowed to walk places and i had to sit all the time and i didnt understand why some people were allowed to eat a later breakfast or a smaller breakfast and i had to eat a huge one each day whether i was hungry or not.

I compared myself to everyone... i wondered why people thinner than me werent in hospital or being told to eat more. I wondered why the patients thinner than me ate less than me, while i felt huge and had to eat lots.

Of course now i know why i wasnt allowed to do those things, because i was in recovery. I wasnt "normal" or "healthy". I had my own goals to follow and things such as 30 minutes exercise everyday or walking a station instead of taking the bus or cutting out on sugar, that wouldnt help me. That was the opposite of helpful in my case, even if that was what would be helpful to others who were "normal".

It is so important to focus on you and realise that when you are in recovery you are not the same as people who have never had an eating disorder or people who are just "Normal". You need to recover and that also means that recommendations and guidelines and what is "healthy/recommended" will be different. Because often what is healthy for a person recovering from a restrictive eating disorder is lots of rest and lots of food, while for someone who is "normal" then the recommendation might be to be a little more active and eat a little differently. But it is all very individual and that is the thing you need to remember. Not to compare yourself to others, but definitely not compare yourself to others when you are in recovery. Whether that is comparing yourself to other patients and wondering why they can eat a certain way or why they can workout and you cant, or comparing yourself to normal people/friends and wondering why they can do certain things and you cant.

For example, going vegan it isnt recommended in recovery but later on when you are healthier it is ok. Or things like eating more fat and less carbs or more carbs and less fat, finding the balanced intake for you can be done when you are healthier. But in recovery you just need to focus on facing your fear foods and being able to eat all types of food without guilt.

It is also important to remember that unfortunatly there are people who are "healthy" but who do have a weird relationship to food such as cutting down on certain foods or always doing yoyo diets or just dont have a very healthy relationship with food, then you can begin to wonder why they can do certain weird habits and you cant.... but you cant and shouldnt compare yourself to those types of people. Instead focus on you and your goals!!

Also remember, dont compare yourself or your eating habits to me. I am recovered and have been for 3,5 years... my life is "normal" and i have a healthy body and mindset. .I dont follow recovery rules and i dont necessarily follow the "recommendations" instead i know my body so well and know what is best for my body and those are the rules i follow.

Focus on you and what is best for your recovery!!! You cant control other people or what other people do, you can only control yourself and what you do, and so you need to make the best choice and decision for yourself!!

Ive written this post: which might be helpful and a good reminder as well!!

Below is a repost of an old post that might be helpful, and more helpful posts below as well!!

One of those tough situations you are put in during and after recovery is when friends or family around you are dieting or eating low kcal. That can trigger something within you, thinking that you are doing wrong by ordering a pasta dish when a friend orders a salad, or you eat a magnum ice cream and your sister takes a popsicle... you begin feeling guilty, anxious, triggered. You get self hate for yourself and believe you made the wrong decision because someone ate something that might be less calories. But you need to stop that type of thinking right then and there. To take a moment to just breathe and ask yourself What does it matter what someone else ate/is eating?
   Its easy to compare yourself to others, look at what others are eating and want to do the same thing. But you need to listen to yourself, know what YOUR body needs. There will always be someone dieting, wanting to lose weight or saying they have already eaten/not hungry. that doesnt mean you have to do it as well.

If you go to a cafe with a group of friends and you all order cake and hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and one of your friends orders a diet cola, it can evoke feelings inside of you. But you know what, WHO CARES. Instead enjoy that you can eat that cake or the extra scoop of ice cream or that toasted bagel etc and know that you will enjoy more food later on. You are giving your body energy, and you know what your friend will still eat later on and if they dont, well then feel sorry for them. Because a life without food, a life where you are scared to eat and obsessed with calories, that is a very sad life. Its barely a life at all. Instead be proud and happy of yourself that you are fighting for your health, that you know what your body wants and needs, that you can enjoy all types of food and give your body energy.
   And there will be people who are dieting and trying to lose weight and you know what, some people need to lose weight. Dont get triggered by that... weightloss is not your life goal, some people need it to be healthy that doesnt mean you have to lose weight as well or that you are suddenly in competition or you need to eat less than them.
   You are not a monkey, you shouldnt just follow others. I mean if someone jumps does that mean you have to jump as well? No it doesnt.  Everyone goes their own ways and has to know what is best for them.

So instead of focusing on what others are doing focus on what is best for YOU.

When you get guilty feelings or feel triggered by friends or family, take a moment to just breathe and think rationally. Even if that means you go to the bathroom and just try to calm down for a few moments. Or even sit in the bathroom and write down your thoughts... ive done this before, even if it meant i was gone 10 minutes. That was what i needed to do to calm down and then be able to actually eat. Be kind to yourself and your body!! Having a good motto or mantra to repeat to yourself in tough times is also a good idea :):)

I hope this helps. Focus on YOU and YOUR body and YOUR goals. Not on what others are doing.

Other helpful links:
Trying to gain weight while your partner/family member tries to lose weight
How much to eat - portion sizes - eating more than family
Comparison with siblings
Eating more than others
Feeling like you need to eat less than others
Thoughts about other peoples food intake
Low calories is not everything in life